stop me from using the phone....

[Melovator]

I have other threads,to amke a long story short: partner- EX PARTNER- had A, wouldn't give OW up, we have very young son, he's been in the house part-time, me driving myself mental over situation, realised I was driving myself mental and after seeing a psychologist today (who didn't say anything to me that I hadn't already told myself a thousand times) I sent him an email saying he needed to get his own place, that I knew it was over and I didn't want to hurt anymore. I sent an email because I had no idea if he was going to cry or get nasty and didn't want to deal with either.

Anyway, I sent this message quite a few hours ago now and have not heard from him. He did have a meeting with a psychologist himself this evening, and he may ahve decided for once in life not to work until midnight, so not seen it.

ANyway I don't want to call, send further emails or a text message... because I do mean it, I can't live this way and remain sane. So please, how do I resist the urge to call?

[funkybassplayer]

Nearly every one on here has to resist that urge, so trust me you are not alone, just be strong, dont drink and be positive that the outcome for you in the end, will be no more hurt for the future. He will get the email, and he will react in some way, but thats somethng you have to wait for and see, so for now post away, and sit tight!

[Melovator]

Nearly every one on here has to resist that urge, so trust me you are not alone, just be strong, dont drink and be positive that the outcome for you in the end, will be no more hurt for the future. He will get the email, and he will react in some way, but thats somethng you have to wait for and see, so for now post away, and sit tight!

 

Can't drink have small child with a cold, but am thinking of getting drunk on friday night- I've been trying to get REALLY drunk for the past 2 and 1/2 months but I don't drink alone and everyone I know has piked out for whatever reason, so the best I've managed is mildly pissed.

 

No more hurt for the future- that's why- I can't call because I'll just get weak and it'll all be too hard for him some reason or whatever and I'll cave, like I have before and I'll just be in the same world of pain I've been in for months.

 

I should just put the mobile on charge, turn the computer off, get into bed and read. Had too much coffee today- totally wired.

[funkybassplayer]

I tell you the early part of a breakup is a really strange place to be. 8 weeks down the line i miss my ex and her 3 kids very much, but due to the lack of contact, i had time to think, i know now (although she dumped me) Im better off out and am looking to the future and would'nt go back there again. It takes a while, you have to come to terms with the break-up, then the missing bit and all the emotions, but if its the right thing for you then you will feel after a time and you will start to look ahead to a new brighter life. x

[Melovator]

I know this has to be the right thing because the situation as it is/was/ whatever is completely untenable for me emotionally. My son needs better than crying, cranky mummy. And I've been trying to cleanse the house as much as I can of his presence- but of course its everywhere. I've known for weeks now that I had to say no more but... well hope. And as long as he keeps coming here, even if he's not sleeping in my bed, a little part of me is going to hope and I can't have that anymore. It's doing my head in.

 

And I have to keep telling the stupid bimbo part of me that imagines flowers and declarations of undying love that even if that happened I couldn't back down. That he needs to be out of the house, he is not good for me anymore, he's not even good for himself now.

 

I can see the future, though its not the one I imagined even just three months ago. I have things to do for myself and my son and different goals to work towards. I'll know eventually I'll be fine, I come from a long line of capable single mothers- my mother almost failed the capable test but none of us are jail and half of us have uni degrees so she gets a pass.

 

It's just... well habits of an adult lifetime... I guess. He's always been the one I turn to when its all too hard, and now he's the one making it too hard.

[Lost_in_TN]

Ah the old urge to pick up the phone. I mad that mistake yesterday, and it was definitely a set back. What little progress I felt I had made was washed away in a few seconds.

 

I think for me the NC allows me to distance myself from the situation. When there is a little distance between the Ex and I, I get a broader view of what is really happening, and who she really is as a person. But it's like having contact lulls me back closer into her grasp, and I get the urges to do stupid things like put my heart out there only to get it mutilated before my very eyes.

 

Yesterday she sent me a text message, and I don't "Do" text messaging. So instead of wasting time texting, I just called her and asked her what she wanted. If I'd stuck strictly to the business at hand, everything would have been fine. But I didn't do that, and once I made the conversation personal she friggin' knifed me in the heart. It's my own fault, I admit it. She wasn't going to say anything personal.

 

Saying you're going to do it, and actually doing it are two entirely different things. I hope once again that all this is actually registering somewhere in my mind to "Never do it again"!!!

 

I know I didn't answer your question of how to resist the urge to call. I'd kind of like to know myself!!!!

[Lizzie60]

If I were in your shoes... I wouldn't call... I would simply pack his stuff in garbage bags and put them outside... oh and I would change the locks... Leave an email about it...

