Why Would I Tell???

[OpenBook]

The last thing either one of us would need would be to have some shrink or whatever psycho-analyzing everything and driving us totally insane, lol! ... Still I wouldn't be that against going to such a thing because it would probably be fun in a way but I really don't think it would be beneficial in the long run. We would end up pretty much learning what we already know.

 

 

Or it might give you some insight or perspective that you didn't have before, Favorite -- which might somehow lead to a happier existence in your marriage??

 

But I'm just as skeptical about shrinks as you are. I guess it depends on the shrink.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Or it might give you some insight or perspective that you didn't have before, Favorite -- which might somehow lead to a happier existence in your marriage??

 

But I'm just as skeptical about shrinks as you are. I guess it depends on the shrink.

 

Yepper......

She would NEVER agree to go to one in a million years! She's comfortable with things the way they are or I would know about it.

 

While there was some emotional need I guess I had that ended up leading to the heaviness with OW it really isn't what led to it actually happening. I have had chances b4 and I never caved in. This was an extraordinary thing. I felt for OW and what she was going through deeply. I understood her problem because I had it too. And I was incredibly attracted to her looks too.

 

My wife is an attractive woman as well. She gets hit on all the time. That's just life. So it wasn't that that made me "jump". It really wasn't just a physical thing at all but obviously that played a MAJOR role too.

OW is attractive in a different way. She's petite and very HOT and a very sweet person. Everyone looks at her in public. She's just one of those women. She dresses very nicely (in my eyes) and can wear anything and get away with it.

My wife is just as attractive but in a somewhat different way. It's hard to explain but I'm sure you know what I mean.

I never really thought about the comparison at all until now. But that really had nothing to do with anything. The physical is just the physical.

 

Anyway I'm just glad it's over now.

Here's the w. Better send this and go, lol.......

[IpAncA]

Yepper......

She would NEVER agree to go to one in a million years! She's comfortable with things the way they are or I would know about it.

 

Then maybe it's time to wake her up. Take her out of her comfort zone and bring her to reality.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Then maybe it's time to wake her up. Take her out of her comfort zone and bring her to reality.

 

 

What?

 

Look, it is impossible to give an accurate picture about things on a forum like this.

 

The point is that we have been together for a long time and there is no reason to complicate things further. What happened, happened. Oh frichen well, ya know?

[Tomcat33]

I'll explain the whole thing later today about what exactly happened and why. I'd be curious to hear what you think then. It probably won't change much for anyone else but atleast you guys will know exactly how I look at all of this and why I'm ok with letting it go.

 

 

Well stop pussy-footing around already and just tell us what it is that will help us understand your situation better. Otherwise we are all going in circles and you seem to be getting frustrated by how "off" our assesments are of your situation yet you give us the exact same details to work with that make you look like you really don't give a crap about what happened or what you want to do from this point on.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Well stop pussy-footing around already and just tell us what it is that will help us understand your situation better. Otherwise we are all going in circles and you seem to be getting frustrated by how "off" our assesments are of your situation yet you give us the exact same details to work with that make you look like you really don't give a crap about what happened or what you want to do from this point on.

 

Lol! Actually I really don't give a damn anymore. It is OVER and I'm at peace with it. I'm moving on.

Thanx anyway.

[Tomcat33]

Lol! Actually I really don't give a damn anymore. It is OVER and I'm at peace with it. I'm moving on.

Thanx anyway.

 

 

Yeah no kidding you don't give a damn, and "anymore?"

It's what we've been trying to tell you all along...at least you agree we were right on the money on that one!

[FavoriteHeadache]

Yeah no kidding you don't give a damn, and "anymore?"

It's what we've been trying to tell you all along...at least you agree we were right on the money on that one!

 

ok.

[Sheba]

I have considered the question posed by your thread title. It is not an easy question. I have finally settled on an answer -I am sorry if I am repeating what others have already stated.

 

I think you should tell because someone else might.

 

There may be other reasons to tell, but this one is very powerful, in my view. It may sound like rather juvenile morality - but it convinces me completely, whereas the more elevated standards leave me confused.

