Husband looking at porn

[emanon]

I'm 29 years old and have been a wife for almosr 12years. I've been married a long time and I love my husband very much. We also have a 7 year old son. My problem is that he likes to look at porn on the internet and hides it. There are many reasons that this bothers me, but the main one is that it makes me feel insecure and it hurts my feelings. I love my husband so much and no matter how many times (many many many times) we've talked (argued) about this he always says "I'll never do it again". I've told him that if he really likes to watch porn we can do it together, I really hate the fact that he has to hide it behind my back and delet everything off the computer before I come home from work. Since then we've watched porn movies together and I thought this was working - until last night when I found out he was looking at porn on the computer and hiding it. I really feel like I can't trust him. He doesn't seem to understand how this makes me feel, no matter how many times he sees me upset about it.

 

Please give me advice

[Tony T]

Your husband has an addiction to porn which likely started many years ago and remained undetected by you until recently.

 

A lot of the fascination and excitement of porn at this stage of his addiction is being able to look at it undetected. The possibility of being caught looking at it or masturbating while viewing it is far more exciting than having you there with him and viewing it together. The same holds true for many shoplifters who take things out of stores...items they have plenty of money to pay for. The excitement for them is the challenge of going undetected. So it's not likely that he'll ever be satisfied with you being present.

 

Your husband needs help, especially if he desires to continue this practice despite the fact that you fully know he does it. It's likely he will make extra efforts to hide all this from you, all with the idea of adding excitement for him. He probably has no idea of the dynamics of this.

 

This is one of the worst addictions to handle because very seldom do people want to seek treatment. It doesn't cost a lot to download pictures of naked women from the internet, there is little biological harm, etc. The only thing likely to get his attention is if you start packing your bags. And, even then, you have to risk that he will opt for his girly pictures over his marriage.

 

You ought to talk to a highly competent professional about the proper approach for yourself in this case. I can certainly understand how this would upset you and you have a right to be angry...and concerned as well.

 

Remember, this is a serious addiction and a psychological problem (one of the worst). Your work...and his....is cut out for you.

[HokeyReligions]

I'm afraid I would be so angry that I would start downloading pictures of naked men and saving them as wallpaper and screen savers and see how he likes it.

 

this is a touchy topic for me & I wish you well with it. I do think counseling is the way to go -- you need some help to deal with this and it might wake your husband up to see that it's so serious to you.

 

My husband has to hear at least two other people tell him the same thing I tell him, before he either believes it, or respects it. Part of it may be that he takes you for granted and assumes that you will always be there, and doesn't respect or understand the fact that you feel differently about it then him. My husband tends to think that if he doesn't feel very strongly about something than I should'nt either. Kinda like telling someone else to put on a sweater because you are cold.

[emanon]

Thanks for your advice. Right now I feel as though I have no control of my relationship. I'm done crying about something I can't control. He will do want ever he wants regardless of my feelings or how it will effect our relationship or how it effects me. All these feelings have changed how I view myself, my husband, men in general and now my son (only 8 yrs old). I want him to grow up and respect women, respect his wife or the women he loves, I want him to look at all women and see beauty not lust. I used to think that men were all different, that my husband was different. That he loved me so he didn't need any other women, that I was enough woman for him. I think I was naive.

 

Thanks for listening to me, I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. I guess I'm embarrassed. If I told my best friend I would feel worthless, adding to my feelings of insecurities.

[HokeyReligions]

Try printing out this whole thread and leaving it for him to find and read.

 

You don't have to feel worthless because the problem is NOT you - it is him. That took me a long time to realize that in my own marriage and it took even longer for my husband to realize it and then to start working on the problem. My own self-esteem was so far down the toilet it was almost irretrievable. You are not that far along - get some outside help now. Don't be afraid, I know it's embarassing, but you are NOT the only person to have gone through this and there are professionals who can help you.

[Bill]

I worked as a computer technician for 4 years. You would not believe the amount of porn on many of the computers that come in. On a few of the computers, the porn was causing the problem. 50 megabytes of space is not enough for a swap file people .

