Why Would I Tell???

[FavoriteHeadache]

I can't see ever telling my wife what went on with another women ever. What would be the point? It would just hurt her. And me bringing it up just seems like a malicious act. It's not going to happen.

 

What happened must have happened for a reason so why would I analyze it to death? It happened because it happened. We couldn't help it (seriously).

 

Her husband was a total jerk (believe me) and really didn't care anymore and left her completely wanting and vulnerable. I think that she hates him actually but she's too damned weak to stand up to him (she seems to fear him). And on my end, my wife loves me (and I love her) but we have grown very far apart over the years. She is busy with the kids and her life and I am somewhat excluded in a way. I've become used to it. She just somehow cannot get past certain barriers and is ok with not doing so and letting things be as they are. Our kids range from college-age to preschool LOL! Yes we are the two genetic parents of all of them. We had some young and some not so young. The wife hasn't worked in 20 years (outside the home) and as just totally comfortable with the way things are.

 

When I met MW neither of us had any intention of getting involved as we ended up getting but the more we got to know each other it just became the obvious next step. We both agreed that we would regret NOT GETTING together more than we would regret getting together. Something just seems to happen in your mid 40's....

 

I don't want to hurt anybody and never did. I don't want to hurt my wife and I don't want to hurt Mw either. There's no sense in telling anyone anything really. Besides, my wife knew all along that we were talking a lot and was ok with it for the most part (she really was). It is MW's husband that totally flipped out. He's a total jerk really. MW always forwarded me everything he wrote her in email and he is just a total ass. It's a long story really but suffice it to say that no other women I know would put up with his crap. She's way too nice of a person (it's actually a flaw) and I have told her as much.

 

I ended up emailing her husband after things were found out and he didn't like hearing what I had to say about him. This guy hides from life. He makes a lot of $$$$ and portrays himself totally differently than he actually is. He calls me her "boyfriend" and it is true that we were very close friends. She needed me. I can't tell the whole story because it would give it all away.

 

I haven't spoken with her in about 3 weeks now since he's found out and I wonder how they are doing. She really should leave his abusive ass. He threatened to sue me and tell my wife and all that and I told him to go right ahead (knowing that he has nothing he can sue me for). And my wife KNOWS that me and MW were talking a lot anyway, a FACT that this guy found hard to believe!

 

It all started innocently enough actually. I never hid it from my wife. But we grew very close and things happened that shouldn't have. It was never about sex but more about empathizing and support. She is exceptionally good looking and fun loving. It's hard to believe that any of this actually happened and even harder to believe that I feel justified for doing what I did but I do.

 

As far as anyone knows we were just good friends and that's all. It ended when he found out we were talking a lot. I doubt that she'll break and tell him everything because frankly she fears him too much to do that. And I certainly don't plan on telling my wife the whole story because I see no point in doing so.

 

We were and are good friends and I miss her. I feel bad for her situation especially now. Either their situation will get better or their marriage will end. I hope it gets better because though I really think she is fantastic I was never willing to exit my marriage and leave my family and she knows it. We did what we had to and at the time it was right. Now we just have to live with it.

[whichwayisup]

Just be prepared for OW's husband or OW herself to contact YOUR wife.

 

You don't want to suffer ANY consquences of your selfish choices by having an affair on your wife.

 

Question. What about next time? Will you allow yourself to fall into the arms of another woman when you feel neglected or unneeded by your wife? Or will you TALK to your wife, tell her you're unhappy, and together you two reconnect, remember what it was that brought the two of you together? Are you willing to go to marriage counselling with your wife to make your marriage better than ever?

 

If you can live without telling your wife that you cheated, just know that 'someone' actually, afew people 'know' about your affair, so it could come back and bite you big time......

 

Your wife trusted you, had faith in you about the MW, I doubt very much she knows you've been having sex with MW!

[silent_cadence]

Being in the situation I'm in I couldn't agree more.

[TogetherForever]

And, Everything done in the dark Will come out in the light!

[FavoriteHeadache]

...she doesn't know and if she ever finds out then she finds out. I can't change what happened and I'm not running from it either.

I don't expect you to understand because you're not me. You know nothing about the true circumstances or what led to our meeting to begin with. That would explain a lot.

As far as marriage counseling goes, that would make absolutely no difference whatsoever. My marriage isn't ruined. It is what it is and what it will always be. I have no plans of letting this happen again. It was a mistake but under the circumstances it's understandable (atleast to me). I'm not going to kick my own ass over this. It happened and it's understandable. Life goes on.