 

end of story... There is no way I would take that crap.

[Thackery]

I agree with all of the above posts!! I have recently started the divorce process and about a week ago told the stbx that I wanted a no contact period unless it was vital to the processing of the D. I feel that is important for me to be able to focus on what I need to do for myself, without having to "wonder" if I am going to get an email or call or text. So far it is working very well.

 

It would be VERY beneficial for your own well being to do this--IMO. It will give you a chance to focus on your feelings and not have the "setbacks" that sometimes come with calls, emails etc.

 

Best of luck!!

 

Thackery

[azianpride143]

When they refuse to leave the affair. You have no choice but to separate. You need to put your foot down. Go see a lawyer and find out your rights. There is no point in you "being a doormat".

 

I did the same thing. Wallowed while she was living at home in separate rooms. While she continued on with the affair seeing the OM. I asked her to decide. She couldn't and so we separated. I kept the home. She moved into an apartment. It was the best decision I had made. Now were in the process of a divorce and I am happy I did it. I woke up from the reality that this person I married and known all these years is now a complete stranger. It's hard at first, but it will get better in the end. Sometimes a dose of reality can wake the WS out of their affair. But the choice is up to you if you want him back. Mine was simple, "get the hell out of my life and stay out". I did not want anything to do with her anymore and just simply want to divorce her azz.

 

Read my thread and others and you'll see the similarities of the behaviors of a cheating spouse.

[Melovator]

Thank you for all the posts, really, really appreciate it.

 

I don't think he's read his email yet, he just called (its morning here) he has lost his voice due to a recent sinus infection breaking up, so he hacked out he'd text and then it was just about our son. Thank god he's lost his voice! Because I can talk with a mouthful of marbles under mud but he does it for a living and is much better trained at picking apart weak points and flaws in arguements than I am.

 

Its his birthday tomorrow and he was supposed to be coming to stay here tonight so he can open his present with our son in the morning. Last year I was still on maternity leave and I made him a cake and had this whole 'Hours' moment where I just felt so incredibly unhappy, now of course I know he was already emotionally involved with OW then even if he wasn't screwing her. So he can get stuffed, no cake this year. No special dinner. No nothing from me.

 

I've been very good at keeping the conversation off the personal. So our son, finances (which at this stage he is completely being a non-Ahole about), the house. But nothing personal, he doesn't get to know how I am anymore. He keeps talking about being friends, but that's a joke because there's honesty and respect between friends and as long as he's involved with OW he'll keep lying, by commission or omission, and thus he isn't treating me with respect.

 

Woah, just realised I've deja'ed this vu! I get it all the time, and sometimes can even remember exactly when I dreamt a moment- this one I dreamt a few months ago- its freaky and I don't understand it but its always good when it happens and right now getting some feeling of clarity, backbone?, not wanting to weep. I feel right. It won't last forever but a little, I don't know.. tap on the shoulder from the universe, gives you a lift. Hopefully enough to get through today because he must have at least scanned his email by now.

 

I love him but he's a s**t and not good for me. No calls, no email, no text.

I'm going to crank up the stereo and clean the house and start preparing the bedroom for painting- my room now and once I've painted it all- I'm even going to paint over the bad feng shui mirros ont he wardrobe- I'm getting all new bed linen.

[Melovator]

Read my thread and others and you'll see the similarities of the behaviors of a cheating spouse.

 

Just read your thread AP- wot a bi-atch! I really send all my love to you and your kids, especially your daughter, she's just about to hit hormoneville herself (if she hasn't already at 12) and at a time when she needs her mother to be a calming and guiding influence on the journey to womanhood, she's behaving like a hormonal teenager herself. But your D has got you- and she's very lucky for it.

 

He called, don't think he has read email because he was just "i'll be up at 6, do I need to get my own dinner?"

 

I told him he could do what he wants but I'll be cooking for our son and I and there should be enough for him. Too nice I know, but this is the last time, he doesn't deserve my cooking- and I might have the rare disaster but I'm a pretty good cook.

 

Then he asked about the weather here (its always colder where I am than int he city where he works) so I said I'd see him tonight, said goodbye and hung up. I told him in the email this is the last week he can stay here, if he hasn't found somewhere next week then if he wants he can take our son to his parents house, they have the travel cot and a spare bed.

 

Now I'm wondering whether he just hasn't read the email because its from me and he assumes its not anything important or if he's just ignoring it. He didn't mention his appointment- I'm presuming he didn't go because that's what I expect him to do.

 

He's a jerk- he's a jerk- he's a jerk. Gotta keep telling myself that. He can be confused all he wants, but I'm not letting him confuse me anymore. Okay have to remember to strap on 'strong like an Amazon' cap tonight. I can cry when he's not here. JERK!