 

I deleted the porn all on the computers that came in, whether it was a problem or not. On some computers it was on the background, and on some it was starting up upon bootup. I did not feel like I had to be shown that. And yes, I had the right to delete whatever information I wanted. The customer signed a paper for each computer signing those rights to me.

 

I'd say you should talk to him about the whole issue again. Make it clear that you know he is hiding this stuff and that you are upset with it. I think you have done quite enough already, but give this a try.

 

As much as I'd hate to see the wallpaper, I think HokeyReligions has a good idea (the first post+second). He will realize how much it hurts him, and how much that can relate to your pain.

[emanon]

I have a young child in the house that I don't think should see material like this. So posting a wallpaper is out of the question.

 

As for surfing porn for myself, he has already told me in the past that if this is something I want to do, it wouldn't bother him. He said those guys are only pictures not the real thing. This really frustrates me!

 

He tells me he is only looking at these women in the pictures and videos - not touching them, so he doesn't see the big deal. I told him last night the big deal is *how* all this makes me feel. I told him that it is hurting *me* and that I am his wife, that *he* is suppose to love me so why would he want to do something that hurts me - -

 

I told him that he degrates me when he does this. He didn't see it my way. I told him that it would be no different from him putting me down verbally - - it's emotional batter. Again he said he couldn't see my line of thinking. He said he loves *me* and would never degrate me.

 

In all other aspects of our relationship he is everything I've ever wanted. He's a gret dad, he cooks, cleans up, works hard, I know he loves me - - he shows me so much affection ! I refuse to give up on him. I love him too much. But all this hurts me so much. I don't think he realises it unless I'm balling my eyes out and I feel as those I have to beg him not to. That's when he'll tell me those words I know is a LIE - - "I'll never do it again" . I tell him I know you will do it again. Yesterday he said I was 90% to fault for all this 'cause last time we had this arguement I told him he *would* do it again. I told him he should take responsibility for his own actions and not blame everything on me. As of last night we've only spoken a couple of words together. I refuse to cry about this, at least in front of him so I decided to give him his space to see what he'll do. He slept on the couch last night. I guess that is his way of space. I'm not sure what to do from here?

 

Jen

[HokeyReligions]

I told him that he degrates me when he does this. He didn't see it my way. I told him that it would be no different from him putting me down verbally - - it's emotional batter. Again he said he couldn't see my line of thinking. He said he loves *me* and would never degrate me.

 

It doesn't matter if he doesn't get it. If you told him that it is disrespectful and degrading to you, then he needs to stop it even if he doesn't understand it.

 

He's sending mixed signals -- telling you he loves you and won't degrade you, but showing you that he doesn't love you BY degrading you. Actions speak louder than words and you both need some help with this. Does he realize that your marriage is in crisis?

 

Get some counseling - if he refuses to go to counseling then you go. That will send him a signal and you will find some help in dealing with this and in communicating it to him.

 

He may be addicted and not able to stop and that is a whole 'nuther monster to deal with. Please get some counseling.

[Mitch]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

Try printing out this whole thread and leaving it for him to find and read.

 

You don't have to feel worthless because the problem is NOT you - it is him. That took me a long time to realize that in my own marriage and it took even longer for my husband to realize it and then to start working on the problem. My own self-esteem was so far down the toilet it was almost irretrievable. You are not that far along - get some outside help now. Don't be afraid, I know it's embarassing, but you are NOT the only person to have gone through this and there are professionals who can help you.

 

I have read it.

[Mitch]

Get some counseling - if he refuses to go to counseling then you go. That will send him a signal and you will find some help in dealing with this and in communicating it to him.

 

Counseling will create problems, in fact I have suggested it on a couple of occassions. The reality of it is that in no way do I trust a "counsellor" in fact I grew up with them while I was a kid, they are biased people who only have an opinion from there stand point at least the ones i met when my mother took me to them.

 

I realize that this hurts my wife and to be honest I can't come up with a reason that i do it, call it an addiction I suppose but by that definition it's as if I can't wait to have the computer by myself.

 

i have nvr thought I was the "guy" or mentally replaced my wife for someone else at anytime. I consistently try to reinforce our relationship and remind her how much i love her.

