he ended it.....

[pineapple2007]

I don’t know if you all have been following my story. But I got back with my boyfriend after leaving him because of his drinking problem. Then he ended up quitting when I got back with him… things were going good for about 1 and a half months. He was going through withdrawal and was cranky, moody, angry at the world, ETC. And I stool strong for him, listened to him, understood, was sensitive, denied my feelings for him…all to try to help him stay on the right path. 2 weeks ago we got into a little argument/disagreement in my office at work. He blew up and leaves my office saying “DO U WANT ME TO BRING YOU ALL YOUR STUFF??!?!” (stuff I have at his apartment) and I was just in shock.

 

Then I call him after 1 week of not speaking or ironing out the conflict and HE BREAKS UP WITH ME. He says "no its not because of the argument he was over that. Its because of how “messed up he is” And he cant handle a relationship right now because all that is happening in his life (HES QUITTING DRINKING/GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWAL). So why would he get rid of MEEE? I was the GOOD and positive thing in his life. I just don’t understand. During the last conversation over the phone, he said “I will call you when I am free so you can come pick up your stuff” I was like OK…Its been 2 weeks and he still hasn’t called..............

 

Then 4 days after the break up he comes into the fitness centre at my work (to work out). After staying in the gym for 3 hours, on his way out he comes and says Hi. We chatted about such general things...he was asking me questions about things on my work desk, my life, friends, etc. And the whole time he was giggling/smiling. He just seemed so happy. I even had to ask “haha, whats so funny!?” and NO MENTION ABOUT WHEN TO COME AND PICK UP MY STUFF…. What the hell is he thinking.?!?!?!?!?!

 

I don’t get it man. All his friends loved me too! They all loved the fact that I was with him because he needed someone positive like me to bring him up.

What the hell man. I just don’t UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!! What did I do wrong. All I did was try and help. And he leaves me feeling like a no body. I feel so ugly. He hasn’t told his friends yet.I know this because I am GOOD friends with 1 of his best friends…and that friend doesn’t know whats going on. I don’t have any urge to call him at all. (THANK GOD!) Im just patiently waiting for to call to pick up my stuff. What do you think hes thinking? I need some advice. Who knows though. Maybe he has another woman…. Maybe he feels he made a big mistake? What should I think??????????

[InsanityImpaired]

What the hell man. I just don’t UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!! What did I do wrong. All I did was try and help. And he leaves me feeling like a no body. I feel so ugly. He hasn’t told his friends yet.I know this because I am GOOD friends with 1 of his best friends…and that friend doesn’t know whats going on. I don’t have any urge to call him at all. (THANK GOD!) Im just patiently waiting for to call to pick up my stuff. What do you think hes thinking? I need some advice. Who knows though. Maybe he has another woman…. Maybe he feels he made a big mistake? What should I think???

Perhaps you did nothing wrong. Misery has its own laws. The laws that would apply if he had no drinking problem, and everything related to that don't apply here. Sadly . What you (or anyone sane) considers help, he will consider as being something else, as he has an addiction to overcome.

 

Perhaps he truly feels he does not have the energy to deal both with a relationship and overcoming his addiction. Or perhaps he prefers the misery over the relationship. As said, misery has its own laws.

 

You can't do much, except for wait. You can make a billion assumptions, but it does not change a thing. You will only wear yourself out by thinking them over and over again. Better not to worry about that, as hard as it is. Even if he feels he has made a mistake, that does not annull everything that happened, and the problems he ha(s/d).

[pineapple2007]

I know what u mean but what are these laws? Maybe if I knew them I would be able to move on. (?) Coz I still feel so ugly and like a nobody. or like i made him so mad or that maybe he even hates me..... i just feel like true ****.

 

What are these laws and rules ?

[InsanityImpaired]

It is hard to explain. But you are not dealing with a normal more or less rational person at the moment. But a person who has severe issues, including the addiction he is trying to overcome. These behaviors have causes (you are not going to become an alcoholic just for kicks).

 

These behaviors have consequences as well. For instance, if you are drunk when taking classes your performance will suffer. As a result you may drop out of college. And drink more as a consequence, instead of quit drinking, in order to get back in college and get a degree. Priorities change as well.

 

For him his behavior may be the way he deems best to cope with his issues. That does not mean however, that his behavior would be the most rational behavior, but that is from the point of view from a more or less healthy person. His behavior is irrational from the standpoint of a rational person.