 

You can never be sure your secret is safe, and I think that you risk a lot by trying to keep that secret.

 

I would be even more traumatized by deception if I learned of it from a third party. At least hearing it from my husband would show he had some respect for me. I would feel that he actually regretted his misconduct. If he were simply reacting to being discovered, his regrets would seem insincere.

 

I realize it is ironic to say you should tell because you might get caught and if you do your remorse will seem as if it is based solely on the fact you got caught....but still, I feel strongly that it would be best for a betrayed spouse to get this information from the betrayer.

[whirlwinds_sister]

Just be prepared for OW's husband or OW herself to contact YOUR wife.

 

You don't want to suffer ANY consquences of your selfish choices by having an affair on your wife.

 

Question. What about next time? Will you allow yourself to fall into the arms of another woman when you feel neglected or unneeded by your wife? Or will you TALK to your wife, tell her you're unhappy, and together you two reconnect, remember what it was that brought the two of you together? Are you willing to go to marriage counselling with your wife to make your marriage better than ever?

 

If you can live without telling your wife that you cheated, just know that 'someone' actually, afew people 'know' about your affair, so it could come back and bite you big time......

 

Your wife trusted you, had faith in you about the MW, I doubt very much she knows you've been having sex with MW!

 

No offense, but I always love these very simplistic answers. It is always assumed that the person who went outside of their marriage never once brought up to their spouse that they were unhappy and that it is they who wants their cake and eat it too. Sadly, it is often the spouse that steps out who is at the point of utter frustration and I believe the one taken advantage of. For me and my OM, we both talked to our spouses until we were blue in the face about their treatment of us. They both were callous and indifferent. Should we then leave? Probably so, but we both feel bound by our children and we both resent that it is us who have to leave when both of us are the ones willing to make the effort, even now after finding someone who we know we would be both emotionally and physically satisfied with. You see, we were the ones who both wanted to keep the dream of the marriage alive, however, you can't make someone behave differently. Often the person is in a marriage and totally unwilling to do anything and you know why? Because that person sees nothing wrong with what is going on. They are getting their needs met, whether it be the husband or the wife, but the spouse is dying inside. Let's take the wife who can do without sex, is verbally abusive to her husband, but she has a father to her kids from other relationships at her beck and call now and she has a steady income and he picks up the slack around the house to boot. Well, she's fine--it doesn't matter to her and there is no incentive to change when her husband is emotionally dying from her treatment. In fact the only thing that motivated this woman was jealousy when another woman was in the picture and even then, she couldn't help from slipping back into her old ways when she THOUGHT the threat was gone. Or how about the wife who is dying for intimacy, but her spouse is neglectful and distant and tells her he is fine with how things are. He sees no reason to either see a doctor for a potential medical issue or to seek counseling, even though she cries and begs and pleads with him to help change things. What do you say to these people who know they don't want to abandon their children or disrupt their lives, but they know they need some kind of emotional connection?

 

Honestly, for my OM and I we have decided that even though we would prefer a lifetime with each other, we will accept, just as we do in our marriages, what we can have. We connect with each other regularly, lean on one another, and when we have the chance to see each other in person, yes, we connect intimately as well. Quite frankly, I think I've lost all faith in men being any different that I am satisfied with this. I think men are lazy in marriage and I don't want a part of another marriage. At this point, I prefer the intimacy and deep connection of an A-something that almost deepens and keeps its intensity by nature of the fact that you are always out of arms reach of one another and then also have the stability for the children and financially of the marriage. I can't see giving up one or the other now for someone else's 'principles'. BTDT, no thanks..I am starting to believe this is the way to go. Do I feel for my spouse anymore? Hell no! He has shown such callous indifference and outright hostility to my feelings and needs that at this point, I don't regret a thing. You can't expect to keep treating someone like crap and expect them to either stay or be faithful...just not going to happen.

