Dating for 8 years...and still no ring!

[amymarieca]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. I am 26 and he is almost 28. In the last year or so, we've been talking about marriage and rings. We've even gone to stores where I picked out rings I liked. He seemed to be fine with this whole situation, but he never actually got me the ring. He was always making excuses as to why he hasn't gotten it yet.

 

So then a couple months ago, he confesses to me that he just doesn't feel good about buying a ring yet. We are moving in together in about a month. He wants to wait until we've lived together for a while before proposing. The thing is that I've given up my job (he lives three hours away) in order to live with him in the condition that it would lead to marriage. I wouldn't move in with a guy for any other reason other than he will soon be my husband.

 

So now I feel like he is just having me move there so he can "try me out" first. How can he be so unsure after 8 years? Should I give this a chance? Should I tell him I want a ring in 6 months or I am moving out? Should I leave him?

[norajane]

Since he's moving the marker on you, I'd say forget quitting your job and moving in with him.

 

Once you've moved in, he can keep pushing back the time frame to get engaged and you'll have no recourse but to upheave your life again to move out. It's also really, really rude of him to just change the rules on you - he knew that the condition was that you were moving in only because you both had the intention of marriage and he agreed. Now he wants to try before he buys?

 

You're making all the sacrifices here - giving up your job, moving, etc. - what's he doing for you? Nothing but stalling.

 

8 years is a long time. He should know by now if he wants to marry you or not.

[adnCat]

I dated my bf for 8 years before I got a ring. I did get a ring, and we are getting married in 6 months. We live 2.5 -3.5 hours from one another (depending on traffic).

 

I would not move in with him if I were you. Is it to late to decide to stay at your job and not move in with him? Norajane is right about his ability to keep pushing things further off if you move in with him. Also, moving in could lead to what psychologists call relationship inertia- moving to marriage only because it is the "next step." You don't want him to get married to you just because it looks like things are going that way. You should just want to get married, period.

 

I think the key here is the reason he doesn't feel right about it right now. Have you asked him why?

[Enema]

I don't care if I've dated you for 20 years.

 

I'd never marry you without living together first to see how that dynamic works.

[amymarieca]

It's too late to decide not to move. I have already given my resignation for my job and have gotten an apartment. That really is unfair that he blew his part of the deal. I figure I will wait a certain amount of time and then I'm out if there is no ring. I need a change of job anyway.

[Lauriebell82]

Yeah you could try. I don't buy the fact that he wants to live with you before he decides if he wants to marry you. My boyfriend and I actually had this discussion before. If you stay with each other (and after 8 years i'm sure you guys have) he really shouldn't need a "test drive." You should give yourself a timeline and then if he doesn't propose then leave. Don't pressure him or give him ultimatums, just leave. I really don't believe in threats or ultimatums, they only provoke fear, not love. That's not something to base a marriage on. Keep your options open (have somewhere to live/go if you have to leave him). Good luck!

[lonelybuthappy]

You should give yourself a timeline and then if he doesn't propose then leave. Don't pressure him or give him ultimatums, just leave. I really don't believe in threats or ultimatums, they only provoke fear, not love. That's not something to base a marriage on. Keep your options open (have somewhere to live/go if you have to leave him). Good luck!

 

You don't like ultimatums, but you'll leave if he doesn't propose....

 

Love is beyond ultimatums, papers, rings.... If you're in love , you'd never leave

[curiousnycgirl]

I don't believe in ultimatums (sp?) either - however I do believe in complete honesty. I would have a very discussion with him once and only once - do NOT turn into a nag.

 

Tell him that you love him, and that you are not very happy that he appears to have changed the rules on you. Tell him that because of this you have been put in a very uncomfortable position and that you will need to put a timeline on how long you can continue living without the committment. Tell him what that timeline is - and it can be whatever YOU decide. Then tell him that you will leave at that time if you two are not at least engaged.

 

Now here is the hard part - do NOT discuss it again. Just say your piece and then move on with your life. Enjoy each and every day, etc. If you harp on this topic, it will not bode well for your continued relationship.

 

If G-d forbid the time comes (or a few weeks before) and he has not yet proposed, simply get yourself somewhere to live, pack your things and leave.

 

As far as the poster who wrote that if you love him you would never leave - I'm sorry but it takes two people to make a relationship work, and you what you want out of a relationship. So if he is not willing to meet you halfway - you need to find someone who will.

 

Good luck!

[Lizzie60]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. I am 26 and he is almost 28. In the last year or so, we've been talking about marriage and rings. We've even gone to stores where I picked out rings I liked. He seemed to be fine with this whole situation, but he never actually got me the ring. He was always making excuses as to why he hasn't gotten it yet.

