First heartbreak...boyfriend and friend having an affair. Not coping :(

[MarinaAquamarina]

Two years ago I met my boyfriend, Craig. He's nine years my senior at 27 and lived 100 miles from me in Bristol, (I live in Plymouth) so it was difficult at first - people disapproved of the relationship and we kept it quiet and long-distanced for about six months. eventually, he told me he loved me too much, told everyone we were together, and we were ridiculously happy. I'd never been in love like that before, and couldn't have asked for more. After a few more months, he moved to Plymouth...got a new job, flat, everything...because it was so hard having a long distance relationship. I knew he must love me if he was willing to do that to be near me, expecially considering the age gap and the fact I was going to be going to university the following year (I applied for Exeter so I was still close).

 

He moved into a house divided into four flats. In the flat downstairs lived the landlords and their son and daughter, Lucy. She invited us round for a party one night, and we got on really well. She and I became good friends, as did she and my boyfriend. She and I spent some good nights out together, and sometimes got together and watched films and stuff. She and my boyfriend used to go out sometimes as well, without me, which I kind of had a funny feeling about, but trusted him (stupidly) and didn't think anything of it really. However, months down the line, she seemed to completely go off me. She wouldn't speak to me if I saw her out or anything. My boyfriend and I also started to fight loads. They were spending more time together, so I asked him if they were seeing each other behind my back. He swore they weren't.

 

Then, two weeks ago, three days before my first A Level exam, he took me to a grotty little pub, told me he didn't love me anymore, and that it was over. I was devastated. I knew we'd been having problems, but wasn't aware it had come to that - I thought it was just a rough patch that we could work through. He said it had a lot to do with me going to university - he was scared I was going to leave him when I went and "wanted to avert anyt future heartache". What about my heart? he was giving up before we'd even given it a go.

 

A week later, after lots of drinking and crying, discovered that they had been having an affair. I was beside myself. I went to confront him about it, and he just tolf me to f*uck off, it was none of my business, he didn't love me, etc. He was so, so cruel. I didn't know where the kind, caring man I had fallen in love with had gone.

 

The worst thing is, it's not even like he's in love with her. She's moving to Bulgaria in October, so it's not like they can have a long term relationship - she's just a sordid little affair. It's all about sex. My boyfriend and I had a great sex life, so I just don't know why he did it.

 

I really can't cope. I'm in the middle of my exams, really can't cope or concentrate, and feel like such an idiot for not realising sooner. I know that one day I'll get over it, I know that, but I just don't know how to deal with it now - I'm devastated and desperate, and really don't know what to do. I am completely heartbroken and feel so empty.

 

How do I get through this?

[MarinaAquamarina]

Also, last night I got very drunk and ended up going home with a friend of Craig's. They're not really close - they go drinking together now and again - but I don't know whether I should be feeling really guilty for this. I don't want to persue a relationship with this guy at all; I know it was a stupid thing to do, I just wanted to hurt Craig. I know I used the guy and that's harsh, but in my drunken state, at the time it made sense. How should I handle this situation now?

 

I really hope no one thinks I'm a terrible person.

[BlueEyedSarah]

It will be difficult, but right now you have to realise that you have exams to do right now so study to try keep your mind off it. Later down the line you will realise what a bastard he was and you will feel bad if it affects your exam results.

 

He is not worth the thought and she is not worth the thought. Think about doing good in your life right now, thats a good thought which will be worth thinking about.

[MarinaAquamarina]

It's really hard: on the one hand, I've been spurred on to do really well in my exams so I can get the hell out of Plymouth and away from him by going to Uni...but it's also really, really hard to concentrate. I know they are really important and I cant let him ruin my life, and it's just one week and then I can have a breakdown but argh!...in a way, I hate him even more for doing it now. He could have waited one bloody week, surely? He must have known how it would affect me.

[high_boost]

your a pretty girl so i wouldnt worry about anything. im sure there are plenty of guys out there who will boost your ego and make you feel better. just try to keep your mind off him any way you can. when i found out my ex was cheating on me i listened to alot of metal. mudvayne, atreyu, slipknot ect.ect. everytime i started to feel sorry for myself ide turn it up really loud and screamed along with them and instantly felt better. i also would go out with friends as much as possible. every day it got alittle bit better till one day my cloud was lifted and i felt nothing but pity for her losing such a great guy! just hang in there.