[bestlifenow]

Melovator,

Just got a divorce--4 months ago after being married 31 years. It's hard to detach. I only had a couple of setbacks, calling, emailing, etc.. since the seperation and divorce. He moved out a year ago. We don't have minor children, so I don't have to deal with that. I don't know what that's like, but you have courage. I don't think I could do it. Sounds like you're doing the right things...not putting up with the OW bs, making him move, trying to stay all business. My ex said we should divorce while we still cared about each other, we could be friends, etc... It was all bull. He was still calling me "babes" in the middle of the divorce. He said what he needed to say to appease me, to make the divorce better for him. He never called once to see how I was doing. He made me sell the house. He was online dating as soon as the ink was dry on the divorce papers. He's a liar and you're right I'm not friends with anyone else who would treat me like that. I'm civil, but I don't want him in my life anymore than he has to be. I don't hate him, but I see him the way he is, not the way I knew he could be and the way he was once a long time ago. I'm free and relieved that he's gone and that it's over and I know one day I won't be in love with him anymore. :DYou take care of yourself.

[azianpride143]

Once you get him out of the house, it will get better. This will give you a chance to think it through. Where to go, how to proceed, what the next steps are. This will also allow you to grieve the loss.

 

Hopefully this will allow you to accept your situation. I know there's so much confusing thoughts and feelings racing through your mind right now. You just have to take good care of yourself.

[mammax3]

Good for you Melovator!

 

How did the birthday go last night?

 

I went through a stage (ya, last week!) of wanting him to ask how I'm doing. Thanks for showing me that he doesn't *deserve* to know. What a great way of looking at it!

 

I'm following your threads, I just don't have much input, other than I hear ya sista!

[Melovator]

Thanks once again for your posts. This place is helping me a lot right now and I really appreciate it. I'm feeling really good today- positively giddy!

 

I've booked a weekend away in Melbourne with a friend (who ironically enough has been an on-again, off-again OW for several years- think its off-again but who knows? The guy screws with her head, and every time she's even the teensy bit vulnerable he senses it and is back again- which is why I tried to be so nice about his OW, I know my friend she's a nice person, but his OW- low self-esteem manipulative cow with nice tits) and am very excited. We're going to shop and be boozy wenches.

 

I've sorted out some issues at work that were really stressing me out, I'm going to do a life drawing class starting in a couple of weeks and I'm going to learn french in preparation for a trip to France I plan to take in a year or so's time. Always wanted to learn french, only got the option of German and Japanese in high school...

 

I'm going to apply to do a masters degree starting next year and in the meantime I've got the house renovations to get on with and a wonderful son to love even if he's reached the terrible two's a few months early (the only word I hear is 'no' or else 'no way').

 

So I'm feeling good, in control of myself for the first time since I got pregnant. So his birthday- he got here late- he's always late, and he called on the phone to see if I wanted anything from the shops. So I tell him I do and I'm going to hang up and he asks why I get off the phone so quickly and I tell him because he and I have nothing else to talk about. And he starts up with the friend thing so I say 'while you're involved with her we can't be friends because you'll alway lie about it and honesty and respect are the basis of any relationship including friendship, and if you're lying to me, then you don't respect me. So we're not friends.' Then we actually had a bit of a talk, until he said "I've been sitting in driveway for ten minutes, sorry I haven't got the milk."

 

So he came in, and we talked a bit more and he said he'd called about a couple of furnished units but that he was only going to take a three -six month lease as he didn't see that the arrangement of him being out the house would be permanent and that he was only going to take his clothes and leave the rest of his stuff here and come and grab stuff if he wanted it. I'm like 'huh?' in my head- that's not what I said, and its like he doesn't get it. But I didn't say anything because then he said he'd tell his mother because he knows his getting his own place will upset her! So I had to say to him "Your mother has been telling me that I shouldn't be doing your washing, or cooking for you and that I shouldn't have to put up with your c**p."

 

So this morning his birthday, son wakes up, go through usual routine, except he's sitting ont he couch with our son so I go and get the paper and have a cigarette (I quit when I found out I was pregnant and started again when I found out about A- so I know I can quit but right now... I need those nicotine bon-bons- out of the house away from my son though) and I remember its his birthday, feel; bad for forgetting, so then I'm busy trying to get our son to take the present to daddy, not rip the paper off himself etc etc then getting ready for work, getting everyone in the car.

