stop me from using the phone....

[Melovator]

Your simply going throug an emotional "withdrawal" from having been attached to him!

 

That is true, 14 years builds up a lot of attachment- attachment in places I didn't even think he'd be but he just pops up in my head. Am working on beating him down mentally when he does this, expect it will take a long time.

 

Where in the Hell did you get it in your head that this this the "only" man there was on the planet? The freaking planet is covered up with them ~ there's no shortage of them ~ there's only about 3 billion other men around. Where did you get it in your head that this guy is the freanking end all to end all when it comes to men?

 

I know he's not the ONLY man on the planet, just he's been the only guy in my mental universe for the entirety of my adult life. Getting rid of him is hard work, its going to take me a while... and I'm trying not to weaken whenever he calls me babe or darling, it doesn't mean anything when he says it, its just a habit he hasn't broken.

 

Damnit! You were looking for a good man when you found this piss-poor POS of a man ~ and by God ~ you can be looking when you lose him! Why are your dragging this dead-horse SOB around with everywhere you go?

 

I wasn't looking when I found him; I was 17 and convinced that love was a mental disease passed on through contact with popular culture, when I pictured my life at the age I am now when I was 17: a man was an optional extra, like air-conditioning in a car and I'd rather have had the air-conditioning. Then I fell in love... and now... I'm back to men as optional extras (no offence guys, I really do like men, I'm just not sure I'd ever want to live with anyone from the Y side ever again- wait I have son... )

 

He's not part of the solution! He part of the problem, He's not part of the answer? He's a hugh part of the question? He's not an asset ~ he's a freaking liability!

 

Yes he is a liability to my mental health and my ability to raise my son to not be an a-hole to women. That's why I have to be strong about all this- what lesson am I giving my son if I just take this cr*p? And why would I want to live a life that way? I have to keep telling myself these things because otherwise I will cave and I'll wind up taking valium to get to sleep at night while he's out screwing OW, just like my grandmother did.

 

You want a good man ~ take your azz down to the United States Marine House for the American Embassy ~ Melbourne is the Number #1 requested posting for embassy Marines. Why? Because the "word" is out about how appreciative Aussie women are of a good man!

 

Aussie women also like the accents... and a good time... so (jokingly) if I was to take my azz down there while in Melbourne I could find a strapping young stud who wouldn't turn to jelly after ten minutes? If I'm looking, I'm looking for a man with stamina... hate having to finish myself off...

 

Its true that the number of women outnumber men in Austrailia ~ because of WWII ~ Korea ~ Vietnam (Americans weren't the only ones in those wars ~ the Aussies payed a heavy price!!!!!) and as a result men treat women like crap ~ but once you get geographical about it, open your mind to the possibilities ~ your options are endless!

 

My uncle is an amateur military historian I know chapter and verse on how good our soldiers are. Have a mate in the army who told me that the basic training Aussie grunt soldiers do is the same as US marines because the Australian military doesn't have the money for the equipment that the US does, plus smaller population, so they really work on the individual soldiers so that when sh*t goes down they know how to take three steps up if they've gotta (he could have been bullsh*tting me, it was New Years and three hours later him and four other soldiers- who he didn't even know- were pants down with their arms around each other singing Khe Sahn- apparently its mandatory when that song plays for Aussie army guys to do that... the Navy guys just watched and laughed). I know that's not relevent, interesting tho...

 

Masculinus Australis is an interesting breed of man, one I like quite a lot, I also like where I live a lot. Plus I've got social supports here. I ain't moving. I know there's lots of guys out there who are wonderful, and some of them must live in this town... but I don't think I'm anywhere near being ready for a 'partner', not even sure I'm ready for just a 'lover'. I think getting used to the idea of me without the ex is the best idea (Sexual frustration aside).

 

Dump this POS and go find you a real man, that is willing to love one woman for a lifetime!

 

His ass is dumped- he just hasn't got that through his head yet- maybe when he sees the big pile of boxes piled up the shed with his stuff in, it'll hit home. I'm not sure that he actually understands how serious I am that we are over. That he had more than enough chances to try and work on it and that the offer has now been rescinded. He wants to eat fast food that's his decision, I was offering him gourment cuisine, now he doesn't even get leftovers.