 

Then I do this

 

I am staring here looking at a caption that she put on the monitor it reads as: "Think before you act" wise words why is it that I don't have that ability?????

 

I'm sure this must be a real turn around for you to be able to confront the other side in fact she asked me if I wanted to come on hear and read this.

 

I have always had a troubled life as a child, single mother, only child, abusive mother, nvr a father.

 

At this point I have a hard time expressing feelings, in fact I try to keep things bottled up and as of late been prone to explosive anger bursts (which have been alarming me as it's not a normal response).

 

Of course the old stand by is:

You need help

 

I can truly tell you that I have no trust in the psychological line of work and find it incredbally(sp) that I'm here at all or for that matter my wife. The last time I went to speak with someone it created a whole new problem

 

more later...

[Steppenwolf]

Hi Mitch--

 

First off, it takes a big person to confront an issue of this magnitude and to face a board full of strangers and their advice.

 

I share in your skepticism of psychologists and you sound like an educated individual. However, has it crossed your mind that perhaps the therapist you chose was a JERK?

 

I mean, these people may have degrees and experience but that does not mean that they can be insensitive, too probing, or flat out wrong.

 

It sounds like you love your wife. She obviously loves you. Would it be too much to try another therapist in a different town or of a different gender? I mean, you wouldn't have major surgery without a second or third opinion, would you? So many times, we as Westerners overlook the importance of emotional and mental well-being and yet we're there for our yearly check ups and monthly dental cleanings!

 

The fact that "other" problems surfaced with this experience may suggest the pornography fixation is rooted in a whole host of other issues that are too sensitive for you to broach at this point. No--I am not a psychologist, but I am a pragmatist and empiricist and a person who is not s stranger to therapy.

 

You definitely had it rough as a kid. Believe me, I can relate. Just because you had one or two bad experiences with the profession does not necessarily mean you should totally dispense with this very viable and helpful means of resolution.

 

Whatever route you choose, I wish you the best. Remember--It takes a REAL man to confront his problems.

[Bubbles]

I cannot emphasize enough the huge emotional impact you are having on your wife. She is suffering because of your actions. My ex-spouce is my ex because of porn. on the internet. If I were you, I would re-evaluate. What is more important to you?

 

No matter what I said or did changed my ex. He was determined that what he was doing should not affect me. Yeah right! What an idiot he was........now where is he? Alone, single yet he has the support and comfort of his presious porn. So there he sits broken hearted night after night, day after day all alone in a room with 1000 women and not one of them can hold him. Think about what I am saying.......this could happen to you.

 

I think the only reason why men are abusing porn on the internet is because it's like have a private strip club at home. How dare any of them bring that kind of garbage into the home where you raise your children and create memories of Christmas, Valentines Day, Birthdays, Anniversaries etc...........you certainly wouldn't take you wife out for your anniversary to the girlie club now would you?

 

If men want to look at porn, they should go out with the boys and leave the crap outside the home.

 

Good Luck to you guys, sorry I come across rather harsh but many people have lost the loves of their lives because of porn.

Don't let it happen to you.

 

Bubbles

[quankanne]

mitch, you're a brave guy to come aboard to read what your wife's written, and I commend you for that.

 

as a wife, I understand completely what she's feeling. When you guys look at other naked chicks, it takes something away from us, because how can we compete with that? Looking at porn or going to strip clubs to see what new dance "the girls" makes us feel like crap, because in a sense, they're giving you something we know we can't. And when y'all do that time after time after time, especially when you've taken that vow to "forsake all others," it's hard to trust in the love you say you have for for us.

 

Fantasizing about a hot guy or a hot girl is normal, and we've all done it at some point. But, when someone gives your love to you, she's giving you her trust to not stomp all over her heart. And when you look for excitement by looking at porn or hanging out at strip clubs, you're "showing" her that she means even less to you the "innocent" pictures you're looking at, because she's trusted you. I guess for a lot of us wives, trust means not screwing around -- and doing these things is as bad as screwing around in our eyes. Because we get to wondering, 'well, if it's okay for him to do that, what's to say it's not okay for him to start sleeping around on me?" I guess it's very hard for us to separate these things ....