 

Usual morning crap, then he phones me at work int he afternoon (I went outside and had a smoke) upset because I had forgotten to say happy birthday to him, and I thought I had, I mean I'm not a bitch. So I told him that, and he said he thought I might have deliberately not told him happy birthday, which got my back up because he has under-estimated me and assigned all sorts of negative character traits to me since I found out about this, I'm not 17 anymore I don't fly off the handle like I did when I was still chock full of hormones. but I was pissed off so I said "What about my birthday last year where a week before I got "I love you but I'm not sure I'm in love with you"? ( As far as I can figure this conversation was right before he started screwing OW and he had taken it back a week and a bit later- after my bday- and seemed to be making an effort...?) Or Christmas, or valentine's day or mother's day?"

 

So he apologised and then said he couldn't think it was deliberate me not saying Happy Birthday because my gift had clearly required some thought- which it had and I suck at presents usually but I bought this a month ago- might have been a different story if I'd bought it in the last week.

 

Then he said something about us trying and I said "There is no trying, not while you're involved with OW. And what's the deal with the 3-6 month lease? You're going to keep screwing her for 3-6 months then dump her, and come back to me? does the poor bitch know that?" And he was "this isn't about her." and I said "Yes, while you're f**king her it is."

 

Then he was all "I didn't call you to get you upset and now you're winding yourself up, I know you don't like emotional scenes at work." (another story- but work is where I go to feel competent and professional and in control because for the other five days of the week I'm doing a good job- in the circumstacnes an excellent job- but I won't know if I've done a really good job as a parent until he's an adult- so I need work)

 

So I said "Has it occurred to you that we need to have some emotional scenes? Obvioulsy this isn't the time though so I'll see you tonight"- he picks our son up and then comes and gets me, I'm purchasing a second car seat so we don't have to do that from now on.

 

Anyway, we were cordial and polite in the car home, and he's gone back to work to do an all-nighter because he got chewed out for not having some stuff done, his workload is phenomenal at the moment- but its always that way just the nature of his profession, adn the amount of them who drink, do drugs and f around is higher than people think. But that's no excuse for the crap he's put me through, he said something about being miserable and unhappy on his birthday and I said "I'm sorry but you made choices and that's the result."

 

Anyway, whatever crap he has left here when he gets his place is getting boxed up and put in the shed. He can think what he likes, but I've reached the point where I'm not even sure I'd want to try. because would I just be selling myself short? I think my best friend is right when she says he thinks I'll just be there waiting for him when he decides he wants to come back.

 

Anyway, its late on this side of the globe. I really ahve to go to bed- work and then drinks tommorrow, Take care everyone.

[raincloud]

I have other threads,to amke a long story short: partner- EX PARTNER- had A, wouldn't give OW up, we have very young son, he's been in the house part-time, me driving myself mental over situation, realised I was driving myself mental and after seeing a psychologist today (who didn't say anything to me that I hadn't already told myself a thousand times) I sent him an email saying he needed to get his own place, that I knew it was over and I didn't want to hurt anymore. I sent an email because I had no idea if he was going to cry or get nasty and didn't want to deal with either.

Anyway, I sent this message quite a few hours ago now and have not heard from him. He did have a meeting with a psychologist himself this evening, and he may ahve decided for once in life not to work until midnight, so not seen it.

ANyway I don't want to call, send further emails or a text message... because I do mean it, I can't live this way and remain sane. So please, how do I resist the urge to call?

 

Haven't read the whole thread yet...

 

I know how you feel Melovator. I have told my husband twice, yes twice this past week that he could go - actually told him he could go be with OW. I told him that I couldn't live like this anymore.....he still is here....I don't think he fully gets me. I am currently drafting a letter to him with which I plan to put my wedding ring in. Maybe then he'll get it.

 

Hang in there Mel........

[Melovator]

Haven't read the whole thread yet...

 

I know how you feel Melovator. I have told my husband twice, yes twice this past week that he could go - actually told him he could go be with OW. I told him that I couldn't live like this anymore.....he still is here....I don't think he fully gets me. I am currently drafting a letter to him with which I plan to put my wedding ring in. Maybe then he'll get it.

 

Hang in there Mel........

 

If you write the letter and he still doesn't get how his refusal to end it with OW is causing you severe emotional pain, just pack his sh*t up. If he wants to be with you he gets rid of OW- otherwise get f'ed. That's what I've been telling myself. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they get to mess with your head and you have to stop them from doing it. There is nothing wrong with having boundaries, in fact I'm coming to the conclusion that they make you a better person because you're able to keep some of your emotional energy for yourself.

 

Whatever he's doing he's not thinking about you, so think about yourself- its not selfish its emotional survival. Again that's what I've been telling myself.

