He's DRIVING ME NUTS!!!! help

[Just A Girl2]

For those of you who are familiar with my situation, I've been dating a guy now for over a month. He's a great guy, treats me like gold..he's by far, the nicest most considerate and caring and sincere man I've ever met. I had posted in the past, about my problems with his clinginess and constant lovey-dovey-ness. We sort of worked that out, and each weekend we spend together, I feel so much closer to him......knowing that this is a guy I could seriously fall in love with one day.

 

Here is the new/yet/ongoing problem that's driving me around the bend.

 

Last Saturday night we drove out of town to spend the evening with my parents (the first time they met each other)...due to all the driving he'd have to do and the inclement weather, I told him he could just stay overnight..in my spare bedroom. He's ALWAYS the one driving out of town to where I live, that can't be cheap. Well of course that didn't turn out as expected because he insisted on sleeping WITH me in my bed. Nothing much happened sexually, but it was close. He was quite relentless in his pursuit to have sex, but I kept reminding him that I"m not on birth control so he needed to freaking well knock it off, I do NOT want to get pregnant !!!

 

Well since I allowed him to spend the night, now he figures that because we don't see each other through the work (our work hours, the distance between us), he should spend the entire freaking weekend with me.

 

This weekend is likely one of the busiest I've had in years. I have tons of work related stuff to complete by Sunday night, I have a final exam to write Monday morning and studying for same this weekend. Plus housework, laundry, etc.

 

He started out yesterday afternoon by informing me that he'd just drive to my place straight from his work. I quickly clued him in that that wasn't possible.....that I bloody well need to get home from work, sit down, relax, have some time to myself to unwind and get my weekend organized. He didn't sound too impressed but was understanding. Then he whined about wanting to stay overnight last night......I knew he'd pout when I told him NO, so I went so far as to telling him a lie as to why he couldn't.

 

Now of course he wants to spend the night tonight. I have been busting my ass all day, trying to do the million things I have to get done. I would prefer he NOT stay overnight tonight.....I need a GOOD night sleep, to get up early and keep getting my stuff done.......not warding off his sexual advances all damn night long, getting to sleep at 3am, then having him hanging around here tomorrow morning when I reallyjust need to get my stuff done.

 

I've TRIED to explain to him that after this weekend, my weekends won't be so hectic and that I'll have more time to spend with him and for him to PLEASE be understanding of this.....he says he does but you can tell he doesn't, and then I can hear the clinginess/neediness in his tone.

 

Just now, he called to tell me what he's doing and what time he'll be home (his house) and what time he'll call me and can he still stay overnight. I am exhausted mentally and don't have HALF of what I needed to accomplish today, accomplished. I care about him a lot but right now, my work and school stuff MUST be a priority and I resent the fact that all he cares about is spending time with me and not understanding that I need my space this weekend.

 

I told him that if we're just going to spend the night sitting around on the couch like 2 bumps on a log, watching TV, that I might as well be studying or doing my work stuff.........that I simply don't have time to "waste" doing nothing productive. I just don't think he gets it.

 

Why is it so difficult to just tell him, "Look, I need this entire weekend (hell, we DID spend last night together) to do my stuff......please don't make me feel guilty or that I'm ignoring you!"

 

I have really important things to get done this weekend, and he KNOWS what they are......things that will directly impact my career and future.......yet he's do goddang needy and more concerned that if he doesn't get to see me tonight and tomorrow, that he'll have to wait a whole week (til next weekend) to see me. Christ, I've told him I'm not GOING ANYWHERE.......I'm not blowing him off, I'm not giving him the slip........

 

I just don't feel like sitting around all night playing huggy kissy cuddly lovey dovey on the couch, watching TV, listening to him tell me how he's falling in love with me and how happy he is, when I know I have 2 million things I SHOULD be doing.

 

I don't think I've ever been with a guy who would give me such a hard time about needing a weekend to myself. Crap, it's not like I want the weekend to myself so I can go out partying or bar hopping.......it's legitimate stuff.

 

I don't want to hurt his feelings and become any more firm/gruff than I have been (which doesn't seem to be working).....but dammit, he's not a 13 yr old kid..he's a grown man.

 

Hell, when we just spoke on the phone, I told him I've been so busy today so far, that I haven't even had a chance to shower yet....what was his response? "Well I can help you with that when I get there, I can wash your back." F*ck! It always has to go back to the damn sexual innuendos and stuff.

 

What do you suggest?

 

HE, this weekend, is adding a whole sh*tload of extra work to my plate........if I had the weekend to myself, I could probably forego the housework and just focus on my work stuff..but because he's going to be here, I have to get it all done. (I'm not ever one to have company over if my house is messy). He's NOT helping my stressful situation.

