brooke Posted February 7, 2005 Share Posted February 7, 2005 I am 23 years old my husband is 27, i had recently found tons of porn in the house and on his comp... i have to say that i was pretty mad, hurt and jealous.. lol its funny because i'm the one with the higher sex drive and finding these things were a shock to me... it wasn't the masturbation that bothered me it was the masturbation to these images that got me.. so my husband and i have found away to meet in the middle.. we make our own dirty movies and take our own dirty pics.. so if the need arrises to him he'll be atleast doing what he's got to do.. to me... it makes me feel better and him because he knows he's not in trouble lol... just a suggestion for some of the couples out there dealing with this Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted February 7, 2005 Share Posted February 7, 2005 Oh my GAWD! brooke has THE BEST idea so far.............maybe this would be a "if you can't beat 'em.....join 'em" take your own dirty pictures and make your own dirty movies. That being said of course now us ladies will have to put on our best "slut" face and get this done for our men. Guys like to play........interested yet? What do you say ladies?.........is it worth trying? bubbles. Link to post Share on other sites
seashelly Posted February 7, 2005 Share Posted February 7, 2005 Okay.. I've read a few of the new posts.. and I have to say this.. what if you already HAVE made pictures together.. and he STILL looks at those other women? We have pictures of US but, he has still been doing this, even after I told him how I felt.. and the worst thing about it.. is he usually does this when I'm asleep, the computer is in our bedroom.. so he's looking at these things.. with me RIGHT there? What do you suggest? Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted February 7, 2005 Share Posted February 7, 2005 What do I suggest!? The only thing that worked for me was sitting down and telling him how I felt about it, and asking him to just not do it any more to spare my feelings, and then when he promised not to, THROWING OUT ALL THE PORN!!!! Including the computer Call it controlling, call it insecure, call it WHATEVER you like, I liked to masterbate to porn too, but not at the expense of his feelings, and his sex life. If I were put first, and then once my needs were met, THEN he looked at porn, there never would have been a problem. But I REFUSE to be neglected in a marriage. How fair is it to expect me to only sleep with my husband, and then be denied sex! Yes, it's fine if he's not in the mood to deny me, but don't go get off elsewhere, and then not give me any, and expect me not to go somewhere else and look for it. It just got to the point porn, or me. He chose me. sort of. He'll still sneak a porno once in a while, but I always know automatically. He'll get short and mean, and after about a week, I'll think that there must be porn somewhere around, and then within a week, I find it stashed somewhere. I'm sorry, but I refuse to live my life promised to only have sex with one man, when that man isn't meeting my needs, because he's selfishly meeting his own needs without me Link to post Share on other sites
Jeffrey Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 If he comes to you FIRST and your marriage is good, why shouldn't he have his own private time if he wants? As for 'addiction' that's a pretty strong word for what you describe. Someone addicted would be letting the rest of their life slip around them to pursue their habit and what you've describe doesn't really fit into addiction. I'm in a happy marriage, lots of regular love making and we get along great, but I enjoy my private time very much and wouldn't change it. Originally posted by emanon I'm 29 years old and have been a wife for almosr 12years. I've been married a long time and I love my husband very much. We also have a 7 year old son. My problem is that he likes to look at porn on the internet and hides it. There are many reasons that this bothers me, but the main one is that it makes me feel insecure and it hurts my feelings. I love my husband so much and no matter how many times (many many many times) we've talked (argued) about this he always says "I'll never do it again". I've told him that if he really likes to watch porn we can do it together, I really hate the fact that he has to hide it behind my back and delet everything off the computer before I come home from work. Since then we've watched porn movies together and I thought this was working - until last night when I found out he was looking at porn on the computer and hiding it. I really feel like I can't trust him. He doesn't seem to understand how this makes me feel, no matter how many times he sees me upset about it. Please give me advice Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Jeffrey, Most of us have problems with Pornography BECAUSE we are not being asked FIRST. That is the problem. We are being physically ignored so that our counterparts can go jerk-off in privacy to some slut on a computer screen. Does that sound fair to you? bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 As for the make your own movies and pictures idea, I took some sexy nude pictures of myself with the digital camera, then emailed them to myself at work, and printed them. I took them home, and showed them to him, and he said, "Why do I need pictures of you? I know what you look like..." Guess he would rather look at someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Jeffrey Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Being ignored, of course that's not fair. But this post didn't sound like that, she said they're having sex but