stop me from using the phone....

[Melovator]

I had a fantastic time away, I missed my son but he was okay without me and kindly waited until I was home to get sick with a cold.

I got some clear headspace and realised that I don't need X to make me feel special, maybe its bigger cities, but there's something about being in a place surrounded by a crush of people and realising that everyone's going their own way, everyone's thinking their own thoughts and it was almost like seeing thought bubbles coming out of people's heads.

But unlike feeling alone in a crowd, it was like feeling that everyone in the crowd was their own special star, that sounds silly, but that everyone is special in their own way, just some people are bad special like serial killers. So if everyone is special, I'm everyone!

And when X was at the airport waiting to meet me I didn't feel sick or tense or nervous or angry or even sad (mostly happy/ worried to see my poor sick little boy) but even when he called me babe, referred to a couple of our 'in' jokes and bandied about the 'we' term... whatever!

It was like being able to look at him with fresh eyes and think "Yeah you're f-ed up, have fun with that."

[azianpride143]

Yeah the text thing may have been construed as "ramblings of a mad woman". Hehehehe. It happens.

 

I would suggest getting a journal instead and write in there. I have one that I used for a while and put in entries I would have otherwise sent my ex. The nights I couldn't sleep and I wrote my thoughts and feelings. It helps diffuse a lot of vent up emotions. At some point, I figure I'll read it one last time to remind me of what I felt in the past and how far I've gone in the present. Then I'll torch the sucker.

 

I'm glad you enjoyed your time off. You deserved it.

[Melovator]

I had my damn diary- I'd lost my damn pen, plus I was pre-menstrual (sorry if that's TMI- too much info- but it is very relevent to my state of mind as I get highly emotional in the lead up) not that i shouldn't have known better...

 

Anyway been having lots of little 'coincidences' happen in my life, the kind of weird get you thinking about the universe stuff. And I have to say that right now I love my sister- don't know if its because her medication has evened out or because she's finally got some motion of her own and happy, weird 'coincidences' happening in her life too. Because my sister lost it with my mother and told her to grow up, to stop acting like a child and to think about her life and get her **** together, and my sister can come out and say it like that because she's the 'good' child. I can't say it like that because then I would be being a b*tch. Family dynamics what fun!

 

But its all this kind of stuff that's happening and I'm thinking about it and all of a sudden I'm realising why I am the way I am and how I was staked to a pole and pruned to fit by all the cr*p in my family. God I don't want that stuff no more, the me in my head is not the 'me' other people see me as- they put me in convenient little label boxes and don't really see.

 

But unlike being an adolescent and writing tortorous bad poetry about 'how no one knows the real me' sob, sob... this time its kind of liberating. If no one knows who I am then I am free to create myself any way I want. Because if no one is going to get / understand you anyway... you might as well get yourself. I know its all rather obvious stuff but its giving me a glow inside. I'm embracing my inner fabulous feminine and celebrating her, just because she's cool.

 

I guess I'm kind of hoping that I haven't tipped over into some kind of weird manic phase again and that I'm going to have another huge crash, oh well, hormones will tell I suppose... So how does this all relate to X? I'm getting there... cause I'm an idiot and agreed he could stay in the house on nights that I'm going to be out very late until he gets his own place. But I could only agree because I realise that at most I'll spend an hour of awake time with him around and I can do that, but also that he's not bothering me anymore, he made me laugh this morning when he called about our son because he said something funny and I just laughed and didn't feel all angsty about it.

 

It was funny -he's amusing. He's my co-parent but his life isn't my problem or even my concern unless it interferes with his being a co-parent. Not that I don't love the guy... maybe I'm finally just not 'in love' with him whatever the hell that phrase means... whatever it is it'd be nice to stay on this even keel for a while so I can continue to sort all the crud in my head and my life out.

[Melovator]

In the vein of trying to keep on an even keel I'm going to vent here rather than send off rude emails I'll regret later.

