Husband looking at porn

[FolderWife]

Let me clarify something: I won't issue this ultimatum because I'm a control freak, I'll issue it, because I can't live with a husband that I'm afraid of, or one that deprives me of sex because his dick is raw. I also can't put up with the heartache of doubting my self worth, or feeling like my husband doesn't desire me. He treats me SO GOOD when he's not looking at porn all the time, but if he does, he gets so mean and nasty.

 

Funny thing is, he started treating me like **** again about 2 days before I found out he'd called to have his controller fixed....the only time he's mean to me, is when he's doing something behind my back.

[Sandy 80]

I find it interesting to know he is nasty to you if he's been watching porn. I didn't associate my husband's nastiness with porn, but now it's making sense. My husband also was extremely nasty to me during all of his porn watching (I just didn't know he was watching porn at the time and couldn't figure out why he was so nasty). He was also starting to get violent with me and punching walls during simple arguments.

 

The last call was when he starting to threaten to punch me in the face. He would throw a punch and stop short. This has occurred only over the past year. I left him and he' has not done it since. (Almost one year ago). He gets sex every day. Also, his requests in the bedroom were getting more bizzare. Also, as he started to talk about other women at work, how hot they were, whatever, he didn't seem to care about my feelings.

 

After this all came to a head, because of me leaving him, he's seeing the light. I make him read all kinds of literature and he has been great. Of course, he fell off the wagon about a month ago. I'm trying to understand this so called addiction. However, from reading other posts about this is just men and they have a higher sex drive, etc. My answer to that is you have to control yourself with family, friends, work, etc. Doesn't your wife deserve that same control? It really comes down to self control, respect, and being a mature adult. We all have thoughts, but whether we act on them is another story.

 

There is a great article on http://www.moralityinmedia.org/pornsEffects/clineart.htm. This has studies that have been done on porn and the effects to men and their behavior. I didn't associate my husband's violence before with porn until I read this. I'm trying to justify his behavior and trying to understand before I make the big leap to divorce. I also have him reading the article. It's very long, but worth reading.

[sumdude]

People get addicted to all sorts of things. Alcohol, cociane, heroine, cheeseburgers, ho ho's, porn. There is always a level at which it can become a big problem.

 

I know of many friends who have watched porn and are in heralthy commited relationships. I also know of a couple who couldn't control it and/or couldn't remain true to thier spouses. These same people almost always also had drug or alcohol problems and emotional problems. It goes deep and often all these things are all connected. One thing they call addictive personality disorder.

[Leigh Anne]

Originally posted by Monday

When he looked at porn (be it videos, be it playboy, be it pay-per-view, or be it internet) he had a low sex drive, and was VERY mean to me! Every fight, he'd throw something at me (never hitting me...just in my direction, as a controlling threat), or say the meanest things! Once he took a hammer to the computer, he stopped completely. He was the best husband in the world, once we got porn out of the house.

 

Last week was his vacation, and while I was at work, he got HBO and Cinemax. He tried to get me to get these channels for him before, but I didn't want to, because I just felt uncomfortable with them, because I had heard Cinemax gets pretty smutty sometimes...so he said he didn't want them either.

 

I came home the first day of his vacation, and he was watching a regular old movie, but his DVD player wasn't on...so I knew he had a movie channel. I didn't say anything. A long time ago, during an argument, he got mad and broke his remote control, and had to buy a universal one. With the universal one, he couldn't order pay-per-view.

 

Ironically, the day after he ordered HBO and Cinemax, he had the cable guy bring him a new remote control. The next day, I got the cable bill (which is in my name...he won't let me open any mail that's got his name on it) and I opened it. When I got home, and showed him the opened bill, he got upset fast! He started asking, "Why did you open that??? That's a bill, I pay the bills, you don't need to open that!!!" I said, "It has my name on it." He said, "It doesn't matter! It's a bill, you don't need to open it!"

 

1. He ordered Cinemax when I wasn't home

2. He got his controller fixed when I wasn't home

3. He CALLED THE CABLE COMPANY to have all of this done (my husband doesn't call anyone for anything...especially business calls)

4. He got irate when he saw that I opened the cable bill (even though nothing was on it, I figure next month's bill will show something.

 

Also, he's been SUCH A GROUCHY MEAN husband since he got HBO and Cinemax. He was so kind and wonderful, but now he's a jerk again...just like he was when he was being nasty behind my back.

 

So...

 

5. He's short and temperamental with me again.

 

I think if I find porn this time, it's going to be ultimatum time: Porn or me. If he promises to not intentionally look at another naked woman besides me for as long as he lives (if we are watching a regular old movie that has a nude scene, I'll let that pass...no playboy or porn) then I'll stay, but if he can't make that promise, I'm gone.

