Moving mother to assisted living...I'm a mess!

[Gala]

I know this is long, LSers, but please lend me your eyes for a few moments.

 

Six months ago I took over my 88-year-old mother's affairs when 1) her gradual dementia had gotten worse, and 2) she was diagnosed with some very unpleasant physical conditions that she couldn't deal with on her own.

 

I am 42 (she had me late), and her only offspring. No spouse, no SO, and I'm dealing with this by myself. Moreover, she hasn't really let anyone but me help her in any sustained way (not counting the many medical professionals we've consulted).

 

This coming weekend, after much buildup, including a surgery last month, she will go into assisted living. I am exhausted from:

- being at her house every day to cook, make sure she eats, give her medications, and clean up after her incontinence.

- refinancing her house in order to get equity to pay for assisted living until her house is sold.

- dealing with her impossible and eccentric-bordering-on-nuts tenant, who has DRAGGGGGGED out a resolution for a moveout. Because of the laws here, I've actually had to get an attorney to address this.

- spending more time on calls about her affairs than my own.

- keeping my two jobs while taking off a lot of time for medical appts, attorney meetings, and the like.

 

She will be leaving the house where I grew up, and now that the move is coming I am starting to freak out. I don't own a home of my own, and this will be a real upheaval for both of us.

 

My mother has a core of steel, even now...but her strength really wanes and waxes. She could go anytime, she could live ten years. But her memories are disappearing every day. This year she didn't recognize my birthdate.

 

I am nervous about the house selling in a timely way. I've taken out enough equity to pay for a year of assisted living, plus extra. The house is in a prestigious neighborhood in a premium city, but still. I worry. Assisted living is so expensive, and the whole prospect is a lot of responsbility.

 

And last weekend my supposed best friend of 20 years made a remark in front of other friends of ours to the effect that perhaps I hadn't prepared well enough. She helped me with the refi, and I had given her an overall plan/breakdown during the process. Her statement was an enormous breach of trust, and I have not spoken to her since. This is probably the fourth time in the last ten years that she has undermined me when I was down, and I am beginning to believe that it needs to be the last time. It doesn't happen when I'm firing on all cylinders - just when things suck and I really need support. In some instances in the past when I have felt attacked I have let loose involuntary strings of obscenities in response, but this time I very calmly said that I would appreciate not discussing the matter.

 

It is this incident that made me realize it will happen again if I continue the relationship. Would the next time be in the aftermath of my mother's death? Or during some catastrophic illness (of either my mother or me...take your pick).

 

We have been friends since college, and know many people in common. It would be like an amputation to remove her from my life, and my strength feels sapped just thinking about it. But I have begun to wonder about how many times she has sabotaged me without my noticing, and whether my outlook and opportunities would be better without her.

 

She is very desirous of achievement, but hasn't done much the last few years. Her husband has a good enough job that she doesn't have to work, and generally doesn't. She owns a house for which her parents gave her the down payment. Several years back she got in over her head with the stock market, and they bailed her out. I manage my money carefully, and I've had some breaks both good and bad. I did go get a Ph.D., so I have loans till the cows come home. She has a master's degree, and the only graduate program she wanted to stay in kicked her out. I think it bothers her that I went the full route and she couldn't.

 

Most women at my age and career level are raising kids, and don't have a lot of time for friendships (especially if they're working). She doesn't have kids, and this does mean she's more available. Never mind that we share 20 years of experiences, language, sensation.

 

I have tried to distance myself quite a few times so that I'm not so vulnerable. This has broken down about once every two years, and I am just tired of the cycle. She accuses me of overreacting whenever it happens, and this time I'm done.

 

Next weekend will come, and I will move my mother, and life will go on. Eventually I will need to navigate this situation.

 

I appreciate any thoughts. Thank you in advance.

[aeren944]

Hi, Gala.

 

First off, I must admit to you that I feel silly giving you any advice. I'm merely 26, with no degree or achievements to match yours. However, I am dealing with a similar situation with my father. So, I know how painful and stressful it can be. My father is not in assisted living, but he is heading in that direction.

 

It feels terrible to constantly deal with the fact that he's not the same man that raised me.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to offer some advice. Is your friend purposefully sabotaging you when she says things like that, or when she "undermines" you? Do you think she's trying to help? In my limited experience, I've seen that the motives are more important than the actions sometimes.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to throw that out there for you. I also wanted to let you know that you're a very strong woman to be taking care of your mother like you are, and your mother is a very lucky woman to have a daughter like you. Don't lose faith.

[Gala]

Aeren -

 

Many thanks for your thoughtful message, and please don't feel silly...bottom line is that advanced degrees or no, human relations are hard. For this reason, in some instances I don't even bring up the degree thing...I mainly do so here because it is key to the background with my friend. It is also a reason that I don't have more financial security than I do - I lost quite a few years of earning potential, have a ton of debt, and the opportunities I've had the last few years have not made up for these factors. I have a hard time not comparing my security to that of my various friends who took other routes.

