a good relationship suddenly down the drain?

[inulg]

Well...this is my first time posting ( but definetly not my first time being here! i love this website )and so here are... my issues... ohh and thank you if you actually finish reading the entire thing!!

 

So my ex and I have been dating for 6 years now. I am 22 and he is 23. We've had a pretty good relationship minus our arguments. We've always argued, as much as any couple does, and we both acknowledged getting over the arguments helped us learn more about each other as individuals and ourselves. Within the last 2 years we started arguing about commitment. Well more like talking....but they always evolved into arguments because he never wanted to talk about it. So anyway, after two years he decides that he can give me commitment but only in the form of a promise ring. I said fine, because I'm not ready to get married yet, and at least he was able to give me some form of commitment, so I was happy. What was odd was that i felt that calling it a 'pre-engagement' ring would mean the same thing (plus i was using this term to tell all my friends and family about it--they didn't know what a promise ring was) so Long story short, this turned into another argument about what it really meant. He's a bit of a commitment phobe, but doesn't want to acknowledge it. we both know we have really bad communication problems, so we had been going to counciling together to work things out. however we only did this for about a month ( we both ended up graduating and neither of us had money to pay for one--the councilors at our college were free).

 

Right after he gave me the 'promise' ring he became really withdrawn and needing lots of space from me. we were going to move in together, and the thought of moving in with me i could tell it scared him. It was during this time he decided to stop inviting me out with our mutual friends, and telling me he wanted to be alone when he really went out with friends minus me. OKAY I'm cool with that, except we got in yet ANOTHER argument on the phone where he said something offensive to me (since he had given me the ring, he had been not just cold, but also mean) about commitment and being with me. anyway this combined with the stress of graduating, trying out for grad school, moving, and moving IN with me, he decides that the relationship is making him so depressed that he feels suicidal and needed to get out of the relationship. he claims that he is not giving up on the relationship, because we tried as much as we could ( ok, now remember we only went to counciling for one month!) and he doesn't see things working out. He says theres a possibility that he might be able to get back into the relationship once he figures out what is stressing him out (obviously not just the relationship but also life stresses).

 

It just really pisses me off that I can see that hes obviously stressed out by the commitment thing, and everything else happening in his life, but he decides that the only reason he's stressed out is because of our arguments. i'm so angry right now. I'm a dope for begging him to take me back, but we've been through so much together, and I know 6 years isnt much, but I had so many hopes. I know i'm probably in a futile relationship (with him not wanting commitment, and I wanting some) but i love him so much. We're living together, i gave him back the promise ring for him to make up his mind. He will occasionally tell me he misses me, and that he still loves me, but he says he doesn't know how he feels about getting back into the relationship. he says right now he doesn't want to be in any kind of relationship, and he doesn't want me to think that i should wait around for him. But i cant help but wait for him to decide what he wants to do, i live with him and we still talk.

 

He left to Miami for 2 months, (we've been broken up for one month alreadY) and i'm hoping he'll figure things out, but for now, what do i do? I know i cant show him the mistake he's making, but i dont want to start over. i had so many things that i talked to him about in our future that i am so heart broken. I can get over him, its just i dont want to. I want us to be together again. *sigh*

[ukmale]

alot about your situation and thoughts are similar to the predicament im in. same age. i was with my gf for over 4 years, split 5 weeks ago both going threw the getting our careers sorted stage. she only has 2 months left, we then would of took it to the next step, house and commitment etc.

 

we was both arguing in the end of our relationship, she turns round and says that she has had enough of it. it was making us both unhappy and thinks for the long term it wasnt going to work. i tried everything to cinvince her that she is going threw a really stressful period with studies and that this is why there is tension. funny thing is, its all she used to say to me when we had a falling out. jus hang in there, it wont be for much longer etc. she says she still has the same feelings for me, loves me, misses me.

 

i think to myself though which you prob should be doin is if someone really does love you why would they walk away when the going gets tough. i know stress can do weird things. i wake up everyday hurting, a large portion of my day has her in my mind. you said you can get over him which i think i can to. at least you can say that. keep a level head on things. i found myself and still do dwelling on the ifs and buts. it got me no where. think forward.

