My Fair Katie Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Ugg, so I haven't been around awhile and I've always hated when posters only come around message boards when they have problems but not to help other people, but I promise that it was just because I've been uber-busy and neglecting my "online life." So, I do apologize for only coming back when *I* need some helpful advice! That said, something, well, odd happened last night. Rather my husband said something odd. I don't quite understand what he meant by it, but as he's already apologized and refuses to rehash things once he's apologized, he's less than forthcoming about why he said what he did or what he meant by it. Now, I don't think any of you can get in his head, but I'm so lost and I might be too close to the situation to give myself any insight. Last night my husband was in a cranky mood. Work related stuff and general financial stuff (we've been eating out too much--usually at his suggestion, and well heck, any night I don't have to make dinner and do dishes is a treat for me, so who am I to say no). So, seeing his misery I suggested that he take a half an hour break from work (it was 9:30 in the evening, he works from home and pulls long hours) and watch a half an hour of tv with me to calm down. He agreed and seemed relieved to put work up for a bit. We went into the bedroom to change and as I'm pulling on my PJs he asked, "Are you bleeding yet?" which is his ever-so-delicate way of approaching me for sex when he knows I am near my period. I was not, and told him so. He paused for a minute, "Aren't you late?" I laughed and said, "Well I'm not pregnant if that's what you're worried about!" My husband had a vasectomy awhile back. He said, "Well I should hope not, that's near impossible, unless you're cheating." I laughed and said, "When would I find the time for that?" This is the part that stumps me, his answer: "When you are not under my thumb." I was shocked. I just stood there quietly trying to figure it out, couldn't and finally said, "That sounded really mean." My husband got the deer in headlights look and was immediately contrite, saying he didn't mean it. But mean what? What does he think he didn't mean to say? Also I don't buy that he didn't mean it. He often says cruel things followed by an immediate "I didn't mean it." So wtf? Link to post Share on other sites
mockeryjones Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 does he do this only when is is stressed or is it more common than that? could he have been using gallows humor? Link to post Share on other sites
Bobster999 Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Have you cheated on him before? Has someone else cheated on him? It sounds like he thinks that if he doesn't keep close track of his SO that he will get cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author My Fair Katie Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 does he do this only when is is stressed or is it more common than that? could he have been using gallows humor? He doesn't really understand dark humour, so I'm thinking not likely. Plus after he said it he immediately got that look of "Oh s--t." He does it more often when he is stressed, but then, he *always* seems stressed. He won't see a therapist again or take anti-depressents as he worries that it will affect his security clearance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author My Fair Katie Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 Have you cheated on him before? Has someone else cheated on him? It sounds like he thinks that if he doesn't keep close track of his SO that he will get cheated on. To the best of my knowledge none of his previous girlfriends cheated on him. I have not cheated on him. We've been together 6 years, married almost 4. His parents did not cheat on each other. I'm fairly certain he is not cheating. He simply doesn't have time to cheat on me. Works from home, and when he goes out it's either with me or friends that I have absolute faith in (as far as they are not the type of friends to lead him astray). Link to post Share on other sites
Bobster999 Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Sounds like passive agression to me----he sounds upset at you about something or about life in general. Link to post Share on other sites
Author My Fair Katie Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 Sounds like passive agression to me----he sounds upset at you about something or about life in general. Oh, he's very passive aggressive. It's just usually I have some inkling of what he means. Here I'm lost. Does it mean I need to be controlled more, is he acknowledging that he's controlling, is he acknowledging that *I* think he's controlling and he does not? I just don't. get. it. Link to post Share on other sites
mockeryjones Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 He doesn't really understand dark humour, so I'm thinking not likely. Plus after he said it he immediately got that look of "Oh s--t." He does it more often when he is stressed, but then, he *always* seems stressed. well i cannot speak for your husband (obviously) however I have been known to do the same sort of thing when i am stressed, or tired, or lonely, or name your basic weakened emotional state. a lot of people don't take care of themselves well enough to maintain perfect control when they are put under stress and end up lashing out with whatever darkness is going through their mind at the time. It doesn't mean they believe what they say, it just means that they are temporarilly allowing their demons to surface becuase they really don't have the energy to keep them bottled up. in AA they have an acronym that helps people realize when they are doing this. HALT. It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. People tend to get cranky and lash out when they are dealing with any of those emotional/physical states. Even though you cannot change his behavior you might want to remind yourself that he is probably in one of those states when he lashes out like that. it is not really the husband that you know and love talking then, it is the demons that his emotional / physical weakness has allowed to surface. Link to post Share on other sites
