stop me from using the phone....

[butterfly37]

Attitude

by Charles Swindoll

 

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is, we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our Attitudes."

 

[SillyScissors]

When you take your pill it ALL goes away. Like the ruby slippers

[Gunny376]

Attitude

 

by Charles Swindoll

 

 

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is, we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our Attitudes."

 

 

EXCALAITY!

 

BULLSEYE!

 

FREAKIN' "A"

 

DEAD "CENTER"

 

ITS ALL ONE DANCE AWAY ~ ITS ONE BELIEF AWAY!

 

DEAD-CENTER!

[Melovator]

Attitude is everything. And d@mmit my attitude is laugh! Life is ridiculous! To quote one my fave musicians, John Butler, "Life's not about what's better." Life's what you've got and I've got a thousand blessings large and small in my life. Just starting with my son, being middle class, educated, living in a first world country and knowing that I have all the tools in my grasp to get me through anything- all I have to do is use them. I have a feast laid out before me in terms of life, not a famine.

 

I am handling my life and its happening exactly how its meant to. X dumping my ass is going to be one of the best things that ever happened to me! Because I'm making it that way. Not to prove anything to anyone else- but because I can, because I'd rather act than merely be acted upon. Because I've met people who've been through way worse than this with cr@p with X and come out smiling and loving and joyous, that's how I want to be, how I am: I am smiling, I am loving, I am joyous.

 

I don't need a romantic relationship, I don't even want to want one right now. I'm just going to enjoy what relationships I've got, my son, my friends, the non-screwed up parts of my family... Life's not a sprint its a marathon, much as I wish I could pick up the pace. Mentally I'm two steps ahead of emotionally.

 

But the glass is always half full- Pollyanna wasn't such a fool...

[mammax3]

You rock, Melo! This type of attitude will totally see you and your son through this sh*t, and it's all roses on the other side! And it's because you're such a strong and fantabulous woman and mother.

 

What's been said in some of the other posts is totally true. Your X just couldn't handle such a wonderful, smart, awesome woman. Let him have some DID. If that's what he needs, then you don't need him.

 

And I hear ya on the mentally two steps of emotional. It takes a while for the heart to catch up to what the mind knows, it seems. Too bad, it'd be a LOT easier the other way! But I think it's important for events such as this to imprint on a person, and if it didn't hurt or require us to sit up and take notice, then we'd be missing out on a big piece of the puzzle. We are going to be happier, more loving (and lovable) people. We'll know ourselves and know what we need, and what we can give.

 

You're a model, Melo.

[butterfly37]

I'm having one of those "All is right with the world" moments. Thanks gals! I think the dark valleys are behind......

[Melovator]

Life is still great. X is... well... I don't know. I've got an opportunity to pick up some extra days at work: how is this relevent to my thread? Because of X's reaction when I told him I was thinking about it. He didn't freak, but he was trying very hard to not get all... upset. The following is not quite verbatim, but is accurate to best of my recall:

 

"There's no reason for you to do that, you don't have to worry about money- ever. I don't think that you don't realise how lucky you are to be able to be with our son all the time, I'm envious. There's no career reason for you why an extra day now would make a difference. I don't know why you're so gung ho about your career all of a sudden anyway? The plan was always for you to just be part-time until he went to school. What's changed now? He'd rather be with his mum than childcare and yes they're nice there but I just don't think its the best thing for him to be spending half the week there. Besides by the time childcare's paid for and you've moved up a tax bracket its going to cost money for you to work extra hours. You want to be with him I'm giving you that. I want that. I hope you're sensible enough to think about this and not just do it because I say not to. It's your decision of course, I really think you need to think about what's in our son's best interests. Just think of all you'd be missing."

 

It really was delivered as a monologue too, my reply was "Things change."

 

And he started again...

 

This is the man who left his family for another woman, the man who works sixteen hour days six days a week and only eight on Sundays and he wants me to think about what's best for our son?

 

X is not an a-hole about money, hasn't been once throughout this, to give him the credit he wants. But he knows how I feel about financial dependency, how I hate the thought of being an economic leech. I have been considering these extra hours simply so I can reduce my financial dependency upon him- or at the very least make more of a contribution to our interwtined finances, and its not quite acccurate that I'd be working for nothing, not a lot but not nothing.

