Dating for 8 years...and still no ring!

[angie16]

i am in a similar situation. its only been 2 years and we have lived together (very well) for half of that time. my bf very early on stated that he wanted to marry me and even took me ring shopping! he left me letters and emails constantly about how excited he was that he had found his "love of his life and perfect partner".

now he has completely back tracked and won't even say that he can propose in the next 2 or 3 years.

it is the most hurtfull thing and extremely painfull.

[Hazy]

i am in a similar situation. its only been 2 years and we have lived together (very well) for half of that time. my bf very early on stated that he wanted to marry me and even took me ring shopping! he left me letters and emails constantly about how excited he was that he had found his "love of his life and perfect partner".

now he has completely back tracked and won't even say that he can propose in the next 2 or 3 years.

it is the most hurtfull thing and extremely painfull.

That, to me, is unacceptable. I'd break up with him.

[sb129]

i am in a similar situation. its only been 2 years and we have lived together (very well) for half of that time. my bf very early on stated that he wanted to marry me and even took me ring shopping! he left me letters and emails constantly about how excited he was that he had found his "love of his life and perfect partner".

now he has completely back tracked and won't even say that he can propose in the next 2 or 3 years.

it is the most hurtfull thing and extremely painfull.

 

I can't believe this! How awful for you angie. I would be devastated. Do you have any idea why he has backtracked?

i am kinda with hazy on this one, such a turnaround in his behaviour would seriously made me re-evaluate how i felt about the guy. How can he not see how much this would hurt you?

[angie16]

its kinda a threefold thing, i posted about it in another section. basically, his dad died on valentines day, but he was backtracking before that happened. but now he is putting it all on the fact that he still is going through huge grief and can't plan "something happy" right now.

 

i asked him point blank if i was still the person he wanted to marry, and he says yes over and over, but honestly i don't know. :-(

 

this sucks.

its just 2 years this month but still its kinda nagging, like it could be like this for the next several years and nothing would change.

 

not ready to leave yet, but if there's no progress in the next 6-9 months, i may have to sadly say my goodbyes.

 

my biggest fear is that i leave and he was actually plannning something! Like could you imagine if I do my whole i have to go, its been too long speech, and he's been ring shopping (again, i know, iknow, wishfull thinknig)

[sb129]

Two years isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things, and a bereavement can make people re-evaluate their lives. i think in light of his dads death, maybe you should cut him some slack, and see where you guys are at in 6 months. If he had just backtracked out of the blue then i would be worried, but the recent death of a parent is surely a good enough reason to give him some space for now?

[VIP]

Wrong post

[Missa2126]

Honestly, I do see where you are coming from here but I firmly believe you should live together for at least a year before you decide to get engaged. A lot of things change when you move in together and while you might think you know everything about your significant other now, there could be some things that you may discover or come about that you just can't live with. Living together is a whole new world. Seriously. I would definitely recommend living together first.

[anewme]

all things aside, sounds like this guy is NOT ready for marriage for whatever reason. This "test drive" theory is a bunch of ****. I have lived with two men, one of which I married and subsequently divorced and am now living with another one. The first time around I moved in because of convenience, because of money, because he led me to believe that it would lead to marriage. It did, but it ended badly. This time, I asked him to move in because I don't want to spend a day without him. I would advise against "testing" something out. I did it to begin with, got the ring, had the damn wedding and it still didn't work. Go figure. Besides, as far as I'm concerned, men should be BEGGING us to marry THEM.

[amymarieca]

Okay so I know this thread is a little old, but I thought I'd give everyone an update on my situation. The story is that I moved in with my boyfriend anyway over the summer. I ended up breaking up with him in December. Things just weren't moving the way I wanted them to and I got sick and tired of waiting for a ring. I decided to find a man that will give me what I want!

[Lauriebell82]

Okay so I know this thread is a little old, but I thought I'd give everyone an update on my situation. The story is that I moved in with my boyfriend anyway over the summer. I ended up breaking up with him in December. Things just weren't moving the way I wanted them to and I got sick and tired of waiting for a ring. I decided to find a man that will give me what I want!

 

Good attitude! Never settle for less than you deserve.

[PerfectXPretty]

i'm glad that you were able to move on with your life to find someone who will be more sure of theirself & treat you the way you deserve to be treated!!

[ladylynn]

Just to jump in, because i identify so much with many of you -the real question you have to ask is: Do you REALLY, truly want marriage, and why? Once you can answer that for yourself, you will know what to do.