[retasue]

When I met my husband I knew he looked at porn as he as a sailor for 17 years. He saids, that is all they do at night. That is certainly one I don't understand, why a group of man would want to get aroused in from of everbody else than go masterbate but that isn't my problem. He had promised he would quit but he didn't', so same old altimated and it worked for awhile but he did again and now after a year I have got him doing it again. and again I heard all the old promises and lies. Right now he is staying at a hotel because I don't know what to do. My family and children thinks he's the greatest but I have always hated porno even when I was young. I think it is sick and I have never had the need to look at. Do they look at and then go masterbate. I am really thinking of living this time, I wish he wasn't so good in all the other areas. Please advise me.

REta

[faux]

From reading all of this it does not seem to me that porn is an issue.

 

I believe he wife has insecurities and other problems which need to be addressed. And no, I am on no witch hunt... I feel the husband has issues which need to be addressed as well. I do not see porn as the culprit here.

 

To rebut something said earlier, it is NOT just the husband's fault or problem. I see people are VERY quick to judge based on their own limited experience, and lack the ability to observe without bias. These issues touch close to the heart. The heart is not always correct.

 

To me it definitely seems there is much more going on here. Counseling is necessary. I hate therapists and psychiatrists as well through many years of bad experiences, and a very bad family growing up, but sometimes you have to trust them.

 

I find it helps to remember that you have a right to NOT say everything that is on your mind. You always have a right to your privacy and you are not required to answer questions you do not wish to.

 

I only feel the need to jump in on these issues because they relate very, very closely to what has happened in my family and personal life. I have seen in my life and many others that justifying insecurity in such ways often is the incorrect solution.

[Pam]

My boyfriend is sleeping in the spare bedroom right now because of this. I found porn sites in his internet history. I was looking for a graphic I'd stored on the computer and found a whole lot of pictures he'd downloaded. The backpack he carries to work was sitting open and there were porn magazines sticking out.

 

Someone tell me what it's all about. He's not talking. I feel like he's cheating on me. Why don't men understand how hurtful it is to women? I'm no great beauty but I do the best I can. I'm not ugly. But I'm never going to look like those women he looks at. How can I not feel like it's competition? If I looked like that, maybe he wouldn't look? He's looking at them sexually and anyone who says he's not is full of it. I can admire a great body as much as anyone. But I don't buy magazines to do so.

 

I've been going to a lot of sites to see if maybe I'm overreacting. What I've found is that men almost always say it's normal and women make too much out of it. Women, on the other hand, feel exactly like I do. Not all women. I guess you have to be in this situation - on this side of it - to understand how it makes someone feel. It crushes your self esteem. I feel like he's cheating on me. I feel like I'm not good enough.

 

When he touches me, I wonder if he's learned that new move from a porn site. No, I don't enjoy it. I'd prefer he discovered things on his own. With me.

 

Now I feel like, to make this work, I have to try to look better. I have to perform better. There weren't any problems before. I've asked. I now feel like I have to put a lot of effort into keeping my man interested in me instead of other women. How can we be close if I'm wondering if he's picturing another woman?

 

The biggest struggle I'm dealing with is, all of the advice sites say "he's only looking at them, but he's only WITH you." How do they KNOW???!!? If I were the outsider, I'd be telling myself, "Baby, if you think he's cheating on you, you have a much bigger problem than him looking at porn." Am I overreacting? I just feel like he's already cheating on me and looking at other women is just the first step. If it's ok to think about having sex with other women, maybe he'll think it's ok to go ahead and do so.