 

I do want to spend as much time with my son as I can, and before I found out about OW, I could feel that I was contributing through my labour and love to the wellbeing of our family, that I was doing my share. But now... I dislike the thought of being beholden financially to him.

 

He's also been doing odd things, calling me at work just to see how I am when we'd seen each other just a few hours before (when he again jokingly suggested sex). He called me a while ago and ended up reminiscing about something that happened 13 years ago! The guy has a memory like a seive for anything not connected to his profession but he draws out clear images of a night 13 years ago! WTF?

 

Not sure what I'm going to do about work. Need to think about it some more...

[Ladyjane14]

I've got an opportunity to pick up some extra days at work: how is this relevent to my thread? Because of X's reaction when I told him I was thinking about it. He didn't freak, but he was trying very hard to not get all... upset.

 

STBXH has lost the right to get "upset" about how you choose to live YOUR LIFE. He walked. He doesn't get input anymore.

 

Next time the subject comes up, why not tell him it's not about the money... it's about getting out into the world of adults and MEETING PEOPLE. Then, tell him you put in an application at whatever local gym the hunky guys beef up in.

[Gunny376]

Work?

 

Son?

 

Choice? ~ Son!

 

I understand your concern?

 

I understand your situation with the X?

 

From the perspective of a 50 year old, looking back over the years?

 

Son! "Cat's in the Cradle" ~ "Son!"

 

Work to live ~ not live to work!

 

Take a fool's advice!

[sumdude]

Just as a cautionary thing.. I don't know how the laws work down under but here in the states the amount of money you make can change the amount of financial support you are awarded in the divorce.

 

MIght want to consider holding back till all papers are signed should things come to all that which it looks like.

[Melovator]

Okay so I'm not taking extra days at work, because I've agreed to be a co-ordinator for a group my son and I go to. Its not work per se, just setting up and cleaning up, which I do anyway because I only live around the corner and don't have to do the school drop-off for any older kids. And I love the women there- they're bloody fabulous. And I'd rather do that than extra days at work, its time with my son and volunteering all in one- no way extra paid work would give more satisfaction! Plus I have an angle I might be able to use for work purposes...

 

So let's segue into how it really is such a small world afterall- well at least where I live ain't such a big city at all. So I go into the coffee shop next to work to get an afternoon coffee hit and I'm chatting to the girl behind the counter who I'm quite friendly with and she goes "You're looking really good." so I made a joke about how the 'my partner left me for another woman' diet had worked for me, and she said "I hadn't realised that was why you'd broken up, my new boyfriend's just been through the same thing with his ex-wife, though she's denied to him that she's with the other guy." Anyway she says her boyfriends name, it sounded familiar and I asked "Is his ex called Scrog-gal?" (my LS name for her after Gunny)

 

And guess what - it was! :lmao::lmao:

 

Apparently she's (coffeshop woman) been seeing him (Scrog-gals XH) for a couple of months, taking it very slowly (she's completely lovely- no bullsh*t on her) went to her first family do with him on the weekend where she got told a number of times "You're better than Scrog-gal she always thought she was better than all of us, wouldn't give anyone the time of day, she's a cold, money hungry, b*tch."

 

(Meanwhile I've been specifically invited to Xmas lunch by X's sister! And his family are all making it very clear to me and him that I'm still part of their family no matter what- god I love them- don't what I'd do without them- they even annoy me in the same way your family annoys you at times you know?)

 

Apparently all of Scrog-gal and her ex's arguments were 1) about money and his income not meeting her expectations and 2) him not spending enough time with her- because he was working at his business around the clock to make more money for her! This I'd already gathered- that thing she likes her bling (I know she's not really a thing it just rhymes).

 

Well now she's got X- the man determined to work more hours than is possibly human! Yes he's got a nice income, hope her bling keeps her happy! What's funny though is he's not money obsessed, he works so much because he's into his work, its just an added bonus that it pays well, he personally does not see the point in accumulating money for the sake of it, he enjoys the things he can do with it, but he's also very generous as well.

