LillyPad11 Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 Hello. Maybe you guys can help me out here. I've been with my husband about seven years. He's a great guy. A great provider. Must ladies would love a guy like him. He treats me well. The problem is, I would say that we're not intellectually compatible. He IS intelligent, but we don't share the same intellectual interests. I thrive on reading/various forms of creativity/learning about the world. That is the kind of environment I grew up in. He thrives at his job, but when he gets home, he flops on the couch and zones out in front of the TV all night. He has few hobbies, and none that he engages in with regularity, as I do. I understand that he is tired when he comes home from work, however, I've come to see him as a one dimensional being. I've encouraged him to try new hobbies and grow as a person, but he seems content with the status quo. I am not. I'm bored to tears. I don't like going out to dinner with him anymore because we have little to talk about other than the same old same old. I seem to be the only who has a problem with that, though. I've tried discussing these issues with him many times over the years, but nothing has changed. I don't even think it's fair to expect it to. He is a good guy! We DO have a nice time when we go on vacation together, and have made some good memories, but we can't be on vacation all the time. Most of the time, I feel intellectually starved. Since he does not turn on my mind, he doesn't turn on my body, either. I've grown to barely be able to tolerate physical intimacy with him. I don't know what I should do. We have no kids, and I'm young enough to move on and find a more fulfilling relationship, but I'm also smart enough to know that my husband is a really good guy, is stable, and would never cheat. I've tried to prod him into being more cerebral so I can get the brain stimulation I need to feel fullfilled with the relationship, but it hasn't worked. I can see myself on my own, and it doesn't look that bad to me. But I can also see myself missing the friendship/familiarity/security of this relationship. What's everyone’s opinion on this? I care for him a great deal and my family adores him, but I frequently find myself screaming on the inside. Help. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 I care for him a great deal and my family adores him, but I frequently find myself screaming on the inside. Help. ...but you should have thought of this seven years ago. In a committed relationship you adjust. My wife is much more cerebral than I am. However, I'm just as intelligent as she is. Our minds simply travel different paths at times. She's an original 60s and 70s hippie midwife and bra-burning feminist. I'm a Vietnam veteran and former state narcotics agent. You couldn't find to people "less suited" for one another than us. Yet we manage to make it work. If we can do it, you should be able to. If it's too big a problem for you then now's the time to call it quits before the two of you waste anymore time with incompatibility and snob value. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 Curmudgeon's right on it. This is something you should have thought about long ago. No two people are incompatible in every way. Usually during courtship, the sexual compatibility issue trumps everything else. Unfortunately, that's when you should have discovered the importance of the intellectual side. Adjust to it. Certainly there are things the two of you can talk about. Find friends, study groups, service clubs, organizations, etc. where you can get the intellectual stimulation you seek. Find things about your husband and love them even more to make up for this. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 I'm cerebral and thrive on intellectual conversation and interests and 1) I get a lot of that kind of stimulation through my work, but 2) I'm exhausted when I get home and can't often make myself do any of the fiction writing or other hobbies I'd normally love to do. Do you have a job? If your hubby is such a good provider you don't need one and you have no kids, then you have the luxury of finding something intellectually stimulating to do without even worrying if it pays well or not. Go out there and do it and don't rely on your husband to be everything to you. (and find a little sympathy for him - being exhausted after work is not an excuse on his part) Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 been with my husband about seven years... we're not intellectually compatible... we don't share the same intellectual interests. I thrive on reading/various forms of creativity/learning about the world. That is the kind of environment I grew up in... He has few hobbies, and none that he engages in with regularity, as I do... I don't like going out to dinner with him anymore because we have little to talk about other than the same old same old... WOW... I have a hard time believing that, in only 7 years, you have drifted apart that much... I mean... come on... it's hasn't been that long... you certainly knew that you weren't intellectually compatible.... when you had conversations with him 7 years ago.. was he interesting? smart? What happened... in only a few years he lost his intelligence? You said you have a good time on vacation... of course, vacation is a time to relax, to just enjoy the sun, eat, and have sex... I have no advice for you... ONLY you know if you can spend the rest of your life with someone like him. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 I agree with the guys. This is something you should have thought of seven years ago. Is there anyway to find a happy medium, something intellectual you both enjoy? Maybe the two of you could get into discussions about politics, investments, things of that nature that most men enjoy. It's still intellectually stimulating. Imagine the good things a debate might bring you, if you can both discuss it reasonably. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 Intellectual compatibility? um, I always think that the most important thing that triguer the love feeling IS spiritual connection, not mostly from intellectual connection. Someone can think he is very intellectual, and having a logic conversation, I might think secretly boring, boring, and boring....but maybe different people has different needs? Lord told me that loving couple who bind themsevles together in HIM spiritually, they can have vivid loving relationship. It is like a living spring, flow from you to your husband, and from your husband to you. From your post, I sensed both of you don't have that kind of active spiritual spring flowing. You concentrate on diversity and intellectual things, and your husband concentrate on his carreer. but both of you deep inside is not vivid. That's why you don't feel love your husband anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 Oh, when you rate intellectual level more, and think you have higher level, that produce pride, when you have pride, you cannot love sorry if I am off topic Link to post Share on other sites
