stop me from using the phone....

[azianpride143]

Fuxx buddies reminds of the 40 year old virgin. That was a cool song. I still think Apologize - One Republic is more appropriate...

[Melovator]

I prefer: Bandages by Hot Hot Heat:

 

Once these damn emotional bandages come off I'm gunna be beautiful!

 

But the song that I sing a lot at the moment is this piece of perfection by the white stripes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGxVHaBFCqs

 

There's a man whose known big pain...

[Melovator]

X messing with my head again, hopefully its just momentary. Things have been very cordial between us, he still wants to sleep with me though, and then this evening he called for the nightly report and its clear he's out somewhere and while he's asking about our son, some woman starts talking loudly in the background, so he says gotta go, then he calls back five minutes later (somewhere quieter) and he's talking about a movie he went and saw (shock horror- not working for once! He had our son all day yesterday too...) and I say "Yeah I want to go see that this week." and he says "Yeah see it, I should have taken you, you would have enjoyed it."

There's been a few of these comments recently... then he asked about my great big family drama that's been happening, which I've told him is none of his concern, its just my f**ked up family and I don't want to be involved so I'm certainly not asking him to be. My mother contacted him... don't get me started on how so very wrong this is on so many levels... But he's all concerned and solicitous.

I'm trying to be all 'Don't give a rat's ass- get out of my head 'f-tard''. but its like he keeps finding little strings and pulling on them.

I'm doing very well in the self-improvement stakes, good diet and regular exercise, cut back on coffee, haven't shaken the nicotine habit just yet... (New Year's maybe I'll smoke like three packs and wake up with that 105 year old smokers cough that tears your rib cage open and the mouth that feels like a bushfire swept through it... and go no more! I've quit before I can do it again.) Getting excited about work, despite the sheer mountain of it I have to climb at the moment.

I keep telling myself "Over, over, over..." over and over again, then he tugs... Well hopefully he'll do something really f-tardy soon...

[Melovator]

I've been very busy, but good busy, organising my house, my career, my health and my life. Last week was a bad week, if none of this **** had happened I'd have been celebrating my first wedding anniversary and if I hadn't had the miscarriage I'd been due to have baby no. 2. But that's all past and nothing to be done about it, so I just stuck my head down, kept busy, avoided the urge to send off rude emails or call X in the middle of the night to tell him what a pr*ck he is and kept going (easy to do with sick child, the work doesn't stop, not so easy when you then catch his cold again).

 

And I ended the week on a high- had a great meeting with my 'Big Boss', ie my boss' boss who was really excellent with strategies for positioning myself because in a few years its being predicted and its starting now, a lot of you Baby Boomers out there aren't going to want to completely retire but aren't going to want to quit work either, so they'll step down to less senior positions, go part-time and create job-share opportunities, etc.etc. Anyway, she said to me at the end of my interview "There's no reason why you can't do it, you're intelligent, educated, have worked across a number of key areas, you're good with people, why let someone else have the job you want?"

 

And she's right, I've held back from applying for positions in the past because someone else I knew was going for it and I never thought I was good enough compared to other people. Now I think- why let others slide into a position when I'm working for it? So I was feeling great yesterday, absolutely fantastic, I was looking great in this fab dress I picked up for a bargain and I mean a bargain (I like to look good but dislike wasting money on clothes), one of my collegues suggested that I should go out and "pull some rough trade" -imagine said in a very proper tone by a woman of mature years and its funny.

 

Anyway I happened to run into an acquaintance who told me some interesting things about X and his whatever she is, normally I'd have been 'don't want to know' but I was in a mood where it was like I don't care if they're gettinng married, bring it on, I can take it. Apparently her STBXH is still madly, deeply in love with her, heart crushed that their divorce is happening, still wants her to have his babies etc. etc. etc. Meanwhile X and her were going to be going on a holiday together but X changed his mind and told her he needed to have some space and time to himself, she's pissed about that plus there's some other tensions and she's getting very needy. Apparently she's also been checking his phone and email and made a crack that now he had a camera on his computer she could check up on him all day!