[azianpride143]

I know he's not the ONLY man on the planet, just he's been the only guy in my mental universe for the entirety of my adult life. Getting rid of him is hard work, its going to take me a while... and I'm trying not to weaken whenever he calls me babe or darling, it doesn't mean anything when he says it, its just a habit he hasn't broken.

 

Welcome to my world. Been with my ex since I was 21. Yes it is hard to get this person out of your head. But time does help. The more you get better at pre-occupying yourself when he does pop in your head. The better you get at it.

 

I wasn't looking when I found him; I was 17 and convinced that love was a mental disease passed on through contact with popular culture, when I pictured my life at the age I am now when I was 17: a man was an optional extra, like air-conditioning in a car and I'd rather have had the air-conditioning. Then I fell in love... and now... I'm back to men as optional extras (no offence guys, I really do like men, I'm just not sure I'd ever want to live with anyone from the Y side ever again- wait I have son... )

 

With your personality you will find someone easily. Your a catch. Don't sell yourself short. You deserve better than you think. At some point in your life, there will be a guy that will make your heart beat again.

[Melovator]

Had a rough couple of days but I'm fine... really. Found out my mother had decided to move interstate and it upset me but then I realised that I never see her and we rarely talk on the phone and to be honest when I do see her or talk to her she's emotionally and at times financially draining. So its a good thing she's decided to go because it costs me more to be around her.

So anyway I've been filling my calendar up with social events and courses. Next year it will be back to serious study but for the rest of this year I'm just going to do light stuff I'm interested in.

You know what the kicker is? The feeling of rejection, which I don't understand because I know I'm the best person I've ever been in my life. And I know its rationally not anything to do with me and I tell myself that but the ache is still there. One of my friends has described experiencing years of this feeling before she recovered. I don't want it to take years but I imagine it will take me a while. But that's what professional help is for! Good thing I'm not a drinker... though that sweet, sweet nicotine is so good right now.

But then I was thinking that maybe the universe has been setting me up for all of this because the jobs I've had/ have, have all given me knowledge about how to weave my way through all the practical aspects of this situation. Too bad none of them helped me at all with the emotional... hang on the friends I have who are best able to help me right now I've all met through work- right now to my friends from high school and uni I'm just an object lesson, a car crash they watch unfold and don't believe is happening.

So the universe has been preparing me anyway and now its telling me I've got work to do on myself. I guess I'm just feeling sad but positive and I just really hope that the universe hasn't got anything more to throw at me for a while so I can get on top of everything that's already happened.

[azianpride143]

They say when life throws a curve ball at you. You miss the ball coz you thought it was a fast ball. It's hard when you've got so much control of every aspect of your life. All of a sudden, nothing works and your thrown into a loop.

 

Faith does give you a "wake up" call. Give's you that reality check. Then you find yourself all alone travelling by yourself in this curvy road trying to find your way back to civilization. Your used to having your trusty gps (ex) but now that **** don't work. Just remember your not alone. We're a post away and we'll be there for you all the way.

[sumdude]

It's a hard blow to the old ego when the one person you thought accepted you most turns around and rejects you. Takes a while to get your balance back .... Just keep telling yourself what you know.... what values you have and your self worth. Sometimes it's an act of sheer will to get out of bed, slap yourself in the face and face the world with confidence. Find your inner drill sergeant, Gunny's not always online

 

You also have to let yourself greive and not allow too much of the blame for the failed marriage to fall on you.

 

FWIW the universe wil always have something to throw at us.... we have to get better at catching and juggling..

[Melovator]

I keep trying to focus on the things that do work in my life and have come to the startling realisation that my life isn't any different, except for a cold bed at night- solved with new sheets and extra blankets, I just don't have the security blanket of someone I thought was there for me; it turns out they weren't and haven't been for a long time.

 

I don't have a fixed faith, I take what I need from a variety of sources and I like to think that they're all coming from the same place, its just that its like sitting at a table at a dinner party and you can't quite catch all the conversation around you.