 

Are you his wife or are you BIG BROTHER? That is, censoring, not allowing Cinemax to be on the TV??!!! That is taking it overboard, a tad bit! However, if he IS depriving you of sex, go and buy a vibrator.

 

When he wants sex, don't give him any. At this point, I see this relationship being sexless with the couples going elsewhere for sex or sexual stimulation; whether that be sex toys, porn, etc. What you need to do is not play the role of BIG BROTHER, that is not your right. However, you do have a right to seek marital counseling and to ask him to join.

[TazmaGurl]

If she doesn't like his lust for porn, he should chill out with it...

 

Porn actually effects some women, don't call us bossy because it makes us feel bad -- don't you think we'd rather feel like its nothing?

 

The man should practice some self control and stop using the "its normal and healthy" crap. If its hurting her, its not normal and MUCH LESS healthy for their relationship.

 

 

Tazmagurl

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by Leigh Anne

Are you his wife or are you BIG BROTHER? That is, censoring, not allowing Cinemax to be on the TV??!!! That is taking it overboard, a tad bit! However, if he IS depriving you of sex, go and buy a vibrator.

 

When he wants sex, don't give him any. At this point, I see this relationship being sexless with the couples going elsewhere for sex or sexual stimulation; whether that be sex toys, porn, etc. What you need to do is not play the role of BIG BROTHER, that is not your right. However, you do have a right to seek marital counseling and to ask him to join.

 

We still have sex quite regularly. Ironically, that's the only symtom that hasn't returned.

 

When my husband had access to limitless porn, we never had sex. It became a chore, with me doing an hour of rubbing just to get him hard, and then he never got off. My husband was very hostile too. Therefore, once I FINALLY got porn out of the house, I didn't want a trace back in it. That's why I didn't want Cinimax in the house. I didn't tell him that he couldn't have it, I just told him that I didn't want it, therefore he knew that I would be upset if he got it. If you'll notice, I didn't throw a controlling fit when he got it without my "permission". He gets angry if I BUY ANYTHING without asking him first. We usually try to keep anything we do financially (aka, adding new channels that would cost about $30 more a month) between both of us. He didn't do that when he ordered Cinimax. Our relationship has improved so much since getting rid of the internet, that I didn't really care so much when he got Cinimax...as long as he doesn't revert back to his old ways.

 

If you'll notice, since he purchased Cinimax without first discussing it with me (because he knew I wouldn't like it) he's been hostile towards me again. I didn't say a word about him getting it, except that I noticed we have movie channels. As a matter of fact, I told him that it would be a great idea at this point, because I am planning surgery in a couple of months, and while I'm in remission, it will be nice to watch movies all day

 

Leigh Ann, has your husband ever had a porn addiction, and threatened to bash your head in over any little argument, while depriving you of sex?

 

By the way, I did buy a vibrator, and I have turned him down when he wanted sex, but guess what, missy, he never wanted it, until we got porn out of the house. If you had ever been in the situation that I have, you'd realize that the idea of any nudity in your home after getting it out would be devistating. I've tried everything to make our marriage work, but the only thing that worked so far, is not giving him access to any naked woman besides me!

 

Don't insult my intelligence by insinuating that I don't have enough sense to try little things like "buying a vibrator and not giving him sex" while vibrators help, they do not get rid of the need for your husband. If you had any idea what you were talking about, you'd realize that once you get your husband back after his addiction, you will do ANYTHING to keep him unaddicted. It's not censoring, it's TRYING TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK!

[sandy80]

I couldn't agree more Monday. There is so much more to life than living around porn and the behavioral side effects of it. Live life and enjoy it. If a marriage works in a healthy way, the side effects are never ending. I believe there are sole mates.

[Leigh Anne]

The solution, however, is not to censor and treat him like a little boy!! How long do you think this will go on before he's looking at porn again??!!! Don't you know that by treating him in that way, he's going to be much more tempted to want to watch porn again??!! I have always said that it is a problem if your significant other is denying you of sex, that's not healthy. This, again, has nothing to do with porn. By censoring him of porn, sorry to say, but you are saying, "look, I know if you're looking at porn, you don't want me, but now that you can't have porn, you want me", doesn't that seem a bit like he's settling for sex with you, since he has to get off somehow, and there isn't porn, so there's you!? It needs to get to a point where he can look at porn, and STILL want to have sex with you! Try counselling, not censoring!

 

If you think I am insulting your intelligence, I am not. I am merely saying that, like any relationship problem, his fascination with porn, if it bothers you, should be discussed in a healthy manner. Try counselling. Hey, maybe your method of censorship might work for you, and if it does, then congratulations! I just don't think it's a healthy way to approach this and yes, I have had friends who have dated men with sex addictions, and trust me, it's manifested in many ways, and yes, my friend did try your approach, and NO, it did not work. It became a game of cat and mouse. She seizes his videos, he buys more and hides them, she finds them, he buys more, etc. By finally going to counselling, sex addiction for him, and marital counselling for the both of them, have they been able to resolve the issue.

