Why Would I Tell???

[VinaAmez]

and more about simply being appreciated for his hard work. When you come to EXPECT certain things out of your partner it is no longer seen as a gift from them to you and appreciation goes right out the window.

 

Yeah I've seen that happen in relationships before.

 

I don't know......I don't think she has really "gone her own way" or anything.....she's just comfortable with the way things are and she honestly sees nothing wrong with anything. She can only "GIVE" of herself just so much, see what I mean? She does what she can but can't seem to meet anyone on a very personal level.

 

Shoot I would be too.

 

Has she always been like this?

[FavoriteHeadache]

I'll hazzard to guess it is LESS about her getting a job and earning her own money, or even that FH put out less money, and more about simply being appreciated for his hard work. When you come to EXPECT certain things out of your partner it is no longer seen as a gift from them to you and appreciation goes right out the window.

 

And that can be applied both ways and to ALL the things our partners do for us that are taken for granted daily.

 

yeah I'm sure that all plays a role in things....

[Meaplus3]

I somehow never saw it as having an affair (what I did). I really haven't been distant from her all these years. Our personalities are just completely different. I'm the sort of person who cracks jokes about everything and likes/needs to be close to people and have them smiling. She is often way too distant to give a damn about what I am into. She's more involved with the kids and then gets all moody and all that and can't tolerate the way I like to be so I just play around with the kids and stuff. But when her mood changes she is GREAT company in many different ways. I'm used to her, she's used to me.

I make all the money and she's a SAHM and often I am just like the bank to her. She never says a kind word unless she wants money. I'm used to that. She wouldn't admit to that but that is often how I feel and have told her that b4. So we really do live totally seperate lives in many ways but come together every now and then if you see what I'm saying. We aren't all that close at all, yet we peacefully co-exist pretty well. We are just COZY with how everything is. That's the way it works.

I really didn't (somehow?) feel like I was cheating on her. It was as if the place where OW touched me was unoccupied. Do you see what I mean?

 

Believe me, I have no hard feelings about her silly little bs that happened with that guy 15 years ago. I really don't. I know how my wife is and how she was then and that older guy was simply able to wear her down and touch her emotionally right were she needed to be touched and she was powerless to stop it. I know all that and have long ago come to terms with it or I would have left. Initially it was because of our two young daughters that I stayed but I soon got over the whole damned thing and totally forgave her (and changed what was MY PART in causing her to feel needy).

 

"I somehow never saw it as having an affair (what I did). I really haven't been distant from her all these years. Our personalities are just completely different"

 

 

Just IMOP if your personalites are so diffrent than you need to "Think Hard" about what it will take to make you happy. "Love is love" IMOP that's it! Your either love someone or you don't. Your choice.

 

AP:)

[FavoriteHeadache]

Yeah I've seen that happen in relationships before.

 

 

 

Shoot I would be too.

 

Has she always been like this?

 

Yes. I never fully realized it until a good while after we were together. It doesn't make her a bad person or anything, just too distant at times for no apparent reason. She has always been like this more or less.

[Tomcat33]

Originally Posted by FavoriteHeadache

I don't know......I don't think she has really "gone her own way" or anything.....she's just comfortable with the way things are and she honestly sees nothing wrong with anything. She can only "GIVE" of herself just so much, see what I mean? She does what she can but can't seem to meet anyone on a very personal level.

 

Could it be that the areas you would like her to change are just not possible becuase what you would like for her to change are just who she is and therefore who she CAN'T be? That's the other reason why I would see such hessitance on your part to even try to ask for a change.

[FavoriteHeadache]

So what do you love about her so much? Or is this "love" you describe to have for her coziness for you too?

 

I do love her, I just do. I love more about her than I don't but of course nothing is perfect, ya know? I can't hold her flaws against her. She's the mother of my children and my wife and hasn't really done anything that would be unforgiveable. Besides, she's really good when the mood strikes her, lol!

[FavoriteHeadache]

Could it be that the areas you would like her to change are just not possible becuase what you would like for her to change are just who she is and therefore who she CAN'T be? That's the other reason why I would see such hessitance on your part to even try to ask for a change.

 

Yep, I think so. She can't change who she is for me or for anyone more than I could change who I am.