 

I guess I don't believe that there's any one answer to anything in life, just a range of options some good, some bad, that are designed to teach the things you need to learn from this lesson in life to prepare you for the next lesson, whatever that might be. And actually its probably a good thing I'm thinking about this because it was one topic that absolutely drove me nuts with my X. He wouldn't talk about it. Have a conversation about God? It was like trying to talk about female reproduction with him (and there is a long context to that comment) you could see him disengage.

 

Despite having no organised religion though, I am a moral person- which I know a lot of people with organised religion would disagree with because my choices don't fit their concept of moral. But I believe in the dignity of people, and in leaving them better than you found them in life, and that being a kind person is not something you do to get a reward in the next life but is something you do to reward yourself in this one with no expectation of external reward- though of course that's nice...

 

I know I'm having a rough patch but I'm not being beaten and I'm not starving. I'm a white middle class woman living in a first world country, I'm pretty bloody lucky.

 

Getting out of bed isn't the problem- though I don't know how I'm going to go when my son isn't here a few nights a week but- positive! one day will be a work day and the other will be a weekend day- so sleep-in! HAve only had about three of those in 20 months.

 

I don't know... I'm just feeling so... cheated by the universe even though I know that everything happen's for a reason we just sometimes don't know what it is until years later, lifetimes later... I just tired of losing and I don't want to lose anymore. Well, except for weight, it'd be okay to keep losing that for a little while longer. Thanks for reading...

[sumdude]

I don't know... I'm just feeling so... cheated by the universe even though I know that everything happen's for a reason we just sometimes don't know what it is until years later, lifetimes later... I just tired of losing and I don't want to lose anymore. Well, except for weight, it'd be okay to keep losing that for a little while longer. Thanks for reading...

 

That about how i feel about it... but here a while later i wonder if it might have been a gift actually...

 

Y'know Mel... you've got a great attitude. You'll come out of this just fine. One day when you least expect it some guy will come along that will realise what a gem you are. You'll have the knowledge to decide if he's just a lump of coal or worth his weight.

[Melovator]

Not feeling like a gem, maybe a dirt covered rose quartz. And I'm trying to do what Gunny says and tell X to 'f-off' whenever he comes into my head, but he's there a lot and the mornings are the hardest time, because it was the time he was most likely to be in the house and also because it takes me a while to wake up and hit reality anyway. But my son is sleeping later in the mornings and I'm not as tired so its getting easier to reassemble myself each morning, as in each minor breakdown is taking less time.

I switch between being numb and shutdown to being emotional and weepy- which is better than being weepy all the time. I have moments of anger but I let them ride, just feel them and let it dissipate. Karma will get him in the end, if not in this life then the next...

 

He is a F**knut! He's still squirreling his damn socks into the cushions on the couch! He doesn't live here anymore! he was here with our son while I went to a friend's last night. Okay this is making me angry- and I know its a stupid damn thing to get po'd about- I'm not a nagger but the socks and the toilet seat were the two things that annoyed me and I tried to be so nice about how much it annoyed me for years but he still does them now!

And I know its a really minor example on the lack of respect scale but its just...

The casual way he can make himself comfortable in a home that is not his, that was never his because home is where you leave your heart and he never had his heart here. I'm not washing those damn socks and I had said I would be nice and do whatever washing of his was still in the laundry (there's a backlog due to rain and emotional turmoil) but stuff that! as I come across them they can just get put into a plastic bag.

Ahhh calmer... he's coming here tonight to watch our son while I go to a Quiz Night with friends and it would be verging on psycho to go off about the goddamn socks- I'm rather good at Quiz Nights because I have an amazing capacity to retain trivia- and I feel the need to just get out and spend time trying to interact with people like I'm normal.

I'm not even thinking about dating just being out and not turning into some weird freak with no social interaction skills. Though I found out last night that my mother's new lover (my step-father left her for another woman in Dec) is not two years younger than me as I thought- he's actually 22. If it wasn't my own mother I'd probably cheer her on.

But she's a good object lesson for me because this is what she did when she split up with my dad- was an overwrought emotional mess who didn't get out of bed for two months (8 year old me ran the house) and then started dating a string of mullet-headed losers before ending up with my emotionally abusive narcissist of an x-step-father for 22 years.

