Question about when spouses should/should not check with each other

[Trialbyfire]

I'd draw the line at letting her eat out of the trash though.

:lmao:

Might be an efficient living arrangement.

[princssangl0204]

Originally Posted by OP

I'm about to be engaged to a great woman and am probably moving several states away to be with her. However, she just let one of her friends know that they could move in with us for as long as she needed to get her life together.

 

I knew it, some women are too headstrong!! Overboard feminist!!

 

 

 

You have every right if you're going to be living with her. You are her soon to be husband. Just don't have a cold-heart to the situation. If this lady has nowhere to go, try to be

 

I am not too head strong...... he is not her soon to be husband he hasn't yet made that commitment yet........ and he doesn't even live in the same state. I my response would have been completely different had he already made the promise of marriage and at least have been in the same state or household.

 

and I would appriciate it if you would refrain from the name calling.

[Mr. Lucky]

She believes that now, and after marriage that she should have full right to offer up our home to any of her friends who she sees fit without asking me first. She claims that "needing to ask" first is means I am asking her to compromise herself as a person, because she may need to act and not check with me.

Her theory doen't make sense. One has a "need to act" in getting out of the way of a speeding car or escaping a burning building. Any other large decision should be discussed with one's SO. Inviting another person to live with you qualifies as one of life's large decisions, along with deciding when to get pregnant, change careers, etc. Would she be compromising herself as a person if she ckecked with you before doing any of those?

 

Does this ability to offer up the home apply to you also? Can you show up at her door with a six-pack of your closest friends ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[magicmirror]

Thanks for all the comments so far. I believe my feelings have been validated by these responses. I agree with everything that has been said so far, and I have heard some good points of view. Thank you.

 

As for our current situation, she knows she will have her ring in the next 3 months. We are both very financially stable and aligned. We both have post-graduate educations. She is aware that I am closing things down at my current home and we have hard plans to move in together by Sept/Oct. We are actively looking at homes to purchase after the move because the condo is a temporary rental. Arrangements are being made right now to transition my role at work to the other location. That said, there is a very real commitment.

 

Thus, this is only a "maybe" as of today given this new situation. I don't believe that engagement rings or wedding rings fix things, so if my actions and our planning aren't enough to signify commitment now, then this is doomed. I am not willing to put a ring on a woman's finger that clearly tells me our future involves me not being included in major decisions because that would be "changing who she is." I am, without a shadow of a doubt, not the type of person that likes to change or control anybody.

 

I don't see my needing to be included in decisions as controlling, but that is why I posted this here. I did not "freak out" when she mentioned this to me. I listened, and then I slept on it and thought about it for most of the following day.

 

I'm presenting all of this to her in the context of us as a married couple. We've spent time discussing how things will be, etc. Now this has popped up. I'm surprised, and I wonder if this is fear of commitment manifesting itsself as something else. Some pushback at the last moment?

 

This is enough to make me cancel all of our plans. I'm not starting an engagement by moving in with 2 women in a place that is already too small. She has been very clear that she wants full control of offering an open home to any of her friends without needing to check even after we are married. She said that needing to ask would mean we are "not in sync with each other." Alternatively, I posed the question as to how she would feel if I came home with a new luxury vehicle or sports car without mentioning it to her, and she was clear that that we would need to be run that by the other person.

 

Her entire assertion is founded on the idea that her having to ask is my "changing" her as a person and trying to prohibit a fundamental part of who she is from freely developing. My closing comments on this subject were to acknowledge her need to help others as a desirable characteristic that I respect, however if it meant that she may offer up our home anytime and to anybody without some discussion and also my ability to say no, then I am not the right person to offer her that freedom. For my own sake, I'm not willing to give up the right to control my home environment just because she wants that power. I'm happy to discuss her friends needs and offer up anything I can do to help so long as it is not detrimental to my life. Her proposal does not sound like a true "partnership" - it seems unfair to me, like she is actually trying to change and control me.

[Curmudgeon]

Her proposal does not sound like a true "partnership" - it seems unfair to me, like she is actually trying to change and control me.

 

If I was you I'd buy the sports car and leave her in the dust. She appears to be the type who believes what's her's is her's and what's yours is her's also.

 

Not a good basis for a relationship!

[IpAncA]

This is enough to make me cancel all of our plans. I'm not starting an engagement by moving in with 2 women in a place that is already too small. She has been very clear that she wants full control of offering an open home to any of her friends without needing to check even after we are married. She said that needing to ask would mean we are "not in sync with each other." Alternatively, I posed the question as to how she would feel if I came home with a new luxury vehicle or sports car without mentioning it to her, and she was clear that that we would need to be run that by the other person.

 

No. If she feels that she doesn't need to run things by you, then you don't have to run things by her. This isn't a one way street unless your okay with it which your not.

 

Sounds like she wants to keep things the way they are and have you make all the adjustments. Yeah sorry...that won't work on a long term basis.