that he still likes to view it. My marriage is awesome and we regularly (and first) have sex, but I still enjoy my private time. When you say 'being asked first', do you mean they're not asking for sex, or do you expect someone to ask permission to puruse and/or masturbate? Cheers, Jeffrey Originally posted by Bubbles Jeffrey, Most of us have problems with Pornography BECAUSE we are not being asked FIRST. That is the problem. We are being physically ignored so that our counterparts can go jerk-off in privacy to some slut on a computer screen. Does that sound fair to you? bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Monday Honey, You need to take your husband out in the back-yard and open up a can of Whoop-ass on that boy! If you're going to stay and tolerate it then why should he change? He sounds like an emotionally lazy man! My ex husband was an emotionally lazy man until I kick started his emotions! I packed his bags and told him to leave! Then he had all kinds of emotions. I made him leave the house and kept him out for 3 weeks! It did'nt last long. We are broken up now. I let him come back for 2 months and then told him to leave and don't come back. I am much better off on my own rather than being tortured by not having what I wanted. I wanted my husband to pay attention dammit! It was soooo difficult being IN the relationship and looking at the man who claims to love me but never laid a hand on me.....that was the frustrating part. When he left it was much easier to "not be touched" because there was no-one there to do it. bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Jeffrey, The poster is NOT BEING ASKED or persued for sex. If this was happening to you.......what would you do? I agree with you that each individual person is allowed "private time" but holy cow some people have become so lazy and un-attracted to their spouces BECAUSE of the availability of pornography on the internet. It's just irresistable to some people and they have forgotten that they got involved in a relationship BECAUSE they did'nt want to have sex by themselves all the time isn't it? Or am I wrong here? Don't we get involved in relationships to be loved and to have a partner to HAVE sex WITH? What's this world coming to?] bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Jeffrey Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 What would I do? Draw and line and stick to it. Be it porn, too much television, endless amounts of videogames or partying with friends. What they're choosing over their partner means little, alone in bed is still alone in bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Glad you got the picture Jeffrey......you'll do well here my son......you'll do well Just kidding with you. bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
momof3 Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 I think a key problem with all of these relationships, as well as my own, is the sneaking around; the dishonesty involved in the looking at porn. I realize that that is a big part of the draw for most people, but to me it just makes it worse. If my husband weren't so sneaky about it it wouldn't seem so seedy and dirty. I wish we could talk about it or at least laugh about it when I happen across his collection on the computer. But instead he pretends it didn't happen, and I guess I allow that. That's what makes my self-esteem plumet. I agree with others that it is only part of the problem in a relationship. Lack of communication being one other possibility! I'm trying hard to be open-minded and accepting of his porn habit - intellectually I can say it's normal and even healthy. But on a gut level, it really disturbs me and makes me feel like s**t BTW - i'd be careful about creating your own videos and photos unless you REALLY trust your partner - porn can uploaded as easily as downloaded and I'd hate to come across my own photo in some slimy porn site some where. PS - bubbles - you rock! Link to post Share on other sites
illumina Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 First time here. Have to say that most of the women posting here have it much worse than me, but I do have my own story to add. I've been with my partner for 8 years. The first 4 were great, but then we had to spend a year apart due to work and education commitments. I ended up cheating on him, which he found out about 18 months later. He agreed to stay with me, and try and make it work, but after he found out about my infidelity, he acted very differently. For one thing, he started buying porn. The first couple of times, he told me about it, but it upset me so much (hypocritical I know), that he didn't bring home any more. As far as I knew. But then, once we bought a computer and got the internet, I'd notice accidentally from the history that he'd been looking at porn, and I've since found books, magazines, and pictures cut out of newspapers hidden away (and I actually found things that he had hidden away before I had cheated on him). But now, anything he knows I won't like, he does anyway, but hides it from me. And if I complain, or ask him to stop, he brings up the fact that I cheated. I know I don't have a leg to stand on, since I did actually sleep with someone else, and as far as I know he hasn't done that, but I cant help feeling hurt, and I now feel like I can't talk to him about it. It's strange, before I cheated on him, it wouldn't have bothered me so much, I seem to have become a lot more insecure since then. Before he found out, he did once bring home porn to try and spice up our sex life, and it didn't once occur to me that he might be more interested in the porn than me. Now that's all I can think, especially since we don't