At least I know one thing- I already like spending time alone and I am comfortable with myself. I just don't want to descend into Leonard Cohen listening depression. I will be better because of this I just have to make the effort to be. He really is a f**khead, a F**ckety, f**k, f**k, f**kwit.

 

I probably will always love him because I love my son, but he's not a person I know or even want to anymore. I knwo this is going to be hard for a long time because he's not working on his issues- refusing to do so even while he acknowledges he has them- and he'll probably be living with the OW within six months- if not sooner- his search for rental accommodation is not going anywhere- and then he'll just float into a relationship with her because moving in with her will be easier than finding his own place- though I imagine she'll insist they get married when he never married me and it will all be done in what will feel to me like indecent haste but because he's already been emotionally gone for so long and they've been involved for a while he'll think he's given me plenty of time to 'get over it'. And then she'll get pregnant and get to have the babies I won't.

Yes I'm feeling self-pitying! It will pass in a few moments and I'll say "Self- stop being a f-wit- that's his job now." I've only had one cup of coffee, once I get the second into me I'll be fine...

[sumdude]

He really is a f**khead, a F**ckety, f**k, f**k, f**kwit.

 

Guess the socks are pretty symbolic right now and something to focus on.. Hang in there Mel. Hard not to hope for some kind of justice but that really gets you nowhere in the end because you're worrying about him rather than yourself. Just get selfish as hell ... you'll need to.

 

In your pain you still have a sense of humor ... that's a good sign. There was a month there I warned my roommate I would have Turrets Syndrome ... I would be around the house and suddenly spew various insults about ...

 

like ...

 

TRAMP!

 

TROLLOP!

 

WENCH!

 

and of couse the ever popular and powerful "C" word...

[Melovator]

I don't use the C word Sumdude, they're useful- we all came from one!

 

Sometimes I want to run up to the partners of pregnant women and tell them 'don't f*ck around on her a**hole!' - but obviously I restrain the urge as any functioning human does.

 

I feel like I'm just functioning- I went shopping today, just to keep busy, bought a pair of shoes that just screamed 'fun', and a dress because it was on special and of a size I haven't been since I was like 17- well maybe I'm just getting left where I started... but wasn't really paying too much attention to what I was actually doing.

 

Anyway I put the whole outfit on when I was about to go out and was actually f*cking amazed at how good I looked. Nowhere near a size zero but way less than me 8-9 years ago... waaaaay less. So I remembered then that I liked doing the whole hair and makeup to go out thing- though it is difficult with small child in the bathroom at the same time and the plumbers already been twice in four months...

 

So I went and I functioned but I was sub-par, though our table did come third and win a box full of organic fruit and veg. And I contributed as a team member and normally (where is normal? as a state of mind I mean) would have been a much more sparkling conversationalist and general wit and the people I met were really nice and interesting and I would have had more to say if I hadn't been so busy trying not to cry, to remain calm, to keep it together....

 

Though I did have a few moments of losing myself in the moment- It's Jessica Tandy- not Landy, and how many litres of water does an elephant's trunk hold? 3 litres is apparently the answer though every table must have guessed, it was a cause for some debate and people had been drinking for a while by then... good thing I was driving would have been the worst kind of female drunk tonight if I had been.

 

So anyway I get home and X is here, and I'm unpacking my share of the fruit and veg- they were all going out drinking so I got a lot cause I was driving home- and he's talking and he keeps saying he's going, and he's getting snotty with me because I don't want to talk to him and I'm keeping replies brief and then he goes to grab my wrist as I go past and I jerk it away and I tell him not to touch me and he's like 'not even for a hug? Is it that bad?' and he's coming in for the hug so I push him away because he just wants to hug and it will all be better I'll magically stop crying and be completely where he wants me to be emotionally, ie where he is -F**ktard!

 

So I tell him it is that bad and turn away because I'm crying, (stupid b*tch stop doing that in front of him). Because this was the man who I gave my body to in love, believing that that love was returned and that my gift was appreciated. Then I find out he's just been using the gift and faking the sentiment for years apparently, so my son who I always thought was concieved in love was not... well I loved... if drunkenly that night...