[VinaAmez]

Yep, I think so. She can't change who she is for me or for anyone more than I could change who I am.

Well I hate to say this but you sound screwed.

[FavoriteHeadache]

I somehow never saw it as having an affair (what I did). I really haven't been distant from her all these years. Our personalities are just completely different. I'm the sort of person who cracks jokes about everything and likes/needs to be close to people and have them smiling. She is often way too distant to give a damn about what I am into. She's more involved with the kids and then gets all moody and all that and can't tolerate the way I like to be so I just play around with the kids and stuff. But when her mood changes she is GREAT company in many different ways. I'm used to her, she's used to me.

I make all the money and she's a SAHM and often I am just like the bank to her. She never says a kind word unless she wants money. I'm used to that. She wouldn't admit to that but that is often how I feel and have told her that b4. So we really do live totally seperate lives in many ways but come together every now and then if you see what I'm saying. We aren't all that close at all, yet we peacefully co-exist pretty well. We are just COZY with how everything is. That's the way it works.

I really didn't (somehow?) feel like I was cheating on her. It was as if the place where OW touched me was unoccupied. Do you see what I mean?

 

Believe me, I have no hard feelings about her silly little bs that happened with that guy 15 years ago. I really don't. I know how my wife is and how she was then and that older guy was simply able to wear her down and touch her emotionally right were she needed to be touched and she was powerless to stop it. I know all that and have long ago come to terms with it or I would have left. Initially it was because of our two young daughters that I stayed but I soon got over the whole damned thing and totally forgave her (and changed what was MY PART in causing her to feel needy).

 

"I somehow never saw it as having an affair (what I did). I really haven't been distant from her all these years. Our personalities are just completely different"

 

 

Just IMOP if your personalites are so diffrent than you need to "Think Hard" about what it will take to make you happy. "Love is love" IMOP that's it! Your either love someone or you don't. Your choice.

 

AP:)

 

Well yeah, yer right: love is love. I do love her. I can't deny that and never have. But that is part of what has been so damned confusing about all of this. I have never disliked her all through the entire OW thing.

[VinaAmez]

 

Well yeah, yer right: love is love. I do love her. I can't deny that and never have. But that is part of what has been so damned confusing about all of this. I have never disliked her all through the entire OW thing.

You don't have to dislike someone to do what you did.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Well I hate to say this but you sound screwed.

Why am I screwed? It's just the way that it goes. It's not bad enough to end things. You simply get used to things.

[FavoriteHeadache]

You don't have to dislike someone to do what you did.

 

That's for sure. I'm living proof.

[FavoriteHeadache]

You don't have to dislike someone to do what you did.

 

Btw Vina, what country are you from?

[Tomcat33]

I do love her, I just do. I love more about her than I don't but of course nothing is perfect, ya know? I can't hold her flaws against her. She's the mother of my children and my wife and hasn't really done anything that would be unforgiveable. Besides, she's really good when the mood strikes her, lol!

 

 

 

Ok but being the mother of your children and your W though some very important titles are still just titles. Usually when someone describes why they love another human being it goes more like:

 

he makes me laugh, he is a risk taker and I am not and I like our dichotomy, he looks out for me, he is very affectionat, I can talk to him about most anything and I enjoy that, he inspires me, his thinking takes me outside of my own comfort zone, he supports my goals, every so often he does this cute thing I just love..., we are very good friends and still have fun when we have our 1:1 time away from it all.

 

It's like being asked why you like working for your boss and the answer is: "I like working for my boss because he is my boss and he heads the entire company" well yes that is impressive but what makes him special TO YOU?

[VinaAmez]

Could it be that the areas you would like her to change are just not possible becuase what you would like for her to change are just who she is and therefore who she CAN'T be? That's the other reason why I would see such hessitance on your part to even try to ask for a change.

 

I was talking about this but if she is who she is then yeah you can't change her BUT sometimes people do need to change somethings in order to keep things rolling in the right direction.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Ok but being the mother of your children and your W though some very important titles are still just titles. Usually when someone describes why they love another human being it goes more like:

 

he makes me laugh, he is a risk taker and I am not and I like our dichotomy, he looks out for me, he is very affectionat, I can talk to him about most anything and I enjoy that, he inspires me, his thinking takes me outside of my own comfort zone, he supports my goals, every so often he does this cute thing I just love..., we are very good friends and still have fun when we have our 1:1 time away from it all.

