Why Would I Tell???

[FavoriteHeadache]

I'd better stop after this post or I'll make 11 pages of responses:o I wanted to say that I again relate to you saying it was not about the sex and that was infrequent. It is that way for me with my OM as well. We spend the majority of our time as friends, close friends and as you said, the sex seems to be a natural expression of this affection we have for one another. It is less lustful and more about an extension of our support for one another emotionally. Others aren't going to understand this, but I think it is why in this instance it makes you feel little regret for being that close with someone.

I differ from your case only in that my H does not love me, of that I'm sure. He doesn't want to lose his comfort zone and that's about it. That's another reason I have little regret at this point. How can I feel sorry for someone who only keeps me around so his life is easier? He'd regret I had an A because then he would know it means he can't control me.

 

 

You are answerable only to yourself in the final analysis. If you can live with what you are DRIVEN to do (and NEED) than who is to tell you otherwise?

[FavoriteHeadache]

I'm sorry to point this out but I find a comment like "well I am just glad it's over now" coming from the person who did not end the affair, it was the OW who ended it because her H found out, I find that comment sort of like you have no choice but to look at it like that now because you can't have it anymore.

 

In my mind that comment or realization would have a lot more weight coming from the person who actually took the initiative to ended the A.

 

Whatever. I'm still glad it's over.

[HappyAtLast]

I left my wife many years ago and married my OW. Whilst I fully assume all of the blame for stepping outside of my marriage, I too begged my then wife for 20 years to help me to change things, see a counselor, spend more time together.... anything. She was not interested in changing things.

 

I even went as far as to tell her, as the years went on, that if she was not willing to change things she should at least go back to school so that she was able to support herself, as I really did not see our marriage surviving when our son was old enough to be on his own.

 

Long story short, shortly before my son went away to school, I met my OW and divorced my wife. Yes, my wife was devastated, shocked, etc. Again, I fully accept the blame. Howsoever, IN SOME CASES (certainly mine) the "left behind" spouse is not always the innocent party that they make themselves out to be.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Boy, you sound like my OM. The funny thing is, that like him, I'd say you and he both are pitiful for staying in something that really is so mediocre, but I can relate to loving someone and resigning yourself to live in an unfulfilling relationship. No offense to your W, I do think that sometimes as we age we realize that we weren't all that compatable to begin with and then people either make a decision to leave or stay. I know you will gloss over what I'm about to say, but I find it pitiful when anyone stays in a relationship that is unfulfilling to them whether it is because of abuse like your OW or neglect like from your W. Just calling them like I see them.

 

BTW, as to your W, do you think it is possible she loved that OM way back when and part of her distance all that time is a reflection of that? Just putting that out there given the things you have said here and I'm sorry if that hurts you, but I do know that once something like this happens and for many of us when we actually fall in love with that other person, it does shut off a part of ourselves to our spouse and it makes the deficiencies in our marriage that much more obvious and painful. Perhaps for her if this was the case, shutting down became her way to deal with it so she could meet her marital obligation and that of how she envisioned being a mother.

 

I mean no disrespect by this, I hope you realize that.

 

We stay in it I think because we do not hate our spouse and for the kids. Believe it or not I love my wife and always will. That had nothing to do with OW.

I dont think that her 'fling' had anything to do with the way she has been because she was always like that. She 's just sort of 'distant'. It probably stems from her upbringing. Whatever. I accept her the way she is.

[Tomcat33]

BTW, as to your W, do you think it is possible she loved that OM way back when and part of her distance all that time is a reflection of that? Just putting that out there given the things you have said here and I'm sorry if that hurts you, but I do know that once something like this happens and for many of us when we actually fall in love with that other person, it does shut off a part of ourselves to our spouse and it makes the deficiencies in our marriage that much more obvious and painful. Perhaps for her if this was the case, shutting down became her way to deal with it so she could meet her marital obligation and that of how she envisioned being a mother.

