Why Would I Tell???

[FavoriteHeadache]

You know, I am not proud of having cheated on my wife but it did happen and there were reasons for it besides me being a dawg and all that sort of stereotypical bla-bla. I would have never understood any of this had I not gone through it myself. I would have been condemning towards anyone who did such a thing. But now that I know what this is like and why and how it happens I tend to be much more understanding and much less quick to judge anyone about anything. That's the bright side to all of this imo.

 

As far as the OW goes, I had nothing but compassion and sympathy for her. I was trying to help her. The fact that it turned into MORE was quite a surprise. I couldn't believe it. I went with it and never looked back at the time. And she did the same. I never thought about myself or my family though I should have. In my mind it was all about her. Then when it became physical it took on a whole new dimension. I didn't feel guilty, just shocked. I couldn't believe it had come to that. But it did. We felt like two teenagers or something. She has 3 grown children and I do too. What we did was something very odd to us both. We were driven by some sort of primal need. It was completely natural and selfless on both our parts. These are the things that freak me out about it. It didn't seem so wrong.

 

????????????????

 

Having said the above, I am not proud of the fact that it happened. But happen it did. There's not a whole heck of a lot one can say about it after the fact. I'm just trying to understand this. What the hell happened and why? What drove us to that point? I guess we were both vulnerable and happened to meet at the exact right time for such a thing to occur. That's the nearest I can come to finding a resolution.

[Tomcat33]

Do you think you fell in love with her?

 

What I am having difficulty understanding is why if you feel that your marriage has drifted considerably, do you seperate what happened to you from the fact that certain needs were not being met from your W? I am glad you do not blame your W for your choices but how do you seperate the fact that this happened to you at a vulnerable stage from what you seem to have lacking at home?

[FavoriteHeadache]

Favoriteheadache, I am just wondering how you meet this OW and how thing's just sort of happened? I do feel for you and your situation. I had an ea that I feel into due to a lack of an emotional connection in my marriage which was a direct result of the verbal abuse I have become used to. Anyway,Did you fall in love with this OW?

 

AP:)

 

Well therein lies the problem I guess. I really don't feel comfortable describing all of the details on a public forum. But I'll give it a shot in a second.

 

The answer to your second question is Yes I did. I did fall in love with her though I knew it was wrong. But how can someone control how they feel? We don't choose how we feel, we feel how we feel. I can tell you that she would rather be with me than with her husband any day of the week. She leaned on me very heavily for a lot and I gave a lot. It was not about sex ever but we did have a gigantic physical attraction for each other after we met in person (even b4 we met).

 

I met her online on a support forum. We both shared a common problem and understood each other completely. I met a bunch of people on that forum but me and this one really hit it off just naturally. I would counsel her about her situation. I also got to know that her real problem was her husband and how he tormented her. Believe me when I tell you that I had no intention of doing anything with that woman except helping her like I was helping everyone else (and they were helping me).

 

Her marital problems were not why she was at that forum but she eventually confided in me about everything. I ended up meeting her one day about an hour from where I live at a certain mall. There we talked about our mutual problem and about her other bigger problem with her husband. She was truly gorgeous and is the type of woman that would turn any mans head in a hurry (just naturally). It was great meeting her and my wife even knew I was meeting her that day. To fully understand what we were meeting about I'd have to tell too much but suffice it to say that it is why my wife was ok with me meeting her and me talking with her on the phone as well as talking with a bunch of other people. I would tell you or anyone in private but not on a public forum. It isn't anything bad or anything but I just don't want to spell it all out right here.

 

So you see, we met for a very valid reason initially. But I could not believe what kind of chemistry we had immediately. She is such a warm and loving person and incredibly attractive on top of it all. We talked for hours about her husband and their problems. I was way too far into their relationship with her. I knew everything and I liked the guy less and less all the time. He's a totall ass-hole and is an abusive jerk. That explains why she ended up having the problem she was having and ended up on that forum and it also explains why she was soooo needy for someone to listen and befriend her. It just so happened that we live barely an hour away from each other. Many of the other forum members were from other states and even countries.

 

So she latched onto me and for other reasons I latched onto her. It's just that simple (yet also complex).