 

Your point about motives is a very good one. I think there were a couple. One is that my friend does sometimes get overinvolved, and overzealous; this behavior comes from her family. She is very enmeshed with her parents still at many levels - when she moved back East temporarily a few years ago, they packed and sent her things for her. When she was in grad school, she had them edit her papers (they are paid to write in their jobs, but are not famous or anything.) I think the message they send is something like "you can't do this without us," and I think she behaves in a similar fashion. I had a bit of a struggle getting independence from my parents, but once it was done it was done. To me, this involvement is stifling and condescending.

 

Other reasons? She feels lousy about not really working (she has been dabbling in mortgage brokering...I went with her b/c I know she's done her own refis, and she's a good data analyst and bargain hunter). So she needs to feel like she's actually capable. She has not supported herself since 2000. From what I can tell, she did a good job with the refi, but in the event that I have to get more equity (and I REALLY hope this doesn't happen) I will not let her handle it. It was a leap of faith and an emotional risk to let her do it, and she has shown that she does not possess the discretion or sensitivity I would expect in a financial professional. She did get a cut from the refi, but I don't see the money as the major motivator in this situation. Rather, it was the sense of importance and control.

 

The exact statement she made in front of our friends was that I "might need to do another refi." This will only be the case if the house hasn't sold in a year. As I noted in my initial post, it is in a very desirable neighborhood and earned a very healthy appraisal. It will likely be torn down, as it is 100 years old and will likely be replaced by condos. Developers have wanted it for years. But I am nervous about the RE market. And she knows -- INTIMATELY -- how big a deal all this is to me...and still she invoked a really unpleasant scenario...less than 30 days after the first refi closed and I was still worn out from the process.

 

The irony is that with this behavior she has pushed me far, far away. I am running. I don't want to stop.

 

So enough of this. As you might imagine, I am furious that this is taking my strength and attention the week before a major life shift. I have to schedule a last appointment with the exterminator at my mother's house next week, and when the guy comes my mother will likely be gone from where she's lived for 50 years.

 

I do feel for you in your situation. My dad died when I was 26, and it was very hard to shoulder. I remember feeling like I was too young to be going through this - I was so angry, and it just felt so raw and terrible. He was 71 when it happened, and he'd had a few years of just being tired. He had tricky heart-lung problems, and I think his passing was a relief for him. But the loss for those he left behind was tough. Based on that experience, and my current interactions with my mother, I hope you are able to enjoy what you have with your dad.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Gala,

 

I read both your posts. I can imagine you're going through a really rough time - a couple of the things remind me of events that have happened in my life. Tough to deal with.

 

I have a question: Is your original post basically about your mother, or your friend? Perhaps both these events are creating a super-stress in your life. But still, for the reader's sake, it would be better if you can separate the two and post your thoughts in two different threads.

 

Just a suggestion.

[amerikajin]

Gala,

 

Short version of the response.

 

Her comments would appear to be out of line. However, think carefully before you cut someone off for good. Understand exactly why you're doing it, and make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

[quankanne]

… on the other hand, there's no moral obligation to remain friendly with someone who is creating a toxic relationship out of a longstanding one. Sometimes, it's time to cut off a relationship – or temper it – so that you retain your sanity, especially when the other person does their best to hurt you, even if when it doesn't seem intentional.

 

bottom line is, with everything you've got to deal with right now concerning your mom, her home, her finances and legal issues, you really don't need to put up with someone's BS that you're just not equipped handle at this point in time. Your family is your primary concern, and as a friend, this woman should respect that by keeping certain confidences unless you give the okey-dokey to talk about them.

 

meanwhile, hugs to you ... this sounds like a really stressful period right now.

 

quank

[sb129]

Gala,

 

I just wanted to say I admire your strength and I am sending you best wishes for what is clearly a very difficult time for you.

 

Could you perhaps re-assess your relationship with your friend once the situation with your mother has been resolved a little bit more?

 

You need some time to yourself!

 

Your friend is being unsupportive- she needs to know, but time may help you tell her without getting mad.

 

I would reduce contact with her until you can dedicate some time to actually thinking about how much potential the friendship has.

Right now it doesn't sound like you have the luxury of that kind of free time.

 

You may either miss her over this time, or realise that you don'tmiss her at all, which may help your decisions.

[Zona76]

I'm there too. Though I'm somewhat different I can give you some pointers.

My Mom is also born 1920. I'm 55 and I was the youngest.

I stayed and my 2 sisters moved out of state. She'd had dementia too. It was due to the medications she'd taken over the many many years for schizophrenia.

Before Dad passed in '96 I told him I needed to have him revise his will. (Mom loved her home and my other 2 sisters were fighting over the fact of who was going to get what when the house was sold.)

I asked dad to make it so the house could NOT be sold till after her death and that she (Mom) could not even change this. (Sisters were mad. They wanted Moms house or the money it would bring.)

She broke her hip 5 years ago and after her surgery remained in a coma like state for 6 weeks. I had to go feed her. She'd eat for me. I'd have to tell her to open your mouth, close it, chew and swallow.