 

AND YES, I worked as a counselor at a domestic violence, so I DO have knowledge about violence in relationships. Porn didn't make him violent, he's just violent by nature. What he needs is anger management and you two need couples counselling, that's all I'm saying!

 

Good luck with you!

[FolderWife]

Leigh Anne, I think you are right. Nothing is going to stop my husband from hurting me, except thereapy.

 

I came home for lunch Tuesday, and decided to watch a video of a program I recorded the night before. I took it out of the VCR in the bedroom where I watch TV, and tried to put it in the lving room VCR. It didn't go in, so I hit eject. The tape that came out was a blank tape (one of mine that I use to record my Soap Operas) so I thought that it was one that I left in there and forgot to watch. I put it back in, and hit play, and YOU GUESSED IT, it was a porno...one that was recorded off of the television. I immediately went hysterical. I knew he was looking again, but the proof just was too much to bear. My first impulse was to destroy the tape, but I decided to keep the "evidence". I was now too distracted to do anything (including eat) so I returned to work.

 

I then called our cable provider, and asked them if there was any pay per view ordered on our account. He said there was, and told me the dates, times, and titles. All slut movies of course. All at times that I was at work, asleep, or at my mom's. Guess when the first one was ordered.....the night before I was scheduled to go visit my mom....the next day, he acted like he couldn't care less that I was leaving, and actually wanted me gone...a COMPLETE turn around from the wonderful doting husband that I had had the day before. When I arrived home Sunday, he was a complete jerk to me. He was yelling, and mean, and calling me a slob, and just being so mean! I couldn't believe that I had been away practically a day and a half, and he couldn't stand me!

 

At 3 o-clock, my husband called me at work to ask me to do him a favore and call someone. I told him I would, but he could tell that I was angry. He of course asked me what was wrong, so I said, "I think you know what's wrong...." he was like, "Huh?" I said, "Look in the VCR" He said, "What's in the VCR?" I said, "It's a porno!" He said, "What? " and hung up on me. I wasn't scheduled to go home until 5:30, but sitting in my office trying to work was unbearable...all I wanted to do was cry. I couldn't believe this was happening to us AGAIN!!!

 

I left work an hour early, and went home to confront him. He was mean and angry, and said I was acting like a baby. I was crying, and he told me that I was acting stupid over nothing. Finally, I told him he owed me an apology, and he said he was sorry. I told him that I would forgive him if he PROMISED to never look again, and he said he did (I don't believe him of course).

 

We started looking for a new home about a week ago, and he has been a complete jerk through the entire process. He is impossible to live with. I had enough last night, and spent the night at a hotel, and it was such a RELIEF to be away from him.

 

I am seriously considering divorce this time. I have never considered it so seriously as I am now. He apologizes, but his appologies don't mean shti! I would like to stay at a hotel again tonight, but I think I'm going to go home and try to talk to him again. He doesn't seem to be sorry about being so mean and cruel to me at all *not even including the porn....just he's been mean!*

 

I think at this point it would be best for us if we weren't around each other at all. I'm going to work late tonight, and hope that he's asleep when I get home, so I don't have to hear his false apologies.

 

He loves me enough to apologize, but he doesn't love me enough to get help so he doesn't hurt me any more. I wish he would go talk to someone, but he doesn't want to admit he has a problem. I am at my wits end. All I can do now is pray, and hope God helps me through this mess that he keeps putting us in.

 

P.S. When I asked him why he looked at porn again, he replied, "I don't know, it just happened..." Sounds like someone who can't control himself to me...

[FolderWife]

When I confronted him about the video, he said that I needed to quit spying on him. I told him it was an accident that I found it. I KNEW that he was looking again, based purley on the way he acted towards me. I didn't want to see woman on woman action...I wanted to pretend it wasn't happening again. I wanted to trust in my husband's promises. It was pure coincedince that I found that movie. Trust me, I didn't want to see that in the least bit.

 

He had ordered at least SEVEN movies for $9.99 a pop! And HE'S ALWAYS NAGGING ME TO SAVE MONEY!!! Do you realize how much money he wasted!?!?!

 

Ok, back to the point:

 

He said that he needed time away from me....by that he meant time to watch porn when I'm not around. I told him if he wanted time away from me to watch football, or basketball, or go play basketball with his buddies. He said, "When I do that, you whine!" That is a complete lie...I'd ask if he was going to play basketball, and when he'd say yes, I'd say, "Good, have fun".