 

And yes, I do fully expect money to become an issue with X because of her, I know my bottom line if he goes down the road of complete f**ktardery, I'll get by, broke don't scare me I spent a lot of years living there and now I know things I didn't know then and can do broke a lot better than I did while a student.

 

Also found out X and Scrog-gal started doing it 2 weeks earlier than I had thought not that it means anything except that now I have no reason to think of Scrog-gal as having some minor amount of class- she hadn't left her husband when her and X started screwing.

 

The flirty guy at the coffeeshop was laughing with us and he goes "People talk about 6 degrees of seperation, that's cr@p in this place it's like 2."

 

On another note X was talking to me about some work he was doing with someone else (who's been divorced 3 times and may be working on his 4th) and he said "He always asks how you are doing. You know you've been really great about this whole thing, really great."

 

I didn't think I'd heard him right so I made him repeat it and then didn't have anything to say, I mean I can act like an adult and a parent and do what's in my child's and I's best interests or I can act like a child and act in nobody's best interest. Besides I've got more class than ass!

 

It's all so funny. I've been feeling really good, discovering for the first time in my life why people become gym junkies, if I don't do some sort of exercise during the day I feel all blah. Did another 7k walk today! Been doing yoga at night before bed and then doing some guided meditations for relaxation. I'm sleeping really well for the first time in... well over two years really... the sleepless nights begin during pregnancy!

 

Everything's starting to come together, there's a little rise for me to get up but I feel at the moment like when I get to the top of it I'm going to be able to look around and see where I'm going at last! Though even looking at what I've achieved do far I'm pretty pleased with myself- no crying poor bugger me for the rest of my life! My life's fantastic!

 

Its my birthday this week and Saturday night I am partying! Drinking, seeing my friend's brother's heavy metal band- I'm partial to a bit of metal every so often- then I'm thinking karaoke! I'm going to smoke a packet of cigarettes and then get down with my inner Janis: "Oh lord won't you buy me a big diamond ring?" Might have to plan on sculling scotch as well to get that raspiness just right....

[sumdude]

Nice to hear you so upbeat Mel ... the sun shines again and we're starting to see life as it is. Can't let those F***ers get us down for too long.

[ookla_2]

You all are inspiring....truly you are.

 

Happy Birthday Mel!! Go have fun! You deserve it!!

[butterfly37]

I have a feeling you might have your happiest birthday yet! Shoot back a tequila for me....Cheers!!!

[Melovator]

Thanks for the best wishes, getting all excited about it. Don't know about Tequila though... you say I'll just have one and then its eight and then before you know it you've got your tits out... that was a wild night! Not planning on one of those nights- that was pre-baby- I'm much more get drunk, recognise the signs of too much, start drinking water and peeing (got to hold off breaking that seal, once you've peed once you're in there all night- well if you're a woman that is).

 

Anyway I'm naughty, jumped the convent wall and went out after hours... he asked I pretended to think about it for a minute...Its the conversation that took place that was rather interesting. I was feeling rather mellow- finished a bloody huge task at work on deadline! FIGJAM! Plus had the realisation today that I've never felt this good about myself in my whole bloody life! Lowest level of anxiety ever! Highest level of confidence in myself ever! I can't remember a time ever where I wasn't worrying about something/ everything- now its like well I can deal with it, whatever happens I can deal with it.

 

Anyway feeling mellow- I let him talk.

 

"We shouldn't be doing this until we've got things sorted out." No you don't get context people. But huh?

 

"Oh my god that was intense, I think its not having any sex or masturbating." Again huh? I haven't asked because its none of my damn business, but I just assumed he was living with her...

 

Then after:

X:"Are you planning on having sex on saturday?"

M: "What do you mean?"

X: "Are you going to pick up?"

M: "What? Have sex with some random guy? I'm more sensible than that. Not that its any of your business but karaoke is my higher priority for the evening."

X: "Are we going to be doing this in twenty years?"

M: "I don't think so. Eventually I'll meet someone."

X: "Yeah but even if you're getting ham sandwiches everyday, you still like bacon every couple of weeks."

M: "I'm planning on being with a man who can satisfy my needs for bacon."

X: "Is there such a man?"

M: What?

X: Who can satisfy your needs! then he chuckled.

M: He's out there. I'll meet him eventually.