 

I left a man about a year ago who I had been with for six years. We were completely in love, never had taken a break, no cheating, nothing. We shared something very incredible, so of course I was so sure he was the man I would spend my life with, marry, and have kids with. I mean, it's hard enough to meet someone you love and are also friends with, the sex stays great, you laugh, have fun, respect each other. So of course I wanted to marry him. I loved him. Then came the excuses. He wasn't making enough money. He changed jobs. I changed jobs. He wanted a house. blahblahblah. I accepted the excuses for TWO YEARS until finally they started sounding so ridiculous I just had it. I left. It was incredibly painful and difficult, but something just snapped. I knew it was the right choice, but man it hurt. But I held on so long because I kept asking myself: do I really need marriage? why does it matter. And I was scared. I looked very deeply at those issues, and came to the conclusion that for me personally, a relationship will always feel like soemthing is missing if after time, when you love each other, someone can't take that (HUGE) step. I wish it didn't matter to me, because I have no doubt we could have stayed together for years, had kids, and HE would have been happy. But I wasn't. If you are in a long relationship and if he doesn't honestly say marriage is something he DOES NOT want (ie, he's leading you on) I think walking away, painful as it is, and scary (I was 32 when I left) in the long run, you will be better off for it. Life is friggin short. Now I look back and it makes me sad to think of myself as a woman who let a man spew out so many excuses, and I just accepted them, and waited, and hoped. But love is blind -but not forever!

[Mary3]

Just to jump in, because i identify so much with many of you -the real question you have to ask is: Do you REALLY, truly want marriage, and why? Once you can answer that for yourself, you will know what to do.

 

I left a man about a year ago who I had been with for six years. We were completely in love, never had taken a break, no cheating, nothing. We shared something very incredible, so of course I was so sure he was the man I would spend my life with, marry, and have kids with. I mean, it's hard enough to meet someone you love and are also friends with, the sex stays great, you laugh, have fun, respect each other. So of course I wanted to marry him. I loved him. Then came the excuses. He wasn't making enough money. He changed jobs. I changed jobs. He wanted a house. blahblahblah. I accepted the excuses for TWO YEARS until finally they started sounding so ridiculous I just had it. I left. It was incredibly painful and difficult, but something just snapped. I knew it was the right choice, but man it hurt. But I held on so long because I kept asking myself: do I really need marriage? why does it matter. And I was scared. I looked very deeply at those issues, and came to the conclusion that for me personally, a relationship will always feel like soemthing is missing if after time, when you love each other, someone can't take that (HUGE) step. I wish it didn't matter to me, because I have no doubt we could have stayed together for years, had kids, and HE would have been happy. But I wasn't. If you are in a long relationship and if he doesn't honestly say marriage is something he DOES NOT want (ie, he's leading you on) I think walking away, painful as it is, and scary (I was 32 when I left) in the long run, you will be better off for it. Life is friggin short. Now I look back and it makes me sad to think of myself as a woman who let a man spew out so many excuses, and I just accepted them, and waited, and hoped. But love is blind -but not forever!

 

I know you had so very much with this man. I would have taken that for a lifetime to have someone like that , marraige or not.

 

I know you wanted marraige and if nothing else would have done it , then you did the right thing.

 

But maybe he never really wanted the legality of marraige . Maybe only you did . He stayed and you stayed . Then you ended it.

 

With so many men that have all the combination of what you have ( had ) , it is hard to find someone with all those qualities . I know you did the right thing for you.

 

I am not sure I would have walked away from someone so wonderful.....I think he did not want marraige and could not be prodded or talked into it.

 

I wish you the best in your future.

[Florida]

I know you had so very much with this man. I would have taken that for a lifetime to have someone like that , marraige or not.

 

I know you wanted marraige and if nothing else would have done it , then you did the right thing.

 

But maybe he never really wanted the legality of marraige . Maybe only you did . He stayed and you stayed . Then you ended it.

 

With so many men that have all the combination of what you have ( had ) , it is hard to find someone with all those qualities . I know you did the right thing for you.

 

I am not sure I would have walked away from someone so wonderful.....I think he did not want marraige and could not be prodded or talked into it.

 

I wish you the best in your future.

 

It's tricky.... at some point you start feeling like something is wrong if it doesn't move forward to marriage. It begs the question-why does he not want to take the next step if he loves so much (he in the general sense, not specific).

 

I've read a lot of people have a 1 or 2 year limit on LS that if he hasn't proposed-walk. Yet most married couples I know of were together 2 1/2 years- 5 years even, before the engagement. Another at 9 years. Imagine if the women had all left the men at the 2 year mark, that would be quite a few less happily married couples. Side note: the ones I know with lower dating time in my scale above are getting divorced.

 

I am starting to think about this too, you don't want to leave , and wonder if you were a year too hasty. But you don't want to waste your time and emotions on a man who can't take the step to publicly commit to you within a reasonable time frame.

 

But.....this reasonable time frame differs for everyone.

 

For me, if I have invested 3 years going on 4, and if everything is going nicely, I should want to marry him, if I don't then it is time to leave. Same for him. There isn't really any reasonable reason that a guy/gal shouldn't know at that point.

Edited February 6, 2008 by Florida

[Mary3]

Florida : Did you know that many men when given their 1 or 2 year mark: that they will * bolt * anyway ?

 

Meaning if a man never intends to marry or sees it many years in the future then you will not likely get him there except for maybe pregnancy ...

 

I totally understand where you are coming from ...that as a sign of love he would want to commit with marraige. But did you know alot of men in their minds want to keep free incase they find a better woman to play with or othewise known as a player ?

[Florida]

Florida : Did you know that many men when given their 1 or 2 year mark: that they will * bolt * anyway ?

