Problems with Intellectual Compatibility

[Curmudgeon]

I've gotten a lot of good suggestions from everyone, and I'm really feeling optimistic about this. Thanks everybody! I think the biggest thing that's become clear to me is that we've fallen into a terrible rut where we truly don't make the effort to do enough joint activities that are aside from the usual go to a movie/get dinner variety. Good thing about ruts in you can crawl out of them!

 

By the way, LillyPad, it's not called the "Seven Year Itch" for nothing. It takes about that long to really get to know one another and, yes, fall into one of those ruts Climbing out can be a challenge and even fun. It sounds like you've just discovered that.

 

Best of luck. My guess is that the two of you will find middle ground soon enough.

[abejafuerte]

my current boyfriend is a GREAT person, very kind, very intelligent, easily communicates his feelings and emotions, dynamic, passionate about life, treats friends and family well, stable, responsible, open-minded, easy-going, very supportive of me, reliable, confident-- and i find him sexually attractive..

 

HOWEVER-

 

i have been reading other threads besides this one on same topic, looking for feedback and i noticed a lot of people are commenting on how smart people are.. i feel that this thread is more accurately addressing the issue of intellectual compatibility by discussing COMPATIBILITY and not intelligence..

 

i am super-intelligent and so is this boyfriend, but he is not an "intellectual".. he does not read enough if at all.. this is a cultural difference, ie, i don't know how to deal with somebody like this.. i don't care what he is reading (ideally there would be some overlap of interests), just tell me about a book or email me an article.. another thing that keeps popping up on these related threads: why won't this guy or woman talk about art, politics, social issues, science? i am not a snob and know plenty of guys that can talk forever about those topics, but lack most of the positive list of attributes i listed above... my issue with current guy is that he does not spark my interest or engage me in ANY topic that is not related to basic information about my work, his work, his house projects, some sports and maybe occasional travel discussions.. the reason why this wasn't apparent to me for these months until now is b/c as soon as we met we both had major life events happen to us- some personally, some familial (change of careers, death, severe illness, legal issues)- therefore, our conversations were all about these major events and how to proceed, how we felt, etc..

 

and this is now why we are so close b/c we both helped each other, became emotionally invested, supported each other, etc.. he was so great to me.. i feel loved, appreciated, respected, protected, admired and i know he feels same.. but now that everything has calmed down, i have now noticed that if i am out of town, for example, i don't feel need to talk to him (besides basic acts of considerate communication or major occurences "i drove through a tornado!") .. i am not angry, i just realize that i get bored talking to him.. is that because he is not telling me his opinion about chomsky's new book? NO- if he was telling me his theory or observations or made-up/creative bull**** on ANYTHING- i would be engaged.. would i also love to talk about argentina's attempts at reviving their economy, the 50% reduction of 20 species of north american birds, or why tesla was ostracized and omitted from most history books? OF COURSE- but again, i have fascinating conversations with other people about all kinds of topics, some serious- some not.. i am realizing that his world is smaller and more simple.. again, a really intelligent guy.. but maybe just more simple- he can process things quickly, form an opinion and spit it out and i am wondering what bizarre thoughts does he have if any? questions? quandaries? etc

 

i know i need to evaluate what is important to me: he has all the characteristics that i have always wanted, except this MAJOR ONE.. i have had great "brain sex" with guys who are so self-centered or pretentious or emotionally stunted or way too irresponsible/unstable... so now i find a supersmart guy who i enjoy hanging out with but find myself more and more bored by-- do we have to agree on everything? NO.. but i would like to see him interested in more things and maybe upset or perplexed by more things and also maybe more cynical and skeptical?

 

sorry this is so long.. i just came from hospital where my mom is undergoing chemo.. that is only one major thing going on in my life among many and i feel that i need help from you guys --- is it a clue that i will be unfulfilled and that i will have "settled" if i never (just realized this today) quote my boyfriend to my friends? if i am sometimes baffled that he can form quick opinions and close "the channel" on random topics instead of wanting to pontificate or theorize or analyze (again, on ANYTHING and i love creativity and humor)- is this a sign i will be safe, secure, loved, admired but only will be intellectually turned on by my friends, colleagues, etc? is this enough?