 

Stick to your guns raincloud, you don't deserve this pain but the only one who can stop it is you. It sucks because its like he broke you and now you've got put all the pieces back together. But some of my pieces are starting to stick together all the time now instead of falling off whenever I see him. Get the emotional space you need to stick yourself back together- its what's working for me... well at the moment...

[azianpride143]

What a jerk. Reminds me of my ex. She left a whole bunch of her clothes thinking that she will be coming back soon. She got a month to month lease on her apartment. She thought that I will roll out the welcome mat when she decides to come back. She never realized once you walk out that door there is no turning back.

 

When they have an affair you need to decide what course of action you want to take. But if you decide enough is enough. You need to move on with your life. You have to treat him like a co-parent if he still wants to be a father to your child. But that's all the respect you need to give him. That's all he deserves. You cut your ties and move on. You deserve better.

 

Hope it all works out for you....

[Melovator]

What a jerk. Reminds me of my ex. She left a whole bunch of her clothes thinking that she will be coming back soon. She got a month to month lease on her apartment. She thought that I will roll out the welcome mat when she decides to come back. She never realized once you walk out that door there is no turning back.

 

When they have an affair you need to decide what course of action you want to take. But if you decide enough is enough. You need to move on with your life. You have to treat him like a co-parent if he still wants to be a father to your child. But that's all the respect you need to give him. That's all he deserves. You cut your ties and move on. You deserve better.

 

Hope it all works out for you....

 

Enough is Enough! He doesn't get it and when he finally does get his own place any sh*t he leaves here is getting packed up and put in the shed. This might be OUR house but its MY home, I live here. He's applied for a few places but the rental market here is insanely tight- though given his income and profession he shouldn't have too many problems- it'd be different if I had to find somewhere: single mother with a child and two cats- might get lucky... yeah right.

 

He is a good father to our son- and I tell him that- but he could also be a great father if he wanted. WE have a regime of phone call times to do with our son that revolve around his (son's) routine. Though he(ex) did get shirty last night because I forgot to text at bed time- I had a friend over for dinner, the one I'm going away with and was busy talking to her. I do respect him as a co-parent- but let's face it I'm the first among parental equals, I do all the work, I'm the one who sets the boundaries and worries about what our son is eating. Its frustrating sometimes because he will take our son out and our son will be his charming rambunctious toddler self but well behaved for a toddler he's not out of control- in public anyway- and he'll be all "He's amazing- the most amazing and wonderful little person." and all I can think is "Yes but you're taking him out and then bringing him back, I have to do all the hard parenting slog here at home so that he is wonderful when you take him out."

 

That kind of sh*ts me, especially when I haven't been sleeping because our son is unsettled. But then, I was a partnered single mother before this and now I'm just a single mother- the only difference is that when I get out of bed in the middle of the night to see to my son the bed is cold when I get back. I'm feeling good still, occassional nano-second flashes of 'what the f am I doing?" but I'll be good in the end. I'm thinking that when we sell this house next year I might go on my trip to France then if I can get enough to be able to buy a new place and finance a holiday.The new place comes first though.

 

He'll always be in my life- but that doesn't mean he's part of my life anymore, what I do that's not related to our son is not his concern. I do deserve better, especially from someone who always said I was his best friend, which I always said was crap- you have a partner and you have a best friend, they serve different functions.

 

Anyway everyone that I've told I'm going away who knows about my current sitch the first thing out there mouths has been along these lines: "Get yourself a revenge root", "Go screw some guy", "You should get laid", "You're overdue for something different". Now I must admit that there's a tiny little part of me going, "Why the hell not" but most of me is going "I don't even really want to masturbate, why would I want sex?" Do other people find that everyone they know thinks the answer to getting over someone is to have sex with someone else. And if you did- did it work? I'm thinking indulging myself with shoes would probably give me greater gratification at the moment, I'm going to buy myself a really pretty pair and spend more on them than I've ever spent on shoes in my life (I like pretty things but I'm also conservative with spending- so some people laugh at what I consider to be a lot for a pair of shoes usually).

[azianpride143]

Revenge sex is never good. Your so much more better and stronger than that.

 

Some of my friends told me that as well. I just laughed it off. I don't see the point. When I'm ready for another relationship is when I'll be ready to have sex again. I remember watching a sex scene on cable and I had to turn it off since all I could picture was my ex having sex with this guy. Those things will pass as you start getting over the loss.

 

Right now you so filled with so much emotions. Go ahead and channel it. Go work out. Go splurge on yourself for once. You deserve it. You have to figure out a positive way of channeling all that emotion. Put all that energy to good use.

 

I just wish there was more women like you. The world will be a better place. Someday you will find the right guy and you'll just look back and laugh and wonder why you wasted your time with this jerk. Take the lessons you've learned from this relationship, to make it better for the next. Focus on yourself for once. Since now it's all about you. Just you and your kid. Enjoy the single life and better yourself.