[FavoriteHeadache]

True.......so let it.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Being in the situation I'm in I couldn't agree more.

 

I'm sorry but I'm not familiar with your situation (yet). But I guess you must know what this is like. It happened and I can't change that fact. I can't say I regret it much either because it didn't seem wrong. We needed each other at the time and we both knew it was temporary.

[TogetherForever]

True.......so let it.

 

 

I like your screen name!!

Welcome to LS!!

[FavoriteHeadache]

I like your screen name!!

Welcome to LS!!

 

Lol, thanks.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

He's a total jerk really. suffice it to say that no other women I know would put up with his crap. She's way too nice of a person (it's actually a flaw) and I have told her as much.

 

Except maybe your wife?? Taking care of a large family can be difficult, why don't you encourage your wife to get some male friends of her own, men who can empathize with her and make her feel wanted and desired like you did the other woman.

 

I'll tell you, what really scares me about your situation, if this man is the "hothead" that you describe him as he is not going to take infidelity sitting down. Topper or maybe Trimmer have a post on here somewhere about a man that walked up and shot the other man and then killed himself and he wittnessed it. It would behoove ANYONE to know what the BS is capable of before progressing into an affair with a MP.

 

Open up your marriage or leave. These things don't just happen, people make a choice for them to happen and these same people also think that they can choose them without accepting the consequences but that NEVER happens. There are always dire consequences for everyone involved. I hope your children don't loose their father over this. Your wife may not know it but she doesn't have a husband. You state at the beginning that you know it would hurt her but you gambled that for what YOU wanted, a real man doesn't gamble his wifes happiness for a peice of a$$.

[TogetherForever]

Lol, thanks.

 

 

 

You're welcome!!

[FavoriteHeadache]

He's a total jerk really. suffice it to say that no other women I know would put up with his crap. She's way too nice of a person (it's actually a flaw) and I have told her as much.

 

Except maybe your wife?? Taking care of a large family can be difficult, why don't you encourage your wife to get some male friends of her own, men who can empathize with her and make her feel wanted and desired like you did the other woman.

 

I'll tell you, what really scares me about your situation, if this man is the "hothead" that you describe him as he is not going to take infidelity sitting down. Topper or maybe Trimmer have a post on here somewhere about a man that walked up and shot the other man and then killed himself and he wittnessed it. It would behoove ANYONE to know what the BS is capable of before progressing into an affair with a MP.

 

Open up your marriage or leave. These things don't just happen, people make a choice for them to happen and these same people also think that they can choose them without accepting the consequences but that NEVER happens. There are always dire consequences for everyone involved. I hope your children don't loose their father over this. Your wife may not know it but she doesn't have a husband. You state at the beginning that you know it would hurt her but you gambled that for what YOU wanted, a real man doesn't gamble his wifes happiness for a peice of a$$.

 

Frankly I'm not too scared of this guy. Let him come over. I don't feel like I have much to hide really. You don't understand a tenth of what you seem to think you do.

I didn't gamble anything. I admit what I did and live with it. My wife most certainly does have a husband. Easy for you to say whatever you want to from cyberspace. You obviously don't understand anything about these sorts of things so I'll let it slide.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I understand exactly what she will go through when/if she finds out. I've lost two children and a mother that was my best friend, but all of that combined cannot begin to touch the pain and misery of betrayal of a spouse. That is something YOU can't understand, I hope she doesn't find out for her sake. I pitty her but it was beyond your control right.

[FavoriteHeadache]

This didn't happen because of a blatant decision, it just happened. It's hard to explain this. What can I do now except admit it and deal with it? I'm not running from this and will accept the consequences. It can't be undone. I'm not proud of it but I understand it. I'm not willing to let others "guilt" me all out either. I know what happened. It shouldn't have but it did. These sorts of things seem to have a life of their own. It's not premeditation it's natural when all elements are there. Before this happened to me I would have NEVER understood this sort of thing. Now I do.

[FavoriteHeadache]

I understand exactly what she will go through when/if she finds out. I've lost two children and a mother that was my best friend, but all of that combined cannot begin to touch the pain and misery of betrayal of a spouse. That is something YOU can't understand, I hope she doesn't find out for her sake. I pitty her but it was beyond your control right.

 

She'll get over it. She's not "perfect" either. I'll probably end up telling her eventually I would think. She had her own little thing about 15 years ago. No this wasn't pay-back. This was a sincere friendship that turned into more. Such is life.