Yes the wardrobe doors look like ****e at the moment, but that's because they're not fully painted just undercoated! Its so stupid that I let him wind me up over stupid things. He probably didn't mean to be a condescending sh*t, probably just didn't remember any of the conversations about painting the bloody house, I just am sick of his attitude that I'm an incompetent with no real clue of what I'm doing- just because he doesn't even know what undercoat is! I am bloody competent.

And I don't need to be thanked for taking care of my own child like I'm the bloody hired help!

And if I hear one more 'I don't know what's going to happen...' out of his mouth I'll rip out his bloody tounge and throttle him with it.

And if I cook lots of vegetables with a meal its because I like veggies and want my son to eat as many as possible, not because I'm worried about X getting scurvy or something. He was here for dinner on Friday and as I told him "Its none of my business if you eat veggies or not anymore."

(It is my business that my son and I eat enough veggies).

And its also none of my business how he organises his time and despite telling him that he still wishes to enlighten me about his life.

And I'm not his bloody babe either.

He thinks because I'm letting him spend 1-2 nights in the house a week that we're all chummy, uh-uh, this is just until he gets his own bloody place because my son loves his father. And if he doesn't have the time to find a place he should just ask his girlfriend to help. I'm sure she'd love to if she's not already.

Aughh! We are not a 'we' anymore- why does he keep using that term? Why does he keep trying to suck me back in when I'm trying so hard to pull away? He chose, he didn't chose me, and no matter how much he says he never made any decision when you'd rather keep having sex with your mistress than with the mother of your child- that's a bloody decision.

At least I'm not crying- but this getting worked up over little crap is just as annoying to me. Is this just part of the process too? I'm hoping that eventually I won't be bothered at all by his f**kwittery.

So pissed off right now- over nothing really!

[azianpride143]

Mel it will get better once he moves out. Yes keep venting and well be here listening. You should channel your anger and put it to good use. Do some cleaning around the house. Just keep yourself busy. Don't waste your energy on him. It's not worth the time.

[Melovator]

Have a sick son who just wants to be held, every so often he'll let me out of his sight for five seconds and I clean, more paint-work prep. Then my son realises that I'm not there and Wahhh Mahhh! I'm tired emotionally, but wired physically and have reached 'the bitch zone' of sexual frustration where even BOB is no good. The whole world pisses me off right now- goddamn happy families taking their Sunday walks and smiling, freaks...

[azianpride143]

Take care of the little one. Your just in a "rough" patch and just keep venting. You'll make it through this. It can only get better.

 

[Melovator]

No its not sexual frustration I have realised its all emotional, sex as being appreciated, loved, all that jazz. More of the me needing X to make me feel good about myself stuff, which I have come to realise there wasn't much of, I was like one of NotSpiritual's b*tches- well trained to get by on the scraps X sought fit to leave me.

 

By the way Not Spiritual while I'm pissy I'm going to rant at you in my own thread- you want some Paris Hilton look-alike and then expect her to be a nice person? No freaking way! those bitches know they are hot and if you aren't doing everything they want then there's some other poor sucker who will. That's the only way they know how to relate to men because that's how they related to boys- and you're right they are playing high school games but only because men with more glands than brains let them. (I've been wing grrl enough times to see the depths of stupidity some men sink to over some up themselves bi-atches that I no longer call friends)

 

And also there are things you can do with a more padded woman that would break a size 0... Plus with the continuous ketosis they'd smell. Fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round- a strange lyric from a gay man, god bless Freddie.

 

Aughh! It frustrates me that intelligent men (And its pretty obvious that you are intelligent NS- otherwise I could just dismiss you as a complete f-wit rather than be frustrated because you're half right.) can look only at the pony show princesses and decide that that's how ALL women are. No we're not... Women who plays those games aren't women- they're girls because they haven't grown up emotionally, and if you want to have an immature relationship then fine! But if you actually want a relationship where you don't have to toilet train your partner then have one with an adult!

 

Ahhh... feeling better... anyway I'm not planning on having a relationship with anyone but myself for a while but when I do I'll have one with a man who's an adult, who can appreciate that the true value of a woman comes from her strength of character and will, not from her tw@t! That a real woman is capable, independent and respects herself and others. I don't want to control or be controlled- and I'd like eventually- in a down the track, someday over the rainbow, not standing around waiting for it kind of a way- to have a relationship with a man who is strong enough in himself to not need to do either and if I never meet a man like that then... so be it... the universe has other ideas for me other than being in a relationship.