 

You can be the most wonderful person on earth, and literally the best thing that happened to him. But there is one thing you cannot do. And that is, resolve his issues, as only he can do that himself. In your earlier threads you write that you fully well know that his behaviors are not okay, and put you at risk for STDs.

 

I doubt he is doing it just to hurt you deliberately or anyone else. From his behaviors I would assume he has some serious psychological issues. Issues for which you are not responsible.

 

You have seen his non-problematic, and probably lovely side as well in the course of the seven month relationship. You have grown attached to him, which is normal in a relationship. When your relationship ended, you knew he had issues, but you had a hard time detaching yourself from him. This is normal. It is natural to wonder whether you should given him another chance, or some extra time to address all the issues.

 

His behavior is not the result of your behavior. Once you broke it off with him, you needed to adjust. And perhaps you made a few poor judgments - but that happens in practically every breakup. There is no need to punish yourself for that.

 

It is hard to look in his mind and know what he thinks of you. You are dealing with a guy who has serious issues, such as his substance dependance and amnesia. And possibly promiscuous behavior as a result of substance abuse. He can hate what he is doing to you, but as long as he does not address his core issues, he will be unable to do something substantial about his behavior.

 

You only have his actions to go by, in the end. And those actions tell you that he is far from the partner you deserve to have. Why would he be mad? Because you don't allow him to be in a relationship with you, in which he is free to use dubious substances, and possibly cheat on you numerous times in his rumoured promiscuous moods? As I said earlier, it is hard to look in his mind. But do realize all of his judgments are influenced by the issues. Issues he is coping with through these substances.

 

The impression I get is that you truly care about him, and tried to help him. If you support any man, you deserve credit for that, and not be left wondering nasty stuff he is doing. To you, or to someone else. Not to mention what he is doing to himself. His issues run deep, and are not your responsibility to deal with; so deep to the extent that he was unable to overcome his issues sufficiently to have a solid and functional relationship with you. Sometimes love is not enough.

 

You are not a nobody. But it is understandable that you feel sh*tty. It is hard, but you must accept the situation, and not punish yourself for his behavior. You are not responsible for his behavior - he is.

[norajane]

1) he could have wanted you out of the picture because he wanted to start drinking again without your disapproval

 

2) you talked to him - why didn't YOU bring up getting your stuff

 

3) no one else should make you feel ugly just because they broke up with you - you could work on your own self-esteem so you don't end up feeling like this when a relationship ends for reasons that have nothing to do with your appearance

[pineapple2007]

 

You only have his actions to go by, in the end. And those actions tell you that he is far from the partner you deserve to have. Why would he be mad? Because you don't allow him to be in a relationship with you, in which he is free to use dubious substances, and possibly cheat on you numerous times in his rumoured promiscuous moods? As I said earlier, it is hard to look in his mind. But do realize all of his judgments are influenced by the issues. Issues he is coping with through these substances.

 

 

Thanks for the explaination InsanityImpaired. I needed that. what i have quoted from you is what his friend told me to. because i dont facilitate that life style... he doesnt "need" me. he has become screwed in his thinking...... but then like..

 

it makes me feel like I want to be like his ex's & be screwed up to...(even though they were all loose cannons with children/serious problems)! coz then maybe he'll still be with me. I know that sounds crazy. and I know its wrong to think...because I have an amazing life. and wouldnt ruin it for something so DUMB. but thats my thinking at times.... u know?

 

like i know im pretty etc. i get told often. but his opinion counted big time.and for some reason i think because he dumped me he thinks im ugly? i guess I have crazy thinking aswell.................

 

But his friends said it to, hes never been with someone like me. and because I am something positive he will push me away. I just HATE the way this has played out. this sounds bad but I hate that I have come in contact with someone like this.....because NOW I HAVE TO BE HEART BROKEN AND HURT.... what for man. for trying to be positive and help??????

Hes quit drinking for about 2 months now...I think this is the longest he has gone w/o drinking. and hes in the gym and I dont know what else.

I think hes on the fence about what he wants to do. stay clean live a healthy life. or throw it all in and continue with the unhealthy life style. only time will really tell.

 

I kind of want to call him and see how he is doing. Is this wise? or leave him alone, he'll come around.... ?

[InsanityImpaired]

Have to agree with Norajane there. Only contact him with regards to your stuff.

 

Each time you contact him you are likely to get depressed by the situation, or hope that things will magically turn around. But they won't.

[climbergirl]

It is hard to explain. But you are not dealing with a normal more or less rational person at the moment. But a person who has severe issues, including the addiction he is trying to overcome. These behaviors have causes (you are not going to become an alcoholic just for kicks).