I got over it and know all the pain involved but we were kids then pretty much. Somehow I don't think it would bother me so much nowadays. As you age and your time starts running short you tend to not waste time anymore. I know how that sounds but it's true.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You only understand one part of it. We are ALL human, we all have the possibility for feelings for another person, some of us however have the strength and forsight to avoid dangerous situation. IM NOT TRYING TO GUILT YOU. I'm trying to tell you that if your wife finds out (and God I hope she doesn't) she will never again love you like she does at this moment. When you see how this "situation" affects her THEN you will understand the whole part of it.

[ruby_gloom]

:sick::sick:

[Tomcat33]

... I have no plans of letting this happen again. It was a mistake but under the circumstances it's understandable (atleast to me).

 

 

I hear what you're saying but you also said in your first post that you had no plans of getting involved with the woman you are involved with now.

Having no plans for an A is clearly not going to excempt you from having another A...given your past actions it would appear that way.

 

Just a thought

 

Sometimes it seems nit picky to look at the way we speak but the language we use influences our actions in a very unconscious way. If you train yourself to think "I'll try my best" or "I have no plans" your brain reads that as leaving room for the opposite to happen.

 

Personally I am not convinced this won't happen to you again somewhere down the road, and I don't think you're fully convince of that either.

 

Please accept my comments as observations, you will do as you are set out to do. I am just wondering if you are aware of how your thought process comes across?

 

As far as why would you tell? Well I am not sure you HAVE to tell provided you are willing to put in the work to mend the marriage's problems that you feel got you to the point of wanting to stray. I just find it hard to read your comment about "you have accpeted things as they are" because that to me says that you also accept that because things are as they are, in future you will be justified to stray again given the opportunity. I see it as you wanting to keep things as they are to allow yourself an excuse to do this again.

[FavoriteHeadache]

You only understand one part of it. We are ALL human, we all have the possibility for feelings for another person, some of us however have the strength and forsight to avoid dangerous situation. IM NOT TRYING TO GUILT YOU. I'm trying to tell you that if your wife finds out (and God I hope she doesn't) she will never again love you like she does at this moment. When you see how this "situation" affects her THEN you will understand the whole part of it.

 

And some of us have the strength to befriend someone else when we feel it is necessary in spite of the consequences. You obviously don't understand this but I respect your opinion, I really do. You don't have any clue what really happened. You only understand one part as well. So be it.

 

Look, this can't be undone. I have to face it and live with it. What else can I do? I love my wife and she knows it. Nothing can change that. I'll always love her. And I forgave her infidelity of the past too. We're here today and gone tomorrow. This really shouldn't be such a devastating thing after all is said and done. I can't change what happened. I have to move on.

[FavoriteHeadache]

I hear what you're saying but you also said in your first post that you had no plans of getting involved with the woman you are involved with now.

Having no plans for an A is clearly not going to excempt you from having another A...given your past actions it would appear that way.

 

Just a thought

 

Sometimes it seems nit picky to look at the way we speak but the language we use influences our actions in a very unconscious way. If you train yourself to think "I'll try my best" or "I have no plans" your brain reads that as leaving room for the opposite to happen.

 

Personally I am not convinced this won't happen to you again somewhere down the road, and I don't think you're fully convince of that either.

 

Please accept my comments as observations, you will do as you are set out to do. I am just wondering if you are aware of how your thought process comes across?

 

As far as why would you tell? Well I am not sure you HAVE to tell provided you are willing to put in the work to mend the marriage's problems that you feel got you to the point of wanting to stray. I just find it hard to read your comment about "you have accpeted things as they are" because that to me says that you also accept that because things are as they are, in future you will be justified to stray again given the opportunity. I see it as you wanting to keep things as they are to allow yourself an excuse to do this again.

 

 

Thanks for your comments but it wasn't that "I WANTED" to stray. That's what seems to get lost in all of this. You guys don't understand the whole story and I really can't tell it on a public forum either. Things aren't as they probably appear. I wasn't looking for anything to happen, it wasn't planned, and I still find this all hard to believe. This was not what I would consider a typical "A" at all. It wasn't about sex and never was. The sex wasn't a significant part of it really and was infrequent. That was just a natural expression that came out from time to time. We had developed a real bond and a true friendship. It was very real but very strange now that I look back. I doubt this would have ever happened with anyone besides her.