 

Even now I believe I helped her a lot. I am not saying the sexual part was good or healthy but looking back that just somehow goes with the whole thing. It was bound to happen the way it did. We were intimate maybe 4 or 5 times. It wasn't a huge part of what we were all about. It was more about moral support really and friendship. But we did stray and it became something it shouldn't have. I never got my "FILL" in a sexual way if you know what I mean because it wasn't about that ever. We did have intercourse but it was not what I would call quality or relaxed or really great or anything. It was more of an expression of love. I can just hear some people chiming in and condemning what I just said but I truly believe that. It was never about sex. I'm not sure that makes a difference but it wasn't.

 

I could tell you about some of the things her husband did and nobody I know would approve. I don't say this to justify what me and her did, I say it because it's the truth.

 

This is why I don't fully feel like what me and her had was wrong. To me it is understandable. Granted that I shouldn't have fallen so hard but I did. She is a great person and deserves better than she has. Add to that our ages (in our mid 40's) and that's all you need to know.

[Meaplus3]

Well therein lies the problem I guess. I really don't feel comfortable describing all of the details on a public forum. But I'll give it a shot in a second.

 

The answer to your second question is Yes I did. I did fall in love with her though I knew it was wrong. But how can someone control how they feel? We don't choose how we feel, we feel how we feel. I can tell you that she would rather be with me than with her husband any day of the week. She leaned on me very heavily for a lot and I gave a lot. It was not about sex ever but we did have a gigantic physical attraction for each other after we met in person (even b4 we met).

 

I met her online on a support forum. We both shared a common problem and understood each other completely. I met a bunch of people on that forum but me and this one really hit it off just naturally. I would counsel her about her situation. I also got to know that her real problem was her husband and how he tormented her. Believe me when I tell you that I had no intention of doing anything with that woman except helping her like I was helping everyone else (and they were helping me).

 

Her marital problems were not why she was at that forum but she eventually confided in me about everything. I ended up meeting her one day about an hour from where I live at a certain mall. There we talked about our mutual problem and about her other bigger problem with her husband. She was truly gorgeous and is the type of woman that would turn any mans head in a hurry (just naturally). It was great meeting her and my wife even knew I was meeting her that day. To fully understand what we were meeting about I'd have to tell too much but suffice it to say that it is why my wife was ok with me meeting her and me talking with her on the phone as well as talking with a bunch of other people. I would tell you or anyone in private but not on a public forum. It isn't anything bad or anything but I just don't want to spell it all out right here.

 

So you see, we met for a very valid reason initially. But I could not believe what kind of chemistry we had immediately. She is such a warm and loving person and incredibly attractive on top of it all. We talked for hours about her husband and their problems. I was way too far into their relationship with her. I knew everything and I liked the guy less and less all the time. He's a totall ass-hole and is an abusive jerk. That explains why she ended up having the problem she was having and ended up on that forum and it also explains why she was soooo needy for someone to listen and befriend her. It just so happened that we live barely an hour away from each other. Many of the other forum members were from other states and even countries.

 

So she latched onto me and for other reasons I latched onto her. It's just that simple (yet also complex).

 

Even now I believe I helped her a lot. I am not saying the sexual part was good or healthy but looking back that just somehow goes with the whole thing. It was bound to happen the way it did. We were intimate maybe 4 or 5 times. It wasn't a huge part of what we were all about. It was more about moral support really and friendship. But we did stray and it became something it shouldn't have. I never got my "FILL" in a sexual way if you know what I mean because it wasn't about that ever. We did have intercourse but it was not what I would call quality or relaxed or really great or anything. It was more of an expression of love. I can just hear some people chiming in and condemning what I just said but I truly believe that. It was never about sex. I'm not sure that makes a difference but it wasn't.

 

I could tell you about some of the things her husband did and nobody I know would approve. I don't say this to justify what me and her did, I say it because it's the truth.

 

This is why I don't fully feel like what me and her had was wrong. To me it is understandable. Granted that I shouldn't have fallen so hard but I did. She is a great person and deserves better than she has. Add to that our ages (in our mid 40's) and that's all you need to know.