 

I mean no disrespect by this, I hope you realize that.

 

WOW exactly what you just wrote is exactly what my ex told me a few weeks ago on the phone when he called me out of the blue! We had a long conversation and I know this is going to sound bad but I am going to tell it like I feel it sorry.... in a twisted way it made me feel better to know that he was not all that happy, I feel bad for his marriage because if he keeps this up their misery will be eternal but feel good that he is not a happy camper because HE created all this himself. And I feel this way not because I am a rotten person but because I know how much it's taken me to get to the point where I can cope with my days given the aftermath of the ENTIRE experience and my lingering feelings of "love" I still hold for this man who was so two faced and so messed up.

 

But his words were "what he missed the most besides some personal stuff that I would rather not get into here (and no it is not a sexual thing it is a deep thing that we shared) is the long conversations the deep emotional tie we had the endless discussions about our lives about our pasts about our common goals, something he assured me he NEVER had with his W and now that he has met me realises just how little of that there is in his marriage and EVER will be." He said he has created his own "hell" because he now constantly reverts back to what we had and everything that was lacking at home seems magnified.

[bish]

I can't see ever telling my wife what went on with another women ever. What would be the point? It would just hurt her. And me bringing it up just seems like a malicious act. It's not going to happen.

 

Why? Uh...hmmm. In case she finds out from someone else somehow.

And if you don't have any consequences to your actions, you will do it again.

 

What happened must have happened for a reason

 

Like what? Lemme guess, she wasn't fullfilling all of your needs...blah blah blah.

 

so why would I analyze it to death? It happened because it happened. We couldn't help it (seriously).

 

If you truly believe your own words here, then you will cheat again. Because after all, you couldn't help it. Some strange force unzipped your pants and thrusted your lil sprout into this OW.

 

Her husband was a total jerk (believe me) and really didn't care anymore and left her completely wanting and vulnerable.

 

So then your wife must be a real bi!tch. Is that your excuse?

 

I think that she hates him actually but she's too damned weak to stand up to him (she seems to fear him). And on my end, my wife loves me (and I love her) but we have grown very far apart over the years. She is busy with the kids and her life and I am somewhat excluded in a way.

 

Thats just it. She is busy with the kids. This woman bore your children. And sorry pal, when you have children, things change. You may not like it, but thats marriage and having a family.

 

But thats what separates the men from the boys. Fathers and husbands that can handle the change are the men.

 

I've become used to it. She just somehow cannot get past certain barriers and is ok with not doing so and letting things be as they are. Our kids range from college-age to preschool LOL! Yes we are the two genetic parents of all of them. We had some young and some not so young. The wife hasn't worked in 20 years (outside the home) and as just totally comfortable with the way things are.

 

You think you are making a compelling case to cheat on your wife who is raising your kids?

 

 

When I met MW neither of us had any intention of getting involved as we ended up getting but the more we got to know each other it just became the obvious next step. We both agreed that we would regret NOT GETTING together more than we would regret getting together. Something just seems to happen in your mid 40's....

 

 

Oh no...please don't tell me that. I'm 38. You mean when I hit 45 I'm going to turn into a selfish pr!ck?

 

I don't want to hurt anybody and never did. I don't want to hurt my wife and I don't want to hurt Mw either. There's no sense in telling anyone anything really. Besides, my wife knew all along that we were talking a lot and was ok with it for the most part (she really was).

 

Thats because she trusts you. I feel sorry for your wife.

 

I ended up emailing her husband after things were found out and he didn't like hearing what I had to say about him. This guy hides from life. He makes a lot of $$$$ and portrays himself totally differently than he actually is. He calls me her "boyfriend" and it is true that we were very close friends. She needed me. I can't tell the whole story because it would give it all away.

 

BOOM. This last paragraph right here is why you need to tell your wife. The H of your OW knows. He will probably, in his own due time, decide to tell your wife. And if so, you might want to hide all the frying pans.