[MarinaAquamarina]

Aw, thank you for the compliment, you're sweet. Yes, I've been listening to Billy Talent a lot over the past few weeks! I have been going out with my friends a lot, they've been lifesavers. I was actually home alone when it happened (my mum was in Turkey) so if it wasn't for them practically moving in, I would have died. I know I'll get over it eventually, but how do I handle it now? Especially with exams? And also after making the silly mistake of jumping into bed with his friend? Do i need to feel guilty for that?

[high_boost]

i wouldnt feel guilty for it. hopefully he will get wind of it and feel his stomach turn a little. really the only way to get around it now is to keep him out of your head. i know thats easier said than done but i dont know what else to tell you. its gonna take time nomatter what you do. i also used a rebound to get through mine. she knew she was a rebound tho so no worries. just find a guy you think is cute and have fun with him. make sure he knows you dont want a serious relationship tho so he doesnt get hurt. thats the easiest way to get over someone. not the nicest but definatly the easiest. im sure ill get shot for suggesting it tho.

[MarinaAquamarina]

Ha, no, it kind of is a good idea. But at the same time, I would feel guilty, stupidly, as if I was betraying my ex (it's so odd calling him that). I think I might get out of the city for a while, perhaps go travelling over the summer before uni, to clear my head? Put some distance between us?

[high_boost]

sure just dont travel alone because that leaves you with too much time to think. and stop worrying what he thinks. you dont have to answer to him or please him in any way. **** him and not literaly

[MarinaAquamarina]

Yeah, you're right. Why on earth should I care about hurting his feelings after what he's done? God, I am just so ANGRY. Thanks for the advice

[loveinlife]

heya Marina! Im here paying my dues for the advice you gave me lol. Thought i drop by to give some advice. Its really tough what you are going through. I am not sure what to say. I didn't cope so well on my last love life with my ex, who also broke my heart. I looked everywhere for solutions but could not find it. The only person who can help is myself. But what helped me was thinking of the negative things my ex did to me that none of my friends would ever do. But in time, been almost 2 years for me out of a 2 year relationshp that i am finally recovering in bits and pieces. I do find that there are other people i like but nothing serious has surfaced. *shrug* Hope you are doing well. =)

[MarinaAquamarina]

Oh, I'm feeling so bad today. I have an exam this afternoon, but I can't get my mind off of the whole thing. I had barely any sleep last night, either. Thanks for all the words of support though =)

[asnath]

i am sorry girl, i have been in the same thing with the man i really thought brought life back into my world he cheated with my friend and my ex coworker it was unthinkable, the fact that they cheated never really got to me but the fact that he had no respect for me, send me up the wall, the way i was treated when i asked whats going on the kind of response i got.............i dont wanna go there, i felt so humiliated and felt that in the process i lost my reputation, this killed me, the thought of it, but i had to sit down and ask myself wether its a relationship worth pursuing and so forth it was difficult but i had to take a decision because no one is responsible for my life but myself, i may not be responsible for what life threw at me at the time but i was responsible to turn my life around and be thankful for the situation cause it made me realise who i really am. i got to learn that in every life there is a storm something we cant run away from but our respond to the situation plays a vital role, girl every one experience winter in their lives but hey............just watch ...........SPRING will come, flowers will blossom and the sun will come out for you, i like you attitude " its gonna be ok one day' hang in there. Good luck

[MarinaAquamarina]

Thank you asnath.

 

I'm seeing him on Wednesday, to get some sutff of mine he has back. I want to talk to him about what's happened, get some answers, get things clear in my head. Is this a good idea or will it just upset me further do you think?

 

Oh, and for anyone who's interested, I think I did okay in my Law exam today...hope so anyway!

[BlueEyedSarah]

I don't think it would be a good idea to bring anything up, just collect your stuff and leave as soon as possible. Try not to break down in front of him, even though it will be hard not to.

[MarinaAquamarina]

I won't...he's not worth my tears, right?

[confused2007]

Hi MA,

 

I thought it was my time to pay the debt owed to the people on this forum that are helping me go through the same thing right now. It really brings a smile to my face knowing thousands of anonymous people all over the world take the time out of their daily busy lives to help others in need of a crying shoulder. Anyway, enough about that.

 

Your situation: It may SOUND like a good idea to talk to this jerk about whatever happened to "clear" your head, but it'll do the exact opposite. The more you dig, the more it'll hurt. I'm finding this out myself. There's a persian analogy (I'm not persian, but a buddy told it to me) for that situation, especially with infedility. Consider the cheating a "piece of **** - the more you kick it around, the more it'll stink." I know it's not the cleanest saying, but use it to help your mind close this guy out of your heart.