 

These behaviors have consequences as well. For instance, if you are drunk when taking classes your performance will suffer. As a result you may drop out of college. And drink more as a consequence, instead of quit drinking, in order to get back in college and get a degree. Priorities change as well.

 

For him his behavior may be the way he deems best to cope with his issues. That does not mean however, that his behavior would be the most rational behavior, but that is from the point of view from a more or less healthy person. His behavior is irrational from the standpoint of a rational person.

 

You can be the most wonderful person on earth, and literally the best thing that happened to him. But there is one thing you cannot do. And that is, resolve his issues, as only he can do that himself. In your earlier threads you write that you fully well know that his behaviors are not okay, and put you at risk for STDs.

 

I doubt he is doing it just to hurt you deliberately or anyone else. From his behaviors I would assume he has some serious psychological issues. Issues for which you are not responsible.

 

You have seen his non-problematic, and probably lovely side as well in the course of the seven month relationship. You have grown attached to him, which is normal in a relationship. When your relationship ended, you knew he had issues, but you had a hard time detaching yourself from him. This is normal. It is natural to wonder whether you should given him another chance, or some extra time to address all the issues.

 

His behavior is not the result of your behavior. Once you broke it off with him, you needed to adjust. And perhaps you made a few poor judgments - but that happens in practically every breakup. There is no need to punish yourself for that.

 

It is hard to look in his mind and know what he thinks of you. You are dealing with a guy who has serious issues, such as his substance dependance and amnesia. And possibly promiscuous behavior as a result of substance abuse. He can hate what he is doing to you, but as long as he does not address his core issues, he will be unable to do something substantial about his behavior.

 

You only have his actions to go by, in the end. And those actions tell you that he is far from the partner you deserve to have. Why would he be mad? Because you don't allow him to be in a relationship with you, in which he is free to use dubious substances, and possibly cheat on you numerous times in his rumoured promiscuous moods? As I said earlier, it is hard to look in his mind. But do realize all of his judgments are influenced by the issues. Issues he is coping with through these substances.

 

The impression I get is that you truly care about him, and tried to help him. If you support any man, you deserve credit for that, and not be left wondering nasty stuff he is doing. To you, or to someone else. Not to mention what he is doing to himself. His issues run deep, and are not your responsibility to deal with; so deep to the extent that he was unable to overcome his issues sufficiently to have a solid and functional relationship with you. Sometimes love is not enough.

 

You are not a nobody. But it is understandable that you feel sh*tty. It is hard, but you must accept the situation, and not punish yourself for his behavior. You are not responsible for his behavior - he is.

 

Very insightful post, and beautifuly said.

 

Ultimately, you are only responsible for your actions-not someone elses. Your boyfriend needs to come to his own conclusions and revelations, and unfortunately, that isn't something you can help. Accept his decision as what he needs right now.

[pineapple2007]

All these posts have opened my eyes. It is a hard pill to swallow though. I am not going to contact him.

 

 

I am just going to let nature take its course. I dont want to put any more pressure on him. Because I know that if i was going through what he is i wouldnt want it either. So i am just going to leave it alone. and give him the space he needs right now.

 

But a part of me says: "if u dont call, it makes u look cold hearted. and seems like you dont give a *****"

is this true?

 

even a like 5 min call to say "how are u"

Even though I really dont want to coz I know it will get me depressed... I dont want to seem cold hearted.....(?!)

[funkybassplayer]

A five min call will make you feel crap, never mind if he thinks your cold hearted!

[pineapple2007]

But I feel cold hearted.... I care a lot about whats going on and want to express it! we spoke every day. we were best friends! and now it seems like i dont give a s**t. How about sending a simple card in the mail? Just one that says "thinking about you".......?.....

 

Its been almost 3 weeks. What is it saying now that I have given no contact? How do you think he feels? I am sure he would be happy to hear from me......... man this is to hard. I just want to let him know im thinking about him.

[climbergirl]

But I feel cold hearted.... I care a lot about whats going on and want to express it! we spoke every day. we were best friends! and now it seems like i dont give a s**t. How about sending a simple card in the mail? Just one that says "thinking about you".......?.....

 

Its been almost 3 weeks. What is it saying now that I have given no contact? How do you think he feels? I am sure he would be happy to hear from me......... man this is to hard. I just want to let him know im thinking about him.