 

i guess i know answer- it just sucks.. he is completely happy and i am too, to an extent and i feel this issue will become worse if i don't leave and then i will begin to resent him ... that would suck b/c he treats me really well.. i don't want to leave if something can be fixed- but is this fixable? do guys know that some women (like and my eccentric women friends) are EXTREMELY TURNED ON by: (re: somebody like jon stewart or those new zealand acoustic guys)

 

1. curiousity/desire to learn/need to explore & analyze & theorize

2. ability to laugh at self

3. ability to be generous, kind & not an arrogant/smart/hip *******

 

we (women i know) love nerds and we are turned on by that weird essay that you wrote on the art of throwing horseshoes or the letter you sent describing your mental and physical observations on recent trip to n. carolina (see? i didn't say prague.. it's more about attitude..) or the bizarro email card you sent about nutria rat problem in louisiana.. again- ANYTHING that isn't about your mortgage payment reconfiguration or fantasy football or what is so great about the new bmw .. or if you bring those things up, supplement with other topics----

 

i will finally shut up... if you see this, thanks for listening- i am not re-reading to edit.. i just wanna know what you guys think and if i am giving up on "the good guy" just b/c he doesn't know what troma films are or he hangs out with his ex-jock friends (all married w/kids) while i am with my gang of freaks (artists of all kind, scientists of all kinds, etc) ..

 

THE END - gratzie!

[Trialbyfire]

In reality ladies, who's to say that preferred mens topics aren't cerebral?

 

Do you know how twin turbos spool and why staggering a supercharger and a turbo might work for different cars? Why is a straight exhaust preferred, over an exhaust that has bends? What does the term "there's no replacement for displacement" mean? Surprisingly, some of these questions have some serious physics and chemistry behind them.

 

Before denigrating anyone's interests, you may want to look to your interests and see why they bore your men.

[jmargel]

We often get so comfortable with each other that we take each other for granted. We start to overlook the things that made us fall in love with them in the first place. You didn't fall in love with him for what he knows, you fell in love with him for who he is.

 

Perhaps you are not bored intellectly but bored in general with life. What you get out of a marriage is what you put into it, just like anything else. You could also be experiencing the seven-year itch if you know what I mean.

 

Both my wife and I have good jobs and degrees yet when I talk to her at times or if we watch a show like jeopardy, I'll be rattling off answers while she looks like she's in a daze.. lol

 

I wouldn't bring it up that she doesn't 'do it for me' intellectly because that is more of a put-down than anything. If you want to be challenged that way, do it in your own ways. Set goals for yourself and accomplish them. Read the posts from here and learn from other people's mistakes. I doubt you want to get rid of your husband over this.

 

A wise man learns from other's mistakes, a fool learns from their own.

[cursedlyfickle]

As a first time poster I would like to thank everyone for their input and honesty. Forums like these allow one to realize that we are not in this alone.

I find myself in a similar situation to you Lily, minus the 7 years of marriage. The prospect of being alone after 7 years is a scary one I'm sure! But so is the thought of the rest of your life being lived unfullfilled. I do not claim to have all the answers. How much intellectual fullfillment/stimulation can be found from outside a relationship and still be healthy? If it is a need for you, it will have to come from somewhere.

I think it's been said in various forms, but I think the key is figuring out how important it is to YOU. What can you live without? Are other aspects there that you could not find in anyone else? I've realized for me the answer must come from within unfortunately not the internet (despite already having spent hours looking to google for answers).

I think when kids get involved life is simplified in a sense. Intellectual compatability is no longer as great a concern because there is no time for it. We are cursed I think in modern society in a sense because we have too much time to analyze and idealize. I don't have kids but...at 3 in the morning when your baby is crying and you're exhausted and your hsuband is kind enough to get up and change a diaper or solve whatever problem there may be, will intellectual compat. be important.

Another question I have is this: After 15 years with someone, no matter how intellectual they are, will you run out of things to talk about?

It's a confusing matter!

Good luck to all trying to figure it out. I certainly need it. Any input greatly appreciated.

[Pilgrim]

Hey lillipad

 

Glad the walks bikes thing is working out. I've read most of the posts (well I skipped bits of the long ones) but to put my twopennyworth in (as they say where I come from)...

 

Compatibility is a many sided thing. My wife is my best friend (despite current problems) yet she doesnt "get" poetry / metaphor. I used to write lots and had a previous girlfriend before I married who really appreciated and connected with me in that world. I'd say it comes down to a mixture of 3 things:

 

1. Change the other person - can do a bit but not beyond limits - they are who they are.

2. Change yourself - for me I guess the poet side of me went underground for quite a while. Bit sad, but in the scheme of things I accepted that (1) was not within my wife's capability really.

3. Realise that one person is not ever designed to meet all your needs. On a practical level, consider the "conversation being boring when we go out" issue. I'm not suggesting an emotional affair or anything like that, but do you have another couple you can go out for a meal with where there will be spark for both of you in the conversation. A couple of extra friends breaks the rut.

 

I'm sure theres loads more to it than that, but it may help a bit, I hope

 

Pilgrim