 

I'm still suffering a heartbreak due to cheating, but I KNOW I will love again. Just remember, this ******* cheated on you! There is no forgetting that, and should be no forgiving that. It's permenant and irreversible. Karma will haunt him! Move on. Your better than that. Consider this a positive experience that opened your eyes into seeing he's not right for you.

 

GROW from this experience and LEARN from it. Consider this an experience you'll utilize, to make yourself stronger, on your journey to finding the RIGHT one for you. Next relationship you'll be more cautious in who you pick, and ultimately finding a better match for yourself. Almost everyone goes through this at some point in their lives, especially the ones whom are happily married. Think about that.

 

I find it helping myself, by giving advice to other people going through the same thing. Hmmm......

[MarinaAquamarina]

Thanks, Confused I came on here to write a theory I had last night, but I feel silly doing after all the sense you've just made. But I'm going to do it anyway, just to see what people's opinions are...it doesn't mean I'm any less mad at him or anything, it just crossed my mind last night.

 

In my first post I mentioned that we were 'seeing' each other for six months before he admitted to everyone we were together. What I didn't mention is that halfway through, at about three months, I suddenly found out he had just started seeing someone else. I found out from a friend, and got the hint when all contact with him suddenly stopped. Their relationship lasted about a month, and then he suddenly got back in contact with me. I was hurt about what he'd done, and he explained the reason he'd done it. He said that he was getting really scared of the way he was feeling about me, and all the problems a potential relationship with me faced, which is fair considering the age gap and distance. He said he was trying to get me out of his head and push me away, because he was so scared, but eventually he couldn't deny what he felt and came back to me.

 

Now, is this thing with this Lucy girl a similar thing? I'm about to go off to university...is he just freaking out again because I'm moving away and he's afraid of getting hurt, in case I leave him or something? For months he's been voicing his concerns about me meeting new people there. Does this make any sense at all to anyone, or am I just grapsing at straws here?

 

Also, we've agreed to go out for dinner on Friday night. I don't know why he wants to? Or even if I should?

[Steveto]

I can tell you he's a moron, idiot, twit, etc etc, but you already know that..

 

You need to talk to friends about this to help you deal with the situation..it really helps and don't keep this bottled in because it will only make matters worse for you in the long run, however, these are only temporary solutions to deal with your emotions..you really need to solve the actual mental strain yourself..

 

This about it logically..that's how I do it and trust me...I've been burned a LOT..everything you can possibly imagine that could happen in a relationship has happened to me. Think of it this way...if this relationship were to go the distance..wouldn't you rather know now, that he's a cheater and a vengeful coward than later? He really is thinking with his other head and isn't smart enough to realize that you ARE the real deal. Even though he should be the mature one, he is obviously NOT ready for a real relationship due to his lack of self control. Raise your standards girl.

 

You are young and this could have a lasting effect, but turn that around make it a positive one..what have your learned from this? You now know a little more of what NOT to look for in a guy.

 

Whatever you do, don't put up that wall protecting you from others getting close..I did that...6 years of it..the first 2 years were the worst..I didn't want to look at another woman..I was steaming mad..like unbelievably livid...I finally worked it out and realized that I really did miss out on some really great people...

 

Have fun at university..you will have the time of your life...and note, that 90% of first year (frosh) end up single..for some reason it becomes the break point where life goes in an entirely different direction. At least this is my experience and I have been to 3 universities...

 

please..YOU CAN'T TRUST HIM! once a cheater always a cheater..stop ..it will only make matters worse in the future. If you must have a boyfriend, find someone new.

 

BTW..age gap has nothing to do with anything..my parents are 14 years apart..my sister was your age dating a 30 year old for 7 years!

 

no, just end it..don't go out with him...you think it will help you get over him..it won't..please. I have made this mistake before and boy did it make things worse. A LOT WORSE!

 

Ok..well, I will stop boring you

 

just my 2 cents,

Steve

[underpants]

Gosh, what a sordid tale.

 

This guy is ....not the guy for you. You are young, the world is your oyster. I would try to focus on your future and put alot of distance between you and him. You will meet alot of wonderful people at University and discover things about you as well. I am so sorry that you have to deal with heart break. It is however a part of life sometimes. It does make one wiser and more selective however so there is a some good that comes from the pain.