[Leigh Anne]

I will come to Mitch's defense and say that, as a minority here, it is perfectly healthy for him to look at porn. Porn is such a big aspect of most men's lives, and sex with a person is different from self pleasure accompanied with visuals. Men like to indulge in both aspects of their sexuality, and it's both healthy, just different ways that men express them. Mitch, I think that your wife is overreacting to your porn use and that it is something deeper, much much deeper than porn itself. I condone porn use, but ONLY if you are not depriving her of sex, of real human intimacy with her husband. Is this the case, Mitch?? If this is not the case, then it is safe to say that it is due to her insecurity. Based on her posts, she has said over and over that she cannot compare to these women and they make her feel insecure. Mitch, you need to reassure her that NO, you are comparing her to these women, and you need to help her work on her self esteem issues. However, you are entitled to your own privacy and own life even if you are in a relationship. She needs to understand that controlling you, calling you a porn addict, is not the route to go. She has two options. If she does not want to know about your porn use, then she has the right not to ask you. However, if she wants to know, then be open and honest with her. Maybe it's the deception part that bothers her; the fact that you hide it from her. So don't!!! She will let you know if she doesn't want to be aware of your porn use, or she will appreciate you keeping it in the open with her. However, if she restricts you from using porn all together, then she is either very possessive, selfish, or insecure. Those are her problems, not yours.

 

I am a female who's signiificant other has a a healthy enjoyment of porn. I don't mind it, sometimes we share it together, sometimes it's his own private sexual life. However, it has not interfered with our sex life, and he feels no need to hide his viewings of them from me, however, he is discreet enough to not be tacky!!!

 

Mitch, I hope my minority view is of assistance.

[taylorlee]