 

but then I figure this town isn't THAT small, somewhere near here there's a guy like that who digs short redheads with big boobs to match their ass (though the ass ain't as big as it used to be while the boobs haven't changed that much...) and this town being this town where everyone knows someone who knows everyone else, I'm bound to run across him someday over the rainbow...

 

So much as I love your prose Not Spiritual and my cynical self agrees with you, I'm letting my romantic self take me in the future. Because a cynic is just a romantic who's been beaten about a few too many times. And because I've decide to embrace my ovaries and rejoice in my womanliness in a way I never have before... not that I'm going to start wearing pink... ughhh.

[azianpride143]

Not all men and women are the same. In my journey, I've realized I'm no longer the kind of person that can just have casual sex. It has to be with someone I'm attracted to. I'm kinda over the dating scene for a while and like you plan on being alone for now. I do need time to myself. Lots of time.

[Melovator]

I know not all women and men are the same. And to be perfectly frank the men who've played main roles in my life- my father, former step-father and X have all given me very good cause to think 'all men are lying cheating slime some are just bigger a-holes about it than others'. But God! How bloody boring would living in that mental world be? I like men, I have male friends, I enjoy their company because there's none of the bullsh*t that comes with lot of female company. You blokes think women are hard on you? You should see what we do to each other- the reason a woman doesn't run the world is because other women won't let them.

 

And I know I'm not a casual sex person because even when I looked like Cartman on weight gain 4000 I got offers and if I'd been the type of person who looks to a casual fling to make me feel good about myself I'd have taken them up, and there were times when X and I were broken up in my early twenties when I could have taken those offers up as a totally free agent. But I didn't because I don't do casual sex- the term is oxy-moronic -to me there is nothing casual about sex. I wish there was, but despite being very open minded and having no sexual hang-ups, I can't just do sex without love. Which in some quarters might be considered a hang up... but anyone who thinks that way isn't going to be worth my time.

[mammax3]

There's a guy who works at a coffe bar here in town. For some crazy reason I think he's totally hot. He's the second guy I've thought is totally hot (and that I'd be interested in persuing something with) in the last 10 years. I'm not even joking. While I was with my X, there was only ever one guy that I ever seriously thought about, but I was in a R, and so ignored the impulse and desire. But wow, that guy was hot and we had such chemistry!

 

And so's this guy. I blush whenever he's working, and can barely look him in the eyes (so embarassing, my 14 yo ways...). Not like I'm ready to start anything, at all, but it's cool to feel these 'old' exciting feelings. That initial flutter and stuff. It's sad too, though, isn't it. Since we're so used to feeling them for our X.

 

I've never been one on casual sex, either, Melo. I don't know if it is a hang up, or not. I could. I've been propositioned enough times. I don't think full on LOVE is necessary for me, but at least something more than just a first name! LoL...

 

I understand how your rant can overlap into other areas...

 

Just popped in to say hey and that I'm keeping up with you. Sometimes I have only this type of chatter to offer... Sometimes I have less! LoL

 

[Melovator]

OKay maybe not full on love but to use that old chestnut I'd still want to be respected in the morning.

 

My 'tough love' friend- the one I call when I need someone to tell me that I will get through this and to stop being a negative nancy because I am bloody great, says there's nothing wrong with a good crush and a bit of a flirt to make yourself feel better. So I'm being a bit 14 y.o. self too and getting my crush on for Aaron Pedersen (Aussie Indigenous actor: http://www.lightscameraaction.com.au/public/media/smh_files/ent_aaron.jpe) He's so damn hot and I just saw a doco about him and his brother and it makes me crush on him even more. There's also Rhys Muldoon (http://bigscreen.afc.gov.au/images/~virtual/patrons/185/muldoon_rhys) - the funniest, sexiest Christian on Australian TV- though there seems something wrong about having sexy thoughts while you're watching Play School (kids TV show) with your toddler...