 

Psycho! I never did this- I found the original SMS because my son was playing with X's phone and yes I read about 10 emails two days after I found out- felt like an absolute sh*t about violating his privacy too so I stopped reading after 10 minutes. I never went through his wallet looking for stuff. Aughh what a horrible way to have a relationship!

 

He's not living with her and is indeed still spending a most nights of the week in hotels, has no clean clothes (though this he told me himself) and yes I'm a bad bad girl but I slept with him again (a few days ago before I found all this out and no I wasn't drunk just horny and stupid- I need to not have sex with him so then I will want to seriously go out on the pull and not avoid opportunities to do so.)

 

It all makes me want to laugh - except the first bit about her husband its been a year since they seperated and he's still in love with her? What kind of number has she done on his head? Poor bloke, I always thought from what I'd heard about him that he was a really nice guy.

 

I'm trying to repress my feelings of Schadenfreude but I had to let them sneak out somewhere and LS is it. hee hee! I think I'm going to get that popcorn popper Lady Jane suggested on another thread (sorry forgotten which) this tragedy has become a comedy and I really like to laugh.

[Melovator]

Okay so I'm sick- gastro presumably picked up from childcare by my DS and given as a present to Mummy's already stressed out immune system. So I call X's mother and ask if she can watch DS (Who is bouncy and bright and no gastro thank god!) and she decides to take him to her place overnight- she arrived and I got told to pack a bag for DS. This was yesterday and I'm better, still not 100% but DS will be back from Nanna's this arvo.

 

But X has been calling to check how I am every couple of hours, he's going away on his holiday today (just getting in the car and driving somewhere with water he says) and he was all "Well I'm not going if you're not well." and I was like "Whether I'm sick or not is nothing for you to worry about anymore unless it affects our son, I've made arrangements with your mum, he's taken care of, go on your bloody holiday. My health is not your concern."

And he says "That's not true, you'll always be my concern."

I didn't know what to say to that so I just said "Go on your holiday, you need it, do what Frankie says and relax."

And he says in this little voice, "Yeah it will be nice to get some me time."

So I told him "have fun." and said goodbye.

 

And in the last few days he's started using diminutives and nicknames again e.g "Melo" instead of my full name, and when he came to get some books to read to take away he was going through the massive pile (renovations mean books are not on shelves) and he was "I can't wait until these all go back on the shelves so I can find what I want." And I've TOLD him like five times at least that his books are not going back on the shelves that they're getting sorted and mine are going on the shelves and his are going into boxes.

 

And there was a whole thing with a blown fuse where he was going to drive 20 minutes here to fix a fuse and seemed dissapointed when I changed the fuse myself- its not like changing a fuse is an intellectual or physical challenge! Sheesh I'm renovating the house ON MY OWN for Chrissakes!!!

 

Then the other night he kissed me goodnight and he knew I was confused by it because he came in slowly and I just stood there gob-smacked and then hussled him out the door. And when he's playing with our son every so often he'll look up to see what I'm doing and if I'm watching- its funny because he has the same expression as our son when he does it "Are you watching me? See how good I'm being."

 

Then there's the sex thing- which I've been pretty explicit about making sure its on my terms and designed for MY pleasure not his- but he's all "Oh my god that's the best orgasm I've had in months. When can we do it again?"

 

And I think its just because I'm unwell that I'm wondering whereas before getting sick I was all "It's all about me" now I'm thinking about him again- stupid brain. Thank god he's gone for a week! Someone please come and pour a great big reality dump truck over the tiny glimmerings of hope I'm feeling and tell me this is just more typical f**ktard behaviour and I should expect something nasty to happen soon.

[Ladyjane14]

Someone please come and pour a great big reality dump truck over the tiny glimmerings of hope I'm feeling and tell me this is just more typical f**ktard behaviour and I should expect something nasty to happen soon.