 

So then he gets the sh*ts on with me... which I only believe was because he wanted to get his leg over... because I was looking hot! And he thinks he's had easy access to this body before so why not try again? And a hug is a good place to start... Anyway, he starts getting all hurt because he says he won't see our son until later in the week when I go to Melbourne. Exchange as follows:

 

Mel: I have never once said you can't see your son

X: Well I obviously can't

Mel: You can come over whenever you want, just call first so I can go out the back when you come in

X:Well that's ridiculous, I obviously can't come around if its going to be like this.

 

What does he expect? that's he's going to come over and I'll have dinner waiting for him and we'll play happy families then our son will go to bed and he and I will have hot sex and then he gets to bugger off back to wherever he's sleeping, I don't ask. AUGHH F**ktard!

 

Then he said good bye, but he was hovering like he was waiting for me to start with 'I love you X' or something, which he's not getting even if I do. Bugger him. Okay so I cried in front of him which I swore I wasn't doing anymore, but I didn't sleep with him... that's good right? Yay Mel! I've also founding reading porn is good for stopping the whole sex/ him thing while allowing me to relieve an itch which would otherwise end up with me sleeping with him through sheer panting frustration... Which he is probably counting on, he knows me too well int hat respect. Okay so X is a f**ktard, I'm looking hot, X is still a f**ktard, He still wants my body, but he can't have it, he's still a f**ktard... I was feeling like crap when I started this, I'm feeling really good now!

[sumdude]

I don't use the C word Sumdude, they're useful- we all came from one!

 

I know ... I don't ever usually go that far ... I was just that PO'd at the time.

 

Hang in there and keep your self respect which you are doing. He needs to know just what he's lost and you need to know that you're all that and then some. He lost access to your body, your mind, your soul and your respect.

 

The last thing you want to do right now is use sex in anger .... or fall into something else that will only complicate your life even more. Anger is all the hurt and fear looking for somewhere to go. He didn't set out to hurt you ... doesn't change the fact that he most certainly is. We're all faulty creatures who make mistakes ... sometimes really big ones. Hang tough ...

 

The sooner you can go NC or as much NC as humanly possible the better you'll feel.

[Melovator]

I know ... I don't ever usually go that far ... I was just that PO'd at the time.

 

Hang in there and keep your self respect which you are doing. He needs to know just what he's lost and you need to know that you're all that and then some. He lost access to your body, your mind, your soul and your respect.

 

The last thing you want to do right now is use sex in anger .... or fall into something else that will only complicate your life even more. Anger is all the hurt and fear looking for somewhere to go. He didn't set out to hurt you ... doesn't change the fact that he most certainly is. We're all faulty creatures who make mistakes ... sometimes really big ones. Hang tough ...

 

The sooner you can go NC or as much NC as humanly possible the better you'll feel.

 

Thanks sumdude, I guess using the c word is a bit like calling someone a d**khead, except when a woman's being a c**thead she's probably thinking about babies not sex...

 

The self respect is the big one, I felt like I was hanging on a ledge barely holding onto it. I know he's human and I was all prepared to work this through to be better than before as a couple but he was saying he'd try when he'd already left the building. He just doesn't get how I'm feeling, wants it to all be tension free. But he doesn't seem to get that what he'd like from me is asking me to hand over all my self-respect to him because he pretty much wants the same relationship with me but without the actual relationship bit.

 

I'm not using sex in anger, I got prettied up to feel good about myself, not to give him a show. It wasn't until i got to writing the last post that I even thought about the fact he probably wanted to do it. At least if he's not coming up before I go away I won't have to see him for a week, I'll probably talk to him- though I'm trying to stick to SMS and Email when communicating about our son- he's the one who calls. And I don't think I'm going to be screwing some random stranger to get over X while I'm away, when you share your body with someone it should be soulful and friendly at the least, not just wet friction. Well for me it should anyway. I think I'd rather just have sex with myself for a while... because I know I love me.