 

Then there's the nice coffee guy at the place next to my work, who has a girlfriend and is really sweet but is a bit flirty and I'm enjoying that flirtyness. So totally understand what you mean about the coffee guy mamma, its like you turn that bit of you that can even acknowledge a flirt as a flirt off and then when you turn it back on its a bit overwhelming.

 

I have to admit to deliberately avoiding a particular male friend at the moment because he's the only other bloke apart from X that has really excited me- he's alright looking this guy but his brain is so hot! Soooooo sexy and he's off with his on again-off again GF permanantly from what he says and I just think meeting him for a beer after work is asking for trouble because him and I have never had just one drink and a casual chat, its always been 'one drink becomes twelve' and then its four in the morning and we're still talking about books or poetry or movies or the nature of the universe. We've never been full-on flirty but there's just this electric intellectual thrill that has always meant we sit on the other side of the table from each other because its like we can't talk properly if we sit too close. If I combine that with alcohol its bound to have me flat on my back before I could say 'knickers' and I really like this guy as a friend and don't want to lose that by using him as a rebound roll to make myself feel better.

 

He came into my work the other week- was doing an assignment for uni and one of the services he had to visit was where I work, and one of my collegues was all "He's into you, his eyes lit up when you told him you weren't with X anymore." I don't think that's quite true- I think she was exaggerating to make me feel good- which is what friends are for. But I think if I meet up with him in the next while I'm going to do it safely in the company of our mutual friends and make sure I've had dinner so I don't get too drunk...

 

I don't know... I'm getting my sexy on, but for me, not because I want to unleash myself on the world. I do things to make me feel sexy for me not for anyone else because I always did sexy for X and at the moment its like I don't want anyone interfering with my personal sexiness.

[mammax3]

Thanks for getting what i was meaning, Mel. And it's hard to not want to feel sexy for another man, just to check that we've still got 'it' and that we're okay. But yah, it's a fine line between one beer and 12, and sheesh, a smart chatty man IS oh so sexy! But the rebound thing... Even if it lasted for a while (as some rebounds do) you'd have to acknowledge that status to keep true to yourself. Good for you for trying to keep yourself real.

 

Good luck on keeping your mitts off him, though! It sounds tough, and for him to be into you too! Agh! That must make it harder not to try and trick yourself into thinking it could be just an easy chilled night of a beer.

 

Being sexy isn't a real thing for me, right now - mostly since I'm still sporting my post-partum bod. This may account for my 14 yo blushes on my crushes. No way could anyone think me sexy... But I know I had it, and I'll have it again, when I'm ready, I guess!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

he's alright looking this guy but his brain is so hot!

 

LOL, only a woman could think that a brain was hot! I can't imagine a man ever understanding that concept!!! Maybe Mel, since you know this guy that wouldn't be too bad of a thing. Good for you though for keeping your boundaries until you've decided otherwise!

 

I've never been one on casual sex, either, Melo. I don't know if it is a hang up, or not. I could. I've been propositioned enough times. I don't think full on LOVE is necessary for me, but at least something more than just a first name! LoL...

 

Mama,

I've never been one for this either. Can't imagine being with a man that I don't atleast adore and respect. I'm not a prude, never have been, but I am PICKY!

 

Being sexy isn't a real thing for me, right now - mostly since I'm still sporting my post-partum bod. This may account for my 14 yo blushes on my crushes. No way could anyone think me sexy... But I know I had it, and I'll have it again, when I'm ready, I guess!

 

Honey, when you're ready you will be a sexy as ever, and any man will be lucky to have such a sweet soul! For the moment there are are other things to deal with, but you'll get yours, for sure. I think it's AC who's signiture reads, One day someone will walk into your life and you'll understand why noone else worked! Don't ever sell yourself short, but butterflies are free for the taking!

[Melovator]

LOL, only a woman could think that a brain was hot! I can't imagine a man ever understanding that concept!!! Maybe Mel, since you know this guy that wouldn't be too bad of a thing. Good for you though for keeping your boundaries until you've decided otherwise!