 

Pineapple, turn this around for a minute. He broke up with you and he's not calling you. Don't your feelings matter, too? Why aren't you thinking that he's the one who is cold hearted? I know you care about him and want to look out for him, but is he doing the same for you? Please think about that before you call.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'm pretty sure he has a phone on his end and if he wanted to talk he would and should call you. The very fact that he isn't says something.

 

I hope you're ok. I just want you to look out for yourself right now.

[funkybassplayer]

While your sitting there worrying about his feelings, he may be out on the town etc, and not giving a toss! sorry but it may be, so you got to think about you. As they have said he split with you, and by you not calling him your showing self respect, which is high in anyones book, and most of all you. He can call if he wants to! but meanwhile your not being a doormat for him. Dont worry if he thinks your cold, (he proberbly does'nt and maybe is not even thinking about you) we all have to be hard with our self now and again in order to look after number 1.

[Topper]

If he isn't already he needs to start going to AA meetings. No Matter what you do you will never truly understand. Only other drunks in recovery will understand.

If you are good for him then let him know that you will be there for him you will only be there as long as he stays sober and goes to his AA meetings

I have had family members that were drunks and close friends getting sober is hard work. You just don't stop drinking it is also a change of your whole life. Your whole identity. His identity was I'm a drunk and an alcoholic. Now he has to figure out who he really is. It is scary stuff. he very well might be pushing you away because he does not want to bring you down in the gutter with him. He is afraid he will fall off the wagon and just be this loser drunk . There is a part of him that wants this. He has to fight that part everyday.

see if he will go into a treatment center. They can help him sort things out . Then he should start AA. As much as he would like to do this on his own he needs help and support. Being in love with someone with an addiction is never easy. Once he is truly in recovery you will meet one of the most loving honest and happy man you will ever want in your life. AA is a lot about being honest with yourself. they will call BS on you when they see you are in denial. His fellow members have been there done that. He can't BS them. His BS just won't fly. Be firm with him be strong for him. Tell him you love him. Tell him you will be there for him but only if he meets some conditions . have his good friends do the same. good luck

[pineapple2007]

I have just become so extreamly bothered. and ANGRY!!!!!!!!

IT HAS BEEN ONE MONTH AND A WEEK AND HE STILL HASNT CALLED ME TO ALLOW ME TO PICK UP MY STUFF!!!!!! BECAUSE THE LAST THING HE SAID TO ME WAS "ILL CALL U WHEN I AM FREE SO U CAN PICK UP UR STUFF"

AND I AM GOING ON Vacation in 1 week-going to be away for 7 days and like I can force myself to not need the items for my vacation. but still man. What the !!!!!!!!!! is he thinking???????????????? I AM SO000000000 MAAAAAAADDDDD. WHY SHOULD I WAIT HERE MAN. holy...I have all this bottled up and no one to tell it to. I am so Angry. I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why is he leaving me in limbo? he dumped me. Wouldnt he want to dispose of my STUFF AS QUICKLY AS POSSIABLE?????????????? It is really bothering ME! :mad::mad:

 

What I have at his house: A brand new leather jacket, silver head band, silver necklace, silver bracelet, a blouse, ...and some products in his washroom.

 

People, what am I supposed to do????????????????????????

Im sooooo angry I want to cry. why man. why the initial break up and now this? ....... i have been VERY good at not calling...he hasnt called me once either()... BUT MY STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Your thoughts on this one are really needed. Please and thank you.

What do you think he is doing? and why do u think he might be taking SO LONG?

[norajane]

Why in the world are you waiting for him to call you? Why can't you pick up the phone and tell him when YOU have time to go pick up your stuff?

 

And you dated him - don't you know him well enough to know when he's usually home? Just drive over there and get your stuff.

[funkybassplayer]

just let the items go. Is it worth the crap that your going through? i have a brand new tent at ex house.............sod it, Stick it, rather than use it for a poit to contact id sooner let it go ............for now anyway.,

[pineapple2007]

Well the leather jacket is brand new and it is my mothers. So I gots to get that back.

 

My question was not weather I was getting my stuff back it was: why might he be taking SO long to call to allow me to go get my stuff?

 

Ya I guess i could call and ask. and Ya I DID know his work schedule. But he gets called in to work on RANDOM DAYS SO right night NO I Dont know his schedule.

 

I guess I am just afraid to call. maybe deep down inside I am hoping he is taking long because maybe he is on the fence about our relationship. Maybe he feels he made a mistake(?). Maybe if i called it would push him to the other side of the fence.... I know!!! I know that sounds sad and pathetic..on my part.... But anyone in my shoes would feel how I feel and have that same hope that I got...no? God I feel like a loser:(.... why can't I just called. well actually yesterday I was so angry that I did.. but he didnt pick up (he has no caller ID so he can't find out it was me!) ....