[azianpride143]

The self respect is the big one, I felt like I was hanging on a ledge barely holding onto it. I know he's human and I was all prepared to work this through to be better than before as a couple but he was saying he'd try when he'd already left the building. He just doesn't get how I'm feeling, wants it to all be tension free. But he doesn't seem to get that what he'd like from me is asking me to hand over all my self-respect to him because he pretty much wants the same relationship with me but without the actual relationship bit.

 

I'm glad you gave him some azz whipping. You finally got the balls to show him your not a pushover and will bend over to his every whim. I know it must have taken a lot of control to fight that urge. Just to give in one last time. But I bet it felt so good afterwards. I am so proud of you.

 

I'm not using sex in anger, I got prettied up to feel good about myself, not to give him a show. It wasn't until i got to writing the last post that I even thought about the fact he probably wanted to do it. At least if he's not coming up before I go away I won't have to see him for a week, I'll probably talk to him- though I'm trying to stick to SMS and Email when communicating about our son- he's the one who calls. And I don't think I'm going to be screwing some random stranger to get over X while I'm away, when you share your body with someone it should be soulful and friendly at the least, not just wet friction. Well for me it should anyway. I think I'd rather just have sex with myself for a while... because I know I love me.

 

Oh and I have been playing with myself all this time and didn't realize that I love me. I almost fell off the bed reading this! Mel you have a way with words. Where have you been all my life?

[Melovator]

I know it must have taken a lot of control to fight that urge. Just to give in one last time. But I bet it felt so good afterwards.

 

At the time I wasn't even thinking sex, I just didn't want him touching me because even that would just send me completely spiralling emotionally and I didn't want to do that in front of him. But in retrospect, yes I do feel good, because he knows how to get me going and if I'd let him have the hug I would've ended up sleeping with him because I'm stupid about him and was feeling fragile.

 

Oh and I have been playing with myself all this time and didn't realize that I love me

 

Well I think its like this: you can have sex or make love, you can have a w*nk or love yourself. Depends on whether you want to satisfy the physical need or the emotional need or both. If everybody 'loved' themselves a bit more this planet might not be so screwy...

 

Mel you have a way with words. Where have you been all my life?

 

Thanks, you're making me blush.

[mammax3]

You rock, Melovator! I like reading your 'rambly' posts, how you can go from hoohoos to the workings of the universe and religion to feeling good about yourself and making yourself feel good. And also how you feel about X and working with your emotions.

 

You really rock. Thanks for posting all this. I love to read it.

 

[Melovator]

Hoohoos! Hee Hee! Sorry that makes me laugh like a naughty girl. We don't use that phrase down here- fanny would probably be the equivalent, though as I understand it you guys up there use fanny to mean your back bottom not your front one. So you can imagine how much Aussies laugh at the phrase fanny pack! Got a mental image yet? They're called bum bags here.

Like thongs- you put them on your feet when its hot- not up your crack! Hoohoos, that's going to make me giggle all night... thank Mammax I needed a laugh. Hoohoo, hehehehehehehe.

[mammax3]

What do you call hoohoos? It's an old child word for vagina - which I thought LS would bleep out, I guess I'm wrong!

 

I'm glad you got a laugh!

[Melovator]

What do you call hoohoos? It's an old child word for vagina - which I thought LS would bleep out, I guess I'm wrong!

 

I'm glad you got a laugh!

 

I know hoohoos was a word for vagina (such a funny word when you say it out loud twenty times- vagina that is and hoohoos is funny too) I guess thinking back to my childhood and the words my friends use with their girl children- it would be fanny, front bottom, one friend uses 'mim'. There are of course more 'adult' aussie phrases such as 'map of tassie' (more a reference to pubic hair), and 'parting the beef curtains' (a reference to sexual activity obviously used more by men than women).

 

There are probably more but I can't think of them right now.

 

Trying very hard to be positive, to keep saying to myself "Self you will get through this, it is getting easier. You know that you are a good person, that you like to laugh and sing and dance silly around the lounge room."

 

And the overbearing, crushing weight is starting to lift and its nice read other people talk feeling a lot different at six months out. So you know its the beginning of july by New Year's I should be ready to party...