 

Sorry... can't do it. I just love the way you format your words, and couldn't blame a man for being completely pole-axed. You're such a hoot.

The man MUST be an absolute idiot to even entertain the possibility of losing you. Hmmmm.... I think I just proved he IS indeed a "f*cktard".

[Melovator]

Sorry... can't do it. I just love the way you format your words, and couldn't blame a man for being completely pole-axed. You're such a hoot.

The man MUST be an absolute idiot to even entertain the possibility of losing you. Hmmmm.... I think I just proved he IS indeed a "f*cktard".

 

Damn it Lady Jane I really need the big dumptruck- though the flattery is very nice.

 

I'm not going to think about him, he's away but has taken work with him- I'd had some hopes he might actually relax but no. He's the "I've just broken my leg but I'm going to work before I go to the hospital" type.

 

Maybe he forgot how great I was because I forgot how great I was, but I bloody know how good I am now and I know how much better I can get and I'm a gal with high personal standards. And thinking about him is not me being great, its me being waiting, hoping, whiny, 'come back to me' bi-atch.

 

And no way I'm being her ever again! Life don't wait. He wants to have a conversation with me, that's his business. But I'm not analysing every single random action of his anymore and trying to puzzle out where they all fit.

 

I mean for all I know him and her made it up and they're celebrating her divorce, not that he sounded like a man whooping it up, tired and stressed was the tone I got.

 

But bugger him! After the "When can we do that again?" comment I said "If we keep doing this there is no moving on for me." And his reply was "I don't think there is any moving on." WTF!

 

Damn him! I am fabulous! And he isn't man enough for me anyway. Plus he's put on a lot of weight because he eats crap and doesn't exercise, yet he insists on wearing a belt so he gets a muffin top. And he has more grey in his hair- its noticeable now- not that grey hair is unnattractive...

 

Alright re-engaging The Waifs 'The Haircut' philosophy (Aussie band):

So now when I make love I make love to myself

I got no disease so it's good for my health

I got my hands in my pants down my calvin kleins

I dont need you no more baby, I can come every time

 

Of course I realise that as long as he's away it's easy for me to stick to this... Strong, Independent, Boundaries- that's how I want to be, not weak, dependent and a pushover. BUGGER HIM!!!

[mammax3]

I've been thinking about your post all day, Melo.

 

You don't want him back. You could never be a tired whiny bi-atch without wondering if this was driving him away to the arms of a plastic no-personality woman. That's not realistic and he's not much of a man for wanting you when you're all together and confident but ditching you when you need him.

 

I've read that men often want their mate back when she starts to get herself back together but how cool is that? Not at all, in my book. Partners don't get to be 'fair weather friends'. It's all or nothing, Melo!

 

I don't know how you can do the 'unattached' sex thing. I'm not a prude but I can't imagine not getting emotionally involved. As a result though, it's been 5 months without a man - longest I've gone in 11 years.. It sure would be nice! But I'm not ready for that sort of involvment yet! Gimme a few more months! Anyway, good for you for keeping it casual. But is there a difference between 'using' him for your own physical pleasure and using him for emotional fulfilment? And where does the using stop and need begin? The conversation he's seeking is really no different than seeking sex, it's just on a different plane (vertical instead of horizontal )

[Melovator]

Bugger him, he emotionally dumped me and got involved with another woman while I was making the emotional/ mental transition to motherhood- one would think carrying a baby and giving birth would be enough of a transition but it isn't and I know you know what I mean Mammax! And I was doing 95% of the physical labour and 100% of the emotional (and still am). I had no car, no internet, I was all alone because everyone I know lives forty minutes away (the other side of the planet as far as people in this town are concerned!) and I bloody did it on my own and did it well with only an illusion of emotional support from him.