 

So then a couple months ago, he confesses to me that he just doesn't feel good about buying a ring yet. We are moving in together in about a month. He wants to wait until we've lived together for a while before proposing. The thing is that I've given up my job (he lives three hours away) in order to live with him in the condition that it would lead to marriage. I wouldn't move in with a guy for any other reason other than he will soon be my husband.

 

So now I feel like he is just having me move there so he can "try me out" first. How can he be so unsure after 8 years? Should I give this a chance? Should I tell him I want a ring in 6 months or I am moving out? Should I leave him?

 

You never truly know someone unless you live with him/her. I don't blame him... I would never ever marry without 'trying him first' no way.

 

WTF is it with women wanting to marry without co-habiting first or even having sex before marriage????? Geezzz

 

And if you leave your job...well it's your choice... why can't he leave his job?

 

If you're not comfortable with this whole thing then you need to leave him.

 

Would you rather leave your job, marry him...and then find out he's cheating or he wants a divorce a year or two down the road?

[adnCat]

It may seem to late to back out of the move now, but the fact is you always have a choice.

 

Studies have shown time and time again that living together before marriage is correlated to a higher risk of divorce. And that is only for the cohabitating relationships that even make it to marriage. Check out some of Rutgers University's studies. They publish "The State of Our Unions" each year with these type of statistics.

 

A live in is not a test drive of a true person. After 8 years, you should already know.

 

If you love someone enough to marry them, surely you love them enough to let it go it they fart in their sleep or leave shampoo around the bottle opening resulting in wasted product and a crust dispenser. You should be committed enough to let it go if they'd rather store peanut butter in the fridge instead of the the cupboard. You should have communication skills worthy of fixing a playstation versus dishes situation.

 

I don't think it is wrong for people to live together before marriage. It's a personal choice. I'm just stating some reasons that some people might want to wait until after marriage to live together.

 

Another thing is that marriage, to me, is the start of a journey together. And isn't moving in together for the first time a great way to commence the journey? I want marriage because it is important to me. It is important to my fiance. We want this commitment before living together, before family. To some people, it might just be a piece of paper. But to others, it could be of great intangible value, not to mention as a civil institution, an act that changes your legal status in the US and can affect your legal rights of property ownership and your financial picture (joint taxes, ability to be insured as family, ability to collect social security).

 

To the OP- if you insist that you have no choice at this point but to move in, go ahead. But I really think you are not helping matters or your situation at all.

 

You say yourself that "you wouldn't move in with a guy for any other reason other than he will soon be my husband." Great, you just broke your own rules to accomodate him.

 

Do not tell him you want a ring in 6 months or you are moving out. How will you feel if he finally gives you a ring, and you had to threated him with moving out to get it? I would feel embarassed that it took and ultimatum, and I would worry that he was only marrying me because I forced him to. That would not feel good. And if he doesn't provide the ring? Will you really move out? My bet is you would not, and then he's caught you in an empty threat. Now your words will not carry much weight with him, if that happens.

 

Not to mention the fact that after 8 years, being sure about marriage means you want to get married. The opposite of being sure is not wanted to get married. You can't want to be sort-of married. You either are or you aren't, so you either want it or you don't!

 

Here's what I would do. Tell him that you wouldn't move in with a guy for any other reason than he would soon be your husband. Don't move in with him. Don't leave the relationship, yet. Tell him you love him and want to marry him sooner than later, and because of this desire, you want to continue the relationship, but you cannot there will be no-cohabitating unless you are engaged. Set a date in your mind of a reasonable timeframe in which he should propose by. Heck, be generous. Say, March 31, 2008. That's 9 whole months! (Spanning the holiday season and valentine's day, I might add!) If he doesn't propose by then, cut your losses and break it off. Don't tell him this date; don't tell him your plans. That would be an ultimatum. An ultimatum is a situation in which you say to someone, do A or else you get B consequence. An ultimatum is a forced choice, where a failure to choose according results in serious consequences inflicted bt the person forcing the choice. In this case, he does not get a choice, it is your choice. Circle the date on your calendar. Don't mention it any more unless he brings it up. He already knows what you want. It's up to him to deliver, and it is always up to you to stay or go. If you end up leaving, don't pin the blame on him, as it is always your decision to continue the relationship.

 

I'm giving this advice because it is similar to what I went through. I never was in a situation where I was going to live with him, but I was at a point where I wanted marriage. I did not want to force a proposal. We had talked about it years before he finally proposed. It became a sensitive topic, and there were tears shed over the "when" question. I came to a realization that if I wanted something, I needed to take it in my own hands. I realized that every moment I spent with my partner before a proposal should be a moment of active decision- I would only be with him because I wanted to be. When I shifted the problem from him (when will he propose) to me (am I still herebecause I want to be) I realized that it was my decision to stay with him for all these years, so I could not be mad at him for us being together for 8 years and not being engaged yet. That is when I decided that marriage was something I wanted in my life, and if he didn't want it in a reasonable time frame, than it not meant to be and it was up to me to leave the relationship to find what I wanted. He was important to me, but so was marriage. I set a huge window. I think it was 10 or 11 months. I set a date at which I would have to leave if there was no proposal. I backed off of the issue, and only talked about it when he brought it up. Three months into my wait, he popped the question.