 

Surely there's some men out there who get off on brains... always thought that X was one of those but considering that OW/ GF? is not as smart as me but is hot... I guess he wasn't. Part of me cynically thinks that I was just his back-up girl until he could score one of those hot chicks who wouldn't look twice at him in high school- bad teenage years, very handsome man in his thirties.

 

I'm not saying this guy- friend of mine- is ugly- he has very intense eyes and a rather pleasing body shape, well a shape I find pleasing and if I allowed myself to start thinking about being pressed against it... whew! need a lie down!

 

But I have this theory I picked up from somewhere that you're supposed to leave people better than when you found them, I might be doing okay with everything that happened/ is happening, but I'm not in a place where I can invest emotional energy outside of my son and myself, so if I was to get involved with someone I would be trying to take from them to make myself feel better and that's not leaving them better. So its just not fair to anyone, including myself because I need to know how to make myself feel good without relying on someone else.

 

The brain really is the primary sex organ for women isn't it? Because a bloke can fiddle with the knobs and push all the dials but if you're not there mentally you're just not going to get there physically. So I'm giving myself lots of mental foreplay as it were.

 

Good luck on keeping your mitts off him, though! It sounds tough, and for him to be into you too! Agh! That must make it harder not to try and trick yourself into thinking it could be just an easy chilled night of a beer.

 

Thank god its winter! Its so much easier to leave the pub after a couple of pints when its pitch black and cold than in summer when its still bright at 9pm and you can sit outside all night. I'm sticking to seeing him in a group and not doing our usual, everyone else goes home at 9pm and we're there at closing time... well it was usual pre me having darling son. I think I'll go home with everyone else and read romance novels- not for the romance but for the dirty bits- some of them should be sold in brown paper bags!

 

Being sexy isn't a real thing for me, right now - mostly since I'm still sporting my post-partum bod. This may account for my 14 yo blushes on my crushes. No way could anyone think me sexy... But I know I had it, and I'll have it again, when I'm ready, I guess!

 

Mamma I have a belief that a real man can see the true beauty inherent in a pair of baby chewed boobs, because they've done their work and a real man will respect that. And he'll respect your stretch marks too because they're like a tattoo of love from your kids (did my son have to love me that much though?) . Maybe it sounds a bit dumb, but I'm proud of my slightly lopsided boobs (darling son would only really feed from one side and eleven months after finishing one's still bigger than the other!)- I made food for another person- I kept another human being alive with my body. Its a bloody powerful experience, too bad blokes can't get even a little peak of what's that like.

 

One of the sexiest women I know is also one of the most voluptuous, she's a big girl but you don't see her as a big girl... she's just a sex goddess and its her personality. Men fall at her feet. Just think sexy and enjoy feeling sexy for yourself. Just think "Yummy Mummy"- much nicer than being a M.I.L.F.!

[sumdude]

LOL, only a woman could think that a brain was hot! I can't imagine a man ever understanding that concept!!! Maybe Mel, since you know this guy that wouldn't be too bad of a thing. Good for you though for keeping your boundaries until you've decided otherwise!

 

Surely there's some men out there who get off on brains...

 

Sure there are... no doubt about it. In the end it's always about attitude and the combo package. At least if you want a real relationship. Sex is great ... still after that hour or two you have to be able to talk without getting bored to tears. Besides... smarter women are usually better lovers too....

[Melovator]

Sure there are... no doubt about it. In the end it's always about attitude and the combo package. At least if you want a real relationship. Sex is great ... still after that hour or two you have to be able to talk without getting bored to tears. Besides... smarter women are usually better lovers too....

 

If you can't have a conversation, what's the point? Its the sex is mental thing- if a guy can't make me (let's be crude) mentally wet- no way I could get there physically, no matter how pretty he is. I don't like pretty men anyway.

 

Yes I would have to agree smarter women are better in bed, just to pump up my own ego... but it would have to be the same for blokes too. Wouldn't it? I mean sex can be creative if you put your mind to it and when you've got more mind... god I miss sex...

