Lizzie60 Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 This has probably been discussed before... but I truly believe that in many cases, a marriage can be saved because one of the spouse (mostly men) is having an affair. This is a serious thought, I'm not trying to stir the pot... I'm just tired of hearing that OW/OM are dogs... In my experience, I've been told that it actually rejuvenated their boring marriage. The cheating spouse is usually happier and he makes his family happier... The MMs I'm seeing are all good fathers and they all love their wives. They treat them well. They don't want to hurt her. We talk about their wife, they will ask me advices... we talk about their kids (that's their favourite subject, LOL) Plus in some cases, they have more sex with their wife, it boosts their sexual life for some reason. I guess it could be the fantasy of the OW... I would never ask a MM to leave his wife... I am not 'in love' with any of them.. It's fun, we connect on all levels. I've heard it from most of the MMs that I've seen that it does help their marriage, otherwise they would just leave their wife and children... and everyone would be hurt. I know most won't agree with me but I truly don't blame any OW/OM...and not just because I'm one. I honestly think it helps. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 You are deluded if you believe this. Ask a spouse if they are happier once they know their H is cheating. asking the person who is having the cake and eating it too if their selfishness feels good is rather pointless. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 You are deluded if you believe this. Ask a spouse if they are happier once they know their H is cheating. asking the person who is having the cake and eating it too if their selfishness feels good is rather pointless. Yes, it is delusional. I especially like the part where she said she is sick of OM/OW being called dogs. Uh...well ya. OM/OW who learned from their experience have something to offer this forum. OW/OM, like Lizzie, who actually LIKE being with MM and don't find anything wrong with it shouldn't be surprised at what others will call them. She is justifying her sexual desires for MM by posting this bunk. so lets hear it from the BW's out there. You really think someone like Lizzie sleeping with your husband is something you would appreciate? Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Lizzie, this is the first time I have seen you try to rationalize your position. For the most part you are simply unapologetic and independent and use what you have learned in life to advise others on the forum. As a result, I have gained a lot of respect for you. I am disappointed by your remarks on this point, however. Lying and deception is not a positive and can't be shined up so that it becomes one. You can't slap some lipstick on betrayal and make it pretty. Your role is perhaps one which the rest of us should not attack. You are not married. You are not lying. You are not betraying anyone. But those men? They are liars who are betraying their wives and families. And, it is NOT good for their marriages and no amount of rationalization can make it so. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 I know most won't agree with me but I truly don't blame any OW/OM...and not just because I'm one. I honestly think it helps. Now thats the biggest load of crap I have heard on this forum yet. Link to post Share on other sites
silent_cadence Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 But what does it do to those marriages, if and when the wives find out. That's the kind of thinking that got me where I am right now.... I'm not downing you or anything here, I'm just making a point. The percentages are likely that the betrayed spouse will find out sooner or later anyway and then what? It ends up like my situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Havn_a_life Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 I don't believe even half the population would agree with this. A M can be fixed without any cheating on either side. Utter tripe! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 Lizzie, this is the first time I have seen you try to rationalize your position. For the most part you are simply unapologetic and independent and use what you have learned in life to advise others on the forum. As a result, I have gained a lot of respect for you. I am disappointed by your remarks on this point, however. Lying and deception is not a positive and can't be shined up so that it becomes one. You can't slap some lipstick on betrayal and make it pretty. Your role is perhaps one which the rest of us should not attack. You are not married. You are not lying. You are not betraying anyone. But those men? They are liars who are betraying their wives and families. And, it is NOT good for their marriages and no amount of rationalization can make it so. In my case, I know I would never tell the wife... I know I will never take their husband away from them... As you say, I am not married (in fact I never cheated while I was with my spouses)... so I'm not betraying anyone.. I may add, that if it's not me...it will be someone else, so in a way, it's a good thing cause I am not 'in love' with any of them... while if it was someone else, they could fall in love and they would get in trouble blablabla... All it is really is sex... nothing more and they know that right from the start. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 But what does it do to those marriages, if and when the wives find out. That's the kind of thinking that got me where I am right now.... I'm not downing you or anything here, I'm just making a point. The percentages are likely that the betrayed spouse will find out sooner or later anyway and then what? It ends up like my situation. problem... we are extremely careful.... I don't want them to get caught. I am sure (99.9%), in my case, that they'll never get caught. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 So, If the father of your daughter's baby cheats on your daughter, you think it will improve and possibly save their relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 That is the sickest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. If an OW can SAVE a marriage then both parties in the marriage would have to agree, that will never happen. The marriage is between two people, betraying the marriage can not possibly save it, it reduces it to nothing but lust and sex and a M is much much more than that. Justify it all you want, that isn't saving a marriage it is destroying it. If one person is that unhappy they can leave to save themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 So, If the father of your daughter's baby cheats on your daughter, you think it will improve and possibly save their relationship? maybe he is... or he will... and if she doesn't know about it, how can she be hurt? In their case, I would very much doubt that he is cheating for now... maybe he will ... later... In each couple,there is always one partner that loves more than the other.. in their case, he's the one who loves more. I know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 if you are the cheating partner... do you feel happier at home.. that is if you're not 'in love' with the OW/OM. I would like YOUR point of view. I only can write what I've heard from MY MMs... what about yours? Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 if you are the cheating partner... do you feel happier at home.. that is if you're not 'in love' with the OW/OM. I would like YOUR point of view. I only can write what I've heard from MY MMs... what about yours? Hey Lizzie, My affair helped my s/o decide to leave his marriage. He & his wife were miserable so it did help. He's happier & so is she. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 maybe he is... or he will... and if she doesn't know about it, how can she be hurt? In their case, I would very much doubt that he is cheating for now... maybe he will ... later... In each couple,there is always one partner that loves more than the other.. in their case, he's the one who loves more. I know that. Lets say you find out your pregnant daughter's partner is cheating on her. As a mother you don't see that any harm is being done to their relationship because your pregnant daughter is unaware? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 In my experience, I've been told that it actually rejuvenated their boring marriage. The cheating spouse is usually happier and he makes his family happier... I kinda giggled a little when I read this. It’s obvious the “rejuvenated” theory came from the one who cheated (a.k.a sex/relationship addict) who was stretching for some positive spin in order to justify their behavior to you, or more likely themselves. Usually agree with you on most things, Lizzie. But my opinion, experience and observations on this particular subject differs. Cheating doesn’t “rejuvenate” a boring marriage ... it’s the “fix” that rejuvenates the bored individual just enough to keep them stuck in their emotionally dysfunctional spin cycle. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 The cure is worse than the disease Lizzy. Wouldn't it be better if the husband just dealt with his bad marriage instead of making it worse ? By having an affair the issues are amplified not reduced.. the hurt of infidelity hasn't happened until the cheating begins. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Lizzy, Would give the advice to your own daughter or grandchild that instead of fixing the marriage that she should cheat on her husband ? You cannot justify your own indiscretions by saying you are providing a good service for their marriage Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 The cure is worse than the disease Lizzy. Wouldn't it be better if the husband just dealt with his bad marriage instead of making it worse ? By having an affair the issues are amplified not reduced.. the hurt of infidelity hasn't happened until the cheating begins. that the best would be the husband to work things out... but in some cases (always from my experience) it's not always possible... I'll explain later. I have to go now... will be back later. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 I would ask my ex what he thinks about how infidelity rejuvenated his marriage but since he only speaks now in the higher decibel range above my hearing abilities, it would only bring the dogs to his door. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 So, are you saying (Lizzie) that it is basically prostitution - minus the exchange of money? Meaning sex with no strings (except the - always present - risk for STDs), no future expectations of a furthering of the relationship (meaning, to exclusivity, with you), and it can end at any time? By either party? And that this kind of sexual exchange between 2 people (one of whom is supposed to be in a committed R with a third party) can be a benefit to the committed person's primary R? As a spice-it-upper? I think, as has already been stated, this would only have a chance (and not a big one, at that) of being true if the BS never found out. And of course, we could (and likely will) argue the ethics of that until next Tuesday... Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Lizzie, I have come to think of you as a kind hearted person. I think you are telling yourself this can actually help because you don't want to hurt others. However, the fact is that while YOU are not hurting others by having sex with married men (as you say, if not you, it will be someone else), the married men involved ARE hurting their wives and families. Now, I concede that the hurt is only felt if they get caught, but since that is the omnipresent risk, it is as good as done in my view. They are taking the huge risk that they will hurt the women that they made all those promises to, and they are doing so knowingly. If they are caught, what does it matter if they did it for a year without getting caught and so didn't cause any hurt for a year? Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Too funny TBF!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Then if it helps a marriage, why not just be honest and upfront about it? BOTH husband and wife can decide TOGETHER to have an open marriage. Lying, sneaking around, deceiving and cheating on your spouse does NOT make a marriage better! All it does is teaches you that it's OK to lie, cheat, hide secrets, betray and justify it, deny that it is just wrong to cheat on your spouse. Lizzie, by posing these types of questions, you're opening the door for alot of comments, and many probably won't be the answers you're expecting, I doubt this thread will stay if it gets out of hand with the mud slinging. Also, these types of the threads bring out the worst in everyone, and pins OW/BS's against eachother. JUST when things start to calm down, boom, another one of these threads appear. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 A friend of mine has chosen to ignore her husbands infidelities. Last year he shared his raging case of gonorrhea with her. They separated for a while but ended getting back together (I don't understand it) "for the sake of the kids", they have a junior in high school and an 8th grader. My friend never talks about her husband anymore and has totally involved herself in her job and her kids activities. She avoids her husband altogether. His infidelities have destroyed their marriage and my friend's self esteem. I'm sure that it has also caused problems for their children as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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