Author LillyPad11 Posted June 17, 2007 Author Share Posted June 17, 2007 Since everyone is so quick to tear me down for not having thought this through seven years ago, I should mention that seven years ago I was 19 years old. Forgive me for not having had the maturity level at that age to know what would be right for me for the rest of my life. The fact is, in seven years I've grown and matured considerably as a person. I've furthered my education and gotten into the workforce. My view of the world is a lot bigger than it was when I was fresh out of highschool. My situation has nothing to do with snob value or my husband not being intelligent. He is very smart. I already said that. But we're smart in totally different areas, to the point where we can't really relate to each other in the areas which we individually excel at. Now, if anyone has any advice on how they overcame or dealt with this sort of issue in a positive and constructive manner, and they can refrain from chastising me for not having it all figured out when I was a teenager, then I'd love to hear their suggestions. I loved my husband then, and I love him today, but that doesn't change the fact that this has become a significant problem that is having an effect on our relationship. Seven years ago the relationship fit. Today, I want to see if I can't still make it fit. I'm looking for advice from people who have had this same problem and how specifically they made it work or if not, what they decided to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 It ain't all about spirituality, Lonely. Sometimes it's just about being merely human wich, by definition, means you're fallible. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 Today, I want to see if I can't still make it fit. I'm looking for advice from people who have had this same problem and how specifically they made it work or if not, what they decided to do. Thirty-eight years ago I made the same "mistake." I hung-in there for 25 years. I shouldn't have. My mistake. Maybe you can make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
Chewy2007 Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 My fiance is exactly the same. I cant talk to him about anything and when we do talk its only for like 2 min about something stupid. All he can talk about is computer games, and how much he hates work and his computer. I like to talk about other things more important in life but it dosent work. I am bored mentally too, and need brain stimulation. And sex drive has gone down hill completely becasue of it. All of my other relationships the men never have a problem with talking about anything for a long time. And the same as you when we, and if we ever go to dinner (once in a full moon) we have nothing to talk about other than how the food tastes great. And his computer. (yawn). When we go on holidays once in a full moon we have hardly anything to day. Everything he says is more important than what i am saying. Or he is simply not interested in the topic. (its not computer games, or about computers). But he is happy to talk to people online for 8 hours about computer games. Than talk to me. And he wonders why hes not getting anything from me in the sex department, i simply dont exist only when the house is a mess and he notices it and hes like oh clean up the house. He goes to work and sits on the couch and watches tv and play computer games. Pretty boring if you ask me. Sat and sunday hardly every go out becasue he sleeps in and when he does wake up its (Computer game time and tv time) What a boring life. (yawn) Oh yeah i have been with his for 7 years too (yawn) Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 I am not sure why everyone seemed to jump down your throat about this, either. People have a lot of feelings and situations of which they are not proud but for the most part, should be able to express their honest feelings and get back honest advice. Once in a while I see a post on here that says something so objectionable and obviously selfish,etc that I have a negative response...but yours was not one of those. Even if you had said "he just isn't attractive to me anymore now that he has gained 200 pounds"...I mean that might SOUND shallow but such things do happen and you ought to be able to come on here and get positive feedback when you really are trying to find a way to make things work. Anyway you weren't even being snobbish. And especially knowing that you were only 19...well...I am not surprised you are in this boat. I have been with men in both the "snobbish" and "non snobbish" versions of intellectual incompatibility and I know that it isn't easy. I don't have much advice for you. The only thing I can suggest is to try to find some common interests to pursue. One thing that I did once that sort of helped was to get this book called "Book of Questions" (I don't even know if it is around anymore, this was quite some time ago). This book just had a bunch of moral/ethical type questions in it that could be used as conversation starters, I don't remember any of them, but along the lines of "if you could rob a bank and get away with it completely, would you do it?" So I would crack out the book and ask my SO some of the questions and it WOULD lead to thoughtful discussion...and also provided more insight into my SO's thinking! Otherwise, try to think of something that is NOT one of your current hobbies, but something entirely new that both of you would be starting out at the same level on. Sometimes people have a very hard time engaging in an interest with someone when that someone already knows a lot - they feel like they're way behind right off the bat. Perhaps the things that he watches on tv could be some kind of clue as to what might work. If he watches comedies, maybe try to get him to go out to comedy clubs or find a really funny book (a short one!) that goes with his sense of humor. If he watches sports, maybe watch with him a little to