 

Favorite, Do you still love this OW? Was this more of an emotional connection for you? Could you see yourself in a life with her and if so what is stopping you?

 

AP:)

[FavoriteHeadache]

Do you think you fell in love with her?

 

What I am having difficulty understanding is why if you feel that your marriage has drifted considerably, do you seperate what happened to you from the fact that certain needs were not being met from your W? I am glad you do not blame your W for your choices but how do you seperate the fact that this happened to you at a vulnerable stage from what you seem to have lacking at home?

 

 

Yes I fell in love with her. No doubt about it. You can read the previous post right b4 this one for more detail about that.

 

I'm not sure I fully understand your other question. My marriage obviously was not working well enough or I wouldn't have stumbled like I did. I had REAL NEEDS too, not just this woman had them.

This happened to me in part because I WAS VULNERABLE and so was she! We met each others need (though temporarily).

 

She really does need to get out of her marriage imo. Mine however is not beyond repair. I'm sitting here right now and my wife is right behind me on the bed. NOTHING has changed in my life since the OW! It goes on as usual. But the OW is in a living hell right now. I'm sure of it. Do you see what I'm trying to say?

 

I feel badly for OW. But she has to solve her own problem with him. She really needs to do it already and then meet someone who is better and more civil. That person can't be me. We talked about that and she knows it. My heart goes out to her but there's nothing I can do. I did fall in love with her. I really did.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Favorite, Do you still love this OW? Was this more of an emotional connection for you? Could you see yourself in a life with her and if so what is stopping you?

 

AP:)

 

I still do love her I think. When we ended it I was sick but also felt better all at the same time. I had been carrying all her problems and she needed that. I cared deeply about her and still do. But I feel the same for my wife because of our history and our children mostly I think. This is a lot to try to understand. This was definitely more of an emotional connection. There's no doubt about that much.

 

Yes I could see myself in a life with her and she could see herself in a life with me but what is stopping us is obvious: we're both married!

I can't simply walk away from that (though some might say I already have). I love my wife too. And I love my children. I never intended upon falling in love with this woman! I am trying real hard to let my feelings for her die because they have to.

[Meaplus3]

I still do love her I think. When we ended it I was sick but also felt better all at the same time. I had been carrying all her problems and she needed that. I cared deeply about her and still do. But I feel the same for my wife because of our history and our children mostly I think. This is a lot to try to understand. This was definitely more of an emotional connection. There's no doubt about that much.

 

Yes I could see myself in a life with her and she could see herself in a life with me but what is stopping us is obvious: we're both married!

I can't simply walk away from that (though some might say I already have). I love my wife too. And I love my children. I never intended upon falling in love with this woman! I am trying real hard to let my feelings for her die because they have to.

 

I so feel for you! Ok, What if she told you that she want's to leave her H for you? How would you react? I understand the marriage and the history on your part.

 

AP

[FavoriteHeadache]

I so feel for you! Ok, What if she told you that she want's to leave her H for you? How would you react? I understand the marriage and the history on your part.

 

AP

 

He already moved out on her and moved out of state! I immediately suspected he probably had someone else already but she doesn't think so. This guy travels a lot and makes a few hundred thou a year. He was almost never home anyway. He moved in mid March long b4 he ever knew a thing about me. They have had big problems for a while now. I didn't cause their marital problems.

 

A lot of what she does is for her grown kids sake's. Plus she fears him and he controls her still. He's real good with making things appear one way and then being a total SOB to her in private. I have read lots of his emails to her (she would send them to me). She really needs to GET STRONG and deal with him already.

 

She wouldn't leave him for me because she knows what my situation is. The best she would get from me is what she already has gotten and she doesn't want to be the "other woman".

[lovely01]

hey there man i feel for you damn he sounds like an ass. oh my goodness. dont get me wrong bad for having an affair.bad but jeez it sounds like you had a connection with this lady because of what both of your situation. man if you want to talk cause it seems you are a caution man let me know. but does your wife ever do anything for your needs like dates, attention , back rubs or stuff to show you she loves or anything like that? do you ever tell her what you need? are you just staying for the kids ?would you leave your wife if this poor lady calls you again? there i go with the questions again. sorry my story in short version. my husband had an emtional affair with a co worker. i was the opposite of your wife (dont get me wrong she sounds like a great women), i toke care of my husband loved him so much. my life revolved around my husband and the affair still happened. sad story.