I'll warn you now.... this will be long. I'm titling "Porn Help", but as you'll see, it's probably the smallest problem in my relationship. My husband and I have been together (off and on) for 7 years. I love him dearly... I obviously must, as you'll see. We've seperated several times. He's a very lazy man. He does NO housework, isn't much help with the kids and is truly, unintentionally, cruel with his words. I'm only going to add the next part because I feel it to be of importance. I hope everyone reading is open minded and not judgemental. When we met, I was working at a gentelmens club as an exotic dancer. I had been divorced for 6 months from my first husband, had one child and had, had no previous job skills. We met through a friend of ours. He was the most wonderful man I had ever met. He thought, or at least said he thought, that I was the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Looking back, everything he told me that I admired so much about him, he said just to get me. He told me (which he didn't have to because I'd have been none the wiser) that he threw away all his pornographic materials... movies, magazines, etc........because he didn't need them anymore, he had me now. Of course, by what he had built himself up to be, I wouldn't have even thought he'd look at such things. But what a compliment! He didn't like my dancing, so I quit. After a year and a half, I became pregnant with my second child. He begged and literally cried for me and my oldest son to move in with him. He wanted "to take care of us" he said. Throwing all caution to the wind, we moved in with him. It was great for the first year. Of course, we had arguments and the typical problems that occur in relationships, but then everything changed. He started not going to work for weeks at a time and laying in bed all day. Which has become a pattern it seems. I go and get a regular job but I can't depend on him to watch the kids. He expects me to miss work whenever he want's me to. I'm a reliable person. I'd lose jobs because of this. Keep in mind, his grandmother gave him his house, we have no credit cards and own our cars. The only expenses we have are the very basics - utilities, auto and house insurance. We should be able to get by on his income. His family hates me because they think of me as the poor girl whose dream is to be pregnant and sponge off a man. This is what type of impression he has made of me. It gets to the point, him laying in bed until 2 to 3 in the afternoon, we get so behind that HE wants me to go dance. Well, I've done this a couple of times. I do not enjoy that line of work, honestly, it's not so bad if you're single, but being married and being sent down there is a terrible feeling. I can't handle it for long. I get home at 2:30 in the morning and he is still awake watching TV or playing video games and the house looking worse than when I left. Then who do you think has to get up and clean the house and take care of the kids at the break of dawn? I do. So usually, after weeks of warnings and the, "I thought you said I only needed to go back for a week or two to get us caught up and you were going to go back to work?" conversation becomes a broken record, I end up taking the kids and leaving. It's been two years since I danced. We split up 9 months ago. The kids and I moved to my fathers and after being there for about 4 months I found a pinhole camera in my room and wireless microphones. Yes, at my fathers! I immediately got the kids and left! I had no where to go, so we came to my husbands (WHAT A MESS MY LIFE IS) for somewhere to stay until I could get on my feet. I told him I could just go dance, that way I could make enough money to be on our own. He didn't want me to have to do that. He wanted us to save our marriage. He will work, I can take care of the kids and the house, we will start going to church and marriage counseling. It's been almost 5 months. He lays in bed until 2 or 3 in the afternoon, he's pawned everything of any value besides this computer, the TV and his guitar. He doesn't help with any housework,or kids,haven't went to church or counseling. We have a huge water bill due in 2 days with a cut off notice and now he wants me to go dance. Since we've been back here, with him, I've woke up several times and he's masterbating to porn. The payper view porn. I give him sex. I will give him sex even if I don't feel like it. I give him sex without even being satisfied myself. I do not understand why he needs to watch other women. Now he justifies it by saying that I shouldn't get so mad since I will be striping for other men soon. I don't even want to go! I don't want to go so bad I feel sick thinking about going. How can he make me go? My other alternative is to have the water turned off? He's such a jerk and besides a homeless shelter, right now, I don't know what else to do. He's a independent contractor and he conveniently pawned his tools so now he can't work. I will have to just go for a week and then he will get his tools and go back to work! We've been in so many arguments about this and I can't help but bring up the porn, to prove my point that he must not love me. During these arguments, he has said a few things that I can not forget. Ladies, consider this for a moment. When a guy goes into a strip club, he's not going to spend his hard earned cash on what he's not interested in. Every women working in there is fair game, no matter how old, fat or ugly the guy is. No matter how small of a chance the guy has with the perfect, blonde with big, fake implants she'lgladly pretend she likes him and take his money, right? I can tell you, yes, she definately will. Then when he leaves she will laugh at what a pathetic excuse for a man he is, since he wasted his and his families money to look at boobs and be lied to. I do not have or wish to have implants. My cousin got them and they looked great! 2 years later, one started leaking. She had them redone free, besides the anestesia and a few days later the same side started leaking again. She had the redone a 3rd time..... 3 times in 2 years! They look bad now. I wouldn't get them if somebody paid me to. I will tell you, there are just as many guys who prefer small breasts over large. In fact there are guys who only like small breasts. It's the same with hair color, weight, everything. My husband seems to think every guy in the world thinks the perfect woman has large breasts, is about 5' 7", with blonde hair and looks like Pamela Anderson. I promise, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that is just what he thinks is the ideal fantasy girl. There are many men out there who would choose to be with someone who looks totally opposite of her. I just want to let everyone out there, who's husbands make them feel less than perfect or inadequate in any way about their appearance know that there are many men out there who think that they are the absolute perfect looking woman. I've seen it all. One night when I was working, a man came in, all the girls that look like the women in the porns sat with him to try their chance at a drink. He didn't like them. He bought a girl who most, would consider shouldn't work there a drink. In fact, he came in about once a week, just to see her and buy her drinks. In his eyes, she was the most beautiful girl there. He did this for about 3 months then he realized that's all it was ever going to be and quit coming in. That's how it works. Anyhow, I know I'm rambling, but for anyone who is interested........ who's never been to a place like that, that is how it works. That is why, when I have to go work there and the men start complaining of their wife, instead of, like most of the girls in there, agreeing and telling them what they want to hear, I tell them they are a jerk. I like to think of myself as a therapist in a way. "Oh, you're at the strip club while your wife is at home unhappy? Gee, I would be a bitch to you to. What you need to do is go home and talk to her and find out what it is that is bothering her so much. Look, the waitress is coming over, why don't you buy me a $152.50and I'll tell you what you need to do to have a good relationship with your wife." Then I think to myself, "A $75.00 Dr. Pepper.......Cheap bastard!" but I say, "Thank you" and drink it fast! "The first thing you should try is helping out with the household chores. That is as good, sometimes better than four play to women, especially if you have kids. Then you can do things like kiss her when you're not horny, just to remind her how much you love her and rub her back, do things without her having to ask. When she says something about you, think of it from her point of view before you say a lot of cruel things as a way to defend your wrongs, because I bet, 9 times out of 10 she has good reason." 4 drinks later, when the poor guy is broke........ "If you go home and she's mad because you were here, don't try to blame it on her. You know the famous, "If you weren't this way or that way I wouldn't have done this......." RIGHT! "Tell her you are truly sorry and to prove it never do it again!"