 

As for all this flowery, just tell them what's bothering you. Sorry folks, many of us have btdt for years and it was after years of it that we finally reached out to someone else emotionally. And divorce, that is another thing that is so easy to just throw out there...I think maybe the old European model was right...what was it called? A marriage inside of a marriage? I'm sure I'll offend some people's sensibilities here, well, sorry...I'm just so tired of reading these barbs that suggest that the 'cheater' has been some timid, quiet church mouse who never made it known how unhappy they are. No, many times whatever was said became ammunition for the spouse to wield even more power and control over the situation. It sucks. I wish I could either be relieved in good conscience from this marriage or relieved entirely of my morality to accept a long term affair with my OM.

[whirlwinds_sister]

And, Everything done in the dark Will come out in the light!

 

One can only hope that includes the bad behavior of spouses who appear like angels on this board and in real life too.

[whirlwinds_sister]

I'm sorry but I'm not familiar with your situation (yet). But I guess you must know what this is like. It happened and I can't change that fact. I can't say I regret it much either because it didn't seem wrong. We needed each other at the time and we both knew it was temporary.

 

That is an interesting way to put it. OM and I have no regrets where one another are concerned either. I mean how can you regret being with someone you would have chosen as a partner if you both had been available and with whom you maintain a close and loving friendship with? We can't, but we both tell our spouses that nothing more happened--we aren't fools either and know how the 'injured' will moan about their hurt even after dishing out years of it on their own.

Do I sound bitter today? You better believe it and these are feelings I'd have without the presence of OM. I'm tired of being treated like crap in my current situation. Just tired of it.

[whirlwinds_sister]

He's a total jerk really. suffice it to say that no other women I know would put up with his crap. She's way too nice of a person (it's actually a flaw) and I have told her as much.

 

Except maybe your wife?? Taking care of a large family can be difficult, why don't you encourage your wife to get some male friends of her own, men who can empathize with her and make her feel wanted and desired like you did the other woman.

 

I'll tell you, what really scares me about your situation, if this man is the "hothead" that you describe him as he is not going to take infidelity sitting down. Topper or maybe Trimmer have a post on here somewhere about a man that walked up and shot the other man and then killed himself and he wittnessed it. It would behoove ANYONE to know what the BS is capable of before progressing into an affair with a MP.

 

Open up your marriage or leave. These things don't just happen, people make a choice for them to happen and these same people also think that they can choose them without accepting the consequences but that NEVER happens. There are always dire consequences for everyone involved. I hope your children don't loose their father over this. Your wife may not know it but she doesn't have a husband. You state at the beginning that you know it would hurt her but you gambled that for what YOU wanted, a real man doesn't gamble his wifes happiness for a peice of a$$.

 

And a real spouse doesn't gamble on their partners happiness because they are content with the rut they are in. Seriously, so many of us end up here because it was our spouses who didn't take our needs seriously to begin with, yet we are supposed to be so concerned about theirs when we, like them, find the thing that makes us find some contentedness...excuse me while I LMAO and have little compassion anymore for the POOR, GRIEVED betrayed spouses. I don't pretend to say all, but if a good many got their act together to begin with when they knew their partners were unhappy they would not be on the receiving end of news about an A. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Sometimes for a spouses indifference and neglect the other spouse pushes back by finding the connection somewhere else.

[whirlwinds_sister]

She'll get over it. She's not "perfect" either. I'll probably end up telling her eventually I would think. She had her own little thing about 15 years ago. No this wasn't pay-back. This was a sincere friendship that turned into more. Such is life.

I got over it and know all the pain involved but we were kids then pretty much. Somehow I don't think it would bother me so much nowadays. As you age and your time starts running short you tend to not waste time anymore. I know how that sounds but it's true.

 

I'm going to take that a different direction and apply that to my A. He and I wasted no time getting closer both emotionally and physically. There is something about being older where you just don't beat around the bush anymore(so to speak). You put everything out there and while it may not be in attempt to hook up with someone, I think it may be a frankness that people do not experience when they are younger as a male and a female. I wonder, since I've never dated as a middle age person, if people are also that frank in dating situations as well.

[whirlwinds_sister]

You only understand one part of it. We are ALL human, we all have the possibility for feelings for another person, some of us however have the strength and forsight to avoid dangerous situation. IM NOT TRYING TO GUILT YOU. I'm trying to tell you that if your wife finds out (and God I hope she doesn't) she will never again love you like she does at this moment. When you see how this "situation" affects her THEN you will understand the whole part of it.