[Melovator]

I don't see the point. When I'm ready for another relationship is when I'll be ready to have sex again.

 

See I don't know if I'll ever be ready for another 'relationship' again, I had four parents growing up, as a kid negotiating that emotional landscape was very difficult. Esp because my late stepmother had been my mother's best friend. I loved my stepmum, but some of the conversations as a kid... I don't know that I ever want the ex back but I know that I don't want him to be with OW because I don't want her around my child. I don't want my son to have to bear those conversations. If that's what happens I'll play nice because that's what my son will need me to do- not list his father in the address book as 'sh*thead' that kind of thing- not that there's any indication that he's getting serious with her but who knows what's going to happen?

 

Anyway, I'm not sure I want to bring a third or fourth party into my son's life. I don't know that it would be fair to him. So maybe just having lovers is the way to go, have them around when my son isn't and then they leave when he is. So if that's the way I'm thinking maybe I do find some random guy and ride him like a stallion until he's jelly.

 

 

I remember watching a sex scene on cable and I had to turn it off since all I could picture was my ex having sex with this guy. Those things will pass as you start getting over the loss.

 

I really don't care about the sex they had, I cared more about the emotional relationship they were/are having and the sex and emotional relationship I wasn't having. (Don't care about what I'm not getting from him now, he hasn't got it to give to me, what he's got he needs to give to our son and he's been doing that). See I'm nearly at three weeks and no sex and normally I start to get twitchy after two- how I lasted four months is beyond me- oh that's right I became uptight b*tch queen from hell!

 

Right now you so filled with so much emotions. Go ahead and channel it. Go work out. Go splurge on yourself for once. You deserve it. You have to figure out a positive way of channeling all that emotion. Put all that energy to good use.

 

I'm not feeling as emotionally turbulent, but I'm still churny inside. Painting the house has been good, soothing to the mind with a result I can see. This holiday is going to be good, even if I can already picture myself staggering out of the way of a tram on the way back to the hotel holding my new pretty shoes because my feet hurt- though maybe it'll be good because of that. And I have a definite goal for shopping, more of the me pre-son, no tan slacks that got described 'as the most normal thing you own' (the pants have now been sent to the salvos hopefully somebody who likes living in normal has a use for them).

 

I just wish there was more women like you. The world will be a better place.

If there were more women like me I'd be out of a job! You're making me blush, but I accept the compliment with grace (I've never been good with recieving compliments- giving is easy)

 

Someday you will find the right guy and you'll just look back and laugh and wonder why you wasted your time with this jerk. Take the lessons you've learned from this relationship, to make it better for the next. Focus on yourself for once. Since now it's all about you. Just you and your kid. Enjoy the single life and better yourself.

 

I don't know that I'll ever think I wasted the entire time spent with him, I would not be the person I am today without his influence, but the last two and a half months? That I'll probably wonder about. I know I'm going to be a better me, that I already am, and I'll keep getting better because I want to. And my son is the centre of my world, not the whole but the core, and he deserves me to be the best I can. I don't know, the world is new and strange...

[whichwayisup]

You're one strong woman M! Your fool of a husband will regret his choices one day and then he'll realize what he is about to throw away......

 

Definately co-parent together, put your son first - Even if he doesn't at times, atleast you will know inside your heart that you're the unselfish one.

 

And he was "this isn't about her." and I said "Yes, while you're f**king her it is."

 

It's all about HIM and his selfish desires, needs and his ego. One day when he realizes life isn't what he thought it was, when things go stale between him and the OW, all that excitement is gone, and when the affair turns into a 'real' relationship, is the time he'll come begging to come home and work it out with you. I hope for your sake you're done with him, happy enough to not need him and send him on his way - Alone.

 

My thoughts are with you, and take good care of yourself.

[azianpride143]

See I don't know if I'll ever be ready for another 'relationship' again, I had four parents growing up, as a kid negotiating that emotional landscape was very difficult.

 

Your just saying that now. But time will tell. When your ready you'll know. Finding someone is easy but finding the right one takes time.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure I want to bring a third or fourth party into my son's life. I don't know that it would be fair to him. So maybe just having lovers is the way to go, have them around when my son isn't and then they leave when he is. So if that's the way I'm thinking maybe I do find some random guy and ride him like a stallion until he's jelly.

 

I will not introduce a third party to my kids not unless it's truly serious.

 

I know I'm going to be a better me, that I already am, and I'll keep getting better because I want to. And my son is the centre of my world, not the whole but the core, and he deserves me to be the best I can. I don't know, the world is new and strange...