make love very often. Although we never have, I've always had the higher sex drive. Which is the main thing that bothers me - I am always willing to have sex with him, I'm usually the one who initiates it, but he'd rather watch porn, or look at pictures of naked women, than make love to me. It's like it's too much effort. In the beginning he used to say he wasn't really interested in sex, and that was why he didn't initiate things very often, but that was obviously a lie. I'm really not sure if this is something I can put up with or not. I try and forget about it, but whenever I stumble across something new, it shocks me, and upsets me so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Having none of it Posted March 3, 2005 Share Posted March 3, 2005 Too funny to find this discussion. I just ended a relationship with a narcissistic, manipulative man who I had the misfortune of falling in love with a year ago. I was totally okay with his mags and videos, even jerking off to them. Who cares? However, when I stumbled upon his computer and found hundreds of pics of porn stars with their pussies spread, I was not too pleased. Then I spotted a preference for teenagers. He thought they were 18. ****ing sicko was 38, and these sad, exploited little girls could be his daughter. By the way, I am a psychologist and have treated sex offenders. I'm fully aware that most of the girls on such sites are under age. The beauty of it, is that he thought I am the one with the problem because "I'm damaged." Yeah, I don't think I'll own that one. The one thing I haven't seen here is the fact that these women are being reduced to nothing more than objects. I'm no bra burner, but c'mon. Classic. I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than be in a relationship with a disgusting, secretive pig. Tell those jerks to stick it up their ass. And find someone who respects and supports women (actually does so, doesn't spout it off, then go home and jerk off to porn). That's what I intend to do. Dr. Pissed Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted March 3, 2005 Share Posted March 3, 2005 Your ex sounds like my ex's EVIL twin brother! By any chance is his name Tom? LMFAO! bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
AntiPorn Posted March 3, 2005 Share Posted March 3, 2005 I can't believe how many people are having this problem. My husband makes it sound like I am the only one that has a problem with it when we fight about it. I think that I am a decent looking girl. People compliment me often, yet I still don't understand why my husband wants to look at porn as much as he does. I AM PRETTIER THAN HIM. What the hell makes him think that he shouldnt just be happy with what the hell he has? I will never know. I am 22, he is 24. If I go somewhere,(even if he is asleep when I leave) I can call my house as soon as I leave and the line is busy, meaning he is already on the net. Then when I come home, anything that I have put or downloaded on the pc for myself, like yahoo messenger for instance is GONE, I guess he does a total system restore to get rid of the crap he looks at. Makes me soooo mad, I go to school and come home to finish typing a paper and what i typed before is gone. I really do believe that this is an addiction. I know some of you have different views on what is addiction and what isnt, but by what I have caught this man (stranger) doing since we have been together is not normal. I say stranger because I married this man thinking he was just a "good 'ole boy" like his father and grandfather are. They are farmers, hard workers, really really great people. Now his mother is a different story, she has admitted to me that she had a "porn problem" herself and just recently got ahold of herself, which just sounds retarted. Anyway, maybe it's genetic! It just does something to my mind when I catch him doing these things, maybe because I had him pictured as a totally different person, and now its like I am having to get to know a totally different person, that I don't think I even want to know. I don't deserve this. I believe that anyone that can bring your self-esteem down so low like that, just isnt worth your time. I didn't marry someone to make me feel bad about myself. He says that there isn't a man in this world, (besides gay men) that doesnt like to look at naked women. Now I have seen old men with their wives in town and the men will be starring at every young ass that walks by while his wife sacks the groceries. That man is my husband. Thats the way I feel. If every man is like this, maybe I just become a lesbian! I have also made videos with him and even taken pictures and he put my pics on the screen and he would look at them while I was at home, but I seriously doubt that's what he looked at when I wasn't home. I have been with this guy for 8 years, since I was a young teen. He took me in and took care of me better than anyone in this world could have, and I really dont want to throw all this away because of porn. Someone please give me some ideas........ AntiPorn Link to post Share on other sites
hunter42345 Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I have only been married for 2 1/2 years, but he looks at porn on the internet a lot. It really makes me feel insecure. It makes me feel like he is not totally happy with me and thinks that there is something missing. It also makes me feel insecure about the way that I look and in my sexuality. I feel that maybe he thinks there is something out there better than I am or that something else makes him happier than I do. I often worry about it and then just end up letting it go. But no matter how much I just try to forget about it, it upsets me more and more every time that I find out he has been looking at it again. Link to post Share on other sites