 

What kind of husband needs "Time away from his wife" so he can get off on fantasies of other women? I don't need time away from my husband!!! I get time away from my husband at work!

 

Now that I'm writing this, I think I'm not going home again tonight. He want's "Time away from me" then so be it. I am just so hurt. As far as I knew we were getting along great....what a lie

[Leigh Anne]

Monday,

I am so sorry to hear! I just know for a fact, through experiences with friends and their significant others, that keeping track and preventing their men's porn use is sometimes not even effective, and lastly, it even encourages them to use it!! Why? Because it creates this web of lying and deceit.

You do not deserve to be treated in this way! You have a right to ask him to go to therapy. I would sit him down, calmly, tell him that you care about him, but that you want the person you married back. Then you should list and describe to him the things he does that is ruining your marriage. You also must reiterate that your problems with his porn use is not the porn itself!!! Men will immediately invalidate women's feelings if the conversation is about porn in itself, because, and to a certain extent, I agree, porn is usually not the problem in itself. Men don't see porn as being the problem. So by saying that porn makes you insecure, etc. is not going to get the conversation anywhere. You must take this conversation beyond this, tell him that by using porn, he is DEPRIVING you of a human, loving relationship, he is violent, secretive, rude!!! Firmly, but kindly suggest that he seek counselling. Tell him you will be supportive because you want the man you were in love with, back. If he has an ounce of sense in him, and if he cares, he would at least CONSIDER counselling. I don't like ultimatums, I think they should be used sparingly, but I think in your case, you have every right to leave if he doesn't even make an attempt to go to therapy.

 

Good luck with you! Keep us posted!

[sumdude]

I pretty much agree with Leigh Anne. Your husband has issues beyond the porn. That seems to be more of a symptom though it's still an addiction in of itself. there may be some harsh truths to deal with coming up. There may possibly be some other deep resentments on both sides, yours and his. things that for whatever reason can't be talked about and instead show themselves in actions. Get counseling. Find a way to communicate without accusation but with "What's the deal?" "Why are you doing this?" A counselor can sort of be a referee for the two of you. If he thinks the marriage is worth it, and you do too, it can help a lot.

[angelwings]

OMG! Im new here and just read your posts Monday and every bit of it sounds exactly like my husband and I. I am going through the same things and its killing our relationship. There have been so many times that I have accidentaly(I did not go looking for it either) found hidden videos of his and confronted him with it and he would tell me the same thing, to stop spying on him. He would say that he was gonna show me but just didnt get a chance to yet. I feel just like you in that I do not want to find this stuff. I want so much to believe what he tells me. When I do find it I feel so sick inside.

When we're having sex Im wondering if hes thinking of me or thinking of some porno he watched. My husband will also get angry and mean and treat me like crap. And then he will sit up on his computer all night or kick me out of our room and lock the door. He will say its because he needs some time alone but I know why hes doing it. Im not dumb. I never ever treat him like that. I never look at other men like that. He has so much porn its unreal. He says that he likes to watch it with me and doesnt watch it alone. Bull. I tell him that it hurts me and blah blah blah but he doesnt care. I try so hard to be open and understanding. Its just so hard when hes not trying. When he thinks that theres nothing wrong with it. He says I have problems and that all men do it and that all his friends go to strip clubs but he doesnt so hes not doing anything wrong. We have been together for 13yrs and I have been dealing with this since we first got together. I thought he would stop. I never thought I'd be dealing with it for this long. When I think back on our 13yrs together all I see is porn. That has always been the main problem in our relationship. Im beginning to feel like we really shouldnt be together. That my husband is turning me gay. Really. If we divorce I think Im through with men.

[FolderWife]

oh angelwings! 13 years!!! Whenever my husband looks at porn again, I realize that if I stay with him, we are going to be battling this for the rest of our lives. He gets so mean and controlling when he looks at it, it's like he's a different person! When I tell him how he's acting, he blames me, and says the reason he treats me this way, is because I'm so irritating.

 

He called yesterday and apologized for his behaviour, but I didn't say I forgive him yet. He wants space, he can have it. I went home at 8:30. He went to bed shortly after, and I slept on the couch.

 

If he wants to destroy our relationship, then I'm sick of fighting, and I'm tired of rolling over and forgiving him every single time.

 

What can we do???? Are we doomed to be miserable for the rest of our lives!?!

[sweetmind20]

monday,

 

it sounds like the issues with your husband are more than about porn.. for him anyway. i think he uses it for an outlet for the feelings he has simmering beneath the surface.. anger toward women, fear of real intimacy, etc. are examples. unless he agrees to go to counseling, and actually changes, you will deal with this for the rest of your life, and it will only get more draining and weary as you go on. what is the point of a marriage like that? i just hope that if he doesn't agree to get help, that you pack up and leave. you deserve better than this.