 

And when I pulled my head out of the ass end of the motherhood transition and was ready to take on the world, all I got from him was the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" conversation which dumped me from "Sh*t I'm great." to whiney bi-atch. And I got stuck there until I found out he was scrogging plastic girl. Then I knew what was wrong! and I was all ready to start a whole NEW relationship, because these things happen and if you want you can work to make your relationship better than ever. But for all his talk of try he didn't and then plastic girl kept calling and emailing and finally ended up in hospital with her minor female health crisis (hello!! had a miscarriage here!) which drew him right to her.

 

So bugger him. I hope she keeps squeezing... 'cause I've now heard that she's 'letting slip' about their relationship all over the place, as if half this city don't already know!

 

The sex- emotion thing... its why I don't let him talk during it and why I avoid talking afterwards, so I can treat him like a piece of meat. He said "I've just been used!" and my reply was "Yes, now get into your own bed." And to be honest I don't think he's getting what he really wants in bed from her, but that's his problem now.

 

I am, not to be big headed, great in bed- I don't have the greatest body on earth- though much sexier now thanks to the stress diet- but once the clothes come off who cares? Just have some fun! He wants to give up great sex with the mother of his child, who is also a domestic goddess, all round nice person, intellectual, funny and who was totally devoted to him for a materialistic, maniupulative slapper that's his bad luck.

 

No hang on... he doesn't want to give up the sex, just the relationship. No bugger him, no sex for him.

 

But, for me, its like quitting smoking- sometimes you need a patch- and so more effort will now be made by me into securing a 'f**k buddy' just so I won't sleep with X. I have a couple of men in mind, all of whom I've been avoiding and one of them knows it.

 

I'd love to have sex with love but that ain't going to be happening for me in the forseeable future and I don't really want a relationship any time soon, I just want semi-regular sex. Doesn't mean I probably won't cry after the first time I finally sleep with someone else but hopefully I can get my ass out the door before I break down.

 

You know what this is? The more I find out about HER the more I can't understand why he'd want to leave me for that. Because I KNOW I'm the superior product -good value for money, whereas she's all pretty packaging and optional extras.

 

Have to go to work now.

[Gunny376]

Scroggin? I wonder where you learned that word from?

 

You don't sound as though you need a man, not in the sense of supporting yourself and your children ~ you come across as being very capable of taking care of yourself and your children very well without a man ~ Thank you, very much!

 

Un-like many posters here, I've been to the Land of Down Under, and I know how the men treat their women. They think they can do so because of the ratio of men to women, (Sidebar ~ because of the Boar Wars, WWI, WWII, The Korean War, and the Vietnam War there are way more women than men)

 

Aussie women love American men because we don't treat them like your ex does you.

 

Forget this loser. And, don't settle for just any man, nor a scroggin buddy. I've know a couple of Brother Marines that married gals from Aussieland and NZ, and they're most outstanding wives and mothers.

 

Hell! They're just awesome women!

[livebuzzwords]

Oh don't it hurt deep inside

To see someone do something to her

Oh don't it pain to see someone cry

How especially if that someone is her

 

Silence is golden, but my eyes still see

Silence is golden, golden, but my eyes still see

Talking is cheap people follow like sheep

Even though there is no where to go

How could she tell he decieved her so well

Pity she'll be the last one to know

 

How many times will she fall for his lines

Should I tell her or should I be cool

And if I tried I know she'd say I lied

Mind your business don't hurt her you fool

 

Silence is golden, but my eyes still see

Silence is golden, golden, but my eyes still see

[Melovator]

Scroggin? I wonder where you learned that word from?

Its a great word Gunny makes me laugh just to think it!

 

You don't sound as though you need a man, not in the sense of supporting yourself and your children ~ you come across as being very capable of taking care of yourself and your children very well without a man ~ Thank you, very much!

 

Well yeah, I never needed him to take care care of me, what I wanted was to have a shared vision of the future with a partner who was willing to do the work together that future necessitated. Cue uplifting music and montage of me and X cheerfully slogging through the hardest bit of our lives, talking and laughing and sharing the load...