[Lauriebell82]

You don't like ultimatums, but you'll leave if he doesn't propose....

 

Love is beyond ultimatums, papers, rings.... If you're in love , you'd never leave

 

You can be in love, but if marriage is something that is important to you and not to your partner, than you want different things. I would never stay with someone who wouldn't want to get married. Marriage and children is important to me, and clearly important to the poster as well.

[adnCat]

You can be in love, but if marriage is something that is important to you and not to your partner, than you want different things. I would never stay with someone who wouldn't want to get married. Marriage and children is important to me, and clearly important to the poster as well.

 

I wholeheartedly agree! Love isn't beyond everything, nor should it be.

[rainfall]

No matter how long you are with someone there are things you don't know about them until you live with them. I would have to live with someone for awhile before I could know if they were someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

 

I think its a good thing that he wants to "try you out" before marrying you. What if you guys live together for a few months and find out that you just can't live together. Isn't that something that is good to find out before marriage?

 

As for you giving up your job why not as another poster said have him give up his job and move to where you are?

[amymarieca]

Thanks to all for your great advice so far. Many have asked why he can't move to where I am. The reason is because I live in a small town and his work requires him to be in a bigger city in order to advance in any way. I can do my line of work anywhere.

[alphamale]

So now I feel like he is just having me move there so he can "try me out" first. How can he be so unsure after 8 years? Should I give this a chance? Should I tell him I want a ring in 6 months or I am moving out? Should I leave him?

this guy is stringing you along and probably has no intention of marrying you. and once you move in together there will be even less probablity of marriage. eight yrs is a long time to date and not be married.

 

another piece of advice. if a guy is serious about marriage with you he'll generally ask after 2 years.

[Mary3]

I feel this guy is hesitating because of things he views in your relationship.

 

Stalling is fine if you never care about getting married ( or him ) but if its important to you I would end this and find someone who wants to marry in a more decent time frame.

 

8 years is a long time.

 

I personally would rather live with someone first and see how it goes in the first 6 months...perhaps he feels this way too.

[Lauriebell82]

I guess my opinion on the whole "moving in" thing is a little bias since I had a bad experience. My ex bf tricked me into paying his rent (it was by the semester so it was like $1700) and then I found out after I had already paid it that he had gotten rejected for the loan. It was terrible because I had no money and it got so complicated because I made him move out and eventually just got sick of his lies. Yeah it sounds like I was lucky that I hadn't married him first, but I don't think the situation would have even happened if we would have waited longer to get married till we were both stable.

 

The point of this is that living together before marriage gets very complicated in many ways. I would never make that same mistake ever. You two must have stayed together and have some idea what it would be like if you lived together. Also, when you live together when your married if you do have issues you usually don't give up right away you work them out. I don't think that two people would move into together having absolutely no idea what it would be like to spend the night together and stay together.

 

Anyway, my point of all that is that he is just stalling you. The stuff about having a test run is total b.s., it's just an excuse. Don't fall for it. Tell him that you would like to possibly wait to move in together. Can you find another apartment even though you quit your job? I mean did you actually move relying on moving in with him?Surely you can find another apartment for hte time being. He broke the deal, so why should you move in with him. You'll just feed into his excuses if you do. After 8 years he should know. I'm sorry, I know this hurts, but he doesn't want to marry you. I doubt living with you is going to change that.

[thelittlespoon]

Let me ask you something - do you honestly want this guy to propose to you even though he isn't ready yet?

 

Even though you two have been together for a long time, if he's not ready, then he's just not ready.

 

Don't get me wrong - I completely understand your frustrations. You have to ask yourself if it is worth waiting for. If not, then I would move on. Why hold yourself back from what YOU want?

[thelittlespoon]

Another thing - I can't believe that he is waiting until now to bring up the "moving in" topic. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years, and have been living together for a year now. He is 24 and I am 25. Our cohabitation experience has been wonderful, and in all honesty, I don't see how a couple can get married WITHOUT living together first. I'm sure that many will disagree with me, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Why not "try" each other out first. It's not just him trying you out, but you trying him out as well. Marriage is supposed to last a lifetime, and with the divorce rates at 40% why not test drive before you buy?

 

You learn SO MUCH about each other when you live together, and it's something that you won't get from staying the night at each other's places or going on vacation together. You get to see how compatible you are sharing repsonsibilities, habit-wise, money-wise, and you combine two lifestyles together to make one. And the best part - if it doesn't work out and you realize that you can't live with that person, you wait until your lease is up and move out. No messy divorce required.