X squeezed my leg made no reply, segued into a rather neat examination of my dating intentions- he's bloody good with his slippery, tricky, oh so casual questions. No I'm not thinking about dating, I have more important things to concentrate on right now, and that is darling son and myself. X nodded his head and very seriously said "Yes son is very important."

 

Then as he's leaving he's telling me about how he's going to have his first day to himself 'in ages' and he's just going to wander. I said "Well go for a drive and find some water, you always like that." and he replies "Yeah find myself some water and drive in."

 

Yes, yes, I know- stop sleeping with him!!! But dammit I was just feeling so good about myself and I was looking so hot I wanted to sleep with me and then he asked...

 

Bring on the weekend!!

 

More beer, more beer, more beer, more beer (singe it to auld lang syne and you get the drift...).More beer, more beer, more beer!!!

[ookla_2]

Mel, as long as you are okay with it, and keeping it in perspective (not thinking it's going to get you back together - not WANTING to be back together), I say do what you feel like doing!!!

 

And please...it must be a HUGE ego boost...after everything he put you through for OW....

[Melovator]

Mel, as long as you are okay with it, and keeping it in perspective (not thinking it's going to get you back together - not WANTING to be back together), I say do what you feel like doing!!!

 

And please...it must be a HUGE ego boost...after everything he put you through for OW....

 

VERY much don't think that sex is going to 'get him back'- I don't even think about that. I don't think I WANT him back- strangely the thought causes me some unease- the thought that I could want him back.... I mean I know I have issues but can I seriously feel so good about myself and WANT him back?

 

On the other hand I'm very comfortable with feeling good about myself and having sex with him- I KNOW I shouldn't, I know rationally that its very bad for me, but then I just go "Whatever." And it is a huge ego boost to know that he still wants me, and that I can rock his world.

 

I just find him... confusing when I'm not keeping the conversation on a very clear path. He gets messy emotionally... and when he left afterwards it was like he had to leave before he got anymore messy.

[ookla_2]

Okay...yeah, I can see where you can't allow yourself to get sucked into his emotional mess.

 

So, maybe it happened this time, maybe it will happen one or two times more, but like you said, you will meet someone. It will be someone who will be such a complement to you that you no longer have any desire to mess around with X.

 

But for now, you are single and free to do what you want...even if occasionally that means "doing" the X.

[Melovator]

Okay...yeah, I can see where you can't allow yourself to get sucked into his emotional mess.

 

So, maybe it happened this time, maybe it will happen one or two times more, but like you said, you will meet someone. It will be someone who will be such a complement to you that you no longer have any desire to mess around with X.

 

But for now, you are single and free to do what you want...even if occasionally that means "doing" the X.

 

Mess is kind of the word... and thinking about it now I think he used sex to get conversation because we talked about other stuff too, his work, how he's stressed about it again, his weight and various concerns with mutual friends.

[butterfly37]

I completely hear ya Sister! I think we're starting to feel "the power".

[Melovator]

So anyway, had a realisation over the weekend and to use a phrase a friend and I use at the end of long working days before heading to the pub "It's time to kick this bitch".

 

So I sent X an email entitled thank you:

 

Dear X,

 

Thank you for our son, he is the greatest gift anyone could ever have given me.

 

Thank you for your financial support that allows me to spend our son's formative years with him.

 

Thank you for your support of my growth as a person in the time we spent together.

 

Thank you for being my first lover, many women are not as fortunate as I was.

 

Thank you for opening my mind to the 'other side' of the argument- I'll never like John Howard (Aussie PM) but I can appreciate where he's coming from and that's a powerful ability to take through life.

 

Thank you for picking up the dead rodents.

 

Thank you for all the experiences and conversations and laughs that we shared that opened the world up to me in so many wonderful ways.

 

Thank you for sharing the time with me that you did.

 

I wish you happiness and joy in your life. I will always love you because I will always love our son but I'd rather see you happy with someone else than miserable with me. Just know that I wish you peace and harmony in your life and the ability to enjoy the small happinesses that occur many times in each day. Everyday above ground is a good day- its a matter of choosing to have a good day everyday.

 

From Melo

 

P.S. I'm not asking for a response to this email, I just feel the need to thank you for the many gifts you gave me in our time together.