 

But I'm making some rules for myself in the future:

 

1) I will never again allow myself to be disrespected, held in contempt and lied to by someone I love, nor will I allow anyone to impugn my character without just cause (and I'm not going to give anyone any)

 

2) That I will never 'wait' for someone emotionally again.

 

3) That I will stop apologising to everyone for everything I do because I haven't done anything wrong!.

 

4) That I will always be the best 'me' I can be for myself and my son.

 

There's probably going to be more as time goes by...

 

I'm sick of crying. Just so completely sick of it and I know I will have moments when I just bawl for no reason really at all. And I know that I'm going to have to work on hard on the 'not accumulating bad karma' by wishing X a wasting disease of the groinal region for a long time.

 

Because I'm anticipating being f**ked over a few more times by him before this thing is over. Not saying its going to happen but to use another 'strayun'-ism "I can feel it in me waters".

 

Sometimes I hate being a 'nice' person, but I really do believe that if you f**k other people over you will get f**ked in return. I guess its a problem when you're so nice everyone f**ks you over anyway... Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries! Need to have boundaries, so I can be a nice person and not f**k myself over like I have been doing.

 

Because (and now I'm going to have a little yay me! ego boost session) I am, good, kind, funny, I like people, I like talking to them, I usually like life when I'm not going through this, I am a good cook, a good mother, a good worker and a good friend. I notice when people cut their hair, or have nice shoes, or new glasses or are just looking good generally and compliment them on it. I like to learn things and want to keep learning about everything. I can keep a secret (for years if necessary). I believe that life is mostly good, with the bad bits thrown in to remind us of how good life really is. I have a great big heart with an endless capacity to love other people (and myself hopefully!).

 

I'm feeling good but just a little bit daunted by the mountain of personal growth in front of me. But baby steps, baby steps, baby steps, learning to walk properly in the world as an adult without any furniture to hold onto...

I WILL BE OKAY! just gotta keep telling myself that again and again and again....

[mammax3]

You will be okay, Melovator! You sound like a terrific person, from your yaay me session above, and to the you that comes out in your posts. But ya, it'll take a little while to let go of that furniture! (Great anaolgy! I love anaolgies btw!)

 

And being negative isn't only bad for your Karma, it's bad for you physically too. Do you really want that much negative energy circling around you and your home? You'd become so bitter and not such a nice person. You'd be trying to f*ck everyone over like the people you're thinking of in your post above. And you seem to have such a good humour, it'd be a shame to lose it in negativity!

 

I had posted more about vaginas, but somehow I lost it, and didn't repost the same way. I thought it'd somehow magically appear in LSland. I guess not!

[Melovator]

It's kind of hit me that I'm about to spend three nights away from my son- the last and only night I spent away from him was a about 3 weeks before I found out about the OW- and my ex kindly took me to a hotel he'd taken her to, and I found out that when he was taking our son out to give me time to do the housework or just have a long bath he was playing happy families with her.

I just can't believe how much of a hypocrite he is, and I'm disgusted with myself for having let him disrespect me and treat me with such contempt. The thought of him ever touching me again makes me want to vomit at the moment. I'd better go and start packing while my son is asleep, I just really don't want to go right now. And no I'm not going to pick up the phone or send any emails telling X just what a low life piece of sh*t he really is, I am better than that. I know what's done is done and you can't do anything about it, but when you just keep finding out more of what was done...

I'm having a bad day, hopefully I can get through work tommorrow, get to the airport, check in and go to the bar, then keep drinking on the flight. Then get to the hotel, open the minibar, have another drink and then just sleep. Then the next morning shoes...

I know I should be excited about getting a sleep-in but I'm just sad and lonely already. So stupid I know. He's my child not my friend.

[sumdude]

You'll get through it all... just be careful with the booze please... wouldn't want to do anything you might regret. Drunk dialing ... etc..

[Melovator]

No drunk dialling- just hopefully drunk enough to hit the pillow and sleep without thinking... that'd be nice for once.