 

I haven't spoken with her in about 3 weeks now since he's found out and I wonder how they are doing. She really should leave his abusive ass.

 

Well you sure as hell didn't make it any better. What do you think an abusive guy will do once he finds out, and found out from you, that you were boinking his wife? I can guarantee you that things aren't going to well at her house.

 

He threatened to sue me and tell my wife and all that and I told him to go right ahead (knowing that he has nothing he can sue me for).

 

only if you live in a state that doesn't have "Alienation of Affection" laws.

 

And my wife KNOWS that me and MW were talking a lot anyway, a FACT that this guy found hard to believe!

 

Ya, but does your wife know you dipped your wick in her?

 

We did what we had to and at the time it was right. Now we just have to live with it.

 

At the time it was right and you did what you had to? You've got to be freaking kidding me. At NO TIME is it right to cheat on your wife. EVER.

 

That last statement right there shows that given the opportunity, you WILL cheat again. Too bad your wife doesn't know so she can save what life she has left and leave you.

[bish]

My wife most certainly does have a husband.

 

Not a good one.

[Tomcat33]

That last statement right there shows that given the opportunity, you WILL cheat again. Too bad your wife doesn't know so she can save what life she has left and leave you.

 

Even if she did know, she will prob do as 99.9% of the population who was cheated does, she will stick around anyway.

[bish]

Even if she did know, she will prob do as 99.9% of the population who was cheated does, she will stick around anyway.

 

Yup, stick around, wait until all the kids are adults, let that retirement account mature nicely...then leave his sorry a$$ and take 1/2 of the marital assets.

[ridingthebulls]

Yup, stick around, wait until all the kids are adults, let that retirement account mature nicely...then leave his sorry a$$ and take 1/2 of the marital assets.

 

No amount of money is worth wasting your life away, especially when it's miserable. Younger the kids are, the easier they will adjust. Kids live through it. You forget to realize that men can pick up women no matter what age. Women unfortunately have a short time frame in their lives to move on and start anew. When their prime years are over, it's that much harder to pick up a decent mate. Who cares about a retirement account when you will be old, alone, and miserable.

[bish]

No amount of money is worth wasting your life away, especially when it's miserable. .

 

Too true.

 

Also, no amount of "strange" is worth risking your family over.

 

But apparantly FH thinks otherwise.

[Tomcat33]

No amount of money is worth wasting your life away, especially when it's miserable. Younger the kids are, the easier they will adjust. Kids live through it. You forget to realize that men can pick up women no matter what age. Women unfortunately have a short time frame in their lives to move on and start anew. When their prime years are over, it's that much harder to pick up a decent mate. Who cares about a retirement account when you will be old, alone, and miserable.

 

Seriously!! Who gives a crap about retirement money when your best years are spent with some person who pretends to care about you just because they are too lazy to get out! YUCK!!!

 

I'll take "my best years SINGLE and on a silver platter hold the retirement $$$!!" I'll bank my own retirement money thank you very much and ensure I spend my time with someone who WANTS to be with be not who is acting out of a business interest!! HOW DEPRESSING is THAT!

 

Yup, stick around, wait until all the kids are adults, let that retirement account mature nicely...then leave his sorry a$$ and take 1/2 of the marital assets.

 

And as IF any of those people would seperate at retirement, they have put up with all sorts of crap their entire life to get to that point where you are old and making a move a lone is scarier than ever, as IF they will mobilize themselves to be alone at 70yrs or age. KEEP DREAMING.....

[FavoriteHeadache]

I left my wife many years ago and married my OW. Whilst I fully assume all of the blame for stepping outside of my marriage, I too begged my then wife for 20 years to help me to change things, see a counselor, spend more time together.... anything. She was not interested in changing things.

 

I even went as far as to tell her, as the years went on, that if she was not willing to change things she should at least go back to school so that she was able to support herself, as I really did not see our marriage surviving when our son was old enough to be on his own.