AntiPorn Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 I know what you mean by that hunter, I can also let it go for awhile till I come home one day to see my computer doing a system restore again. I have even told him many times that I know he does it and stop hiding it. Not that I think that will make me feel any better, but then I would know that he isn't hiding anything from me. I say that because I know that if he thought for a minute that I was hiding something from him (especially if it had something to do with other men) then he would be very upset. He is hiding this from me because it's OTHER WOMEN. That is just wrong. I have went to a website with men before to see what he would say, who was I kidding, he walked by and laughed. I was sooo mad. I really think it would be different though if I hid it and started doing system restores my damn self. But why would I want to do that and upset him or start a fight? I dont, and damn it neither should he. I have given up plenty since I have been with him to make him happy and not only to make him happy but because it was just the right thing to do when your married and have a kid. People say that it's just what men do. Call me crazy, but I really believe that our sex life should include noone but us. If he takes a magazine in the bathroom and looks at a picture to jack off while looking at that woman then what the hell would he do if she was spread eagle right in front of him. I think I know. I'm not saying that because my husband looks at porn means he cheating physically, but I really have to say I would be kidding myself if I believed that it couldnt happen under these circumstances. I have seen some people post that they dont understand what the problem with this is. It is so hard to get my husband out of the house to do things. Life is so short and when you have a husband that rather sit at home looking at porn than going somewhere with his wife and 4-year-old son then I say that's not only a problem, but one hell of a reason for me and anyother wife in this position to be very unhappy. AntiPorn Link to post Share on other sites
Kepler16 Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I'm sorry but I have to agree with Antiporn and others. I'm miserable in my relationship because my fiance spends more intimate moments with girls in magazines (shoving dildos up their privates) than he does with me. And people think women shouldn't gripe and complain that this is normal for men? Well it ain't normal - my sex life sucks because he jacks off to much and never has a decent erection to satisfy me. I'm fed up and don't want to marry him anymore. It turns me off to picture him sitting on a toilet with his pants around his ankles jacking off to a magazine. I'm sorry but it's a major turn off and I have lost respect for him. More and more my love is fading and I just look at him like a skanky pervert. I'm sick of not being satisfied sexually and for all of you who think this is a boys will be boys thing - think again. Women hate it - it ruins marriages and relationships so IT IS A PROBLEM! Link to post Share on other sites
Magy Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Reading your post i feel for you guys, been there done that. No the photos/films won't work. Don't share the habit with them that don't solve the problem either it makes it worse. I been trying to figure it out for a long time. been married for almost 6 years and still my husband has a problem with it. I tell him if you would just be honest with me it would not bother me as much. (would hurt though) This is what is happening, he is looking at porn (oral), which started 1 month after we married. i was really mad (more like hurt) How come i am a hot looking female? That is what i asked him. he never told me at that point. Later about 1 year i was in bed and he stayed up late so i got up was very quite and there he was sitting at the PC doing his thing, this time mastabating. I came unglued i was so hurt i yelled at him. and slapped his face. Yeah i was harsh but i was HURT. Later that day we sat down and i asked him why, why do you feel you need to do this? Why hide it? Do you even have an idea how you make me feel?He responded I'm not really sure why i do it, I just get the urge, the reason i hide it is because i am ashamed of what i am doing. And i'm sorry i will try to stop, i don't want to hurt you. So over the last few years he is still looking at the porn, I have taken trips to visit my family and was in the hospital 3 times. Each time i have returned i have found the PC reinstalled. Which places me on alert knowing why he did it. So i install recovery 98 and take a look and there it is every time. Still no idea why he does it. Or how about we are laying in bed naked and he would rather get up go to the PC/TV and watch porn alone, rather than snuggle up to a nice warm wife and get satisfaction being intimate sounds better to me. That is what i find to be weird about the whole thing. I married him because I love him, i would never leave him over it but how come its OK for males to think its OK to break the vows. Which they are they might think of it as nothing more than a pic and mastabation. But there cheating/lying being dishonest is just plan wrong. What they don't realize is they are altering our minds to place us on alert, we learn how to have fear of what they are doing. They teach us not to trust them, which is something we never forget. Sure we could do the same thing, but i am not going to lower myself to there level. I really do not think there is a cure for them, its just a male thing you can argue/fight over it and it slows down but it will never stop. Some are just worse than others. Why don't a male just post on here and tell us why they do it. Maybe than we could show some kind of understanding to there problem. I guess i rather settle for a man with a porn habit than an abuser/sex offender/molester/drug addict. Just wish i had some incite on the problem. I never knew there were so many other wife's with the same problem. Magy Link to post Share on other sites
