How should I apologize to my husband?

[Lilyofthevalley]

Hi all,

I need some advice on how to apologize to my husband for some, mmm less than lovely behavior.

Let me give you some background so you get a better idea of the situation--

My husband and I have been married for less than a year but dated for several years. While dating, we hit a very rough spot, due to each of us taking each other for granted/being selfish and neglectful etc etc (all that great stuff! ugh)...he cheated on me, we broke up. We worked on things between us, got back together, became engaged, and married. Once back together our relationship felt so different than it had been, and we had worked through a lot of our problems. I am really proud of that accomplishment, because it was NOT easy work!

Though much has improved, I still struggle with anxiety over the possibility of him cheating. Much of this is a result of me having a terrible, negative imagination, something we have talked about together and something I am trying to control.

Anyway, here we get to the current issue -- an added challenge is my husband is in the military and recently deployed. Before he left, as I struggled with the emotions of his impending departure (detachment, resentment, fear, etc, any other military spouses know what I'm talking about?!) I became nervous and accusatory about his friendship with a female colleague. This was unfair of me. I can't keep doubting him as that does nothing to propel us forward, and yes he made a mistake (we both have!) but I can't just lock him into that mistake forever.

It sounds unreasonable but it is only now, like this week, that I am figuring out that his friendships with other people do not detract from our relationship with each other (as an aside, this is something that I have struggled with all my life, even in platonic friendships -- I feel like I need to be the ONLY, BEST, etc etc person to someone....why???). I became so jealous and possessive and I can't even fathom how uncomfortable that must make him. I am sure that my anxiety make him feel like he can't tell me innocent things about friends, because he worries that I will overreact and let my imagination run away.

I am so embarrassed for the way I behaved, and I am working on changing this attitude and behavior. It is a trait of mine that existed before we even met, so it can;t all be blamed on our rought spot.

I need to get this off my chest and apologize to him. My irrational behavior is holding us back. At the moment we can really only communicate by email, and he doesn't have much time to read it. I need to apologize clearly and avoid causing any misunderstanding or confusion (which is easy to do in email).

Any advice? Guys, what would you want/need to hear if you were in his shoes?

Thank you so much, and sorry for this novella I have written here!

Lily

[quankanne]

tell him that you've been thinking about your behavior, and how you realize how it hurts a relationship you love being part of … let him know that above all else, you have faith in your love for him, even when ugly little insecurities rear their head and make it seem otherwise … that you're sorry that you've caused such pain by your behavior.

 

then ask him to forgive you.

 

psychologically, asking for that forgiveness creates an atmosphere of mercifulness, which no relationship can be without, if it is to grow.

[whichwayisup]

If he is going to cheat, he's going to cheat and you have no control over that...As hard as this is for you, that is IF HE has shown you he is trustworthy, appologized for cheating on you, not only in words but in actions so you feel loved, desired and needed, then maybe this issue needs to be put to rest, some counselling could help you with the insecurities and anxiety you're feeling.

 

Has he done anything that makes you suspicious? Weird behaviour? Secret email accounts?

 

This IS hard on you because he's cheated on you before - Him not being around ofcourse is going to make you wonder what he is doing when you're not around...And having a female collegue he's close to isnt' helping either.

 

I don't think you should shoulder all the blame, HIS cheating made you feel insecure and you lost trust in him.......I hope he understands this.

[Lilyofthevalley]

I agree that I should not shoulder all the blame. Yes he is the one who cheated. But you need to understand that both of us are at fault for letting our relationship become vulnerable to that. I could crawl under a rock when I think of some the stupid, immature, careless things I did.

 

I would say no, he has not done anything suspicious. I do know he is reluctant to tell me things about female friends. On my bad days this makes me crazy, but on my rational days I understand that he knows I would flip out and let my imagination run away over innocent things.

 

I want to show him, and get to the point, where I can handle hearing these things so he is comfortable sharing them with me. I am upset that my anxiety has prevented us from being completely open with each other.

[dbtmarley]

I agree that I should not shoulder all the blame. Yes he is the one who cheated. But you need to understand that both of us are at fault for letting our relationship become vulnerable to that. I could crawl under a rock when I think of some the stupid, immature, careless things I did.

 

Wow... What did you do that was so terrible? I forgot to change the oil in the wife's car one time. Does this mean she is going to cheat on me? There is one person to blame for him cheating on you, that is him. If he has you taking responsibility for his actions then I would be cautious.

 

 

I would say no, he has not done anything suspicious.

 

I sense doubt:(

 

 

I do know he is reluctant to tell me things about female friends.