 

Saw X today, still want to jump his bones- but didn't! Didn't even give any indication of that- think I wavered between genial conversationalist and defensive... dammit am not his darling, or dear, or baby and he's being really nice about money, so nice its annoying me... I plan on getting myself in a position where I personally am not financially reliant on him once this house is sold... I am putting things in motion at work to increase opportunites for advancement... yet he's talking like he and I are still going to be financially combined in ten years time! What the hell is that?!

 

And then we, as in him and I, receive an invitation to an event, and he says I should go because I have friends there who haven't seen for a while but then he said something like "What are you going to say about us?"

and I'm like "Dunno, I'll think about it if someone asks."

and he replies "Well there's no need to say anything, I mean who knows what's going to happen."

 

Wombat @rsed wanker. I thought I had had a Cleopatra Complex (de-nile is not just a river in Egypt...) before I actually got proof that he was f*cking around on me- but what's going on with him? He still wants to tell me about his work, jokingly invites me to attend one of his professional events because I'm good at quizz nights- his whatever the hell she is- is the same profession as him he can take her... oh wait, that's right her best asset is her tits! And that might actually mean revealing to some of our mutual friends what's been happening- as if half of this city don't already know- especially his professional circle- bunch of gossips and that's just the men! (Sorry moment of rancour- now practicising mental benevolence again).

 

Speaking of gossip he was telling me about a collegue who has had an indiscretion with results and I couldn't help but say "That's why you should use protection." He pissed himself laughing and then said "Next time I stick my hands down my pants I'll wear gloves."

 

He's just bloody confusing me still. Fortunately he's got so much work he hasn't been staying the night- he's staying tomorrow, but only because I'm going out till late... well as late as I can manage these days... 1-2am.

[mammax3]

Mel, I'm on the same learning curve as you are. I think men prefer it to remain genial and 'nice' so they don't have to feel as bad sort of along the lines of "There! That wasn't so bad to leave. We still chat and I get my *ego* stroked when we hang out and she laughs at my jokes and think I'm sexy. And! I get this 'new' woman too! Yaay". Conversely, of course he also may like it when things are nasty and not-so-nice along the lines of "See! I was driven to another woman! This is just how she was when we were together only she never showed anyone else! Oh, how she had you all fooled!"

 

Ya. That is a no-win. Enter polite and distant woman. Keeps on topic, smiles (amybe even laughs) at jokes but doesn't linger and doesn't long for his hot bod.

 

It's easier for me since f-wit (love it!) has zero interest in being around me or the babes. Maybe it'd be harder if he were present (...there was that dream last night...).

 

And keeping you stringing along is not only great for his ego, but also a nice safety net. Oh Honey! I was wrong! Take me back!

 

I've decided that I don't care if he tells everyone "see! That's why I left her" .. I've gone into heavy playa mode. He's had his chances. We're 2 months into nb's life, he's asked about her once and hasn't come back for any visits. He's jerking me around for money, playing all sorts of games. He's not calling the kids. Yah. I've had it.

 

We have nearly opposite X's, sort of. Neither is easy. Sigh. I'm with ya sista!

[azianpride143]

I agree with Mammax. He's simply re-connecting with you on some level. To unconsciously tell you that when his new relationship doesn't work. He's going to try to re-inject himself back in to your life. Don't buy into his bullcrap.

[Melovator]

So I slept with X. Please wait before commencing to kick my ass. That I was very intoxicated there is no doubt. I do not have the drinking capacity I once had pre-baby and now there is a lot less of me to parcel alcohol around to. Excuses, excuses... I made a drunken decision and strangely do not regret it. Because he offered and I took a good minute to think it through before saying yes.

 

It was good, better than good because afterwards when I asked him to go back to his bed because I was done, I realised that mentally, apart from early on when neither of us knew much but I had read a lot, my mother's copies of Everywoman, Aust. women's forum, her 'bad books'- she wasn't very creative when it came to hiding such material from curious minds... anyway, it was like that I was on top. Because I wanted what I wanted and I took it. I used him and it felt good.

 

Not that I was using him int he beginning- 14 bloody years ago... maybe I was... I certainly don't think I was 'really' in love with him when I first said "i love you too', it was more like I wanted to have sex for the first time and I really liked him and knew he wanted me to say it back... lots of lusty teenage hormones... two nerdy virgins... but thinking about it I don't think I 'really' loved him until later... like a year after we first started going out...