 

Her proposal does not sound like a true "partnership".

No it's not. I highly suggest you both work this out before you get married. Seriously.

 

 

 

I mean what the hell is wrong with people. People want a relationship but are so damn stubborn and want everyone else to revolve around them.

Sorry MM just a little personal rant that doesn't have anything to do with you. Your situation just reminds me of couple people I know.

[Trialbyfire]

If you're financially secure, why the three month wait for a ring? Sounds to me like you might be trying to control her. Call it the carrot and the donkey routine...

[Mr. Lucky]

If you're financially secure, why the three month wait for a ring? Sounds to me like you might be trying to control her. Call it the carrot and the donkey routine...

Wow TBF, it's like you and I are reading two different threads. They're in a committed relationship, shopping for a ring, planning on engagement, he's moving there to be with her so, simply put, they're starting their life TOGETHER. They should make major decisions like who's going to live with them as a team. Why is it a control issue ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[LillyPad11]

"I'm about to be engaged to a great woman and am probably moving several states away to be with her."

 

So...you aren't even sure yet that you're going to be moving into her home? Here's my take on it: If you were already living together, regardless of whose place it was, then yeah, I'd say you'd have to clear something like that with each other first, just as a curtesy, if nothing else. But, it is her place, and you don't even live there yet. It sounds like it's a perfectly natural behavior in your girlfriends eyes to allow those she cares about to stay with her when necessary. Afterall, she's letting YOU come stay with her.

 

If you feel uncomfortable sharing space with your girlfriend AND your girlfriends friend, then I would suggest you get your own apartment until BOTH of you are simultaneously ready to co-habitate with just each other. I think your girlfriend sounds like a very caring and giving woman, and if you express to her your desire to have lots of alone time with her, I'm sure you'll find an agreeable solution together.

[Woggle]

If I were you I would not marry this woman. Women that talk about how you are trying to suppress their development and all that psychobabble crap are usually trouble. I bet she would not be as understanding if you invited a friend to stay.

[Trialbyfire]

Wow TBF, it's like you and I are reading two different threads. They're in a committed relationship, shopping for a ring, planning on engagement, he's moving there to be with her so, simply put, they're starting their life TOGETHER. They should make major decisions like who's going to live with them as a team. Why is it a control issue ?

 

Mr. Lucky

Actions speak louder than words. He hasn't moved, they're not yet engaged and he wants to dictate the terms and conditions of his commitment from a distance. Words are just words.

[Shan2k]

I am not too head strong...... he is not her soon to be husband he hasn't yet made that commitment yet........ and he doesn't even live in the same state. I my response would have been completely different had he already made the promise of marriage and at least have been in the same state or household.

 

and I would appriciate it if you would refrain from the name calling.

 

 

I wasn't calling you names, but if you felt that I was, my apologies. At least I’m adult enough to do that on here (not directly or indirectly talking about you).

 

I'm about to be engaged to a great woman and am probably moving several states away to be with her.

 

Well, this is the woman he wants to marry (I don’t know if she knows that). Sounds like “soon to be” husband and wife to me. With politically correct people; you need an ostentatious toroidal shaped metal or documentations to certify what’s in your heart…sad…

 

He should be able to have a say so if he’s planning to move in with her; continuing to start the rest of their lives together. Not doing so just leaves room for an ominous future. You have to make your mate feel comfortable too. With the way you’re sounding, it would seem like her female-friend is more favorable than him.

 

I’m just saying, she shouldn’t be so obstinate about it, if she is. A relationship is teamwork and if she doesn’t make him feel a part of the team then she’s not the one. If her friend’s situation is critical, he should have a heart.

[Shan2k]

Wow TBF, it's like you and I are reading two different threads. They're in a committed relationship, shopping for a ring, planning on engagement, he's moving there to be with her so, simply put, they're starting their life TOGETHER. They should make major decisions like who's going to live with them as a team. Why is it a control issue ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It’s sad Mr. Lucky. I’m not trying to make this a male vs. female issue but some women are so pessimistic about relationships that they go into it “independent” instead of a whole. At times, I’m surprise that some of them got as far as getting married or being married for several years. But some guys just go with the flow. One of those guys is my Uncle. He puts his wife’s feelings completely first and just sit there like lumber while she makes all of the decisions. Many women in his family and her family have said he’s not a man.

 

 

I have a friend who’s girlfriend is very double-standard when it comes to men and women issues. She even went out to buy the engagement ring, which he wasn’t too happy about because they were in a tight financial bind at the time. He didn't even know that they were engaged! LOL! But he’s always wanted a committed relationship so he told me he’s just going with the flow. It’s sad because in the past he’s let women treat him really bad.

 

A relationship is a team effort and if you’re planning to spend the rest of you’re lives together, you should be making a lot of decision together whether you’re 5000 miles away.

[Woggle]

It really is disgusting the way some men let women walk all over them. I see women that have their men's balls in a vice grip and the men keep coming back for more. I am not saying that men should control women either but things should be equal.