find out more about the game and see if that would help reconnect. I don't know what he watches on tv, but is there any possibility that he feels that you also don't share his interests so he doesn't bother? That doesn't sound likely to me, but I'm just throwing it out there. I actually do have an intellectual discrepancy in my marriage that is more of what people might like to think of as the "snobbish" variety. I don't think of it that way. It's just the fact. And I would be a big fat liar if I said that it never ever comes into play. There is also a physical discrepancy. Basically he is the good looking one and I am the smart one. Maybe a little role reversal there, but this reality does play into the dynamic in different ways. He's not stupid and I am not ugly, but I do occasionally have issues with impatience on the one hand and jealousy on the other. The last thing I would like to STRONGLY ADVISE is that you do not have children with this man until you can sort out whether this issue can be resolved within the marriage. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 One last comment, as if I hadn't gone on long enough. It might help also for you to do a little introspection to consider, what would be enough for me? I say this because, sometimes in relationships, when people aren't getting something they need and it comes up as an issue and some attempt to address it is made...by the time it has come out into the open, it isn't a booboo anymore but a serious emergency. So that, when the other person tries to babystep in the "right direction", it comes off as "too little too late", even though for GOD'S SAKE THEY'RE FINALLY TRYING! Addressing each other's needs should be a bit of a back and forth of "I need this that and the other" "well I can give you this and that, but only part of the other" "OK I can/cannot live with that". Grossly oversimplified but you get the idea. It rarely actually occurs because people are too defensive or whatever...but...that's how I think it SHOULD work... Just remember to acknowledge any progress that you can make and that you cannot expect a total personality overhaul. If in your heart you find that he cannot meet your intellectual needs (not wants, needs), then you should find a way to move on and not delay the inevitable. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 Since everyone is so quick to tear me down for not having thought this through seven years ago, I should mention that seven years ago I was 19 years old. Forgive me for not having had the maturity level at that age to know what would be right for me for the rest of my life. The fact is, in seven years I've grown and matured considerably as a person. I've furthered my education and gotten into the workforce. My view of the world is a lot bigger than it was when I was fresh out of highschool. My situation has nothing to do with snob value or my husband not being intelligent. He is very smart. I already said that. But we're smart in totally different areas, to the point where we can't really relate to each other in the areas which we individually excel at. Now, if anyone has any advice on how they overcame or dealt with this sort of issue in a positive and constructive manner, and they can refrain from chastising me for not having it all figured out when I was a teenager, then I'd love to hear their suggestions. I loved my husband then, and I love him today, but that doesn't change the fact that this has become a significant problem that is having an effect on our relationship. Seven years ago the relationship fit. Today, I want to see if I can't still make it fit. I'm looking for advice from people who have had this same problem and how specifically they made it work or if not, what they decided to do. If you don't want negative response..maybe you should put ALL the information in your original post... how are we suppose to guess... I stand by my post though and for all who read this forum... 19 years old is waayyyyy too young to get married...this is a good proof. Link to post Share on other sites
VIP Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 I consider myself superintelligent. My husband is smart in some ways, but he doesn't have too much knowledge or experience in different areas of life. Somehow I never thought of it as a problem. When he watches TV, I have time to devote to my intellectual hobbies. We don't have to do it together. Besides, if I want to talk, I simply start talking. I told him, that I don't expect him to talk a lot, I just want to be listened to. However at a certain moment during the conversation he starts to talk. I think some men have a fear of expressing themselves, because they are afraid of arguments, they would rather say yes to everything, which is not necessarily what they are really thinking. So I finally got him to talk just about anything, it just took some practice. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 When I was married I had kind of the same problem you are having. Anyway, I found something we could both enjoy doing together that didn't require a lot of talking. It took a lot of different ideas to strike on one that he finally liked too. So we took up mountain biking together. And trust me, it wasn't as simple as saying "Hey, how about going biking together".. he nixed it initially as "boring". But I got a couple cheap bikes, and drug him out to a one track bike trail and he loved it. (The man was NOT into any form of "exercise" so I was highly amazed he got into mnt biking so avidly) If our other problems hadn't been so huge, then the fact that our interests weren't aligned would have been greatly helped by the mnt biking hobby we shared. It created a way for both of us to have something to talk about, it allowed us to share time together without struggling to keep the other person interested, and it got us to laugh and have fun together again. Don't get too pesimistic just yet... Talk to your husband about how you're feeling and offer up some ideas of what might potentially help both of you. And he might not be thrilled about some of the ideas off the bat, but ask him to try them first before he makes a decision. Then drag him out to do it. Ask him for his help on this. Then you can decide if you've done everything you can to make the relationship happy for both of you. You could try wall climbing, biking, hiking, art classes, take weird classes together at the community college (they offer some of those on weekends only), take a cooking class together, or join one of those clubs that take people to different places for a different outdoor activity. There was one around my place that people joined and could pool their money to go white water rafting and horseback riding on weekends. Plus the group met once a month and they'd have speakers talk about different activities and give tips and thoughts on how to make things more fun or easier to accomplish. I had a great time doing it, and tons of couples were in the group. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 I think some men have a fear of expressing themselves, because they are afraid of arguments, they would rather say yes to everything, which is not necessarily what they are really thinking. I think that does typify a lot of men who would much rather maintain the peace than become drawn into disagreements. I was certainly one of them in my last marriage and in looking back, it was decidedly learned behavior. Thankfully I unlearned it before remarrying and the reality is, there's very little my wife and I disagree about anyway. But when we do we have a conversation, not a confrontation and are equally happy either coming to agreement or simply agreeing to disagree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LillyPad11 Posted June 17, 2007 Author Share Posted June 17, 2007 Lizzie60, if I'd even realized people would attack me for my choices seven years in the past rather than focus on the present situation that I'm trying to find a solution for, then I would have mentioned that I was really young seven years ago. I have gotten some good ideas here of some new activities we could try. Thank you for the suggestions. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 Lillypad, what does your husband enjoy talking about? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 I'm going to expand on why I asked that question. The issue is that you're not intellectually challenged by your husband. You were married seven years ago and have focused on self-improvement. Think about what you both enjoyed seven years ago and while I suspect the primary focus was endorphin-based, there must have been subjects you enjoyed discussing. Also, your focus appears to be your frustration. He may also have frustrations with not being able to connect with you. Why not encourage him with the things you find positive in him? Encourage him to discuss his own interests and maybe within these components, you may find something of interest to yourself. Respect is a funny thing in that it's both self-fueling and interactive. If someone discusses something that the other person brushes off as uninteresting, it can lead to lack of respect back. Link to post Share on other sites
Topper Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 You had a lot of positive things to say about your husband. You listed all the things that made him a good guy. and a good husband. But to me what was noticeably absent was you never said you loved him. You did say that a lot of woman would love a guy like him. Have you been taking classes or advancing your education in some way since the two of you got married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LillyPad11 Posted June 17, 2007 Author Share Posted June 17, 2007 We went out this afternoon, for a walk in the park. I usually walk alone, just around the neighborhood for a workout, but I asked him to come along, just for fun. I told I thought it was nice to spend time together doing something different, even if it's something simple. He agreed. We talked about getting bikes and going for rides, and he thought that sounded good. Maybe the biggest problem is that we're in a rut by not doing enough joint activities. TrialbyFire, he likes to pretty much talk about work. When we talk, we tend to go over the same set of topics over and over. It's not easy to engage him in conversation when he constantly has the TV on. But, again, maybe if we can get out of the rut we're in and start doing some new activities together on a regular basis, that will change. Topper, I DID say I love him. It's there in my 2nd post. lol. And yeah, I've continued my education and I work. I've gotten a lot of good suggestions from everyone, and I'm really feeling optimistic about this. Thanks everybody! I think the biggest thing that's become clear to me is that we've fallen into a terrible rut where we truly don't make the effort to do enough joint activities that are aside from the usual go to a movie/get dinner variety. Good thing about ruts in you can crawl out of them! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 Now that's the spirit!! Good luck lillypad. It sounds like the man you married is buried somewhere in the stress of everyday life. In no time flat the two of you will be debating the merits of Dostoevsky. So how about that Crime and Punishment... Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 My family could talk for the Olympics and we usually cover the history of mankind, effects of religious thought on the subconscouse, the world great leaders and life, love, sex and the universe before breakfast. Twice. We talk, we analyze, we discuss, intellectual debate is mother's milk for me. My man if not as expressive, he likes fast cars. When we were first dating I was puzzled by the silences. I discussed the 'problem' with a friend of mine at the time; she asked me "do you know what you need? Not what you WANT but what you need to be happy and fulfilled? " I realised (after some time) that despite our vastly different styles of communication and backgrounds, he gave me the stability and balanced input I needed. That he did 'get' me and will speak up if he felt it necessary. No I don't like car racing (his passion) no he doesn't enjoy poetry (mine). I go to rallies (sometimes) he never comes to my poetry writing class. He likes to cook, I like to eat. He watches me run (Marathons - how boring is that?!), I watch him fix his bike (ditto). I talk, he listens. He keeps me from swinging wildly and loosing touch with reality. I ... talk a lot. Anyway, somehow we make it work. There is nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship (been there done that), if you guys cannot connect on ANY level and he doesn't "get" you, understand you in any way, then you're in for a bumpy road BUT if you can compromise, find to connection and work to keep it then the real issue is not what you want (you already know you want get all of that) but what you NEED. Link to post Share on other sites
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