 

Men don't suck, but the ones I've been with do! I appreciate any advice. I'm so tired. I woke up at 4 in the morning to him and his porn and have been up since. I just feel that if he did love me, since for whatever reason it does upset me, then he just wouldn't do it. He always promises since it bothers me that he won't do it, but he just does it behind my back. And how dare him justify it because HE is giving me no alternative, but to go dance. That is how I feel. I think I will keep dancing and save money to get an apartment. Is it obvious he doesn't love me or is it just me? I feel so stressed out about what my father has done and now I feel like he's just adding so much weight to my shoulders. When I tell him about how he doesn't help me with anything, which would be different if he worked, he tells me how ungreatful I am because he's trying to make things work and letting us live here! He's trying to make things work how? By sleeping? What really irritates me is that he will sit up watching porn until the wee hours of the morning and sleep all day. He could at least squeeze some laundry in there!

 

I hope after reading this, some of you see that you just may not have it so bad after all. If things don't change, I'm going to have no choice but to leave. I look so forward to hearing about how his parents think it was best since I'm a stripper! I think I will write them a letter and tell them how things really are. Of course, they don't know he doesn't work, because he lies to them. He tells them he's working and borrows money from them because I spend all our money, he just can't afford being the sole provider and I refuse to work. Then I'll leave and he will tell them we split up because I wanted to go back to dancing and he didn't like it. He's such a liar! He has a $500.00 guitar and since he can pawn his tools, you'd think he could pawn his guitar, but NO he won't. He's not going to do that, he'd rather send his wife to the strip club!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please whoever reads this, tell me what you would do if you were in my shoes.

[taylorlee]

I think I may have replied to someone elses post instead of starting my own??? I've never done the message board thing until now. If I did I apologize.

[k9muttlover]

Another female perspective here...

 

I agree with Leigh anne. It's healthy and fine - the key element is that it is not REPLACING the intimacy/physical relationship with your significant other. Once it becomes a replacement, it crosses the line and is no longer healthy.

 

There are so many dynamics to this issue.

[TazmaGurl]

I have the same trouble with my husband, well it only happened once that I caught mine, but he did promise never to do it again and I know its BS... why can't men see our point of view. Maybe because its easier for them to think its normal and healthy? Our love isn't worth giving up their obsession for naked, dirty, meaningless bitches?

 

Hey taylorlee -- just a suggestion until you get the nerve to leave this guy. Why do you still dance if you hate dancing? How about getting a job at a coffee shop or a grocery store?

 

It doesn't pay as much, but it sure helps with the feelings you say you are having about going dancing.

 

I work at a hardware store at minimum wage full time, and my husband is part time, but we have a mortgage to pay, while you guys only have the auto insurance/house insurance/internet etc to pay. I am sure 1 of you working full time minimum wage would bring in enough money to take care of all that.

 

Tazmagurl

[sandy80]

I too have trust issues with husband's addiction. I've been married 22 years and thought I was in love. It started after a few years of marriage. He commented about other woman in front of me. Then I caught him having phone sex. Then he was playing tennis with another women. I don't know what else. He promised it was all nothing. I took him back and really forgave. Well, my father died, I had a breast biopsy, and husband brought home is work computer for the kids. I checked the Temp. Internet files and wow. 100's and 100's of porn photos. One photo was a full screen of boobs entitlied Bob's wife's boobs. I was devastated (especially going through a biopsy at the time). He also had favorite folders set up "Girls". The suprising thing was I couldn't find any work on his computer. He's a computer tech. It was all sex. I also want to mention he was so mean to me every weekend he would start stupid arguments. I feel like a fool. I left with my kids, and my friends talked me into going back. I'm here, but have a deep pain in my heart every day that just won't go away. He's appologized and says he loves me every day for a year. (Oh yeah, a month ago, he was back on Streetblowjobs.com. (Up close, love and personal). He's curious, he says. It's not my American Dream. I'm contemplating divorce, but in deep emotional pain. The trust is gone for good.