 

Suggestions?

 

Thanks

[Bizzit]

Im sorry your smotherd and that seems to be what he is doing to you..

I dont know of away to tell him other then to be blunt about it and say look..

I love being around you but I have to have my on space and time alone and if we cant give one another that it is going to put a strain on our relationship. If he dont back off with that then I bet he dont back off at all.

I hope that you can make him understand because it is very clear you like this man but you are just smotherd with him to much.

 

I wish you the very best

[yes]

Just say that you have a lot of work, and once you have a break, you'll call him. As for staying overnight, you might need to study all night, so he's not welcome.

 

He probably doesn't realize how busy and stressed you are, ... but also, it sounds like you're not too into him, ... are you??

 

-yes

[midori]

This sounds to me like Mr. Manipulation. As you know JAG2, I've got a super-nice fellow on my hands at the moment too. And he'd probably like to spend more time with me than we currently do. But he knows I'm busy, and he doesn't try to pressure me. He'll make it known that he'd like to spend the night, but if -- as was the case last weekend -- I've got too much to do, he understands. Because he is actually nice, it's not just an act to get me to say yes to what he wants.

 

The bottom line of for your guy seems to be "I want ___ (sex, to eat up all your spare time, etc.)." He's flying under false colors, pretending to be attuned to you, very sensitive and generous ... but really his only agenda is to get what he wants. He's not listening to you.

 

I think you just need to be very blunt with him, and tell him how things are. You don't owe him anything but honesty. Playing along with his games is not going to do either of you any good. He might react with hurt and disappointment if you tell him flatly that you do not want him to come over because you've got too much to do, but that is his problem. It really is! Your situation is that you do not have a lot of spare time, and you cannot allow him to suck it all up. If he can't deal with that, the relationship isn't going to work.

 

By the way, I can't believe that a) he forced himself into your bedroom, and b) you allowed him to. This guy sounds very very selfish. Having someone to cuddle with when you want to is nice, but I think you've got a kudzu on your hands (you know, that Japanese vine that people in the South imported to have in their gardens, that has since overrun everything and is now seen as a terrible pest). Is the cuddling worth it?

 

Yikes. Keep us posted!

[Just A Girl2]

Thank you, Pit, Yes and Midori.

 

Actually Yes: I am into him, but maybe not 100% because I can sense his heavy reliance on me. It's a turn-off. It makes me think of him as weak and I don't like a weak man. He comes across like seeing me is the only thing that matters in his life, and while that might be flattering to some, it makes me squirm just a little bit. I think to myself, "if it's like this now, and we don't even live together, what would it EVER be like if we were married and under the same roof all the time?" If we were married, I fear I wouldn't have 5 minutes to myself, and I think I'd go bonkers.

 

I think part of the problem is his past relationship, his ex wife. She always put him down for working long hours, she didn't respect that he worked hard, if he wasn't home from work at 6pm, she'd figure she was justified to go out to the bar with her single girlfriends....and that she did. It sounds like she expected to be with him every free minute SHE HAD, and if the poor guy had to work longer than she thought he should, she'd seek revenge by going out drinking, to the bar. That kind of behavior, and her cheating, was what lead to the end of their marriage.

 

I think he's still got some insecurities here. I think deep down, he's afraid that if he doesn't spend all his free time with me, that I'll grow tired of being alone and that I'll find someone else, or get tired of him, or whatever.

 

He's a very big hearted guy and I have no doubt that his ex wife and her behavior really hurt him deeply. I think he still has some 'scars' from then (they've been divorced for 2 yrs). He's really not one to bash her, but from the things he's said, it sounds like she just ended up using him for his money, during their marriage, and treating him very disrespectfully and putting a lot of pressure on him.

 

I'm trying to be understanding as to where he's coming from and why he is what he is.

 

I'm the other extreme, at this point in my life. I've lived alone for so many years, haven't really had to have anyone to answer to/consider, so I'm used to just doing what I want, when I want. I'm very used to spending weekends alone, doing my own thing.....doing housework at 2am if I feel like it, sleeping in if I want to, hanging out in my jammies til noon on a Sunday if I want to. I'm not used to this "rush rush rush" around because someone's coming over and I have to make sure the house is perfect (tidy).

 

I have found myself being rather firm with him, perhaps even to the point of being semi-rude/gruff. For instance, last Sunday he wanted me to go over to his sister's (where he lives now til he moves into his new house in April) for dinner. We'd spent Friday night together, Saturday night and all day Sunday, and I just flat out told him that I had work stuff to do that evening and NO I could not. I really had to be firm, and he did accept that (though I'm not sure if he understood it?).