 

And rather than feeling like we were bonding or some crap it really was almost just a nicer way to masturbate- because I wasn't actually thinking about him... the whole mental sexy thang has made me realise there are so many men out there to think about. Went to the football today- lots of men in shorts with great legs and then the Tour deFrance is on- my god! I have a thing for legs, thighs in particular, not too muscly or big, just nice to give a squeeze to. X can't drive manual- only automatic, but my god, my perfect man would drive manuals only, because a nice thigh pushing up and down on that clutch and just being able to reach over and squeeze it... such a sexy mental image.

 

Anyway I f**ked his brains out, which was probably bad- the me doing it in the first place, not what I was doing to him because I know I'm good, but I don't want him back. Not saying I will do it again... but the sooner he's out of the house for all seven nights a week- the better. I'm thinking maybe BOB ain't enough for me, I should endeveour to get a lover, obviously this is not something I can do at the snap of a finger and I will think about it while I'm not drunk- not that I'm drunk now. Promise.

 

Anyway I felt no stirrings in my heart or soul, just my loins. I feel like I kept myself to myself and didn't just hand me over on a mental platter. Have actually found it quite strange because I expected to be all aughh! back a few steps and instead it seems like I moved a step forward- away from him. Maybe I'm just deluded- I frequently am... but it almost feels like I've shaken him off and can walk away with shiny new skin.

 

Yes, I do frequently remind myself that I am just a little f**ked in the head.

[azianpride143]

Well your not the first that happened to. Nor will you be the last. Could it be more like "goodbye sex" or "for old times sake"? What's important is you know what you got yourself into and it's consentual. You know where this is heading and it doesn't matter how you get there. Or how the seas are rough. Just take your time and you'll get there eventually.

 

I wish I had the sexual drive you have. I just simply don't at this time. I have indulged yes, but I find that's not enough to satisfy me.

 

I have vowed celibacy for now. Decided to live the life of a hermit. Yeah right... But since I know I still have a few loose screws that need tightening up. I'm going to wait until I'm ready before I get involved again.

[Melovator]

Well your not the first that happened to. Nor will you be the last. Could it be more like "goodbye sex" or "for old times sake"? What's important is you know what you got yourself into and it's consentual. You know where this is heading and it doesn't matter how you get there. Or how the seas are rough. Just take your time and you'll get there eventually.

 

There was a very clear thought process despite my inebriation, and all those thoughts above were in there. And then there's my mother's maxim: sex is good for what ails ya... augh mother- stupid, stupid woman. But mostly it was the stuff I posted before about leaving people as you find them and not wanting to project any issues I have on anyone else; whereas X is 1) The cause of many of my issues and 2) impossible to F**k up anymore than he already is.

 

I wish I had the sexual drive you have. I just simply don't at this time. I have indulged yes, but I find that's not enough to satisfy me.

 

Yes I am one of those women with a strong sex drive and if I wasn't the person I am I would've f**ked around on X- five bloody months! But I'm a loyal, honest person so I kept putting up with 'I'm tired', 'I have work to do' 'I have a headache' etc etc. Only to have it turn out that he was sleeping with someone else! That fact doesn't piss me off as much as it once did but I'd still like throw a cream pie at him or something over it...

 

See yes, I am romantic, but I'm also practical, I can romance and love myself and have been (here melo have some flowers because you're wonderful!), but I do have a high sex drive (which X COMPLAINED about!) and when I think about all the things I plan on doing in the next few years, the things that I want to do in/ with my life, none of it involves a relationship but I CAN'T go that long without sex. I will go crazy. Plus I remembered something: aren't women actually supposed to hit their sexual peak in their early 30's? Why would I want to waste that? And I can keep my soul for myself it doesn't have to go along for the ride.