 

Understand that I formed many close friendships with the opposite sex over the past year on the internet on certain forums where we all needed support for a common problem. I formed many with other guys too. We were all friends and benefited greatly from mutual support. I talked to many on the phone and helped them and they helped me. My wife knew about it all. I didn't hide a thing. With this one woman things went a little too well. She needed my support and I gave it. Then it turned into something it shouldn't have and neither of us were looking for what eventually happened. But it did happen. What am I to do now? Do I simply conclude that men and women cannot be friends ever because this will always end up happening? I'm thinking that that might in fact be the case actually.

This woman was gorgeous. I fell. So did she. It happened. Nothing I can do about it now but move on and make sure I don't put myself in such a situation again. It's not worth it because it greatly IMPACTS others! That's what you tend not to see while in the middle of things. But I refuse to kick my own ass over this. I understand what led to this and it is understandable. She is exactly the sort of woman I would have married and she would have married me. We clicked that well. But it was not meant to be and it was a mistake to go as far as we did. We both knew it too. But we decided that we'd regret NOT getting close to each other more than getting close to each other and now we both have to live with it. We are responsible for our actions, past, present, and future. This can NEVER be allowed to happen again. I can't believe it even happened. But it did.

 

Anyway, I better go now. I have money to collect and stuff to do.

[Cobra_X30]

favorite, obviously nobody here really understands you or what happend to you. I think they are responding more to your attitude. My 2 cents... Yes, dont tell you wife, she deserves to hear the news from another guy. You dont need to feel guilty because you have to wake up every day and be you... and that should be penance enough.

[Tomcat33]

Thanks for your comments but it wasn't that "I WANTED" to stray. That's what seems to get lost in all of this. You guys don't understand the whole story and I really can't tell it on a public forum either. Things aren't as they probably appear. I wasn't looking for anything to happen, it wasn't planned, and I still find this all hard to believe. This was not what I would consider a typical "A" at all. It wasn't about sex and never was. The sex wasn't a significant part of it really and was infrequent. That was just a natural expression that came out from time to time. We had developed a real bond and a true friendship. It was very real but very strange now that I look back. I doubt this would have ever happened with anyone besides her.

 

Understand that I formed many close friendships with the opposite sex over the past year on the internet on certain forums where we all needed support for a common problem. I formed many with other guys too. We were all friends and benefited greatly from mutual support. I talked to many on the phone and helped them and they helped me. My wife knew about it all. I didn't hide a thing. With this one woman things went a little too well. She needed my support and I gave it. Then it turned into something it shouldn't have and neither of us were looking for what eventually happened. But it did happen. What am I to do now? Do I simply conclude that men and women cannot be friends ever because this will always end up happening? I'm thinking that that might in fact be the case actually.

This woman was gorgeous. I fell. So did she. It happened. Nothing I can do about it now but move on and make sure I don't put myself in such a situation again. It's not worth it because it greatly IMPACTS others! That's what you tend not to see while in the middle of things. But I refuse to kick my own ass over this. I understand what led to this and it is understandable. She is exactly the sort of woman I would have married and she would have married me. We clicked that well. But it was not meant to be and it was a mistake to go as far as we did. We both knew it too. But we decided that we'd regret NOT getting close to each other more than getting close to each other and now we both have to live with it. We are responsible for our actions, past, present, and future. This can NEVER be allowed to happen again. I can't believe it even happened. But it did.

 

Anyway, I better go now. I have money to collect and stuff to do.

 

 

Well I think you missed my point. I said that because you have no plans on it happening again it doesn't mean it won't because afterall you had no plans for it to happen the first time yet it did.

 

You may think you never wanted it to happen but everything you described about how it lead to your A is 100% how most people DON'T SEE IT HAPPENING (translation = I didn't do it intentionally) No you may not have done it intentionally but something inside did intentionally push to put yourself in a dangerous situation where it might happen. And that still doesn't negate that fact that you put yourself in the perfect situation for something like this to possibly happen. When you are reaching out to women for emotional support you are playing with fire. Surely I don't need to spell that out for you we are all adults here and we should not undermine our power of intelligence.

 

Furthermore, learning that your wife first strayed from you is even more of a reaosn to think that you were inclined to put yourself in a dangerous situation because subconsciously you may have wanted some form of revenge on your W.

 

I don't need to know all the details of your situation but given what you have shared on here the conclusions are easily drawn.

 

As per your A being about an emotional tie as apposed to just sex, most affairs ARE about an emotional need being met and far less about the sex. Do the research and you will be surprised just how many men actually stray purely for sex. you'd be shocked at the response.

[torranceshipman]

Cobra, another good post there!