 

best of luck,

sweet

[FolderWife]

My husband DOES seem to have some aggression towards women...particularly his mom. He has a tendancy to say things like, "All women are sluts." When I ask if I'm included in that category, he of course says no. He usually says that when he's watching some program where a woman cheats on her man or something.

 

The porn that he watches isn't necessarily violent towards women. It's a lot of girl on girl action, or two girls and one guy, or just a guy and a girl together. It isn't violent. He pickes titles like, "legal leg affair", and "busty babes" Titles that announce a SUPER SEXY WOMAN is going to be involved.

 

He's the nicest most romantic man when he's not involved with porn. On the Wednesday before he ordered pay-per-view, he shaved my legs for me. That's how sensitive he was. Then suddenly, he changed from the prince to the toad! 2 weeks after he started ordering porn, I found out, and we had a big fight. He'd been mean and rude to me for the 2 weeks, and it came to a head when I found out about the porn. Then he acted like he was TRYING to be good to me, but I wasn't very nice to him, because I wasn't over it yet. I wanted nothing to do with him. On top of this porn thing coming to a head, we are in the process of buying a new home, which has put a lot of stress on both of us.

 

It's just a big mess right now. I was dreading buying a home, because I knew that it would be like this. He's not one for making decisions...he'd rather take the quickest easiest rout to get to the goal. Buying a home is not quick and easy...it takes HUNDREDS of decisions.

 

I felt numb yesterday all day. I didn't care if he came or went. However today, I'm starting to miss him again.

 

Why is it the person you love can treat you with so much disrespect and put you through so much crap, yet you can get over it and start missing them in a matter of days. I'm not over it, but when I sit here and think about him, I have a lot harder feelings towards him than when I see his face....because when I look at him, he's still the gorgeous man that I fell in love with. It's just when I'm not looking at him, and I'm thinking about all the things he does to me, I want to leave him!

 

If I ever do leave him, I'm going to have to not allow myself to see or speak to him, because if I do, I'll take him back in a second

[sweetmind20]

monday,

 

the psychology of things is a lot simpler than people know.. but us humans handle it with complexity because we are complex. you say that he has issues regarding his mom. that speaks volumes right there. was she mean to him, or perhaps even overbearing? the way a man relates to his mother, is how he relates to women. there is no way around it. mom was his first love, and he has learned about women through her actions. his view is negative. that he says all women are sluts.. that is not something to ever joke about. that is like joking about rape. it's wrong. he sounds like he has a strong resentment toward women.. maybe he sees them as controlling, suffocating, manipulative.. it's a love/hate thing. his maleness is turned on by women, but in turn, his anger towards women comes to the surface.

it sounds like he doesn't know how to fully function in an intimate relationship with a woman. perhaps he doesn't trust women.. and that's not saying that he doesn't love you in his own way.. but his way isnt what you deserve. the part of him that has the human need to love and be loved sounds like it's not completely wiped out.. he married you. but his issues put up a huge wall between the life he wants to have with you and the life he has with you now. i think he is afraid to cross it; he doesn't know how to relate to women on a purely caring , healthy level.

he probably gets pissed at you because you represent his feelings toward women.. he takes it out on you .. like i said, his outlet is porn.. and when he thinks you're trying to take it away, he gets defensive, resentful.. that you're taking his "fix" away, his drug. when he doesn't have his drug, he panics, and you become his outlet. this is not healthy at all.

why do the people whom we love.. who treat us like ****.. make us end up missing them and wanting them back again and again? i think it is because we are constantly trying to relive the way things used to be when everything was ok. we think if i just try harder, or maybe this time will be different.. i can recapture what was.. but sometimes that is impossible.. sometimes the people we thought we knew.. we don't know at all. people can only act for so long. i'm not saying your husband's love for you has all been an act.. i'm saying it may have seemed ok in the beginning because he was not "threatened". when you become serious with someone, you start looking at yourself more.. reacting more.. acting differently in some ways as you become more comfortable with the person..

i just pray that you take care of yourself.. it's a hard lesson.. but sometimes love just isn't enough. if he is treating you badly, you need to ask yourself how much more you will take.. and should you have to take it. i realize that one has to at least try to salvage their marriage.. but there is only so much you can do. and in the end, if you have to end up changing so much about the person just to make your relationship function normally, that person is not right for you.

 

keep me posted..

 

love,

sweet

[FolderWife]

All good points sweet!

 

I try not to remain ignorant in these things. When he does something that hurts me, I don't just cry over THAT, and get over it when he apologizes. Every single time he hurts me, I re-evaluate my marriage. I think to myself, "Ok, am I willing to put up with this for another 20+ years? If I am, how much more will I be willing to put up with? What are my limits? Should I bail out now, before things get worse, or stay in, and hope that they don't get much worse? Are things bad enough now, for me to have a valid reason to leave? OF COURSE THEY ARE! Do I love him enough to stay and try to make this marriage work? I love him...is that enough of a reason to try to work it out?"