 

Meaning if a man never intends to marry or sees it many years in the future then you will not likely get him there except for maybe pregnancy ...

 

I totally understand where you are coming from ...that as a sign of love he would want to commit with marraige. But did you know alot of men in their minds want to keep free incase they find a better woman to play with or othewise known as a player ?

 

Mary3, I'm confused, can you clarify? It seems like you are saying that they don't stay longer than 2 years anyways, unless they intend on marrying the woman, but if they do stay longer then they are looking for something better? I'm probably misunderstanding it.

 

And I am also confused about the opinions that if marriage hasn't been brought up by the guy by year 2.5 he won't.

 

How does that relate to the vast majority of couples I know who were married between 2 years to 8 years of dating? Should the woman have been insulted and left when he proposed at year 5, for example?

 

In the case of the OP, backtracking= relationship over. Glad she took the move to break it.

[Mary3]

Mary3, I'm confused, can you clarify? It seems like you are saying that they don't stay longer than 2 years anyways, unless they intend on marrying the woman, but if they do stay longer then they are looking for something better? I'm probably misunderstanding it.

 

And I am also confused about the opinions that if marriage hasn't been brought up by the guy by year 2.5 he won't.

 

How does that relate to the vast majority of couples I know who were married between 2 years to 8 years of dating? Should the woman have been insulted and left when he proposed at year 5, for example?

 

In the case of the OP, backtracking= relationship over. Glad she took the move to break it.

 

What I mean by that is : A woman has a set * clock * or time that she will wait for marraige. Say one or two years . A man may not have that clock at all. He may be just fine with things just as they are , whether that be because he had a previous marraige that did not work , or whether he sees marraige as a very strong committment. My friend has been with her bf 3 years , neither are in a hurry to marry. They are happy and ( I should mention he was married before - 2 kids )

 

I know a girl at work who pushed for marraige because she felt she had been with the guy long enough ( one year ) she gave a sort of ultimatum and well you know the rest of that story. He ended the relationship.

 

You can't force a man to a deadline. He must want to be married. He either does or he doesn't. You would likely find that ( hopefully ) within the first 6 months of dating whether he wanted marraige. Then you have those men who feel they must promise a proposal. Its the * right * thing to do. But it seems men don't have marraige on the brain as much as women.

 

Everyone has a set engagement period. Some one or 2 years. Its seems your friends felt at about 2 - 5 years it was time. For some men its never time .

 

If a man does not ask you ( I believe ) in 6 months to a year . He is not going to ask. Its not on his mind. I know you have friends that had an engagement 2 to 5 years but who's idea was it ?

 

My bf asked me to marry him and I made him wait 3 years. We still ended up getting divorced. ( bad choice by me I guess )

[Florida]

If a man does not ask you ( I believe ) in 6 months to a year . He is not going to ask. Its not on his mind. I know you have friends that had an engagement 2 to 5 years but who's idea was it ?

 

My bf asked me to marry him and I made him wait 3 years. We still ended up getting divorced. ( bad choice by me I guess )

 

That's so true about the differences.

Here is my breakdown:

 

In under 2 year category: guy asked for engagement 6 months to a year and a half. No prompting from woman.

 

In the 2-5 year categories: The women prompted by various means. Not ultimatums, but that it was important to them, and they wouldn't stick around forever if he wasn't into it also. Technically he still asked her to marry him, in all cases. I would still consider this as the guy proposing regardless of that the woman brought it up. Is that not good? I'm just curious if that means it is less than because the guy didn't do it all on his own with no prompting/talks.

 

Over 5 years: No prompting from the woman, at all. Just one case, more likely the exception.

Edited February 8, 2008 by Florida

[NotMyselfNEmore]

Leaving him because he doesn't give her a ring DOES NOT MEAN she's giving him an ultimatum! I agree with the person that said Ultimatums only promote fear. Yes they do! If she decides to leave him after a certain amount of time because he is still not "ready" to marry her, she's doing it because she's finally moving on with her life and finding someone who does share the SAME GOALS as she does.

 

When one person gives another person an ultimatum, they sit around, waiting for a response. She's not going to wait for a reponse. Instead, she will leave so that she doesn't waste her time with this guy anymore.

 

I do agree with most everyone... you pretty much broke your own rule of "not moving in unless marriage is the result" As long as you continue to allow him to "change you", he will continue to push the issue away more and more.

 

I dont wish you luck because luck has nothing to do with it. Instead, I wish you strength.

[Mary3]

Did you notice that for many women the wedding is a HUGE deal. The dress , the flowers , the cake , the bridesmaids, sooooo many things to do. You notice how beautiful and eloborate the brides dress ?

 

For the groom , well he usually lets the bride do most of the planning / she is gazing over bridal books while his responsibities are fewer , ordering the tux, maybe paying for the honeymoon.

 

I've been there too. Wanted the big formal fancy wedding. I got it . Problem is I picked the wrong groom , lol...

 

Now if it were happen again I would marry smaller with a few friends , maybe by the beach. But it would have to be an emotionally stable man who was generous to the core and great in bed