 

Now, time for a reality check. He has done this same thing to you now, 2 times. This is a pattern of manipulation for him. He gets to wank around and then has you to come back to when those affairs putter out. On top of it he finds a way to blame you for this. It's laughable. He is scared you will leave him so he sabotages any trust by engaging in affairs. Then when you discover the truth he tells you to f off. What a jerk. I guess he figures you are young and therefore more easily controlled by his sad manipulations. You, however are a smart cookie and should not put up with someone so careless with your heart. Who cares why or what he is thinking, the fact is that he is capable (more then once) of hurting you and that should make you very wary of dealing with him at all.

 

I know you feel bad about hooking up with his friend. Yea, that was a lapse of judgement, but you seem to be able to learn from your mistakes and realize that drunken revenge is not so sweet. That's all you should take from that encounter. Not worth beating yourself up over. Just don't let yourself go there again with such a mindset.

 

Do you have a friend that could pick up your stuff for you? Can you email him to drop it off to you instead, then just leave a note or explanation that you had to step out for a bit? No, I would have last minute other plans for Fri night, and only if he calls about it. I sure as heck would not indulge him in my company after what he has put you through. I don't think you are ready to face him. I think his actions and especially the verbal garbage thrown at you at a stressful time in your life warrant no further contact, or respect from you. Be done, move on and let that 2 time, 2 timer go.

 

How you rise to challenges defines your character. He sunk to cheating, when scared (or selfish) or whatever he wants to tell you. His actions have shown no real respect for you. You need to have it for yourself and seek it future relationships.

 

I know it's hard and you are hurting. Don't let him manipulate you for a third time. There are better people out there that handle the people they care about in a better fashion.

 

Good luck sweetie.

Regards

[MarinaAquamarina]

You lot really do have your heards screwed on, don't you? Thanks so much for bothering to read about my silly teenage heartache It means a lot.

 

I know you're all talking sense, and I really should do what you're saying and just not bother with him again. It is hard though, because even though I KNOW he's a jerk and I KNOW he's capable of doing it again and I KNOW I'm worth better...love really is blind isn't it? And therefore I am soooo tempted to go to dinner with him. But I know I really shouldn't, deep down. I know if my friend were in this position, I'd lock her in her room til she saw sense. But it's always harder when it's you, isn't it?

 

You do make a lot of valid points, true ones, and ones I maybe haven't wanted to face before...and it seems silly that all I want to do right now is actually defend the idiot!

 

I am trying to take steps forwards though. I've arranged to go and stay with a friend up country in a few weeks, and also might go travelling to New York soon. As soon as I've got these exams out of the way, I'm free (except for my job, but we can work around that!).

 

I'm just bloody terrified of going out on a Saturday night and bumping into him and her together...I won't be able to control myself from shooting them both (or at least throwing my drink on them anyway:p) if this happens. Oh dear.

[Aloros]

Feel free to throw your drink on them. They deserve it.

 

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Do you have a friend who can lock you in a room until you see sense? DON'T go to dinner with him. What could he possibly want from you anymore? I think at this point all he wants to do is to alleviate his own latent feelings of guilt, which is a relief he doesn't deserve. You'll just end up feeling worse, and he'll end up feeling better, which is all backwards.

 

There are men out there, who, if they get "scared", will work to make the relationship stronger, instead of running away. It's such a lame excuse.

 

*hugs* Trust me, a year or so down the line, you'll find someone great, who treats you like you're the best thing that ever happened to him, and you'll wonder what you ever saw in your ex.

 

Glad to hear you're taking steps to get through this. Take care.

[MarinaAquamarina]

Can't I even go to dinner if I make him pay and order the lobster?

 

I do have friends that would lock me away....but the problem is, that's probably the reason I haven't told them about dinner...

 

But you're all right! I won't go. I haven't heard back from him again anyway...

[MarinaAquamarina]

Right, I've organised myself and am off to London early Friday morning. As in, the Friday I'm meant to be meeting my ex for dinner. Should I let him know I'm not going to be there for dinner, or just stand him up?!

 

I've also arranged to go to New York for a while. Get away, have some fun, forget about him. Thanks God for aeroplanes! (or AIRplanes, for you lovely USA people ....)

[high_boost]

new york rocks! just watch out for the bums. there everywhere. we drive out there to party once a month because baltimore gets boring after a while. trust me you'll have fun!