 

Wow, that would be a real loss in my situation:rolleyes:(I'm sorry, I admit I am a tad sarcastic given how crappy things have been)

[whirlwinds_sister]

Thanks for your comments but it wasn't that "I WANTED" to stray. That's what seems to get lost in all of this. You guys don't understand the whole story and I really can't tell it on a public forum either. Things aren't as they probably appear. I wasn't looking for anything to happen, it wasn't planned, and I still find this all hard to believe. This was not what I would consider a typical "A" at all. It wasn't about sex and never was. The sex wasn't a significant part of it really and was infrequent. That was just a natural expression that came out from time to time. We had developed a real bond and a true friendship. It was very real but very strange now that I look back. I doubt this would have ever happened with anyone besides her.

 

Understand that I formed many close friendships with the opposite sex over the past year on the internet on certain forums where we all needed support for a common problem. I formed many with other guys too. We were all friends and benefited greatly from mutual support. I talked to many on the phone and helped them and they helped me. My wife knew about it all. I didn't hide a thing. With this one woman things went a little too well. She needed my support and I gave it. Then it turned into something it shouldn't have and neither of us were looking for what eventually happened. But it did happen. What am I to do now? Do I simply conclude that men and women cannot be friends ever because this will always end up happening? I'm thinking that that might in fact be the case actually.

This woman was gorgeous. I fell. So did she. It happened. Nothing I can do about it now but move on and make sure I don't put myself in such a situation again. It's not worth it because it greatly IMPACTS others! That's what you tend not to see while in the middle of things. But I refuse to kick my own ass over this. I understand what led to this and it is understandable. She is exactly the sort of woman I would have married and she would have married me. We clicked that well. But it was not meant to be and it was a mistake to go as far as we did. We both knew it too. But we decided that we'd regret NOT getting close to each other more than getting close to each other and now we both have to live with it. We are responsible for our actions, past, present, and future. This can NEVER be allowed to happen again. I can't believe it even happened. But it did.

 

Anyway, I better go now. I have money to collect and stuff to do.

 

I'd better stop after this post or I'll make 11 pages of responses:o I wanted to say that I again relate to you saying it was not about the sex and that was infrequent. It is that way for me with my OM as well. We spend the majority of our time as friends, close friends and as you said, the sex seems to be a natural expression of this affection we have for one another. It is less lustful and more about an extension of our support for one another emotionally. Others aren't going to understand this, but I think it is why in this instance it makes you feel little regret for being that close with someone.

I differ from your case only in that my H does not love me, of that I'm sure. He doesn't want to lose his comfort zone and that's about it. That's another reason I have little regret at this point. How can I feel sorry for someone who only keeps me around so his life is easier? He'd regret I had an A because then he would know it means he can't control me.

[Tomcat33]

And a real spouse doesn't gamble on their partners happiness because they are content with the rut they are in. Seriously, so many of us end up here because it was our spouses who didn't take our needs seriously to begin with, yet we are supposed to be so concerned about theirs when we, like them, find the thing that makes us find some contentedness...excuse me while I LMAO and have little compassion anymore for the POOR, GRIEVED betrayed spouses. I don't pretend to say all, but if a good many got their act together to begin with when they knew their partners were unhappy they would not be on the receiving end of news about an A. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Sometimes for a spouses indifference and neglect the other spouse pushes back by finding the connection somewhere else.

 

 

GREAT last three posts WW_S!!! I couldn't agree more. Especially with the "simplistic" advice comment, too many times I too see such simplistic advice given as if people were machines that just operate on an on/off switch. It's fine to sit back and tell people well YES or well NO. Life and people are not that simple, situations are complex and it takes sometimes quite a few internal and external (mostly internal) factors to make life altering decisions. While in the case of this board, the A are sometimes more of a knee jerk reaction that is not given too much thought, what leads people to said point often HAS been given a lot of thought.