 

You are who you are because you refuse to take this life event lying down. You are strong and a good role model for your kid. Keep it up. We learn our lessons. Then we move on.

[Melovator]

It's all about HIM and his selfish desires, needs and his ego. One day when he realizes life isn't what he thought it was, when things go stale between him and the OW, all that excitement is gone, and when the affair turns into a 'real' relationship, is the time he'll come begging to come home and work it out with you. I hope for your sake you're done with him, happy enough to not need him and send him on his way - Alone.

 

Yes I know its about HIM, but if he's talking 'try again' her removal from his life is central to the debate. And I know that when the hormones wear off and he finds out that she's really emotionally high maintenance he'll freak. Just hope he doesn't get her knocked up before that happens... he'll end up in a mental home and my finances will be completely screwed, not to mention MY son's mental health.

 

Am I done? A friend suggested this was his 'intermezzo'/ intermission- all I can think is that I'm not staying for the second part of this sad drama then. We're over as far as a 'couple', we're still 'parents', but not 'mum and dad', its 'mum' and 'dad'. Which is sad for me, it was the last thing I ever wanted for any child of mine. I don't think I NEED him but part of me still WANTS him. But the HIM I want ain't there anymore.

 

The only HIM I want that IS there is really sex him, but that could just be because sex for me has only ever been with him. Hence my pondering whether I try to keep my inner sex goddess in check or whether I just let her out to party so I can seperate the HIM from sex and hopefully speed up the seperation of him from other parts of my twisted psyche...

 

I will not introduce a third party to my kids not unless it's truly serious.

 

No way! Met way too many of my newly divorced mother's newly divorced boyfriends. Aughh! Must repress memories of bad mullets and skinny ties... the 80's... must repress!

[Gunny376]

Thanks once again for your posts. This place is helping me a lot right now and I really appreciate it. I'm feeling really good today- positively giddy!

 

I've booked a weekend away in Melbourne with a friend (who ironically enough has been an on-again, off-again OW for several years- think its off-again but who knows? The guy screws with her head, and every time she's even the teensy bit vulnerable he senses it and is back again- which is why I tried to be so nice about his OW, I know my friend she's a nice person, but his OW- low self-esteem manipulative cow with nice tits) and am very excited. We're going to shop and be boozy wenches.

 

I've sorted out some issues at work that were really stressing me out, I'm going to do a life drawing class starting in a couple of weeks and I'm going to learn french in preparation for a trip to France I plan to take in a year or so's time. Always wanted to learn french, only got the option of German and Japanese in high school...

 

I'm going to apply to do a masters degree starting next year and in the meantime I've got the house renovations to get on with and a wonderful son to love even if he's reached the terrible two's a few months early (the only word I hear is 'no' or else 'no way').

 

So I'm feeling good, in control of myself for the first time since I got pregnant. So his birthday- he got here late- he's always late, and he called on the phone to see if I wanted anything from the shops. So I tell him I do and I'm going to hang up and he asks why I get off the phone so quickly and I tell him because he and I have nothing else to talk about. And he starts up with the friend thing so I say 'while you're involved with her we can't be friends because you'll alway lie about it and honesty and respect are the basis of any relationship including friendship, and if you're lying to me, then you don't respect me. So we're not friends.' Then we actually had a bit of a talk, until he said "I've been sitting in driveway for ten minutes, sorry I haven't got the milk."

 

So he came in, and we talked a bit more and he said he'd called about a couple of furnished units but that he was only going to take a three -six month lease as he didn't see that the arrangement of him being out the house would be permanent and that he was only going to take his clothes and leave the rest of his stuff here and come and grab stuff if he wanted it. I'm like 'huh?' in my head- that's not what I said, and its like he doesn't get it. But I didn't say anything because then he said he'd tell his mother because he knows his getting his own place will upset her! So I had to say to him "Your mother has been telling me that I shouldn't be doing your washing, or cooking for you and that I shouldn't have to put up with your c**p."

 

So this morning his birthday, son wakes up, go through usual routine, except he's sitting ont he couch with our son so I go and get the paper and have a cigarette (I quit when I found out I was pregnant and started again when I found out about A- so I know I can quit but right now... I need those nicotine bon-bons- out of the house away from my son though) and I remember its his birthday, feel; bad for forgetting, so then I'm busy trying to get our son to take the present to daddy, not rip the paper off himself etc etc then getting ready for work, getting everyone in the car.