 

Come on man, you cheated on your W, of course she deserves to know. It's all about being respectful, and facing up to the consequences of your actions, having integrity, admitting to your mistakes, loving her enough to let her know the truth, for you both to face up to the issues in your marriage, and to not be shortchanging her so badly by becoming involved with another woman behind her back.

 

There is no justification for an A...lots of people don't plan it, lots of people do it for the emotions, not for the sex, so there's plenty of people on this board who are in a very similar situation to you. And it sounds like you don't even think you really did much wrong. I know you can only think like this while you're keeping the A a secret, but if your W knew, you'd coming crashing down to earth and have the big old reality check you need...

 

In fact if you really want a reality check, speak to some kids/teenagers who found out their dad had an A. I have (I'm a teacher), and they lose all respect for the father and get torn apart by this kind of stuff. But hey, I guess 'they don't understand' because they 'don't know the full story' , just like us. Right?

[FavoriteHeadache]

favorite, obviously nobody here really understands you or what happend to you. I think they are responding more to your attitude. My 2 cents... Yes, dont tell you wife, she deserves to hear the news from another guy. You dont need to feel guilty because you have to wake up every day and be you... and that should be penance enough.

 

 

Penance? We see this totally differently I guess.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Well I think you missed my point. I said that because you have no plans on it happening again it doesn't mean it won't because afterall you had no plans for it to happen the first time yet it did.

 

You may think you never wanted it to happen but everything you described about how it lead to your A is 100% how most people DON'T SEE IT HAPPENING (translation = I didn't do it intentionally) No you may not have done it intentionally but something inside did intentionally push to put yourself in a dangerous situation where it might happen. And that still doesn't negate that fact that you put yourself in the perfect situation for something like this to possibly happen. When you are reaching out to women for emotional support you are playing with fire. Surely I don't need to spell that out for you we are all adults here and we should not undermine our power of intelligence.

 

Furthermore, learning that your wife first strayed from you is even more of a reaosn to think that you were inclined to put yourself in a dangerous situation because subconsciously you may have wanted some form of revenge on your W.

 

I don't need to know all the details of your situation but given what you have shared on here the conclusions are easily drawn.

 

As per your A being about an emotional tie as apposed to just sex, most affairs ARE about an emotional need being met and far less about the sex. Do the research and you will be surprised just how many men actually stray purely for sex. you'd be shocked at the response.

 

Frankly I don't much care about "most" affairs or anything else about it. I only know about my own situation. Also I have to say that I do appreciate all the feedback though I understand that little is understood by any of you (especially those who this has never happened to). It's easy to sit and judge and I KNOW I would have judged too if this happened to others.

I'm pretty much blown away by what others think and I understand how they see things and I accept it for what it is. I think you guys all mean well and come from a "good" place but seem incapable of any true empathy and that's totally understandable.

 

While it's true that what happened was a mistake it is just as true that there were valid reasons for them to happen or they wouldn't have happened. There's not much more to conclude really. 1 + 1 = 2. It happened, it shouldn't have and bla, bla, bla.....

 

If that guy comes over here and starts crap he'll regret it. I know more about him and his cruelty than he knows I know. He'll be the sob slinking away and sorry that he came. He can do nothing to me because he has no proof of anything (except that he's an ******* and can't take care of his own wife on any level). My wife already knows that her husband found out that we had been talking and told me to just stay the hell away from her and not talk to her or that woman will bring me down further. She knows how pissed he is and probably expects some sort of crap. My wife doesn't understand the full thing that went on but knows enough to realize most of what is going on. I would tell her the full truth in a heartbeat if I thought it would help but I don't see how it would. That guy has no proof of anything and can say whatever the hell he wants to or imagine whatever he wants. I only know that what went on was between me and that woman and not between me and him. If he wants to start crap with me he's going to be sorry. He'd be better off examining his own life and seeing wtf he did to drive her so far away. He has as much blame about this as she does and frankly I think he knows it.

 

On my end things are different than on their end. I was foolish and weak. My wife didn't deserve any of this. And in fact I didn't do it to hurt her and didn't mean to. She had nothing to do with it. I guess it shows how far apart we had grown through all these years but she actually could care less that I was talking to a bunch of people daily. It's not like I left some close relationship and went out whoring. But still, my wife didn't deserve any of this. Looking back I see things more clearly than I did then. And I'm ok with things as they are. No sense in regretting something that can't be changed. I'm sorry it happened but can't change it now. It's just that simple.