Feeling that urge to cheat....!

[PollyIvy]

I agree with everything ShadowMan says. Monogamy is natural for some people, and not natural for others. When someone says, 'Well, *I* never caved into temptation', well, maybe it's easier for them than for other people. Like childbirth - personally i found it easy to give birth without any pain relief, but I certainly wouldn't think other women are wimpy or weak if they need pain relief, because labor probably feels different for them than for me, it does not mean I am a stronger or better woman.

When i got married, i believed in my vows. I only knew myself at that age, i didn't know the person I would be 10 years later. Well, as it turns out - something i didn't KNOW when I got married - monogamy does not feel natural to me AT ALL.

Deep down inside me, monogamy is not an expression of true love for me, or a genuine value. I don't really relate to people who feel that way, even though public opinion is ontheir side, and i am a 'devient'.

Fetish, your problem the way I see it is you don't want to hurt someone you love just because of the way you really are. I don't see you as being 'bad', just not a mongamist. it's hard to be honest about it because it's currently so disapproved of in our society.

[PollyIvy]

Sorry, I meant 'Shadowofman'. I also agree about the homosexuality thing. Whe can choose that? And so what does the person who feels the urge do with him or herself - just suppress it all, be untrue to yourself, or lie and cheat like a dog, as Fetish calls himself...?

The tragedy is that some people are just built that way - to not be monogamous - and that it can hurt other people SO MUCH. And not just any ole' people... but the most special people.

[shadowofman]

Thank you Ivy! No one wants to hurt someone that they care about. That is why cheating is so prevailent. It's the easy road. The road most travelled. "What she doesn't know, won't hurt her"' mentality. The solution would be to never get into a relationship that doesn't suit you. The problem is that at the beginning, you may not know what suits you, like you said Ivy, or you are too afraid of scaring someone that you really like away. (I personally am very greatful for every relationship that I've ever had, even though I've never been really satisfied) People often compromise complete honesty fr instant grtification. (it's easy to ignore one's own sexuality for the immediate gain in happiness). You could try to ignore your desires for promiscuity. You could start believing that you will burn in hell for eternity for your sinful wants. But, that's all bull, and you'll never beable to ignore your desires. Chances are you will fail into a situation where it's just to easy to get away with it, and if he doesn't take the opportunity, a truely promiscuous man (again, most are), will kick himself in the ass everytime he thinks about how he could have had sex with that person. Inconvienient truth!

[annieo]

Ivy I would go one step further and suggest that most people (not just most men) are built for promiscuity. If you want to get biological about it, for men it means spreading their seed around and making lots of babies and for women it means diversifying the genetics of their offspring, thus improving their chance of survival.

But genetics aside, I think alot of people are tempted, either by the promise of sexual activity with a new person, or the possibility of getting to know someone else in an intimate, emotional way, even if for only a night or two.

But I also think that human beings are hardwired for other things, like extreme violence for example. i can think of a couple of times recently when I've wanted to slap somebody or really cuss them out. But, aside from the occassional muttered swear word, i managed to contain myself. Would it feel good, would I be expressing some genuine aspect of myself if I just let my temper rip when the mood strikes me? Yes, I would be a freer, more genuine, no bull**** woman. But the hurt that off the hook violent behavior would cause other people, particularily innocent bystanders like my children, plus some sort of "moral code" and fear of reprisal, keeps me in line most of the time.

Wanting, REALLY, REALLY wanting to do something in the heat of the moment is not justification for doing it. I don't think you are "denying" your sexual persona by being faithful, I think you are realizing that you aren't the only person in the relationship who HAS feeelings. When your wants get in the way of other people's rights (rights to honesty, to not be exposed to other people's std's without prior knowledge) you are being selfish, pure and simple. I say this as a person who has fooled around in prior relationships and I feel like a complete **** about it.

There is another solution. Nobody has to be in a monogomous relationship. Cut yourself loose and **** anything that lets you. But it is completely unfair to expect to have your cake and eat it too. Really immature and selfish.

Again, I say this as a person who can understand what it is to be tempted and to give in. I like to think (hope) I've learned my lesson.