As I said this was for 6 weeks. One morning she woke up and didn't know where she was or why.

You know when recovering from a broken hip you MUST get up right away and excersise it.

She didn't even know she couldn't walk. But she had forgotten how.

The stay went beyond all the funds we had for her and I was advised she could go on medicade.

Nursing home takes all her Social Security and bills Medicade. Now finding out the she has property they will get the home too. They will bill and take the equity on the house. The home in which I now live. The home in which my sisters both feel I should have been paying them rent. Medicade will take the home.

I still visit my mom every week now.

She has good days and bad too. I can always get her to calm down. The nurses still call me when she starts to fight them off.

She's MY mom... Not my sisters. And I feel no saddness they will get nothing when she passes either.

My advise to you... you are an only child. See that this home is in your name not hers. When you decide to place her in a nursing home, place her on medicade. YOU wont be responcible for the medications and facillity accrued

[Gala]

Thank you for the support, everyone.

 

First of all, I haven't done anything re. my friend. The first week, I just needed the distance. This week, I am gearing up for the move. Moreover, Mercury is retrograde and communication tends to be strongly affected during these periods.

 

This is not the first rough time my friend and I have had. When I lived elsewhere for almost a decade and I'd see her just periodically, her life seemed pretty dysfunctional (not drugs/alcohol, but other problems) and I really kept my distance. Without going into detail I will just say that she is a lot better. But even so, she does not get what it means not to have anyone to bail you out.

 

I have become increasingly aware in the last couple of weeks of how much I've kept from her over time because I didn't know when or how she'd have some judgmental, controlling remark to share. This, too, is how her parents operate - amidst appearing supportive.

 

I didn't mention earlier that she had criticized me the week before the refi remark for being "too thin." Over time I have shed a few sizes through continued exercise and diet adjustment, and am definitely smaller than I'd envisioned being at this stage of my life. And folks, I am here to tell you that it is an asset in our culture - just the difference in everyday treatment by total strangers is noticeable. I am rarely sick, am pretty strong, and am working on flexibility with yoga classes. My friend, meanwhile, gained over 70 pounds in her late 20's and early 30's after no previous history of weight problems, then a few years ago began working to get rid of it. She looks good now, but her body is not what it was. So the discrepancy between us on this front is also an issue for her. But heck - she has a house, and a great husband who pays all the bills.

 

 

Zona - what a gift you are to your mother. I have dreaded a similar scenario to yours - especially one involving a broken hip. My mother's assets (mostly consisting of the house) are in a trust, which puts some limits on what can be done with them. The house will also need to be sold in order to pay for assisted living. I have already talked with attorneys about what to do about Medi-CAL (CA's Medicaid), and the legal territory is tricky. Medicaid looks for evidence of asset disposal over a 5-year period (it used to be 3) prior to when the person in question begins receiving it. There are more legal conversations I need to have about this in the very near future.

 

I need to get ready for work now. But again, I really appreciate the kind words!

[Gala]

Thank you for the support, everyone.

 

First of all, I haven't done anything re. my friend. The first week, I just needed the distance. This week, I am gearing up for the move. Moreover, Mercury is retrograde and communication tends to be strongly affected during these periods.

 

This is not the first rough time my friend and I have had. When I lived elsewhere for almost a decade and I'd see her just periodically, her life seemed pretty dysfunctional (not drugs/alcohol, but other problems) and I really kept my distance. Without going into detail I will say that she is a lot better. Regardless, she does not get what it means not to have anyone to bail you out.

 

I have become increasingly aware in the last couple of weeks of how much I've kept from her over time because I didn't know when or how she'd have some judgmental, controlling remark to share. This, too, is how her parents operate - amidst appearing supportive.

 

I didn't mention earlier that she had criticized me the week before the refi remark for being "too thin." Over time I have shed a few sizes through continued exercise and diet adjustment, and am definitely smaller than I'd envisioned being at this stage of my life. And folks, I am here to tell you that it is an asset in our culture - just the difference in everyday treatment by total strangers is noticeable. I am also rarely sick, am pretty strong, and am working on flexibility with yoga classes. My friend, meanwhile, gained over 70 pounds in her late 20's and early 30's after no previous history of weight problems, then a few years ago began working to get rid of it. She looks good now, but her body is not what it was. So the discrepancy between us on this front is also an issue for her. But heck - she has a house, and a great husband who pays all the bills.

 

 

Zona - what a gift you are to your mother. I have dreaded a similar scenario to yours - especially one involving a broken hip. My mother's assets (mostly consisting of the house) are in a trust, which puts some limits on what can be done with them. The house will also need to be sold in order to pay for assisted living. I have already talked with attorneys about what to do about Medi-CAL (CA's Medicaid), and the legal territory is tricky. Medicaid looks for evidence of asset disposal over a 5-year period (it used to be 3) prior to when the person in question begins receiving it. There are more legal conversations I need to have about this in the very near future.

 

I need to get ready for work now. But again, I really appreciate the kind words!