 

 

As per the last comment, I know for a fact each situation is unique in and of itself but I also know having been in enough long term rels. myself that every rel is 50/50% it takes two people to let a rel go to $hit, it takes to to want to save it it but if only one wants to save it it also takes two to become complacent with the current situation, I firmly believe that. If it's a case of one pratner abusing the other while the innocent partner really is not deserving of said treatment, then some of the blame is still on the abused for putting up with it. So no matter how you slice it in order for a rel to get to a point where it's critical I firmly believe it takes two, so I am with you on that one WW_S!

[whirlwinds_sister]

This is the part that troubles me, particularly when we're talking about empathy in the same breath.

 

Fact is, you do NOT know how your wife would feel, if she actually knew what was at stake and what had been going on. You only know what you hope she feels, and what you observe - through, I might point out, a biased lens. Had you talked to her about it, it's entirely possible you'd discover that she would be deeply troubled and would want to make changes rather than you have an affair. This is the thing that many MM/MW refuse to "understand" - they assume that because they've tried to talk about problems and met with no success, that there's no point in raising the stakes and showing just what might happen if talking doesn't work. In most cases, I think, the BS would indeed respond. But how will a MM/MW ever know, if they don't try?

 

You can come to terms with it, as you clearly have, and sleep well at night. But at least admit to yourself that you have no idea what your wife would have felt or done, whether she would have been willing to address problems with you in a way that would have made your marriage better, if she had known the truth. You do not know, and now you never will.

 

And I agree with Tomcat, that it sounds very much like you're leaving the door open to cheat again.

 

Not to put words in FH's mouth, but I wonder if when he assumes how his W would feel it is based upon the reflection of her not really having any concern that he was connecting with so many people to begin with. I have an emotionally detached spouse too and one who is content with being detached and I too wonder if he would even care what has gone on. I think that FH may be doing what I do and making a natural extension of their personality type to begin with. You are most likely talking about people who are a bit of an emotional void to begin with and have little passion over much of anything--it is hard to imagine those same types willing to throw it all away and act all indignant over something like this. My H even knew this OM has seen nude pictures of me and he didn't react all that much. I think it is a fair assumption that an A just wouldn't get him ruffled. It is sad and I don't know how FH is living in a relationship like that long term. I find that my love for my H dies a little more everyday with his treatment of me, but perhaps that is because I am a woman on the receiving end of that kind of distance and neglect.

BTW, this is what makes me know that my H will definitely never change. He has no passion about anything and I am no exception. In the end, it will be for me to decide what my conscience can handle and I know I don't want to live in an A situation forever. I deserve better then that and then my neglectful H...at this point I'm thinking that is living alone:o

[FavoriteHeadache]

I have considered the question posed by your thread title. It is not an easy question. I have finally settled on an answer -I am sorry if I am repeating what others have already stated.

 

I think you should tell because someone else might.

 

There may be other reasons to tell, but this one is very powerful, in my view. It may sound like rather juvenile morality - but it convinces me completely, whereas the more elevated standards leave me confused.

 

You can never be sure your secret is safe, and I think that you risk a lot by trying to keep that secret.

 

I would be even more traumatized by deception if I learned of it from a third party. At least hearing it from my husband would show he had some respect for me. I would feel that he actually regretted his misconduct. If he were simply reacting to being discovered, his regrets would seem insincere.

 

I realize it is ironic to say you should tell because you might get caught and if you do your remorse will seem as if it is based solely on the fact you got caught....but still, I feel strongly that it would be best for a betrayed spouse to get this information from the betrayer.

 

Thanks but I have decided to just forget about it all and move on. Nobody can say anything to my wife and be able to prove it except maybe the OW and that is highly unlikely. I believe that OW is definitely moving on and the last thing she would do is bring it up to my wife. She's just not a malicious woman and would have no reason to do so. Plus they live more than an hour from where I live and don't know where I live and have no personal contact info. Ow just has my cell phone number and email address. My home phone is unlisted.

 

I was trying to figure out how to come to terms with things but I have since done so. I decided to just forget about it and move on. Really there is nothing else I can do that would make any sense at all. What happened, happened. It is done and over with. It is in the past. It wasn't something I was looking for so I am ok to just leave it alone and move on. I can however say that it has changed me. I never thought I would have done anything like that but I did. I would have thought that I would have felt guiltier than hell but I didn't. In a way it makes it easier that it could happen again but also in a way it makes it much less likely too. Now I know what it's like. I'm not proud of having done so but I can see how and why it happened. I'm moving on and not looking back.