 

I ask myself these questions over and over for at least two days after he's done something (like look at porn, and talk to me like crap) I think things through, and I ask myself if I'm ready to leave him. I don't want to quit my job, pack my things, move back home, settle the splitting of the assets, only to decide that I can't live without him, and go running back to him. Then, I'd have to find another job, and bring all my stuff back home, etc...

 

Every time I think, "Ok, that's it, I'm leaving," I ask myself, "Now, once I LEAVE, will I be able to stay GONE! I still love him, so will that cause me to come back to him?" I usually answer myself, "Yes, I still love him, I will come running back to him when he makes all the empty promises of never doing it again yadda yadda yadda.." So that's when I decide to forgive and forget. What's the point of holding a grudge, and not believeing his promises, if I'm just going to take him back any way. So I accept all of his apologies and I appreciate that he promises never to do it again, but I know that he WILL do it again, so I just accept that as long as I love him, I'm going to live the rest of my life getting my heart broken time after time, and being disappointed in my husband again and again.

 

That's no way to live life, you understand, but I know myself well enough to know that I'll go running back to him if I leave, so why leave?

 

I come on here to try to help others, with a real world sense of vision. I don't fool myself into thinking he's going to change, because that would just be stupid on my part. I hear when everyone tells me to leave him, that I can do better, because I tell myself the same thing...it's just when I start to miss my husband, the man that I love, suddenly he's full of apologies and promises that I WANT SO BADLY TO BE ABLE TO BELIEVE, and he's my good wonderful husband again....so I tell myself that I love him, and right now he is the man that I fell in love with, so will I be willing to put up with a lifetime of broken promises and broken hearts for a few weeks in between of wedded bliss?

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So I stay....again. It's not getting up the courage to leave: I know I can leave, and he'll let me go. I have a wonderful family to fall back on. I know that I can be alone the rest of my life and still be happy and healthy. The issue is being able to stay away. while I think I can manage 3 months of seperation, I know (I KNOW) that if I see or talk to him, I'll fall right back into his arms again.

 

So I stay. I stay because I love the man that he is sometimes, even though I hate the man that he is once in a while. Even though he continues to break my heart 10% of the time, he also makes me the happiest woman in the world the other 90%. I would LOVE to get rid of that 10%, and have a perfectly wonderful marriage, but this is an issue between us that will probably never go away.

 

So every time this 10% reaccures, I am going to spend my two days in depression, deciding if THIS TIME am I ready to leave for GOOD.

 

Thank you all for your sympathetic ears. Thank you all for understanding me. I said all this to let you all know that my eyes toward my husband are WIDE OPEN. I never ever ever thought that I would put up with as much from a man as I do. I know that people who haven't been put in this situation would say, "I hate people who say that they are unhappy with their marriage, but JUST WON'T GET A DIVORCE!!! I'm so SICK of hearing, 'oh, he treats me like crap, but I LOOOOOVE him!'" I understand that you may get sick of hearing us pour out our hearts to you, then taking no steps to prevent the pain in our marriage from coming back. I want to thank you for being so patient with those of us who aren't ready to leave.

 

Telling you all how I feel is very very helpful to me. It helps me to get the hurt outside of me. It helps to tell everything that's going on inside me, so I don't feel it as overwhelming.

 

Kinda like cutters, who cut themselves to let the pain out, I talk and talk and talk to get the pain out.

 

Thank you all for letting me unload my pain.

[sweetmind20]

monday,

 

i'm glad that you have open eyes; that will save you a lot of extra pain because you hold no illusions. it does make me sad to hear that you are willing to be treated like this. the truth is, a person needs the motivation to change their behavior. your husband is unmotivated because he knows that no matter what he does, in the end it will be OK with you. when you get upset and leave or threaten to, do you notice the difference in his behavior? he becomes scared, he apologizes.. he must be threatened into becoming his better self. right now, his little world is safe, and you are paying for it. you say he is a good husband most of the time.. then wouldn't he want to work on this marriage with you? have you asked him to receive help? i'm serious. you say you could be separated for awhile.. maybe that would do some good. in the time you take a break from him, he will be forced to get help.. and if he doesn't.. once again you can make an honest evaluation on what you need to do or what you are willing to do next.

i'm not here to tell you what to do.. i just hope that you find the strength inside of yourself to do what is best for you.

 

good luck, and keep me posted.