 

as much as it hurts you, you have to try and get on with your own life, take one day at a time, dont look to far ahead. you can say you have no regrets because you tried everything you could. i believe timing is everything in a relationship. let him have his time away to reflect, so in this time you can to. if its meant to be it will.

 

anytime u wanna chat jus say.

[inulg]

alot about your situation and thoughts are similar to the predicament im in. same age. i was with my gf for over 4 years, split 5 weeks ago both going threw the getting our careers sorted stage. she only has 2 months left, we then would of took it to the next step, house and commitment etc.

 

we was both arguing in the end of our relationship, she turns round and says that she has had enough of it. it was making us both unhappy and thinks for the long term it wasnt going to work. i tried everything to cinvince her that she is going threw a really stressful period with studies and that this is why there is tension. funny thing is, its all she used to say to me when we had a falling out. jus hang in there, it wont be for much longer etc. she says she still has the same feelings for me, loves me, misses me.

 

i think to myself though which you prob should be doin is if someone really does love you why would they walk away when the going gets tough. i know stress can do weird things. i wake up everyday hurting, a large portion of my day has her in my mind. you said you can get over him which i think i can to. at least you can say that. keep a level head on things. i found myself and still do dwelling on the ifs and buts. it got me no where. think forward.

 

as much as it hurts you, you have to try and get on with your own life, take one day at a time, dont look to far ahead. you can say you have no regrets because you tried everything you could. i believe timing is everything in a relationship. let him have his time away to reflect, so in this time you can to. if its meant to be it will.

 

anytime u wanna chat jus say.

 

that's exactly how i feel in the back of my head, that i should just move on....its just so hard because hes trying to make a decision and thinking of all the 'what if's' really get me down. i want to wait for him, and i've told him that, but he told me theres a possibility that he may decide not to come back to the relationship. The arguments do suck, and i see what he's getting at, but i felt like we made so much progress and then he just gave up another thing that sucks : we're living together...so i see him every day... *sigh*

 

did your girlfriend ever realize that it was outside stressors and not just the relationship?

 

i really want to make my ex realize he's making a mistake but i know he'll only realize it on his own

[Tony T]

Good relationships never go down the drain. Only bad ones do and that's the direction they should go.

[ukmale]

everything u have said she did the same, we broke up, but for 5 weeks she was unsure how she felt, didnt know weather to listen to her head or her heart. she kept sayin her feeling had not changed, she loved me and missed me, even now i get the odd txt saying the same thing. for me its made coping triple worse. it was getting to my sanity. communication is everything, something i look back to which we didnt have, maybe this applies to yuor situation.

 

looking back i wish i just left her be and not bothered making a huge effort to tell her what she meant to me. at least i,ll go on without regret. u living together does not help, i think space is needed in a situation like yours. if your ex is being honest in that he is unsure then time is what is needed. my ex proberly needs time, especially with her uni finishing up. she did say outside stresses cuased our break-up after i raised the issue. at the end of the day people go threw many stresses in there life so i feel now it makes no difference.

 

me and im not alone here, put there ex up there to make them fell 'god' like, like they are the only person that makes ur life worth living. my plan is to get on with my life, learn from my mistakes (there was a few) and become a better person. i wont talk bout time heals all cause like u the feelings and thoughts in my head are very raw at the moment, im hurting but at the end of the day there is nothing that can be done about.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

Don't know if this will help but I think of my ex as two different people. The person who dumped me and the person who wants to be with me.

 

While she is the person who dumped me when I find myself thinking of her and all the things that might have been, I always remind myself that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. This really helped me get through all the initial emotional stuff.

 

If she ever again becomes the person who wants me she is going to have to do some serious convincing for me to believe that she has changed back, learned from our time apart and is prepared to properly commit to the "for better for worse" part of our marriage vows. In the meantime I get on with my life, I have met a lovely lady and we're getting on great. She knows that my ex may come back but she is prepared to take the risk as I have assured her she would be in on any relationship talk that may eventuate.