[sumdude]

This is obviously a very touchy subject and a huge problem for a lot of couples. I for one, do sometimes look at porn. My sex drive is much higher than my partners. Sometimes I get frustrated. So rather than take it out on her or get mad or argue about it, I take care of my 'stress' on my own with a bit of help from visual aids. I accept the fact that she's not as interested as I am and she accepts the fact that I, very discreetly, take care of myself at times. If our sex drives were a closer match I doubt I would really look at porn much.

 

Certainly this is one case of one particular couple. But I will say this, that for me. There is absolutely, positively, no emotional attachment to these images. There is no way in hell that these are replacements for any person.

 

I'm only speaking for myself. But it is pretty common that men have a higher sex drive than women. It is fact that porn or not we think about sex much more often. It's a biological drive that was built into us millions of years ago. A strong man can deal with it and remain loyal. Sometimes we have to find ways to release the pressure without hurting anyone, or at least thinking we're not hurting anyone. We do it in secret and keep our mouths shut about it. Ladies, most of us are horny as hell most of the time. Especially between the ages of 15 and 35. We're not sick or dirty or whatever. Nature made us this way. Sure there are cases of addiction and just plain bad folk. This is where it becomes totally unhealthy and I won't comment further. This is where the professionals should come in. Just try to keep perpective. If it's a sometimes, quiet thing or an obsession. The lines may be a bit blurry.

[reggio]

This is a tricky one.

 

I think it would be best for you to seek professional help on how to deal with this.

 

The sensitivity of your husband situation needs to be dealt with cautiously.

 

I don't think the answer is to leave him, instead if you take the initiative and get a professional's opinion it might make it easier to handle.

 

Obsession over Porn is a deep and personal problem. It's obviously his and not yours.

[FolderWife]

When he looked at porn (be it videos, be it playboy, be it pay-per-view, or be it internet) he had a low sex drive, and was VERY mean to me! Every fight, he'd throw something at me (never hitting me..just in my direction, as a controlling threat), or say the meanest things! Once he took a hammer to the computer, he stopped completely. He was the best husband in the world, once we got porn out of the house.

 

Last week was his vacation, and while I was at work, he got HBO and Cinemax. He tried to get me to get these channels for him before, but I didn't want to, because I just felt uncomfortable with them, because I had heard Cinemax gets pretty smutty sometimes...so he said he didn't want them either. I came home the first day of his vacation, and he was watching a regular old movie, but his DVD player wasn't on...so I knew he had a movie channel. I didn't say anything. A long time ago, during an argument, he got mad and broke his remote control, and had to buy a universal one. With the universal one, he couldn't order pay-per-view. Ironically, the day after he ordered HBO and Cinemax, he had the cable guy bring him a new remote control. The next day, I got the cable bill (which is in my name...he won't let me open any mail that's got his name on it) and I opened it. When I got home, and showed him the opened bill, he got upset fast! He started asking, "Why did you open that??? That's a bill, I pay the bills, you don't need to open that!!!" I said, "It has my name on it." He said, "It doesn't matter! It's a bill, you don't need to open it!"

 

1. He ordered Cinemax when I wasn't home

2. He got his controller fixed when I wasn't home

3. He CALLED THE CABLE COMPANY to have all of this done (my husband doesn't call anyone for anything...especially business calls)

4. He got irate when he saw that I opened the cable bill (even though nothing was on it, I figure next month's bill will show something.

 

Also, he's been SUCH A GROUCHY MEAN husband since he got HBO and Cinemax. He was so kind and wonderful, but now he's a jerk again....just like he was when he was being nasty behind my back

so...

 

5. He's short and temperamental with me again.

 

I think if I find porn this time, it's going to be ultimatum time: Porn or me. If he promises to not intentionally look at another naked woman besides me for as long as he lives (if we are watching a regular old movie that has a nude scene, I'll let that pass...no playboy or porn) then I'll stay, but if he can't make that promise, I'm gone.