 

love,

sweet

[igotthe411]

yo,

 

i think you all have the WRONG idea when it comes to porn. there is one legitimate reason that porn should not be viewed in the house: the kids might see it. i'm not a hedonist. in fact, i'm a catholic (which some of ya'll might think is worse). I have strong morals. But social and medical science is not on your side on this issue. But porn is not intrinsically evil and it does not mean that the husband does not love his wife. God forbid, romance novels are little more than erotic porn for women so that they can fantasize. The porn might bother Mitch's wife for several reasons, but I am not psychologist. Frequently, it has to do with insecurities on the woman's part. "Stop looking at porn" is similar to the wife's order of "stop masturbating." Why? They don't cover the same areas! Porn and masturbation don't make up for loving and hopefully awesome sex with your spouse. Usually, porn does not make it so that a man doesn't want to have sex with wife and it also doesn't make it so that the man REALLY wants to have sex with other women. It's a fantasy, and it's not reality.

 

Lots of evidence proves that women have sex fantasies about other people than their spouses or long term partners (Hicks, T.V. & Leitenburg, H.L. (2001). Sexual Fantasies About One's Partner Versus Someone Else: Gender Differences in Incidence and Frequency [statistical date included]. JOURNAL OF SEXUAL RESEARCH, April, available at http://www.findarticles.com/cf_dls/m2372/1_38/75820037/p1/article.jhtml?term=). Men, say Hicks and Leitenburg have more fantasies about non-partners or multiple partners than women, but women still have those fantasies in signicant numbers. However, women are MUCH more likely to have fantasies about EX-PARTNERS! Women just don't TELL their men. And, you women out there who say "I only fantasize about you, honey" are just lying. A nice, pleasant lie, but a lie nonetheless.

 

I'm sure there are lots of people who think, "you're wrong, porn is evil and immoral and no amount of research or science can change that." If these are the same people who suggest you and Mitch seek professional help, don't listen to them if you believe porn is intrinsically evil and social and medical science is wrong. Because the PROFESSIONALS are SOCIAL SCIENTISTS (psychologists and sociologists) and MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS who look at science for their informations. The professional social scientists and medical scientists who ignore the social amd medical data about porn are not being very professional at all. Go to a clergyman if all you want is the relief of penance. (a catholic priest, preferably, who has the direct power to forgive your sins because God loves Catholics most because we dig the Pope, who as you know is the direct and true descedent of St. Peter, the Rock of the Church. at least the priest will forgive you as long as you are part of the TRUE Faith. <-------- that's a joke. a catholic joke. about me. i'm being facetious. it's making fun of my own religion, so don't get all upset)

 

Now tell me, if you were a judgmental person, what would disturb you more, your partner fantasizing about random and unreal people who s/he never actually wants to meet or him/her fantasizing about your friend in college who s/he used to date? THAT's how men feel. Pornography is normal, not aberrant. Looking at porn doesn't make your husband a bad person. Certainly, there things about the industry itself that should make him think twice about supporting it, but LOOKING when isolated, is not (a) unusual or (b) bad. You should consider the possibility--and I don't think you seriously have--that looking at porn is okay. Your emotional reactions and your inability to give him rational reasons that he should not look at porn suggest that YOUR problems with porn are not rational, but emotional. That's certainly acceptable, but YOUR emotional problems are not HIS emotional problems and expecting him to automatically understand and accept it is totally unreasonable.

 

What YOU want your husband to do is stop fantasizing in public--to pretend like he isn't doing it. He can pretend, but he can't stop it. Not if he tied his hand to the Book of Mormon itself. If that's want you want--a marriage of falsehoods (no honey, I don't fantasize about other women) then that's cool. Me, I like my marriage, the one where I don't have to lie or expect to be lied to.

 

thank you for reading this incredibly long and egotistical message.

[FolderWife]

I don't want my husband looking at other women naked. If he wants to look at clothed women, more power to him, but naked women, nuh uh. That's how I feel. He married ME! So I want the respect of ME being the only naked woman he looks at.

 

I did try to think porn is ok. It didn't work. He just looked more, and made love to me less.

 

My husband may be upset with me over something, and thus turns to porn. He sure as heck won't tell me, so I can't make his anger towards me go away, because he won't tell me what he's angry at!

 

Also, when my husband is looking at porn a lot, he starts critisizing my appearance. I don't look as good as those other women he sees naked.

 

That's not fair

 

He treats me different when he is looking at porn all the time. That's the God's honest truth.

[cinnabar_girl]

I've been reading these posts with great interest. I certainly feel alot of the same feelings as most of the women who are having issues with their husbands watching porn on the computer, going to strib bars etc.

 

My first husband was a porn addict. He spent every day, sometimes 2times a day at the stripclub, lost a job because of it...It was awful. He eventually stopped as we moved to a community that didn't have strip bars...but the damage it did to our marriage and to my self esteem was irrepairable. We divorced after 13 years of marriage and one child.