 

Long story short, shortly before my son went away to school, I met my OW and divorced my wife. Yes, my wife was devastated, shocked, etc. Again, I fully accept the blame. Howsoever, IN SOME CASES (certainly mine) the "left behind" spouse is not always the innocent party that they make themselves out to be.

 

I would venture to say that in MOST CASES the "left behind" spouse is NOT innocent. I doubt that many people would actually leave a "GOOD" marriage.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Why? Uh...hmmm. In case she finds out from someone else somehow.

And if you don't have any consequences to your actions, you will do it again.

 

 

 

Like what? Lemme guess, she wasn't fullfilling all of your needs...blah blah blah.

 

 

 

If you truly believe your own words here, then you will cheat again. Because after all, you couldn't help it. Some strange force unzipped your pants and thrusted your lil sprout into this OW.

 

 

 

So then your wife must be a real bi!tch. Is that your excuse?

 

 

 

Thats just it. She is busy with the kids. This woman bore your children. And sorry pal, when you have children, things change. You may not like it, but thats marriage and having a family.

 

But thats what separates the men from the boys. Fathers and husbands that can handle the change are the men.

 

 

 

You think you are making a compelling case to cheat on your wife who is raising your kids?

 

 

 

 

 

Oh no...please don't tell me that. I'm 38. You mean when I hit 45 I'm going to turn into a selfish pr!ck?

 

 

 

Thats because she trusts you. I feel sorry for your wife.

 

 

 

BOOM. This last paragraph right here is why you need to tell your wife. The H of your OW knows. He will probably, in his own due time, decide to tell your wife. And if so, you might want to hide all the frying pans.

 

 

 

Well you sure as hell didn't make it any better. What do you think an abusive guy will do once he finds out, and found out from you, that you were boinking his wife? I can guarantee you that things aren't going to well at her house.

 

 

 

only if you live in a state that doesn't have "Alienation of Affection" laws.

 

 

 

Ya, but does your wife know you dipped your wick in her?

 

 

 

At the time it was right and you did what you had to? You've got to be freaking kidding me. At NO TIME is it right to cheat on your wife. EVER.

 

That last statement right there shows that given the opportunity, you WILL cheat again. Too bad your wife doesn't know so she can save what life she has left and leave you.

 

 

ok........whatever you say.....

[FavoriteHeadache]

Even if she did know, she will prob do as 99.9% of the population who was cheated does, she will stick around anyway.

 

Of course she would. I did.

It would have been a real stupid and emotional thing, childlike in fact, to overreact in such a way as to fly off the handle, throw a tantrum and wallow in self pity and leave. What a stupid action that would be!

[VinaAmez]

I don't know HF. Were just trying to help you out but we need more info here. If she's not going to change then maybe it would help to talk about it and maybe there is something that you can do.

 

So I'm going to pry and ask what you'd like to change because it's bothering me. LOL!!

[FavoriteHeadache]

Yup, stick around, wait until all the kids are adults, let that retirement account mature nicely...then leave his sorry a$$ and take 1/2 of the marital assets.

 

My God! Why the FRUCK are you so damned bitter? What's wrong with you? Who pisses in your cornflakes daily?

 

I'm sorry but that'll never happen. My wife is actually very nice and understanding.

 

You know what: don't worry about me or my wife and family. After reading your bs you have MUCH BIGGER problems to worry about! Your bitterness is going to KILL you! Get over yourself and whatever has happened to you and be at peace and learn to enjoy!

[FavoriteHeadache]

Too true.

 

Also, no amount of "strange" is worth risking your family over.

 

But apparantly FH thinks otherwise.

 

LMAO! That's all I can do when I read your crap!

Don't you realize that you know NOTHING about me?

[Sheba]

Thanks but I have decided to just forget about it all and move on. Nobody can say anything to my wife and be able to prove it except maybe the OW and that is highly unlikely. I believe that OW is definitely moving on and the last thing she would do is bring it up to my wife. She's just not a malicious woman and would have no reason to do so. Plus they live more than an hour from where I live and don't know where I live and have no personal contact info. Ow just has my cell phone number and email address. My home phone is unlisted.