 

[FavoriteHeadache]

No offense, but I always love these very simplistic answers. It is always assumed that the person who went outside of their marriage never once brought up to their spouse that they were unhappy and that it is they who wants their cake and eat it too. Sadly, it is often the spouse that steps out who is at the point of utter frustration and I believe the one taken advantage of. For me and my OM, we both talked to our spouses until we were blue in the face about their treatment of us. They both were callous and indifferent. Should we then leave? Probably so, but we both feel bound by our children and we both resent that it is us who have to leave when both of us are the ones willing to make the effort, even now after finding someone who we know we would be both emotionally and physically satisfied with. You see, we were the ones who both wanted to keep the dream of the marriage alive, however, you can't make someone behave differently. Often the person is in a marriage and totally unwilling to do anything and you know why? Because that person sees nothing wrong with what is going on. They are getting their needs met, whether it be the husband or the wife, but the spouse is dying inside. Let's take the wife who can do without sex, is verbally abusive to her husband, but she has a father to her kids from other relationships at her beck and call now and she has a steady income and he picks up the slack around the house to boot. Well, she's fine--it doesn't matter to her and there is no incentive to change when her husband is emotionally dying from her treatment. In fact the only thing that motivated this woman was jealousy when another woman was in the picture and even then, she couldn't help from slipping back into her old ways when she THOUGHT the threat was gone. Or how about the wife who is dying for intimacy, but her spouse is neglectful and distant and tells her he is fine with how things are. He sees no reason to either see a doctor for a potential medical issue or to seek counseling, even though she cries and begs and pleads with him to help change things. What do you say to these people who know they don't want to abandon their children or disrupt their lives, but they know they need some kind of emotional connection?

 

Honestly, for my OM and I we have decided that even though we would prefer a lifetime with each other, we will accept, just as we do in our marriages, what we can have. We connect with each other regularly, lean on one another, and when we have the chance to see each other in person, yes, we connect intimately as well. Quite frankly, I think I've lost all faith in men being any different that I am satisfied with this. I think men are lazy in marriage and I don't want a part of another marriage. At this point, I prefer the intimacy and deep connection of an A-something that almost deepens and keeps its intensity by nature of the fact that you are always out of arms reach of one another and then also have the stability for the children and financially of the marriage. I can't see giving up one or the other now for someone else's 'principles'. BTDT, no thanks..I am starting to believe this is the way to go. Do I feel for my spouse anymore? Hell no! He has shown such callous indifference and outright hostility to my feelings and needs that at this point, I don't regret a thing. You can't expect to keep treating someone like crap and expect them to either stay or be faithful...just not going to happen.

 

As for all this flowery, just tell them what's bothering you. Sorry folks, many of us have btdt for years and it was after years of it that we finally reached out to someone else emotionally. And divorce, that is another thing that is so easy to just throw out there...I think maybe the old European model was right...what was it called? A marriage inside of a marriage? I'm sure I'll offend some people's sensibilities here, well, sorry...I'm just so tired of reading these barbs that suggest that the 'cheater' has been some timid, quiet church mouse who never made it known how unhappy they are. No, many times whatever was said became ammunition for the spouse to wield even more power and control over the situation. It sucks. I wish I could either be relieved in good conscience from this marriage or relieved entirely of my morality to accept a long term affair with my OM.

 

Exactly, lol. I don't know why they always assume that. Of course it had been brought up about a trillion times.

 

What me and OW shared was real and it was beautiful in a way. WE BOTH NEEDED IT. But still it really wasn't meant to last and when everything is carefully considered it was more wrong than it was right. Yet I do understand why it happened and how things like this occur.

 

Anyway, it is over now. I do miss OW but at tyhe same time I am glad it is over. It was an all consuming thing and it wasn't healthy.

[FavoriteHeadache]

One can only hope that includes the bad behavior of spouses who appear like angels on this board and in real life too.