____________________

He of course called sounded a bit stunned, and I said "I wasn't seeking a response, I'm just feeling very good about my life and wanted to say thanks and that I appreciate all you did for me."

 

Now he can go swing at the end of his own rope.

 

I, of course being largely sensible (except when it comes to X I've learned) am not looking for any trees to swing mine over any time soon. I'm just sticking with what I've been doing, what's been working, getting rid of the stuff that isn't, trying new things. Wherever I'm going I'll just keep working to get there.

 

Just counted its been nearly the magic six month mark since I first found out, and bloody oath I do feel a lot better now! I'm not broken anymore, I'm glued back together by my own hand, still some patches that need a bit more attention but I'm working on it and I'll probably have to keep working on them for the rest of my life.

[mammax3]

Did our ex-h's hit us at the same time? I'm nearing the 6 month mark too, and I'm feeling pretty good too. I'm thinking dating (not actually doing anything about it, but I'm warming). I'm thinking confidence. I still have the squishy post-preg bod but I'm pilate-ing myself up, and I go to the gym when I can... sorry. No thread thievery here.

 

That's awesome Mel. I'm so happy for you. What's FIGJAM, and where can I get some? I got the FIG, but what's the JAM?

 

That's cool that you feel you can thank him for all that. And I loved your post in Scraggle's thread. That one should be on the fridge, really. It was brillant.

 

The whole cas-sex thing makes me a titch nervous, but that's only because my ex's smell makes me nauseous. And your ex-h's obviously still quite in love with your son, and that's kinda sexy on its own.

 

More and more you rock.

[Gunny376]

Yes indeed, you do indeed "rock"

 

Being single ~ especially after having been married and part of a couple ~ part of a family ~ can be hard?

 

But, I was thinking to myself the other day that where I'm at here and now ~ I would have been freaking estatic twenty years ago.

 

Before you can really have a successful relationship ~ you've got to learn how to become friends with and how to live with yourself.

 

Yea? I'm single, but its by choice, and its because I've busted my azz for years upon years to get to where I'm at now? I've done a lot of hard work ~ mentally, emotionally, etc to get to where I'm at ~ and I'm very guarded about who I give myself to and who I let into my inner circle. I look at women ~ and I think, "Where were you during the hard times, the lean times?"

 

And to be honest? Really the only thing I personally got out of my marriage and my last LTR was sex (OK two terrific children and a GS).

 

And contrary to popular belief? Its takes much more than just sex to keep a man interested.

 

I'm through trying to keep up with the Jones', and trying to climb up the food chain. I've got some buds that I know that are millionaires. And they're envious of my life?

 

Jim told me, "The optium income in Alabama is about $40K. More than that? You're not working to live, you're living to work. I've been dirt poor! And I've been filthy rich! I really don't know which is worse. I had more "true" friends when I was dirt poor, than I do now that I'm worth millions!"

 

The guy that I work for, is worth hunderds of millions. And I've never meet a more miserable SOB in my life! I work second shift ~ alone in the lab of the main building. I see him sometimes in the hallway ~ drunk!

And I'm like ~ "WTF?!"

 

You're on track Mel ~ you've got your priorties straight! Your smart, intellegent, educated! You've got your head and azz wired together! You've got your act together!

[AnonyMOUSE18]

I hope you had a fabulous birthday, Mel!!! Its great to hear how confident and good you've been feeling.

 

You're an inspiration to me! Six months is the sweet spot, eh? That is awesome. I look forward to getting to where you are now.

 

Hurray for survival, and friends, and karma, and all the strength we build as we go through our experiences.

 

**hugs**

 

:love:

[Gunny376]

I hope you had a fabulous birthday, Mel!!! Its great to hear how confident and good you've been feeling.

 

You're an inspiration to me! Six months is the sweet spot, eh? That is awesome. I look forward to getting to where you are now.

 

Hurray for survival, and friends, and karma, and all the strength we build as we go through our experiences.

 

**hugs**

 

:love:

 

Your going to get there Scragg! You're just going to have to get there the old fashion way~! You've got to work for it! You've got to sweat for it!

 

It doesn't come easy! You've got to live the Blues ~ before you can sing em'!