 

I was doing my share, I supported his a$$ and mine for two years while his business took off, I was doing all the domestic work and child rearing because I knew how busy he was working to support us plus I was working part-time because I didn't want to feel like a complete economic leech! And had felt bad for the nine months I was on unpaid leave... though that was not helped by the "You just see me as a walking wallet." comment, which I damn well know was unwarranted and was a woman's (Scrog-gal) comment at that rowr! - I pride myself on bargains, have never been an emotional shopper, and to be honest would rather put my money into my mortgage before interest rates go back to the late 80's!

 

 

Un-like many posters here, I've been to the Land of Down Under, and I know how the men treat their women. They think they can do so because of the ratio of men to women, (Sidebar ~ because of the Boar Wars, WWI, WWII, The Korean War, and the Vietnam War there are way more women than men)

 

Its true that a high ratio of women to men does allow the blokes to engage in f**ktardy behaviour. I'm fond of Australis Masculinis though, even if he can be a bit rough around the edges sometimes. The trick is to laugh with him, at him- I believe this ability of Australians to take the p*ss out of ourselves is our most important national characteristic and needs to be maintained at all costs! I find my own stupidity immensely funny!

 

Aussie women love American men because we don't treat them like your ex does you.

 

Forget this loser. And, don't settle for just any man, nor a scroggin buddy. I've know a couple of Brother Marines that married gals from Aussieland and NZ, and they're most outstanding wives and mothers.

 

Hell! They're just awesome women!

 

I could think of many, many reasons why the women of the Antipodes are great and have a big rah rah session, but there's the same f**ked up bi-atches here too as everywhere else... I can just pride myself on not being one of them. When we're good down here, we're real good, but when we're bad, we're just as rotten as anyone else.

 

I wish I could forget this loser, I've been whistling "Wash that man out of my hair.", chanting "Its over, its over, its over." when he pops into my head, reminding myself of what a f**ktard he is every time someone says "He's gunna come back to you." I mentally draw devil's horns and a goatee on him when he's talking to me so I don't meet his eyes.

 

Yet when I do look at him, I see a man that I love falling apart. And my instinct is to... not mother him- he has a lovely mother... more like slap him across the face and say "Will you pull your head out of your a$$ and grow up F**ktard?! It is time to get serious here!"

 

But that's EXACTLY what he's running from.

 

I don't plan on settling for any man, I'd truly rather be alone than feel I was settling. I like me, I can be quite good company, I don't need to have someone else around just to be comfortable with myself.

 

I just really, really, really, really, really, dislike the thought of doing without sex. It's stupid because its like I've been told I've got lung cancer and I'm still smoking anyway! Now I like to think that if I ever did get told that- I would quit smoking, but have I really stopped? No!

 

Dear LiveBuzzWords thank you for the beautiful words. I know I have to keep reminding myself not to believe a single word he says.

[Melovator]

So I've been doing more decluttering, clearing the cr@p out of my house. Feel like I'm detoxing or something. Keep finding things... phone bills, credit card receipts, he would just put them places and then forget about them... so I stopped scanning them after the first two because it was like hitting myself in the head with a 2x4.

 

Everything of his is now out of sight. Especially the books. I have a weird thing about books, they say a lot about who you are as a person and our books looked great together- we looked 'cool'- geeky intellectual cool but cool. So I was looking at the books I could fit on the one bookshelf I can use right now it was mostly fiction. Non fiction has been put in various other places for the time being. And my books still look cool, not quite as cool, but when those d@mn shelves are finally in place I'll now have room to 'decorate' not just store and then they'll look really cool.

 

I'm cooler without him- well my friends think so anyway and they're the ones that count right now right? I just feel like I'm constantly fighting a battle against Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's 'mean reds' and Winston Churchill's black dog. I get scared and I have to talk myself through that and then I have the moments of mental blackness where it feels like it would be easier to sink than swim...

 

My son has been watching 'Finding Nemo" so I must have heard "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" a thousand times in the last week while we've both been sick. And then there's my son no way I can be depressed with that monkey on the loose... but it would be so easy so just sink. But that's what my mother did and look at the 'lifeline' she grabbed onto- 22 years of drunken f**ktardery and then she grabs onto someone who is 22!