[Meaplus3]

He already moved out on her and moved out of state! I immediately suspected he probably had someone else already but she doesn't think so. This guy travels a lot and makes a few hundred thou a year. He was almost never home anyway. He moved in mid March long b4 he ever knew a thing about me. They have had big problems for a while now. I didn't cause their marital problems.

 

A lot of what she does is for her grown kids sake's. Plus she fears him and he controls her still. He's real good with making things appear one way and then being a total SOB to her in private. I have read lots of his emails to her (she would send them to me). She really needs to GET STRONG and deal with him already.

 

She wouldn't leave him for me because she knows what my situation is. The best she would get from me is what she already has gotten and she doesn't want to be the "other woman".

 

Favorite, I must say I feel sorry for her, I can very much relate! She is in a very abusive marriage and it's sad, trust me I know. :sick:She does not want to be the OW, she want's to be with you and your's only, sound's like that IMO, but then again I would think that most OW want the MM to themselves. Good luck to you.

 

AP:)

[Phoebe]

I'm a little confused as to why you posted your story. You don't appear to be asking for advice and you keep telling everyone that they don't know the whole story. Why would you post half a story?

 

I've got a couple of questions if that's ok. Why if you love this other woman so much have you not spoken to her in three weeks if you believe that she's living in hell now her husband knows? Considering that she's so scared of her husband (and that you love her) it amazes me that you're not concerned. All you seem to talk about is whether or not he'll tell your wife (which you don't really care about at all).

 

You obviously feel no guilt for the affair and take no responsibilty for it because these things happen. Honestly I feel sorry for your wife, and especially the other woman. Where's your support for her now that all hell has broken loose in her house? It sounds like you've probably made her life worse, and that you've thought of no one but yourself in this situation.

[FavoriteHeadache]

hey there man i feel for you damn he sounds like an ass. oh my goodness. dont get me wrong bad for having an affair.bad but jeez it sounds like you had a connection with this lady because of what both of your situation. man if you want to talk cause it seems you are a caution man let me know. but does your wife ever do anything for your needs like dates, attention , back rubs or stuff to show you she loves or anything like that? do you ever tell her what you need? are you just staying for the kids ?would you leave your wife if this poor lady calls you again? there i go with the questions again. sorry my story in short version. my husband had an emtional affair with a co worker. i was the opposite of your wife (dont get me wrong she sounds like a great women), i toke care of my husband loved him so much. my life revolved around my husband and the affair still happened. sad story.

 

We really did have a connection (me and OW). It was not just a physical thing.

My wife's life revolves around the kids mostly. She gets all worn out just doing her daily stuff for all of them. It isn't easy and I know it isn't.

We go out to eat pretty often and have good sex but she doesn't do anything special for me like what you mention. I'm taken for granted. I'm not complaining really but it is what it is and I can see what it is.

No I don't believe I would leave my wife if OW calls again. I was never in it for that.

Did you husband leave you?

Sure I would talk.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Favorite, I must say I feel sorry for her, I can very much relate! She is in a very abusive marriage and it's sad, trust me I know. :sick:She does not want to be the OW, she want's to be with you and your's only, sound's like that IMO, but then again I would think that most OW want the MM to themselves. Good luck to you.

 

AP:)

 

Yeah, I don't know what is what anymore. She really just needs to stand up for herself and deal with him somehow. I can't do it for her. I helped her a lot but now that he knows about me she has called it off and I agreed to it. I have emailed him to try to help her out. He still controls her or why would she listen to him after he left her and all that? That was what I always wondered.

[Tomcat33]

No I don't believe I would leave my wife if OW calls again. I was never in it for that.

 

 

so what were you in it for if you don't mind me asking?

and if with your w you have good sex and still go out pretty often what's missing? is there even anything missing? how does she take you for granted?

 

forgive me but it sounds more like a case of boredom or predictability than being taken for granted

[FavoriteHeadache]

Favorite, I must say I feel sorry for her, I can very much relate! She is in a very abusive marriage and it's sad, trust me I know. :sick:She does not want to be the OW, she want's to be with you and your's only, sound's like that IMO, but then again I would think that most OW want the MM to themselves. Good luck to you.