Author My Fair Katie Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 it is not really the husband that you know and love talking then, it is the demons that his emotional / physical weakness has allowed to surface. And I do understand that. I am not always sunshine and roses. When I have a bad day I usually just say, "I'm in a cranky mood, you don't want to be around me." Usually when my husband has a bad day he seeks me out as a verbal punching bag. Once he had a conniption over the location of the dog bowls (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1151484&postcount=10) When he was done he said, "I'm in a cranky mood, you should just leave me be." He sought me out to make the complaint. He came into MY office. I really do understand frustration, and I try so very hard to be compassionate, to not take it to heart, but I'm seriously getting sick of being the person his anger is taken out on. And we'll talk about it, and for a week it will be wonderful and then he starts slipping, and it's back to the status quo, things go wrong, berate the wife, apologize, and do it again. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 could be he is looking for a reason to validate in his own mind a reason to exit the M. Dude is creating scenarios...... not jokes........... send yourself some flowers to the house...... and buy some condoms and leave them on the kitchen counter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author My Fair Katie Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 could be he is looking for a reason to validate in his own mind a reason to exit the M. Maybe, but it's weird. After he pulls this crap he's impossibly clingy. Last night watching tv he was practically ontop of me cuddling. It was uncomfortable, back still hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Maybe, but it's weird. After he pulls this crap he's impossibly clingy. Last night watching tv he was practically ontop of me cuddling. It was uncomfortable, back still hurts. This is the same dude that turns you down for sex when you ask for it. anywho...... too tired to really dig in deep here. Bottom line - Control Issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Here is my take on it. He was feeling embarrassed about his insecure line of questioning about your faithfulness, realized it was unmanly and unsexy (especially right before impending sex) so he blurted out what he thought was a "James Bond-style" manly-man quip. Link to post Share on other sites
Author My Fair Katie Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 Here is my take on it. He was feeling embarrassed about his insecure line of questioning about your faithfulness, realized it was unmanly and unsexy (especially right before impending sex) so he blurted out what he thought was a "James Bond-style" manly-man quip. Decidedly unfunny. I think he needs to return to the sophomoric "frat pack" humour I have learned to love. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 20, 2007 Share Posted June 20, 2007 Here is my take on it. He was feeling embarrassed about his insecure line of questioning about your faithfulness, realized it was unmanly and unsexy (especially right before impending sex) so he blurted out what he thought was a "James Bond-style" manly-man quip. Yep. Chalk it up to a failed attempt at humor - we've all been there, done that... Don't leave us hanging - did you have sex with him after his dumb line ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted June 20, 2007 Share Posted June 20, 2007 Well, having lived for years with a very aggressive passive- agressive man, who is also sometimes aggressive-aggressive, I understand your sensitivity. It may have been a lame joke made out of embarrassment, or it may have been a mean little thought that slipped out. He may have actually been thinking "that is right, you won't screw around because I am in control". I did not read your thread about the dog bowls - but I bet I have lived it! My husband has flipped out at me over dog bowls. He has also been infuriated by my christmas decorations that left sparkles everywhere, my choice of footwear, and what I ordered for take out. I know just what it is like to be the dog an "always stressed" angry person kicks. You are always waiting for a kick. Forever cowering and snarling, in turns. Right now I think you are wondering if that "joke" was a kick on the verge, or not. We are always looking for ways to predict the next kick. Link to post Share on other sites
Author My Fair Katie Posted June 20, 2007 Author Share Posted June 20, 2007 Yep. Chalk it up to a failed attempt at humor - we've all been there, done that... Don't leave us hanging - did you have sex with him after his dumb line ? No, I wasn't withholding sex, I guess he figured he just blew it. I do doubt it was a joke. If it was a joke he would have said so. He would not have spent the whole evening apologizing. Link to post Share on other sites
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