Stupid emotions, sick of them. I know it will pass but wish it would happen sooner. I'm just so angry at him right now and then I get more mad because I realise that I'm really angry with myself for letting him do it to me. So I don't actually like myself much at the moment despite all my cheerleading of myself.

I'm not taking much by way of clothing- am going to follow a friend's suggestion and purchase clothes there. I'm also going to be completely girly for once in my life (never been a girly girl, in high school I was too busy playing Dungeons and Dragons with the boys to worry about trying to get with the boys) and I'm going to get my nails done (usually a DIY'er) and get one of those makeup counter makeup thingies done. Got my roots done yesterday so my hair is flaming red fabulous.

I AM GOING TO HAVE FUN! Then after this time out some serious work- organising of the life, clearing out of cupboards, throwing away that tupperware lid that doesn't match anything! I've already started doing this- but will have more enthuiasm for the task/s. I just have to see this holiday as the start of the more fabulous me.

I will be okay. Eventually. thanks everyone

[azianpride143]

Mel I went through the same thing when I was told by my ex that I need some time away from her. It was the hardest thing to do. To be away from my kids and knowing this crap was happening at the same time. The difference back then was that I was still in denial. You have some advantage here since you have woken up and fully aware of the situation. Don't worry your son will be fine. You have to think about yourself for once and enjoy your trip. You need the break. You deserve some time to think away from everything.

 

Drinking is good but to a certain degree. If your goal is to relax and enjoy that's fine. But if your intentions is numbing the pain. It's not going to help. It may even make you feel more depressed and then regret the bad hangover the following day. It's always good to face your problems head on. So take care and have fun for a change.

 

When you come back. You take care of business. I know he will be in for some nice azz whipping....:bunny:

 

BTW I was a D&D fan back in the days. Glad someone else likes that stuff.

 

[Melovator]

So I'm here in Melbourne, a great city for the broken hearted, and probably the romantic as well. I love it here, even the fat grrls have style, unlike where I live where it sometimes seems like noone has style. Had a bad night last night, cried most of it and feel tired. I didn't get drunk, had a glass of wine on the plane but nothing else, but I did do a bad texty thing at 1am- sent a text tot he x saying "You were wrong, I've changed more than you, motherhood has made a better and different person, but you couldn't be bothered to get to know her." he has made no mention of it, so I assume he ignored it as the ravings of a crazy woman- which at that time they were.

 

Really miss my son. I'd thought maybe I should have bought him with me but toddlers don't really like shopping.

 

My friend gets in tonight so tommorrow i figure we'd hit the factory outlets and there's a Guggenhiem exhibit on at the NGV (national gallery of Victoria- though I've never understood how a state gallery can be a national gallery but he! I'm not Victorian.) which should be cool to go to because i think it will be a while before I could actually go travel to see the works exhibited.

 

Anyway, thanks everyone for your kind words, I'm hoping to turn a corner soon and really start feeling more positive about life instead of just telling myself to feel positive about it.

 

 

AP: my ex was our Dungeon Master- but my mother was the one who originally introduced me and my friends (apart from ex who I hadn't met at that time) to D&D- she started playing in the 70's and always foudn the concept of adventure modules to be amusing... she preferred to make it up herself, actually so did my ex before he got all serious about life and gave it up. he still has an impressive collection of D&D stuff though- and he did like blowing whole parties up when he got sick of a campaign "You cut the wrong wire" or "oops your cleric is unconcious so you all die." I used to do co-Dm'ing with him because at our peak we'd have twenty kids trying to sit around one table, easier to split the party in two. God that was fun! I just can't do computer gaming- it's just not the same when the whole table doesn't explode because you rolled a twenty and killed a beholder!

[sumdude]

Anyway, thanks everyone for your kind words, I'm hoping to turn a corner soon and really start feeling more positive about life instead of just telling myself to feel positive about it.

 

You have the right attitude and you'll get there. It is a fake it till you make it sort of thing. Have patience with yourself. I can't tell the future but I know it's taken longer than I expected (seems like forever sometimes) but then again I expect a lot of myself... in reality from what others tell me I've done very well with it and I'm sure you will.

 

Yeah the text thing... yeesh there are a few e-mails that I really wish I had never sent ... oh well...