 

AP:)

 

I appreciate all the time you spent replying to my stuff AP. Thanks.

[FavoriteHeadache]

I'm a little confused as to why you posted your story. You don't appear to be asking for advice and you keep telling everyone that they don't know the whole story. Why would you post half a story?

 

I've got a couple of questions if that's ok. Why if you love this other woman so much have you not spoken to her in three weeks if you believe that she's living in hell now her husband knows? Considering that she's so scared of her husband (and that you love her) it amazes me that you're not concerned. All you seem to talk about is whether or not he'll tell your wife (which you don't really care about at all).

 

You obviously feel no guilt for the affair and take no responsibilty for it because these things happen. Honestly I feel sorry for your wife, and especially the other woman. Where's your support for her now that all hell has broken loose in her house? It sounds like you've probably made her life worse, and that you've thought of no one but yourself in this situation.

 

Well Phoebe you don't understand, it's that simple. I am concerned about her.

We have no contact because she broke it off when her husband found out. I respected her wishes concerning that. She wants to be able to tell him that we do not talk anymore and be sincere about it. He doesn't actually know anything about what went on and she's probably saying that nothing did. She's trying to save face. All he knows is that we used to talk a lot. Do you see that part now? I wouldn't have just left her hanging otherwise.

 

I can't post the whole story at this point. I don't feel comfortable doing so.

 

I don't recall ever caring about him telling my wife. I don't think I wrote that except maybe as a response to something someone said. He lacks the testicular fortitude to confront me.

 

and how do you figure that I made her life worse? she was a willing participant. she did what she wanted to do. am I to blame for her actions? I don't think so.

[FavoriteHeadache]

so what were you in it for if you don't mind me asking?

and if with your w you have good sex and still go out pretty often what's missing? is there even anything missing? how does she take you for granted?

 

forgive me but it sounds more like a case of boredom or predictability than being taken for granted

 

Geez TomCat, I can't get into all of that right now. Relationships are complicated. I'm not going to start about how she takes me for granted or what is missing or all that.

[NoIDidn't]

I admit that I haven't read all of the thread, but what I have read so far really shocks me. I am surprised that FH even believes everything that she has said about her H. I mean, we all know that people in affairs have a tendency to exaggerate the truth about their spouses.

 

FH talks about all this connection, but I haven't seen anywhere where he misses her. But I do understand its because he never intended to leave his M.

 

FH, sounds to me like you take your W for granted too. What about doing something special for her? You know, you sound more bored than anything. And yeah, I know, I know, you can't get into it - or rather you haven't found a way to phrase it to be believable/acceptable - but you really haven't told much of a story.

[Tomcat33]

I admit that I haven't read all of the thread....

FH talks about all this connection, but I haven't seen anywhere where he misses her. But I do understand its because he never intended to leave his M.

 

 

 

Maybe you should read the entire thread, you will find that he actually DOES mention that he misses her.

 

FH you can't get into it!?!? Ok but you can throw out "she takes me for granted", explain that sex is fine, you do things togther she is a good mother to your children but don't expect the readers to wonder exactly HOW she takes you for granted?

[FavoriteHeadache]

I admit that I haven't read all of the thread, but what I have read so far really shocks me. I am surprised that FH even believes everything that she has said about her H. I mean, we all know that people in affairs have a tendency to exaggerate the truth about their spouses.

 

FH talks about all this connection, but I haven't seen anywhere where he misses her. But I do understand its because he never intended to leave his M.

 

FH, sounds to me like you take your W for granted too. What about doing something special for her? You know, you sound more bored than anything. And yeah, I know, I know, you can't get into it - or rather you haven't found a way to phrase it to be believable/acceptable - but you really haven't told much of a story.

 

Lol, you haven't the faintest idea about any of it! Your criticism is funny to me. Don't worry about it, ok? I know what I know about her for sure, ok? We were that close. I knew her for about 7 months. Of course I miss her but I'm trying to get over it and so is she. I came here and started this thread just to vent and try to put it all in perspective just yesterday. You're right, I do not wish to tell the entire story at this time (believe it or not). It has nothing to do with phrasing or acceptability whatsoever. Believe whatever you want (you already do).

