Age differences....

[bede86]

This relates to another post of mine, but is purely Hypothetical, what if a Guy was 21 years old and in university and he went out with a 28 year old Woman, who had finished her degree's and was working. Who here see's a problem with this? who doesn't? what issue's would arise from a union such as this?

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

This relates to another post of mine, but is purely Hypothetical, what if a Guy was 21 years old and in university and he went out with a 28 year old Woman, who had finished her degree's and was working. Who here see's a problem with this? who doesn't? what issue's would arise from a union such as this?

 

 

Well, frankly, the guy is a bit too young. On the face of it, I don't think it will last long - but I don't have more details, so this is just a primary assessment.

 

It depends on how important they consider each other's presence in their lives.

 

It's important for both to have a common understanding on where they want to be in life, individually and together. It takes a lot of work and dedication, and the will to maintain the relationship through the many changes and demands of life. Not many people have that.

 

And at 21, I doubt if the guy should even be required to think about all this.

[lindya]

I think the main problem is imbalance of experience. If you're the older person, and if you've had lots of opportunities to travel, have relationships with different people and try out new experiences, then the likelihood is that you'll want a younger person who you care about to get those same opportunities. Opportunities that a serious, committed relationship might close off to them.

 

There's a lot of potential for the younger person to feel pressurised to settle into a more mature adult attitude and lifestyle that they're not ready for...and likewise, there's pressure on the older person to put their own needs (for relationship security and stability) to one side in order to protect the younger party from feeling those pressures. It's hard to have an equitable relationship with long term potential under those circumstances. I'm not saying it's impossible, but you'd have your work cut out - that's for sure.

[bede86]

I have a very "Fantasy" view of love, puts me at odds with my friends and most of society lol, so I believe two people from anywhere any age and of any culture can fall in love. But Society also would really frown on this, but hey it's not hurting anyone. Realistically the older woman I like whose 28 me being the 21 year old guy , will not and could never feel the same about me, shes Just to realistic, but still Just curious to see what would come of it if it did happen hypothetically speaking....

[lindya]

I have a very "Fantasy" view of love, puts me at odds with my friends and most of society lol, so I believe two people from anywhere any age and of any culture can fall in love. But Society also would really frown on this, but hey it's not hurting anyone. Realistically the older woman I like whose 28 me being the 21 year old guy , will not and could never feel the same about me, shes Just to realistic, but still Just curious to see what would come of it if it did happen hypothetically speaking....

 

Well, nobody can predict with certainty what would come of it. I've been in a relationship with a similar age difference (though we were both slightly older than you and the object of your admiration when we first got together). There were a lot of really fun aspects to it, but it went on for a good bit longer than it should have done (I'm talking years here) and perhaps because of that it ended far less well than it could have done.

 

I have to say that I didn't find myself incurring social disapproval. Most people - including family and friends - didn't seem to notice or think anything of the age difference. The most teasing I got about it was from male acquaintances...and with hindsight that's something I should have explored a bit with them, because I think they knew something I didn't.

 

One of the main difficulties for me was that the age gap does present certain difficulties, and my then bf steadfastly refused to address or acknowledge that. It would be highlighted most when we spent time with his friends. I'd tend to find it all very studenty and would get that "been here, left it behind years ago" feeling.

 

Also, he'd often present a world view that struck me as very inexperienced. I found it hard to debate things with him in the way that I'd debate with an older man, because I was conscious of not wanting to play the "I've more life experience than you card." Partly out of vanity, and also to preserve his ego.

 

His view of the relationship was generally very positive (except towards the end when things fell apart badly). He'd say that it felt very natural, that we just "clicked" and that I was easier to be around than women his own age. I didn't feel the same way. I loved him, but I certainly didn't find it easy to conduct a relationship with him. There were all kinds of ways in which I'd have to compromise, and not let him know that I was compromising, in order to make it work.

 

There was also the issue, as I mentioned in my previous post, of being conscious that this was a young guy who should have the opportunity to experience all sorts of things in life. The focus was very much on trying to convince myself that I was this immensely strong, tolerant and emotionally together woman whose needs were secondary to his. That was definitely not about a "you're male so your needs matter more than mine" attitude. It was more to do with a "you're younger - I have to protect you and make allowances for you" thing.

 

You can only sustain that for so long, and cope with all the challenging situations that arise from the other person buying into (and perhaps exploiting) the idea that as the older person you must be more tolerant. Eventually a sense of "I also have needs. I'm not always as strong as you think, and I matter just as much as you do..." sets in.

 

I can only talk from my experience here, but that experience is that the older woman/younger guy thing contained more benefits for him than it did for me. It's not an experience I'd repeat....but that's because I know the kind of person I am, and a relationship like that is too likely to push me towards an extreme of denying my own needs until they jump up and whack me in the face. Another kind of woman might manage it far more assertively, realistically and successfully.

[Lizzie60]

This relates to another post of mine, but is purely Hypothetical, what if a Guy was 21 years old and in university and he went out with a 28 year old Woman, who had finished her degree's and was working. Who here see's a problem with this? who doesn't? what issue's would arise from a union such as this?

 

For me, unless there is at least 10 years difference, it's not even an age gap.

 

Been there done that, I dated a guy who was at the University about 4 years ago... I was 51 then, he was 27. We dated for over a year... he was amazingly mature and good looking (African-American, he was told a few times that he looks like Denzel Washington), he was in his Masters in Policital Science so he was very smart. We very much enjoyed each other in all aspects... he was an great lover.

 

Anyway... the only problem, in my case, was that I was working, making good money, and he wasn't... so we either had to stay at home or a few times he could take me out... he even got me a nice birthday gift (he was sooo sweet)... but I felt bad when he spent money on me... LOL...

 

We went to the Old Montreal for one weekend and I had to pay for most of the expenses... (hotel, meals) I didn't mind but the financial problem can be a burden on a long term.

 

In my case, I knew the age difference was so big that it could not be anything more than casual dating.. or short term...and he moved back to Toronto after his studies, and I don't do the LD 'dating'...

 

In your case, 28 and 21 is not a big age gap... it's close enough... and he might be very mature so there is no difference intellectually but financially is where I can see a problem and the fact that he could not be as 'available' due to his studies... (exams, tests)... In my case, during exams, I didn't get to see him at all... or when he had an important test to study... but I didn't mind, I had a busy life too.

[ConfusedButLoved]

I don't think age matters too much (as long as both parties are of age of course) I think maturity level is the issue. I know alot of people with quite an age difference in a relationship that are doing great. I and my husband are 14 years apart (him being my senior) and have been together for 2 years. Not to say there arn't any issues whatsoever. He does have ALOT of experience with life in general on me, but the way our relationship works is he is very patient with me and he has helped me so much with situations I didn't know how to handle. However, if the roles were reversed, I can't see myself dating a man of 23 if I were 36. Actually, I never seriously dated anyone near my age even in my late teens. I just couldn't identify with them. Women also mature faster than men.

 

I think every relationship will have it's own issues and it's kind of hard to give advice on this subject. I think if you both are on the same maturity level and can identify with each other in where you both are in life, then go for it. However if you see that there will be problems due to someone having more experience than you, you might be better off finding someone closer to you're age.