[Shan2k]

It really is disgusting the way some men let women walk all over them. I see women that have their men's balls in a vice grip and the men keep coming back for more. I am not saying that men should control women either but things should be equal.

 

 

LOL! I'm sorry for laughing, and may be looked at as immature, but that was hilarious!! Some women keep them glazed over on their vanity like a trophy, next to the lipstick! LOL!

[Woggle]

LOL! I'm sorry for laughing, and may be looked at as immature, but that was hilarious!! Some women keep them glazed over on their vanity like a trophy, next to the lipstick! LOL!

 

And once men lose our balls it is all over and they lose respect for us. A man should always keep his balls in any relationship.

[InsanityImpaired]

And once men lose our balls it is all over and they lose respect for us. A man should always keep his balls in any relationship.

Men are not that dependent on Woggle and Shan2k.

[Shan2k]

Men are not that dependent on Woggle and Shan2k.

 

Well my woman depends on me sister InsanityImpaired. As I depend on her! LOL!

 

That's the problem a have and I'm going to write thread on it. It's not that I hate feminist, I hate double-standard women. That's my biggest pet peeve. I'm making jokes about other men and someone still finds a way to counterstrike. It's been desensitized to tell generalized jokes about men but not for women.

[InsanityImpaired]

And where did you get my gender from, kindergarten kiddie?

[Shan2k]

And where did you get my gender from, kindergarten kiddie?

 

No cupcake, from your pre-school. Obviously!

[InsanityImpaired]

Apparently. And your gf is just the teacher there? Big boy.

[Shan2k]

Apparently. And your gf is just the teacher there? Big boy.

 

Well actually, I'm the teacher too and you're the precocious little pre-schooler. awwwwww:love:

[Touche]

I was a little surprised at some of the responses here. Consideration and compromise start BEFORE you get married. It doesn't suddenly happen after the marriage certificate is issued.

 

I'm with the OP on this one. She's shown her true colors. She's already pretty much told him what to expect if he marries her.

 

This is EXACTLY the type of "sign" or "red flag" I often speak of...the ones we stupidly ignore and marry the person anyway, only to complain later.

 

This girl is putting her friends' needs ABOVE his. And that's exactly what he can expect after marriage.

 

Anyway, you sound too smart, OP to make this mistake. I wish you luck.

[katiebour]

It's not a case of either person "has to do" anything.

 

She doesn't "Have to check with him" before inviting anyone.

 

BUT!!!!!!

 

She should check with him, out of mutual respect and courtesy.

 

It's not a matter of what you "have" to do, but what you "should" do that makes a relationship work.

 

It's the difference between obeying the law because you "have" to, and obeying it because it's the right thing to do.

 

If he's gonna move in with her it's a committed relationship and there should be mutual consideration for the other person's comfort and happiness, regardless of whether or not they are in fact married or even engaged.

 

When you live together you make decisions together- that's true even of non-romantically engaged roommates. You wouldn't bring a 3rd roommate to live with you without consulting your 1st roommate, even if you weren't romantically involved.

 

I actually just realized that my b/f and I transgressed this when we first became involved- I moved in with him (into his room) without the express approval of his then roommate, who attempted to charge me rent. I moved out and was upset about it- I thought it was a jerk thing to do. I think I'll have to apologize to said former roommate! How galling!

[Shan2k]

It's not a case of either person "has to do" anything.

 

She doesn't "Have to check with him" before inviting anyone.

 

BUT!!!!!!

 

She should check with him, out of mutual respect and courtesy.

 

It's not a matter of what you "have" to do, but what you "should" do that makes a relationship work.

 

It's the difference between obeying the law because you "have" to, and obeying it because it's the right thing to do.

 

If he's gonna move in with her it's a committed relationship and there should be mutual consideration for the other person's comfort and happiness, regardless of whether or not they are in fact married or even engaged.

 

When you live together you make decisions together- that's true even of non-romantically engaged roommates. You wouldn't bring a 3rd roommate to live with you without consulting your 1st roommate, even if you weren't romantically involved.

 

I actually just realized that my b/f and I transgressed this when we first became involved- I moved in with him (into his room) without the express approval of his then roommate, who attempted to charge me rent. I moved out and was upset about it- I thought it was a jerk thing to do. I think I'll have to apologize to said former roommate! How galling!

 

You "have" to love and respect your mate or it's not going to last

You "have" to spend quality time with your mate or it's not going to last

You "have" to consider your mates feelings and comfortability or it it's not going to last.

 

We don't "have" to do anything; obey the law, etc,. Doing something that you should do, is something that is likely, and doesn't entirely give you clarity. Everything in this world is "cause and effect" . Of course he shouldn't demand it, going far as saying, "you "have" to do this for me or I'm breaking up with you". That's turning it into an ultimatum, Feeling and demanding what has to be done are two different things.