 

I am the kind of person who on Sunday night, I like to spend some of the evening getting ready for the week ahead....for work the next day. I don't want to be rushing around at midnight (I have to be up at 6:30am), getting my work clothes ready, trying to make my lunch, etc. I need to mentally prepare and be organized.....get to bed early and not feel rushed. I've always been this way. He's going to have to get used to that because I won't change in this regard.

 

Last night he called at 6pm, then again at 7:15pm. I was just so bugged by his lack of understanding at my busy-ness, I didn't answer the phone. Instead, I wrote him an email....explaining to him that he's making me feel guilted and cornered and that if he wants to be in a relationship with me, he needs to respect and understand my needs, too. That when I explain to him that I have lots to do, that I'm feeling overwhelmed, he needs to care enough to NOT further contribute to the chaos....and that if the situation was reversed, I'd never want to bother him if he needed the weekend to get "his stuff" done. Never.

 

We ended up talking on the phone later last night...I have no idea if he read his email or not. He didn't make a big deal about not coming over. We had a good conversation (as usual) about all kinds of things. He said he'd call me this morning.

 

He's a good guy, though.......in the past when I was feeling he was too damn clingy and smothering, and I told him (or wrote him about it, just cuz writing sometimes is easier for me), he really took it to heart and was apologetic and said he'd make some changes....and for the most part, he really did.

 

He treats me like gold...sometimes I'm still in shock. It's just the little things he does, that show me he's sincere........like if we're at the mall shopping, he won't let me carry the bags, he'll carry them...things like that. he's a real gentleman. He treats me like a lady. It is so nice.

 

He's already alluded to the fact that he's starting to fall in love with me. I'm the first person in many years that he's felt this way with, and he and I have even more in common than he did with his ex wife. I think he's just so gung-ho because his feelings are just so intense. I am flattered and I couldn't ask for a better guy, but I guess we still just need to learn more about each other.....read: he needs to learn more about ME.

 

I think, and not to sound conceited or cocky, that his feelings for me are just so strong and intense, that they overtake his behavior maybe......if that makes any sense. I'm more of a cautious, cool, collected person who's been hurt a lot before so I follow my brain more than my heart, as a sort of self-protection kind of thing. :-)

[Angel7]

He doesn't need to learn anything more about you. He is in love with you already. But you are not, and you need to really honestly ask yourself - can you ever love this man the same way he loves you? His behaviour is perfectly normal for someone who is in love, and being firm with him means hurting him. If you see his love as insecurity, clinginess, neediness, I think you really don't understand and don't need his feelings and himself. And it's ok to have your independent habits, but if you don't want to spend your life alone, you also must learn to compromise.

[HokeyReligions]

I think Angel7 has a point. I mean, how much time did you put into writing and responding to this post?

 

I congratulate you on keeping your head straight and managing your school & work, but it does make me wonder --- people in love tend to want to spend every waking moment together, and put the person they love above all else in their life -- at least for a while in the beginning of the relationship.

 

Sometimes people who are so set in their ways don't want to make any changes in their routines/lifestyle and just want a lover to fit in. That's kinda hard to find - a relationship where one person makes all the consessions/compromises and the other one controls or makes consessions and then complains about them, well -- it doesn't sound too healthy.

 

I'm trying to be understanding as to where he's coming from and why he is what he is.

 

I'm the other extreme, at this point in my life. I've lived alone for so many years, haven't really had to have anyone to answer to/consider, so I'm used to just doing what I want, when I want. I'm very used to spending weekends alone, doing my own thing.....doing housework at 2am if I feel like it, sleeping in if I want to, hanging out in my jammies til noon on a Sunday if I want to. I'm not used to this "rush rush rush" around because someone's coming over and I have to make sure the house is perfect (tidy).

I think you can see it yourself, but do you want to make any changes? Heck, let him see a dirty house, if he wants to go out on Satuday tell him you need help to clean up the house first - you'll get done sooner, be doing something together, and can then spend quality time together knowing that the place will be clean when you come back to it.

 

As for the Sunday Night ritual - I'm the same way. I don't leave the house on Sunday, I do laundry and fix lunch and get myself prepared for the week ahead. I want to stay relaxed on that day. He needs to understand that and respect it, but you gotta throw him a bone now and then too and be flexible.

[Bizzit]

When you have been alone for so long it is hard to change your ways to making it so others live in your world( the home that surrounds your everyday life)

You yourself need your time and space because you need it and your use to having it.

I felt smothered before with my man as well,

he would go to work and come right home and did not't want to do anything but give me his full attention only.

It makes it hard on your relationship when they evade your space, when its so much needed to keep your sanity.

I hope it all works out for you, Best wishes:)