 

Thanks for stopping by.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Maybe you should read the entire thread, you will find that he actually DOES mention that he misses her.

 

FH you can't get into it!?!? Ok but you can throw out "she takes me for granted", explain that sex is fine, you do things togther she is a good mother to your children but don't expect the readers to wonder exactly HOW she takes you for granted?

 

I was replying to someone's post. She had said that it seems like my wife does nothing "special" for me and I agreed and stated it as "she takes me for granted". I wasn't trying to make a point about that but after she said that I expanded on it some.

 

She's a good mother and a pretty good wife really, no marriage is perfect, right? She does take what I do for granted and I'm probably guilty of that too. She's a SAHM and has been for 20 years. It seems like all I am is the freakin' bank most of the time. But really I dont think that this has too much to do with the OW really.....it's not like I went looking for a fling because I was unhappy. Things just happened.

[FavoriteHeadache]

I miss OW a lot but I'm getting over it. I couldn't believe at first that she was calling things off completely. I didn't understand it. But once her h knew about it she got freaked out.

I still stay in touch with her through a mutual person who stays in touch with her and we communicate through her somewhat. It is important to ow that she can honestly tell her h that she no longer communicates with me. I understand that. It's all about appearances and she is frightened about what he would tell the kids.

 

But still I find myself sometimes wondering what she's doing. As time goes on I notice that she has less and less of an impact on me. I betcha she'll call again after awhile just to fill me in on whats been happening with her but it's much too early at this point.

 

Bla bla bla.....I'm rambling now.....

 

What a strange thing this has all been.

 

Anyway, I better get to bed. Much to do tomorrow.

G'night.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........

[NoIDidn't]

Lol, you haven't the faintest idea about any of it! Your criticism is funny to me. Don't worry about it, ok? I know what I know about her for sure, ok? We were that close. I knew her for about 7 months. Of course I miss her but I'm trying to get over it and so is she. I came here and started this thread just to vent and try to put it all in perspective just yesterday. You're right, I do not wish to tell the entire story at this time (believe it or not). It has nothing to do with phrasing or acceptability whatsoever. Believe whatever you want (you already do).

 

Thanks for stopping by.

 

Oh, you are QUITE welcome. Was it as good for you?

[scaredinlove]

Sorry but you don't care for eithr woman. You don't love neither one. If your connection with the OW was so great you wouldn't be so cool about it after only 3 weeks and you would be worring about her.

 

My MM maybe a weak man but he was extremely worries about me when my H found out and although at that time we I decided to stop communicating he called me back after only 48 hrs to see if I was OK.You are like whatever her H is abusive but i don't even care she has no impact on me after THREE WEEKS????????????????some connection.

 

I cheated on my H too and I felt guilty because a cared even though he was and is a really jerk.

 

Maybe your wife takes you for granted because you are too cold.....

[torranceshipman]

This guy just couldn't care less really...he's a selfish cake eater, full stop. If he wanted to help the OW he would NEVER have started something sexual with her when she is this low and vulnerable - she needed a friend - nothing else. His wife sounds lovely - a really wonderful mother to their kids and the sex life is still good, etc - unfortunately, however, she is not psychic so can't know when he is feeling 'taken for granted', and due to lack of said psychic ability, can't put time into fixing the 'problem' (which sounds like a middle aged man being bored...nothing more). Jeez man, speak up if you want things to change and put some effort into fixing this situation.

 

He also left the OW in a much worse situation, with all hell kicking off in her house, but he just finds ways of justifying it - anything to avoid taking responsibility. But hey, he had his fun....if he cared that much, he'd never leave her to face this crap alone.

 

Of course his wife isn't going to care that he speaks with other women, because she thinks he just has friendships with them, and is respecting his friendships and life independent to her. If she knew he was having sex with one of them then, believe me, things would change very quick. The poor woman would be heartbroken.

 

Grow a pair and tell your wife for God's sake - at least tell her there are problems in your marriage and fix them together. You're so selfish.