 

I guess I'm just tired of having to 'be strong' especially because its still X's voice in my head telling me because that's all I heard for two years "I need you to be strong for me, this craziness (work) will settled down in a couple of weeks, a couple of days..." never did. Sometimes I just want to sit and not get up but then darling son starts trashing the DVD's... better go he's laughing about it... I will be okay just... depleted... and I don't really talk to anyone else about this stuff... except my psychologist and my GP. One of whom I saw a couple of days ago and the other I'm seeing in a couple of days.

[mammax3]

Hi Melo.

It sounds like you're doing everything you can right now to just keep swimming and I think you're doing awesome! You're making some big and important decisions (no more "FWB" type encounters), focussing on yourself, decluttering (hugely helps!), focussing on your son and staying away from the drink. It is hard but it gets easier!

 

I'm here (on the other side of the world, but still!) reading your posts and hearing you get strong and independant. You're making it cool girl!

 

[Gunny376]

Grrrrrr!!!!!!

 

OOOOOhaaahahad!

 

Oooooraaaahrard!

 

OOOOoooo!

 

 

:love::love:

[Gunny376]

Sorry!

 

I've got A thing for Aussie Women!

 

They drive me crazy!

[Melovator]

Thanks for the cheers Mammax. You're doing amazing I can only read in awe!

 

Gunny you make me blush... but in a good way. I know I'm doing more than okay if you're in my corner.

 

X just called for a progress report on our son, he's still away-X that is- son is better. And he just... hangs in the conversation... like he's going to say something... so I just cheerily say good bye and hang up. I'm not sitting on the end of the line while he says nothing. I think he's going to sh*t when he sees I've packed everything of his away but I don't really care!

 

Bugger him! Bugger him! Bugger him! I'll be all good eventually its just looking up the hill and going "I have to climb that? Bugger that's high, sure you don't want a cuppa first?" but I have to climb the bloody hill or get stuck in my own cr@p.

 

I'm bloody great and once I get through the 'cold turkey' craving phase of no sex with X (or anyone else either...) I'm sure I'll be even better. Yes I have all this cr@p -physical stuff and mental- to sort through but I already feel like I've made sense of a lot of stuff even if I now have to just DEAL with it.

[Melovator]

Hmmm, the 'dealing' with stuff- not going so hot right now. Feel like I'm emotionally vomiting all over the place. Just feel STRESSED! Visit to Psychologist helped some but I'm feeling very messy. Keeping contact with X short and to the point- though he sounds very grumpy for a man near the end of his holiday. He has bought me a present he told me, said something along the lines of "You can see what you think about it." ???? No idea, as soon as we hit the conversation lag point I say goodbye.

 

When does this all stop being so bloody hard? I'm tired of hard- my neck muscles and jaw are tired of hard and if ever get around to seeing the dentist he's going to think I'm a tweaker or something! Why can't I just go- "Be banished from my thoughts thou who art lower than pond scum!" and just be over him? Stupid brain stop thinking!

[mammax3]

It is hard Melo. And it'll keep being hard for a while yet. You're doing great especially as he's making it extra tough on you by trying to be sweet and all mushy all over you (my sitch is 'easy' since he's gone and not looking back! No lingering phone calls or teasing hints at presents bought)! You're doing it and it'll only get easier until you find your stride. The mountain is HIGH! and no path is laid out.

 

Sounds like a kid's up. Take care, Melo. Be strong.

[Gunny376]

Hmmm, the 'dealing' with stuff- not going so hot right now. Feel like I'm emotionally vomiting all over the place. Just feel STRESSED! Visit to Psychologist helped some but I'm feeling very messy. Keeping contact with X short and to the point- though he sounds very grumpy for a man near the end of his holiday. He has bought me a present he told me, said something along the lines of "You can see what you think about it." ???? No idea, as soon as we hit the conversation lag point I say goodbye.