 

InsanityImpaired any advice on this one?

[pineapple2007]

I guess no advice on this one ...huh ? ....................

[annabelle75]

I guess no advice on this one ...huh ? ....................

 

He's not calling you because he knows what he did to you was cruel and the thought of talking to you or seeing you again makes him feel bad. All his actions thus far have shown him to selfish ("its all about me attitude") which is common amongst those with serious addictions. He is acting no differently now.

 

What should you do? Suck it up after you get off of work tonight and go to his place and get your stuff. Who cares if its inconvenient for him to let you have your stuff back. I don't think you are going to be able to let go and move on until you do it. As long as he has it and you are waiting on him to call you, you are allowing yourself to keep the fantasy he will change his mind and come back to you. Time to give up the fantasy and reclaim your life and dignity. Get your stuff back and move on with your life.

[pineapple2007]

Well I am offically at SQUARE ONE.

 

Remember how I told u all I was going on vacation (Cancun, Mexico)? A vacation I worked all year to save and plan for? Well here is what happen (i'll keep it short).

 

MY EX AND HIS FRIEND ended up suprising me at the air port just before boarding. The whole week was a total desaster. The story was was that they booked their package when me and my ex were still together. and they had no way of cancelling (well they did but would loose $3500.00 CAD) So I was stuck, we were stuck. In my paradise.... enduring the thoughts of how we are not together, etc. it was my worst nightmare. all i could think of was why God did it to me. all my problems followed me like a marching band. RIGHT ONTO THE PLANE AND ONTO MY RESORT... TO 2 DOORS DOWN FROM MY HOTEL ROOM. THERE IT WAS. IN MY FACE.

 

It is all over with now(got back 2 days ago). but Now that i am back home...its back to life and back to reality. he still wants to be seperated.... and Still i cannot understand why he doesnt want me. I do but it hurts so bad. Why doesnt he want me to be there to help him through? (recap: he left me because dealing with the withdrawl was so overwelming for him that he couldnt deal with a relationship right now)....

 

why cant I understand this? I keep thinking its me.... even after the trip...(we were basically a couple while in mexico... ) but when we got back it was back to normal. I understood all this too. but I dont GET WHY he wants to be ALONE! and WITH OUT ME! I was positive .

why does he not want me??? and i am so angry because this vacation was going to be the kicker that helped me get over him and move on. BUT IT WAS ALL A BIG WASTE OF $ BECAUSE instead of moving forward,,. i moved 100 steps back. I am so upset....I tried so hard to get over him. I didnt call..i was truly moving on...I was doing so good..and now look.. i am back to square 1. i want scream i want to swear and shout..... why did this happen to me man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(

[sao2]

That totally sucks. Back to square one. Karma owes you big time now. Something great is going to come into your life soon.(I hope)

[pineapple2007]

Karma owes you big time now. Something great is going to come into your life soon.(I hope)

 

I hope so. Thanks for that positivity. I cant stop grinding my teeth. I want to shoot someone. or even myself. It isnt so much the vacation was ruined. its that WE ARE STILL SEPERATED. I didnt think that we would get back together. but Why someone please explain why I cant understand . I love him so much but I cant be with him. My birthday was on Tuesday and he called me and he was like "i have a gift for u" so i went over. and he had my stuff packed (the stuff i had at his place i was talking about earlier) and he said open it when u get home. So i did and it was a card with $600.00 in it. the card basically said "sorry about everything, use this money to go someplace nice...its a helping hand" It made me so sad. to know he cares...but doesnt want me around? or in his life? .... WHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Does this happen to other people? I know it might be hard to cope..but why doesnt he want my help?!?!?!?

 

I want to write him a letter...not begging to be with him. But to explain I want the best for him..........etc.

[pineapple2007]

is there anything out there that I can read that will help me understand or to cope:(....because this is becoming to overwelming....

[funkybassplayer]

I know what you mean, 6 weeks ago i was feeling pain beyond belife but today im calm and at peace. I think all you can do is go into strict no contact, write loads, and post loads, get rid from site all that reminds you, and above all, try not to figure out stuff that you just cant explain, that will keep you from moving forward. maybe use the 600 bucks for a spa weekend, and soon. You have to feel all the crap, let it come and wash over you, lie down whi,e the tide of emotions go over you, but they will die down, but only if you are in compleat no contact with him. I hope you heal soon, keep posting on here, it really helps.