 

Good luck .

[inulg]

Thank you ukmale and Yernasia Quorelios for responding... I guess the hardest part will be trying to change my thoughts from 'maybe he'll come back' to 'he's the one that dumped me, its his fault!' haha.....ahhhh *cry*

 

thanks again for the advice .... i guess he just needs some time and i just need to get over him... although i'm not sure how i would feel dating someone else --- im pretty sure i'd be thinking about him

[norajane]

All the stuff about stress is blah blah. He's avoiding the real issue.

 

You know he has a problem with commitment, so you know that even if you got back together, he'd still have a problem with commitment. If you want a marriage commitment, he's not likely to be the one for you.

 

But, if you need more convincing before moving on, wait out the two months while he's in Miami. Do not call him, do not text, do not send him long emails about how much you miss him and love him and how much he means to you. Let him see what life is like without you. Either he'll come back a changed man, or he'll be relieved he escaped from the looming specter of commitment.

[inulg]

All the stuff about stress is blah blah. He's avoiding the real issue.

 

You know he has a problem with commitment, so you know that even if you got back together, he'd still have a problem with commitment. If you want a marriage commitment, he's not likely to be the one for you.

 

But, if you need more convincing before moving on, wait out the two months while he's in Miami. Do not call him, do not text, do not send him long emails about how much you miss him and love him and how much he means to you. Let him see what life is like without you. Either he'll come back a changed man, or he'll be relieved he escaped from the looming specter of commitment.

 

youre too right. I just called him to ask him if he had made a decision, ( its only been a week since he left, but i'm suffering waiting for his stupid decision) and he says he still doesnt know, and i ask him how he feels about throwing a 5+ year relationship away and he claims he isnt. I told him he could take a break as long as it meant coming back to me, and he still claims he isnt sure he wants to come back to me. This is probably about commitment as well as stress and i cant put up with his bull***t anymore. so i'm deciding to move on without him. If he decides to change his mind, great, but he's got alot of apologizing to do. ALOT. Thanks for the kind words

[inulg]

Just thought I'd update on the status of how things have been.

 

It's been almost a year since i posted-- since then we've gotten back together (he loves me, but not enough to want to marry me i guess...). Basically the premise was that I wouldn't bother him about commitment / bring it up until he was comfortable bringing up the topic himself... about 6 months after we got back together, i slowly started introducing the topic again-- but more along the lines of " do you see us together in your future" or " do you want to keep me in your future?" nothing about planning anything... and then the arguments started. It was so funny that when I didn't bring up commitment, as a couple we were both perfectly fine together. Everything was perfect!! But as soon as i brought up anything future wise(regarding 'us' of course-- he LOVES talking about his future when it comes to career)-- everything went to dog poop. I know i had promised him 2 years without bringing up commitment, but it was just eating at me-- the thought that possibly he was just dating me until he found someone else better that he actually DID want to marry. Anyway, what's happening is that when the lease ends, he's decided not to live with me anymore ( probably for the best -- I need to find someone who isn't afraid of the future and knows what they want from life ) I 'm just hoping that in the future he regrets everything--comes crawling back and finally realizes what he gave up ( but that's more than likely not going to happen!! he'll probably wind up dating someone else -- learning not to let go of something good, and marry them :'( ) oh well. maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

 

moral of story - don't try too hard to make things work, if its only one-sided, you're just going to end up dragging out a bad ending!!

Edited March 23, 2008 by inulg

[Belkin]

Just wanted to say it's nice of you to come back and post the rest of your story! Too often I read threads and wish the OP had come back to update the story and let us know where things are currently.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you though... Good luck.

[pigeonsid]

Yes, thanks for the update. It's sad that it didn't work out for you, but it makes me even more grateful that you came back and told us that. I have been missing my ex a lot over the past couple of days, having a bit of a relapse, and what you said about not trying too hard to make things work has sounded like really good advice to me right now. You're right - two people need to work on it together. If my ex really doesn't want to be with me, then there is nothing I can do, nothing I can change about that situation. You've reminded me to steer clear of that and to try focus on just moving on with my life instead.