AntiPorn Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I know what you mean Magy. After reading all these posts and seeing that I am not the only one going through this, I sat him down yesterday and read some of these to him. I told him I just cant do it anymore, I stay so stressed over this, my muscles ache, I have been to the doctor numerous of time over having panic attacks. This is doing some serious damage to my body and I am only 22 years old. I first started having panic attacks when I was 18 due to finding out he was doing drugs behind my back for a long time, that was really hard and the only way I found out was because he had an actual heart attack when he was 18 from taking too many pills at one time. It was hard to deal with. He stopped doing drugs of course after that. It just seems that he always has to be doing something that puts alot of stress on me. Anyway, I packed my bags with him standing over me the whole time, telling me " I can't live here without you, this is all I know". And it's all I know too, I have been with this guy since I was 14 years old. We have a beautiful son, a nice home, steady jobs, and it really hurts that by some picture of a naked girl can ruin all that, but it does as some people on here says it has ruined their relationships. Of course, he went on to tell me that it was over, he would no longer do it anymore, that I meant more to him than anything, and that wasnt worth losing his family over. I'm sure alot of you reading this are shaking your heads thinking " yeah I have heard all that before". He told me that he didnt use to be this way, and i can vouch for that becuase he really hasn't. He says that since he was doing drugs all the time that it did something to him, and that if he could quit the drugs he could quit this as well. So anyway, here I am. Still here. I know it's because I just really really WANT to believe him, not that I necessarlily do, so I am not going to believe for right now that its that easy because if I do, who knows I may end up having a total mental breakdown. But I am going to try to give this another try, I feel like I have invested way to much time in this man to let it all go to **** now. I think to myself is it just because I feel like this is my home and I shouldn't have to take my son away from all he knows, or am I just ignorant? AntiPorn Link to post Share on other sites
Rosewilt Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I caught mine too...said he'd never do it again but did. Had stacks of mags in the closet - thought I was too stupid to notice. And in the past year- I found dozens of pics downloaded on our computer - which he said "was a virus" - is that at all possible????????? Can a computer get porn pics as a virus? I really dont belive that. Now, whenever he opens his email...it's a big secret.......it's so hard to trust him Link to post Share on other sites
Magy Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 ^Yeah i sat my hubby down to show him the post, i said see i'm not the only wife that has to deal with there hubby looking at porn. I cried and told him i just want to trust you again, which i find really hard to do cause i always notice things that put me on alert. AntiPorn i can understand where your coming from and what your going through. Sounds like you been through a lot. Its tuff to turn and run from what we should be standing and making stable. Ruining is easy but deep in the back of our minds our heart belongs in a place and its hard to let loose. You are his strength and he is your weakness. My hubby, would never cheat on me, I never thought about leaving him. But i do have a bit more control over my action's. Its something i have learned to deal with (we all do) in the end. Just keep posting and it gives you some support which is a good thing. Some don't have the understandings that others do. No Rosewilt porn pic's are not and cannot be a virus, he is just using it as a cover and to make you look dumb. I bet you don't know much about PC's. So he thinks you believe him. Take care guys... Until next time Magy... Link to post Share on other sites
Catch'em Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 You know, you gals can purchase a program at spectorsoft.com to see everything he's doing, even if he deleted it all. You can see everything they've typed, passwords included. Spector works, and it's hidden so they can't find it & delete it. This is what I had to resort to to see what my sneaky, lying husband was up to. Even though I wasn't happy having to check up on him, I was sick of denying those female instincts that just would not go away. Sick of him lying and pretending he was Mr. Trustworthy & how dare I think he would look at porn when he's already promised he wouldn't do that. Found out he was doing more than just looking at porn; he was also corresponding with someone in the porn industry. So listen up ladies... it may be worse than you think, and you have the right to know what the hell is going on. They certainly aren't being honest with you, so you need to find out your own way. You just gotta get sneakier than them, that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
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