 

Oh, do tell... and with no reluctance should be his mantra!!! Why does HE have female friends? When I think of friends I think of hanging out, poker, fishing, hobbies, etc., etc... Why aren't you his friend? Why does he have his own female friends? Why does he have these friendships knowing full well that he cheated on you and how such friendships would make you feel?

 

Is this a part of your recovery from him cheating? I THINK NOT!

 

 

On my bad days this makes me crazy, but on my rational days I understand that he knows I would flip out and let my imagination run away over innocent things.

 

This concerns me, you are taking quite a bit of responsibility for his cheating.

 

I want to show him, and get to the point, where I can handle hearing these things so he is comfortable sharing them with me. I am upset that my anxiety has prevented us from being completely open with each other.

 

No.. Understand this, his cheating has made it uncomfortable. This is a fact, Jack... trying to keep it military sorry. Your upset at your anxiety and what it has caused?

 

It sounds to me like you are trying to get past a very difficult point in your relationship. I think the whole thing was probably so painful for you that you have accepted blame for something he did. I mean, it is easier to fix a problem identified with ourselves, right?

 

What exactly is the deal with the female friends and his reluctance part? If I was you those would have been squashed!! When my wife and I started dating I had a few female friends that called me on a regular basis. These were either women with whom I've had sex with or had intentions to seek some sort of romance with. Once our dating was classified (keeping it military) exclusive I broke those contacts off without being asked to. I did not want her to wonder needlessly over anyone that really is not important in the grand scheme of our relationship.

 

Is there something you are not sharing here?

 

 

T

[Lilyofthevalley]

He has female friends because of work. It is unavoidable in that sense. Groups work closely together and that makes up the social atmosphere as well. I certainly AM his female friend, but with me in graduate school and him across the ocean, through the woods, and over the mountains, we have had to make our own friends.

I flipped out over female friends long before he cheated on me. I was suspicious for no reason. This is a trait of mine which was present in platonic relationships, too, all through my life -- I have been jealous and possessive. Not my best feature.

Dbtmarley, you are right that maybe I am trying to take some of the blame in order to move forward. I guess my question is, how do I find the balance here? How do I apologize for my part in this without shouldering all of it, and how I can break my habit of being so jealous? I can think of examples of me acting like this with little playmates when I was five. It is ridiculous.

[bish]

tell him that you've been thinking about your behavior, and how you realize how it hurts a relationship you love being part of … let him know that above all else, you have faith in your love for him, even when ugly little insecurities rear their head and make it seem otherwise … that you're sorry that you've caused such pain by your behavior.

 

then ask him to forgive you.

 

psychologically, asking for that forgiveness creates an atmosphere of mercifulness, which no relationship can be without, if it is to grow.

 

And he should have absolutely no problem with forgiving her if she shows she her apology is heartfelt.

 

Afterall, she forgave him for his cheating, which some people see as unforgivable. So he should forgive her and also understand WHY she felt the way she did about a female coworker, because he did cheat on her before.

[bish]

He has female friends because of work. It is unavoidable in that sense. Groups work closely together and that makes up the social atmosphere as well.

 

 

Well that all depends on the nature of this "friendship".

 

I have female friends, acquaintences, coworkers. But I don't hang out with women like I hang out with male friends.

 

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine, but you don't go out drinking with them or to movies, etc. And if someone thinks there isn't anything wrong with that, then be prepared for a rocky marriage.

[milvushina]

Look, I have the same tendencies as you when it comes to over-reactive imagination, or over-reacting in general. I think you should take the focus and energy you're using to come up with an eloquent apology, and use it to change your actions. Instead of snapping, being snarky, or whatever it is you do when he tells you "innocent things about friends", just learn to bite back the mean comments, count silently to ten, RELAX. Remind yourself that you know you're over-reacting and over time it will come naturally to be more laid back ...If I could get there then you can...

 

But then he did cheat on you at one time, so I don't know if you're maybe justified a little..but you said you were like that before, and that is no pleasant way to live. If you really want to apologize, just say what you said here: "I have realized that I'm too hard on you, I sometimes blow things out of proportion, and I don't like that about myself. I love you and I want to be a fun person to be around, so from now on I'm going to do my best to not take every little thing personally or as a threat."

[Lilyofthevalley]

Thank you milvushina! It is encouraging to hear that you were able to get over this issue yourself. The apology is just one step in what will be a conscious and hopefully successful process of re-training myself! I appreciate your advice and it really resonates with me. Now, on to pushing those overreacting, negative thoughts out out out of my head!