 

It surely includes everything.

None of us are without blame.

I have actually learned a fair amount about humility and about forgiveness and empathy during this entire ordeal.

[Tomcat33]

Anyway, it is over now. I do miss OW but at tyhe same time I am glad it is over. It was an all consuming thing and it wasn't healthy.

 

 

I'm sorry to point this out but I find a comment like "well I am just glad it's over now" coming from the person who did not end the affair, it was the OW who ended it because her H found out, I find that comment sort of like you have no choice but to look at it like that now because you can't have it anymore.

 

In my mind that comment or realization would have a lot more weight coming from the person who actually took the initiative to ended the A.

[FavoriteHeadache]

That is an interesting way to put it. OM and I have no regrets where one another are concerned either. I mean how can you regret being with someone you would have chosen as a partner if you both had been available and with whom you maintain a close and loving friendship with? We can't, but we both tell our spouses that nothing more happened--we aren't fools either and know how the 'injured' will moan about their hurt even after dishing out years of it on their own.

Do I sound bitter today? You better believe it and these are feelings I'd have without the presence of OM. I'm tired of being treated like crap in my current situation. Just tired of it.

 

I can understand how you feel. I have felt that way b4 too.

Yet I have decided that it is better that it end and so did she. Actually, her husband became aware that she and I were "talking" and that kind of ended everything. Atleast her problems with him are now in the open. They are dealing with things. I have simply moved on.

[FavoriteHeadache]

And a real spouse doesn't gamble on their partners happiness because they are content with the rut they are in. Seriously, so many of us end up here because it was our spouses who didn't take our needs seriously to begin with, yet we are supposed to be so concerned about theirs when we, like them, find the thing that makes us find some contentedness...excuse me while I LMAO and have little compassion anymore for the POOR, GRIEVED betrayed spouses. I don't pretend to say all, but if a good many got their act together to begin with when they knew their partners were unhappy they would not be on the receiving end of news about an A. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Sometimes for a spouses indifference and neglect the other spouse pushes back by finding the connection somewhere else.

 

Reasonable thinking people can have no doubt about any of what you wrote.

[whirlwinds_sister]

Yes I fell in love with her. No doubt about it. You can read the previous post right b4 this one for more detail about that.

 

I'm not sure I fully understand your other question. My marriage obviously was not working well enough or I wouldn't have stumbled like I did. I had REAL NEEDS too, not just this woman had them.

This happened to me in part because I WAS VULNERABLE and so was she! We met each others need (though temporarily).

 

She really does need to get out of her marriage imo. Mine however is not beyond repair. I'm sitting here right now and my wife is right behind me on the bed. NOTHING has changed in my life since the OW! It goes on as usual. But the OW is in a living hell right now. I'm sure of it. Do you see what I'm trying to say?

 

I feel badly for OW. But she has to solve her own problem with him. She really needs to do it already and then meet someone who is better and more civil. That person can't be me. We talked about that and she knows it. My heart goes out to her but there's nothing I can do. I did fall in love with her. I really did.

 

Boy, you sound like my OM. The funny thing is, that like him, I'd say you and he both are pitiful for staying in something that really is so mediocre, but I can relate to loving someone and resigning yourself to live in an unfulfilling relationship. No offense to your W, I do think that sometimes as we age we realize that we weren't all that compatable to begin with and then people either make a decision to leave or stay. I know you will gloss over what I'm about to say, but I find it pitiful when anyone stays in a relationship that is unfulfilling to them whether it is because of abuse like your OW or neglect like from your W. Just calling them like I see them.

 

BTW, as to your W, do you think it is possible she loved that OM way back when and part of her distance all that time is a reflection of that? Just putting that out there given the things you have said here and I'm sorry if that hurts you, but I do know that once something like this happens and for many of us when we actually fall in love with that other person, it does shut off a part of ourselves to our spouse and it makes the deficiencies in our marriage that much more obvious and painful. Perhaps for her if this was the case, shutting down became her way to deal with it so she could meet her marital obligation and that of how she envisioned being a mother.

 

I mean no disrespect by this, I hope you realize that.