 

When does this all stop being so bloody hard? I'm tired of hard- my neck muscles and jaw are tired of hard and if ever get around to seeing the dentist he's going to think I'm a tweaker or something! Why can't I just go- "Be banished from my thoughts thou who art lower than pond scum!" and just be over him? Stupid brain stop thinking!

 

He knows he's screwed up the best thing he's ever had going for him! He tore it up, and threw it inyour face!+

[Gunny376]

It is hard Melo. And it'll keep being hard for a while yet. You're doing great especially as he's making it extra tough on you by trying to be sweet and all mushy all over you (my sitch is 'easy' since he's gone and not looking back! No lingering phone calls or teasing hints at presents bought)! You're doing it and it'll only get easier until you find your stride. The mountain is HIGH! and no path is laid out.

 

Sounds like a kid's up. Take care, Melo. Be strong.

 

Spartain women? Got to love them!

[Gunny376]

We'll get your azz through this s*** Mel and MamaMax! JUST don't give up on yourself! Stay strong ~ all Day strong!

 

Be there for those Babies!

 

All I ask is for one more second, one more minute, one mour hour! His azz may not be there for you, But?

 

 

I am!

[Melovator]

Thanks guys, having a bad ... hour, day, week, year etc...

 

Its all just this stupid family stuff colliding with this with X. I feel like I'm functioning but f**ked up. So I just keep telling myself to function. That I am not my mother and I am not going to live her f**ked up life. And I just need to root out all the twisted little weeds that are still floating around inside my brain thanks to her, and all the ones that were otherwise put there as well.

 

Went for a walk with darling son lots of trees and birds and the wattle is out- I like wattle- its cheery, pulled weeds, painted house some more. Son is now in bed so I'm going to have a shower, paint my nails and watch House- I so crush Hugh Laurie... that guy who used to be on Neighbours is alright but too pretty. Have some me time as it were.

 

I have work tommorrow which will be good- and I'm working a lot next week so that will be good too. I have things to do on the weekend to break everything up, though I will see X tommorrow night, not for very long. If I could just shake this damn cold I'm sure I'd be feeling a billion percent better...

[sumdude]

Hmmm, the 'dealing' with stuff- not going so hot right now. Feel like I'm emotionally vomiting all over the place. Just feel STRESSED! Visit to Psychologist helped some but I'm feeling very messy. Keeping contact with X short and to the point- though he sounds very grumpy for a man near the end of his holiday. He has bought me a present he told me, said something along the lines of "You can see what you think about it." ???? No idea, as soon as we hit the conversation lag point I say goodbye.

 

When does this all stop being so bloody hard? I'm tired of hard- my neck muscles and jaw are tired of hard and if ever get around to seeing the dentist he's going to think I'm a tweaker or something! Why can't I just go- "Be banished from my thoughts thou who art lower than pond scum!" and just be over him? Stupid brain stop thinking!

 

I hear ya Melo... You'll notice over time the bumps get smaller and smaller every day. Like ripples in the pool of your heart and psyche. Someone dropped a huge damn boulder in there, caused a tsunami and it'll take a while for the waters to calm down.

 

The contact thing is so crucial... I'm think my X has ESP.. One day I'll be feeling good ridin' high and she'll call out of the blue. Says she was thinking of me ... takes a day or two to get back where I was.

[Melovator]

Something really F**ked up is happening I've just got an anonymous email at work- from someone who clearly wants to upset me, X and the OW. It basically said she's obsessed with him, looking for houses, planning their wedding and that she had told people "X will leave Melo because she's a dumb fat bitch and then X will get custody because she's got mental problems." Basically that she was determined to get him and that she did but was still leading her H on until she was sure she had X. I have to see X in like 3 hours- I have deleted and purged the email- its clearly from someone who is disturbed but what do I say to X? if even an eighth of what this email said is true I'm bloody worried for him and for my son.

But I can't really say some anonymous psycho emailed me... What the hell do I do? This is just so bizarre!