 

It's like being asked why you like working for your boss and the answer is: "I like working for my boss because he is my boss and he heads the entire company" well yes that is impressive but what makes him special TO YOU?

 

You make a valid point.

But the titles are important too.

[FavoriteHeadache]

 

I was talking about this but if she is who she is then yeah you can't change her BUT sometimes people do need to change somethings in order to keep things rolling in the right direction.

 

Things are well enough for the most part. Things are far from HORRIBLE but they aren't great either. Marriage is difficult.

[VinaAmez]

Btw Vina, what country are you from?

 

I was born in the US but I'm Romanian. My family came after WWI but kept the traditions and stuff going. I can't speak it fully but I do know words. My older family can though.

[FavoriteHeadache]

I was born in the US but I'm Romanian. My family came after WWI but kept the traditions and stuff going. I can't speak it fully but I do know words. My older family can though.

 

That's cool! My family is from Hungary (Magyar). I was born here too and can speak Magyar pretty well, or used to be able to. My parents came here in '59.

[Tomcat33]

Yep, I think so. She can't change who she is for me or for anyone more than I could change who I am.

 

 

But the thing is you should NOT have to change WHO you are for someone you should be with someone who appreciates you for all your facets, it sounds like there is something about her you stopped appreciating, like the"attraction"and I don't mean just in a sexual way I mean in a deeper chemical way as in spiritual and mental connection is not really there. This is why you seem to just coexist through this symbiotic tie that is less about emotional needs and more about material ones.

[FavoriteHeadache]

But the thing is you should NOT have to change WHO you are for someone you should be with someone who appreciates you for all your facets, it sounds like there is something about her you stopped appreciating, like the"attraction"and I don't mean just in a sexual way I mean in a deeper chemical way as in spiritual and mental connection is not really there. This is why you seem to just coexist through this symbiotic tie that is less about emotional needs and more about material ones.

 

I think you're right. And it applies to me and to her. Things like this happen over time.

[FavoriteHeadache]

So anyway, things are as they are and that is that. I'm married (20 yrs. this July) with 4 kids from 19 -4 yrs of age and I like it. I did have a thing with an OW and that is over and done. I did get to know OW very well and like her a lot. That's just the way it is. I hope she is doing well. I do wonder if she ever thinks of me still, actually I'm sure she does. I am sure I'll hear from her again but it will never be like it once was. Neither one of us would want that I don't think.

So that's that.

 

On a lighter note, I have to take my son to see POC III for the third time tomorrow.....I don't mind at all.

Aye matee, savvy?

[bish]

I love stopping by the OM/OW forum in the morning and reading threads started by people that actually think this part of the forum is a safe place to discuss their affairs only to becomes victims

 

Cheaters are not victims. Funny how cheaters can do something so despicable, yet can't take the honest truth of things.

 

Ya, they can't take a few words, but what they are doing to their partners is suppose to be perfectly understandable.

[bish]

As far as being smug about it all maybe I am. I'm not all stressed about any of it because it is easily understandable to me how and why it occured. What am I supposed to do, become freakin' PSYCHOTIC about all of this?

 

No, but you are expected, as is expected of any decent person who wants us to think he/she cares about his wife/husband, to show remorse.

 

You show none. You can tell us all you want about how you care for your wife, your actions say otherwise.

[bish]

I have no clue, lol!

Look: I love my wife. It's true that things aren't perfect but what the hell, they never will be!

She's good looking, great in bed, very nice, very good with the kids, etc.

I don't necessarily want or expect her to change.

Maybe she can start allowing me to have gf's? That would be cool.

LMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You know, you make a joke out of it, but I bet its not far from the truth that you'd really like her to allow you to have gf's.

 

Now I understand why you show no remorse. And in your case the saying is definitely true....once a cheater, always a cheater. Given the opportunity, you WILL do it again. And then you'll be on here saying, "it just happened and there was nothing I could do about it".