 

I was trying to figure out how to come to terms with things but I have since done so. I decided to just forget about it and move on. Really there is nothing else I can do that would make any sense at all. What happened, happened. It is done and over with. It is in the past. It wasn't something I was looking for so I am ok to just leave it alone and move on. I can however say that it has changed me. I never thought I would have done anything like that but I did. I would have thought that I would have felt guiltier than hell but I didn't. In a way it makes it easier that it could happen again but also in a way it makes it much less likely too. Now I know what it's like. I'm not proud of having done so but I can see how and why it happened. I'm moving on and not looking back.

 

 

I hope, for the sake of your wife and marriage, that you are right about your wife never finding out.

 

I was actually thinking that the OW's husband might tell your wife, out of vindictiveness or sympathy. If the OW has your email address and cell phone number, he could perhaps track you down. Who knows what lengths a person who is hurt and angry might go to?

[Tomcat33]

Of course she would. I did.

It would have been a real stupid and emotional thing, childlike in fact, to overreact in such a way as to fly off the handle, throw a tantrum and wallow in self pity and leave. What a stupid action that would be!

 

 

Yes I can see that because having an affair is a far MORE mature thing to do. And having an affair on someone who you chose to stay with even after they deceived you is NOT wallowing in your own self pitty AT ALL.

 

You're right, leaving a spouse you apparently don't care enough about NOT to deceive them or to make any sort of significant positive change towards is the MORE mature thing to do.

 

C'MONE! Let's call a spade a spade shall we?

[FavoriteHeadache]

I don't know HF. Were just trying to help you out but we need more info here. If she's not going to change then maybe it would help to talk about it and maybe there is something that you can do.

 

So I'm going to pry and ask what you'd like to change because it's bothering me. LOL!!

 

 

I have no clue, lol!

Look: I love my wife. It's true that things aren't perfect but what the hell, they never will be!

She's good looking, great in bed, very nice, very good with the kids, etc.

I don't necessarily want or expect her to change.

Maybe she can start allowing me to have gf's? That would be cool.

LMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[FavoriteHeadache]

Seriously!! Who gives a crap about retirement money when your best years are spent with some person who pretends to care about you just because they are too lazy to get out! YUCK!!!

 

I'll take "my best years SINGLE and on a silver platter hold the retirement $$$!!" I'll bank my own retirement money thank you very much and ensure I spend my time with someone who WANTS to be with be not who is acting out of a business interest!! HOW DEPRESSING is THAT!

 

 

 

And as IF any of those people would seperate at retirement, they have put up with all sorts of crap their entire life to get to that point where you are old and making a move a lone is scarier than ever, as IF they will mobilize themselves to be alone at 70yrs or age. KEEP DREAMING.....

 

 

Lol! What makes you think that that isn't exactly what my wife is doing?

She's happy!

[Tomcat33]

Lol! What makes you think that that isn't exactly what my wife is doing?

She's happy!

 

 

If she is so happy why did she cheat on you? Furthermore why did YOU cheat on her? If she is happily married to you that makes you an even more selfish _____ for doing that to a happily married woman!

[VinaAmez]

I have no clue, lol!

Look: I love my wife. It's true that things aren't perfect but what the hell, they never will be!

She's good looking, great in bed, very nice, very good with the kids, etc.

I don't necessarily want or expect her to change.

Maybe she can start allowing me to have gf's? That would be cool.

LMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yes but didn't you say you'd like things to change? You must know.

[Tomcat33]

 

I love my wife. It's true that things aren't perfect but what the hell, they never will be!

She's good looking, great in bed, very nice, very good with the kids, etc.

I don't necessarily want or expect her to change.

 

 

So the question begs to be asked why did you cheat on her????????????