 

I had a 'derr' moment in the middle of last night- men don't think like women! Derr! You can negotiate 'just sex' with a man and he'd probably really appreciate the offer even if he didn't accept the contract. Not that I'm offering it up to anyone- I have standards, and yes! I'm a safety girl! But I don't think I'll be bringing anyone back to my home- at least not until X finally gets around to getting his own place and can take our son overnight (I told him yesterday 'the big rental section is in the paper') - I'm not having a lover in my house while my son is present. Completely innapropriate.

[Melovator]

X is pissing me off. He's 'got something on' on friday- supplies no further details, ergo he has a date. Fridays are my night! The one fracking night a week I get to do whatever I want in. He has six other nights of the week to do whatever the hell he wants and I don't care what he does on those nights- its what he does on MY night that I care about. F-wit. W@nker. Jerk, moron, retarded monkey bum.

 

So I sent him an email- yes naughty but if I'd talked to him I would have spewed and realistically its not that big a deal but I was polite and requested that from now on no more 'dates' on fridays, events are different but if he's doing something he can do on any other d@mn night of the week- then its not okay.

 

Just got email back- apparently he does have an event- no further details suppiled so I'm assuming that it still falls under the mantle of date. Jerk. Its his one night a week he always has with his son, wanker. Its like I'm not allowed to have boundaries, this whole way through, any time I've expressed 'this is the line' he gets pissy and acts like I'm the biggest fracking bi-atch in the world.

 

His profession should ensure that he understands all too well that I'm being really fracking reasonable- unfortunately it just means that he thinks he's being really fracking reasonable. Jerk, wanker, moron, disrespectful SOB.

Aughhh!

[azianpride143]

Unconsciously he's saying the changes in you and wants to compete for attention. He's not 100% sure on his new found relationship and wants to make sure he's got you in the back pocket. Just in case.

 

I wouldn't over analyze the situation. It's a waste of brain power. It's not worth it. Your better off focusing it on yourself and your kid.

[Melovator]

Unconsciously he's saying the changes in you and wants to compete for attention. He's not 100% sure on his new found relationship and wants to make sure he's got you in the back pocket. Just in case.

 

I wouldn't over analyze the situation. It's a waste of brain power. It's not worth it. Your better off focusing it on yourself and your kid.

 

If he's still wanting to sleep with me, then no, he's not 100% sure on his new relationship, but that's not my problem he took the easy way out and I don't think there's even a hard way back for him now. But him f*cking around on MY night and basically making it plain that that's what was going is disrespectful. I want to know NOTHING about his new relationship- NOTHING!

 

I can't help over analysing, its my nature, hence the wanting to be Schulz from Hogan's Heroes "NUssing! I know nussing!" Then there's not a damn thing for me to analyse.

 

I've found another crush, poor bloke's just had the same big pile of cr@p poured on him a while ago, handling it very well. He's funny, self confident without being arrogant, honest about himself. Unfortunately he's one of my friend's boss. Not that she'd care- she'd bloody encourage it. He has a nice smile too, plus I ran into him the other day and we were talking about the concept of 'f**k buddies'...??? (In the over all- how are you going with all this cr@p conversation)

 

I'm just putting out little feelers here and there, catching up with people I haven't seen for a while. Another of my mother's wisdoms when talking about sex was "Ask yourself- will I be ashamed that I slept with him tommorrow? Next week? Next Year? At the end of your life?" She was referring specifically to losing one's virginity but I think it applies equally to any sexual partner.

 

So I'm not going to go completely wild or anything- not that I've ever been one for COMPLETE wildness as in whole life out of control- I can pick my controlled moments of wildness (if that makes sense)...

 

He keeps calling me baby and its drives me so mad I want to sing the chorus from that Madison Avenue song to him (oh Australian act)

see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4-PcMSxrUA

 

MOstly I want to sing this bit- the rest is off topic:

 

Don’t think that I'm not strong

I’m the one to take you on

Don’t under estimate me

Boy ill make you sorry you were born

 

You don’t know me the way you really should

You’re sure misunderstood

Don’t call me baby

 

You got some nerve and baby that will never do

You know I don’t belong to you

Its time you knew I'm not your baby

I belong to me

So don’t call me baby

 

I have that song on CD around here somewhere... need to put it on my iPod, perfect for house painting!