 

Usual morning crap, then he phones me at work int he afternoon (I went outside and had a smoke) upset because I had forgotten to say happy birthday to him, and I thought I had, I mean I'm not a bitch. So I told him that, and he said he thought I might have deliberately not told him happy birthday, which got my back up because he has under-estimated me and assigned all sorts of negative character traits to me since I found out about this, I'm not 17 anymore I don't fly off the handle like I did when I was still chock full of hormones. but I was pissed off so I said "What about my birthday last year where a week before I got "I love you but I'm not sure I'm in love with you"? ( As far as I can figure this conversation was right before he started screwing OW and he had taken it back a week and a bit later- after my bday- and seemed to be making an effort...?) Or Christmas, or valentine's day or mother's day?"

 

So he apologised and then said he couldn't think it was deliberate me not saying Happy Birthday because my gift had clearly required some thought- which it had and I suck at presents usually but I bought this a month ago- might have been a different story if I'd bought it in the last week.

 

Then he said something about us trying and I said "There is no trying, not while you're involved with OW. And what's the deal with the 3-6 month lease? You're going to keep screwing her for 3-6 months then dump her, and come back to me? does the poor bitch know that?" And he was "this isn't about her." and I said "Yes, while you're f**king her it is."

 

Then he was all "I didn't call you to get you upset and now you're winding yourself up, I know you don't like emotional scenes at work." (another story- but work is where I go to feel competent and professional and in control because for the other five days of the week I'm doing a good job- in the circumstacnes an excellent job- but I won't know if I've done a really good job as a parent until he's an adult- so I need work)

 

So I said "Has it occurred to you that we need to have some emotional scenes? Obvioulsy this isn't the time though so I'll see you tonight"- he picks our son up and then comes and gets me, I'm purchasing a second car seat so we don't have to do that from now on.

 

Anyway, we were cordial and polite in the car home, and he's gone back to work to do an all-nighter because he got chewed out for not having some stuff done, his workload is phenomenal at the moment- but its always that way just the nature of his profession, adn the amount of them who drink, do drugs and f around is higher than people think. But that's no excuse for the crap he's put me through, he said something about being miserable and unhappy on his birthday and I said "I'm sorry but you made choices and that's the result."

 

Anyway, whatever crap he has left here when he gets his place is getting boxed up and put in the shed. He can think what he likes, but I've reached the point where I'm not even sure I'd want to try. because would I just be selling myself short? I think my best friend is right when she says he thinks I'll just be there waiting for him when he decides he wants to come back.

 

Anyway, its late on this side of the globe. I really ahve to go to bed- work and then drinks tommorrow, Take care everyone.

 

Hi! Welcome to LS ~ I'm Gunny376 ~ one of the more mellow chaps around here!

 

First off?! Its entirely possible to be in "in love" with someone that you don't even like!

 

Next is the fact that you've got to respect yourself before you can expect anyone else to respect you.

 

You've got to set your bounderies with people. They can only treat your azz like a doormat ~ if you let them! Just that plain ~ just that simple.

 

In a marriage ~ just like in a job their are minor, major, and intollerable offenses! Scroggin someone else is an intollerable offenes in my book! Not that I really give a damn ~ I know I can find myself someone else ~ but there's all those VD's out there that I don't need!

 

You need to grab the bull by the horns and take some serious action~ You need to tell this guy that his azz is out of gas! Pack his trash up, put it out by the curb, get an RO, and change the locks on the door! When he asks in his whinny azz voice where he is to stay, tell him he can go sleep in a hollow log, drink muddy water, and eat road kill for all you care!

 

Forget this guy! Your simply going throug an emotional "withdrawal" from having been attached to him! Where in the Hell did you get it in your head that this this the "only" man there was on the planet? The freaking planet is covered up with them ~ there's no shortage of them ~ there's only about 3 billion other men around. Where did you get it in your head that this guy is the freanking end all to end all when it comes to men?

 

Damnit! You were looking for a good man when you found this piss-poor POS of a man ~ and by God ~ you can be looking when you lose him! Why are your dragging this dead-horse SOB around with everywhere you go?

 

He's not part of the solution! He part of the problem, He's not part of the answer? He's a hugh part of the question? He's not an asset ~ he's a freaking liability!

 

You want a good man ~ take your azz down to the United States Marine House for the American Embassy ~ Melbourne is the Number #1 requested posting for embassy Marines. Why? Because the "word" is out about how appreciative Aussie women are of a good man!

 

Its true that the number of women outnumber men in Austrailia ~ because of WWII ~ Korea ~ Vietnam (Americans weren't the only ones in those wars ~ the Aussies payed a heavy price!!!!!) and as a result men treat women like crap ~ but once you get geographical about it, open your mind to the possibilities ~ your options are endless!

 

Dump this POS and go find you a real man, that is willing to love one woman for a lifetime!