[corazoncito]

Let me ask you something - do you honestly want this guy to propose to you even though he isn't ready yet?

 

Even though you two have been together for a long time, if he's not ready, then he's just not ready.

 

I agree with littlespoon.

 

I also agree with the pp's that say 8 years is a long time. But you have to consider that you are the only girlfriend he's had since he was 20 years old and now he's almost 30. People change and grow so much from the early to late 20's, he may not be the same person you were first dating. Also, because you began dating so young, neither of you probably has much past dating experience to draw on to evaluate your current relationship and whether you are truly compatible after 8 years. If your BF is having doubts, he may be having a hard time deciding whether he's just having typical, minor "cold feet" before a major life altering decision or if these are real fears he should be paying close attention to.

 

You learn SO MUCH about each other when you live together, and it's something that you won't get from staying the night at each other's places or going on vacation together. You get to see how compatible you are sharing repsonsibilities, habit-wise, money-wise, and you combine two lifestyles together to make one. And the best part - if it doesn't work out and you realize that you can't live with that person, you wait until your lease is up and move out. No messy divorce required.

 

This is also very true. It may help to live together to work out these things, although I do believe very motivated, mature individuals with excellent communication skills can do this by talking it out in advance, even if they don't live together.

 

Spending the night and having fun doesn't tell you anything about what it will be like to commit your life and future to this man. For example, managing joint finances can be a HUGE point of contention if you have not at least talked seriously about your goals and styles (not just paying monthly bills, but saving for major purchases, saving for long-term goals like a house or retirement, how much you want to spend on "toys" and vacations). If you are not on the same page you can find your personal finances and your long-term plans are suddenly out of your control.

 

Also, if you are planning on having children, you really want to be 100% sure you can count on your future husband to be honest, flexible, and open to discussion even when you don't agree on everything.

 

Bottom line, moving in together or not is all about choice. Every action you take you CHOSE to take. You can go forward or stop or go back at any time you want to. Please don't convince yourself you're trapped into making any decision that makes you uncomfortable.

[Lauriebell82]

The divorce rate is actually higher those individuals who live together before marriage..so sorry it's not true that if you live together before you get married you are less likely to get divorced. Actually living together when your married vs. unmarried is very different. You could live together wonderfully when your dating, but its a whole different situation when your married. I really don't think it matters whether or not you've lived together before marriage or not, it's all about how compatible you are as a couple. Usually people don't get divorced solely for the reason that they don't like living with each other. Usually you can find out each other's habits beforehand even if you haven't actually lived together.

 

I think the guy is using total b.s. excuses. Using the condition that he won't marry you unless he lives with you first is really stupid. He's just stalling believe me. To the poster, decide what it is you want, don't let him sway you with the living together line. He wants a wife without actually having to make you his, and by living with him that's what your doing. If your ready to get married and he's not, then you really need to think about if this is worth waiting for. It sounds as though you are already starting to resent the fact that he doesn't want to marry you, so I seriously would think about talking to him.

[Enema]

The divorce rate is actually higher those individuals who live together before marriage..

 

A few reports disagree with that and claim that it's an old statistic from research done in the 80's and 90's.

 

Assuming it's true though, I would love to know why it's believed cohabitating before marriage increases the risk of divorce. Any ideas?

[corazoncito]

Assuming it's true though, I would love to know why it's believed cohabitating before marriage increases the risk of divorce. Any ideas?

 

The usual reasons I've heard are:

 

1) one person in the couple wants to get married and the other is reluctant, and they eventually get married as some sort of compromise, but the relationship ends in divorce because it was never solid to begin with.

 

2) The people who are willing to live together without marriage first tend to have cultural and/or religious values that make them more open to divorce. Couples who don't cohabitate before marriage are more likely to have cultural/religious values that frown on divorce so they are less likely to divorce. (so correlating cohabitation with divorce, in this hypothesis, is really mixing apples and oranges)

[allina]

if a guy is serious about marriage with you he'll generally ask after 2 years.

 

My bf has said this as well

 

A few reports disagree with that and claim that it's an old statistic from research done in the 80's and 90's.

 

Assuming it's true though, I would love to know why it's believed cohabitating before marriage increases the risk of divorce. Any ideas?

 

I don't know if that statistic is true or not but I personally believe it's a good idea to live together before marriage. I'm curious to what the reasons may be as well if this statistic is true.

[Lauriebell82]

http://www.crosswalk.com/marriage/11531429/

 

Here is a website i found..yeah it's just opinion, and my reasoning is personal, not so much about getting divorced. For some it's a good idea, for some it isn't. I guess it more depends on your situation.