 

I am now involved with a great guy, I love him more than anyone and I know that he loves me very much. We are planning on getting married this year, live together. When we first moved in together I found porn on a cd in the computer he had downloaded. I was devastated to say the least. I thought here I go again. After all, our sex was great, so why did he need that? Well, he was thoroughly embarassed that I found it, and broke it. Then I found it on the computer.. and have many times since. It's obvious when he's been on porn sites as the history is always clean after 2hours of being on the net...When I have confronted him with it, he basicly says the same s**t that I am seeing here "its normal, its a guy thing...etc" but I really think if the table was reversed, he wouldn't like it.

 

So this week, he's getting up early and "working" on the computer. Two days he forgot to clear the history so I see a search for porn. We haven't had sex all week becaue he is "too tired", but not too tired to invest the time to search that s**T out and jerk off to it while I am right above him wide awake in bed...

 

It hurts, I don't understand when I am ready willing and able always to have sex, any way that he wants...which really hurts. I am trying to make this about me, but I just don't understand.

 

I did talk to him about it last night, and I don't know if he gets where I am coming from at all. All I know is that this hurts and I fear I will begin to build walls as I did in my previous marriage.

 

Help?

[KANSAN]

I don't know how NORMAL looking at porn all of the time is but from the previous posts and others on the LS it seems to be fairly common.

When I was married I did (not all of the time)

I guess I'm thinking that as normal as looking at porn all of the time is it is just as normal to have fantacys or look at other women.

IMHO I think it's ok to look at porn (not all of the time) as long as you're not out there screwing everyone you can.

[seashelly]

This is my first time to this site and also my first time posting anything. I just wanted to say, that I can relate to most of these women. My husband and I were married just a little over 3 months ago. We lived together 3 months prior to that.. so we haven't even been together a full year yet. Our relationship at first was something out of a dream book, he was so romantic, left me notes, flowers.. etc.. We still are very close, and I thought we had a perfectly honest relationship. Best friends in fact. He even wrote the most wonderful vows at our wedding. So, I know that his love is true.

 

My problem is, that I found porno on our computer. He deletes everything, but, it was in the history. He goes to the search engines and looks up specific things.. like young russian models.. average girls... young feet..

I know he has a foot fetish, but, also told me long ago, that he didn't have that until meeting me, and that looking at someone else's feet would just be gross. He also was married for a short time to a girl in the ukraine, where he was going to school for the russian language. So, now I'm worried that he's looking for something other than me. Sex as we once knew it no longer exists.. we made love one time in the past month.. at first, he told me he couldn't get enough of me, and that he would always show me how much he adored me.

 

He still is sweet to me, and calls me his little pet name, but, he stay's up late on the computer after I go to sleep to look at these sites.. I confronted him last week about it, and he said that he was just looking, that he didn't do it very often... but it is a NIGHTLY thing... isn't that OFTEN? He then confessed that he's done it for a long time, but not to that extent. So.. I feel that I can't trust him.. like I said, at first he was so affectionate towards me.. but.. we also didn't have our internet hooked up then.. and then our monitor blew up.. so we were without a computer for a while.... He's not mean to me.. or anything like that.. but, him doing this.. especially us being newlyweds.. just really hurts me.. I told him how I felt, and he admitted that he wouldn't like me to do and that he would feel like me.. that he couldn't trust me.. but since that talk.. he's done it again.

 

I have two kids from a previous marriage.. and tho, I don't have the best body imaginable, I'm not undesirable either. and the fact that he looks up ... average girls.... when there's an average girl .. right there under his nose who would do anything to please him.. I just don't understand..

Please tell me what I should do.. I love him more than life, and I know he feels the same about me, I don't have a problem with him looking at that.. in small amounts mind you.. but, when he doesn't act.. like he WANTS me... even when I make advances at him.. it just really really hurts. I mean, after all, we've only been married a short time, we're still learning lots about each other so, it can't be because he's just board with me.. or used to me.. I just don't get it.. It feels like he's disrespecting me.. and I told him this.. I also told him, that I felt like I was betrayed because for one he hid it.. another, because they are average girls he's looking at.. and he's got an average one right here, and I wouldn't look at stuff like that, cause there's only one man I would want to see that way...

[marie337]

I can relate to your feelings. My husband also prefers pictures of "average" women. I would feel better if he was looking at airbrushed fantasy women. Especially when he has told me in the past that I sometimes don't turn him on because I'm overweight at a hefty 140 pounds. He has even looked at me and said "wow you remind me of that girl on my computer at the concert". I remind him of someone that he finds attractive on the internet? Shouldn't it be the other way around? I"m trying to be supportive of his happiness but it is a very thin line for me to walk.