Husband looking at porn

[FolderWife]

Guys, there's no beating it! I've tried, and he would hide it a million different ways. We got rid of our computer, and he'd buy movies and hide them in the house. I don't want to talk about how mean he is to me when he is hiding porn.

 

But recently, he opened a po box to have it mailed to. I became alert to it, because he was mean to me again. So I found it. He accused me of "snooping"

 

I got FED UP with it, and told him that he could have it. He's been ok to me since then...actually, he's been great to me. But I can't stand him. I do everything that I can not to think about it. I do everything in my power not to picture him in front of his tv yanking off to sluts on dvd every evening before I get home from work.

 

I try SO HARD not to think about it. And not having the ability to check the history on the computer and find it helps me TREMENDOUSLY, because since I have no way of proving it, then I don't have to think about it. I'd be stupid to think he isn't masterbating every freaking day to a porno, but since I don't KNOW that he's doing it..it's easier on me.

 

So maybe let your guy have a cabinet full of pornos, and get rid of the computer. That way, you'd know he has it, but you wouldn't know when he is looking at it, and it wouldn't cut your heart out every time you found another lie.

 

P.S. He still hasn't forked over the key to his po box, so who knows what else he's having delivered there. He said he hasn't checked that mail since December, but I dont' ever trust a word he says about anything. If he can lie and hide porn so well, he could hide a girlfriend, or that he's gay, or that he does drugs, or ANYTHING. There's no use in making myself crazy trying to catch him any more though, because I KNOW he has porn, but I have no evidence of him hiding anything else, so I'm going to do my hardest to accept it and try to move on.

 

But do you realize how much HURT I'm stuck with trying to get over? I can see how he just can't fathom it at all, since he's never had to go through feeling insecure, and being lied to, and beting treated like he's stupid, and being treated like he's not good enough, or having his spouse hide things.

 

It's becoming vicious to our marriage though, because I don't tell him anything any more. I buy myself things, and hide them. He'll tell me to call the bank, and I'll forget, and instead of saying, "I forgot" I'll simply say, "They didn't answer the phone when I called."

 

I've become a LIAR. I've put myself no better than him, to help me not feel as bad about his lies. I'm protecting myself by hiding things from him, and thinking to myself, "He's so stupid, he'll never find out" so that when he does it to me, I'll have done it to him first.

 

There's no beating porn. Especially when the man thinks it's perfectly ok to do something that makes the wife feel like Sh*t.

[FolderWife]

One more thing. We are having financial problems, but every time I'm out, and I get the urge to buy something, I can usually remind myself that we can't afford it.

 

But then I think, "In December, he bought $60 worth of porn, and a po box to ship it too....if he can blow that much money on something that hurts me, f*ck him...I want a new purse..I'm going to get one."

 

Then, when he asks, "When did you get that new purse?" and I say, "Yesterday...but it was only $6 (because it WAS)" he'll say, "Don't be wasting money." and I'll WANT TO SAY, "Like you did on all that porn?"

 

But I TRY NOT TO! If I say that, then I'm reminding him that I don't approve of him, and that makes him want to hide things again, and THAT IS WHY I'M TRYING TO GET OVER HIS PORN ADDICTION.

 

He's been trying to open up to me lately...I can tell. Before, he never talked about his life before me. Just general things, "I was in the army three years, and while in the army I dated a girl for three months, and she had a daughter. Then, after I got out of the army, my dad and I had a fight, so I don't talk to him any more, and I was engaged to a girl, but she cheated on me...bla bla bla" but when I'd ask, "What was the fight with your dad about?" He would say, "It's not important" or "I don't want to talk about it," or, "It's in the past, and I don't want to think about it."

 

Lately, since I'm trying to let him be what he wants to be, he's been spending more time with me, and opening up about his past...we went through his old army yearbook last night, and he pointed out his friends, and where they came from....so he's trying. I guess he always TRIED not to have porn, but he "got the urge"

 

So....if he can try, I can try I guess

[MicheleLee]

I actually did a search for "how to handle anger at husbands porn" on google and this thread came up. I've been married for almost 7 months. My husband and I met online and I moved from the US to Sweden to be with him. Moving my 3 youngest daughters with me, court battles with fathers included. I always describe my husband as a real life Paladin. For those who don't understand that reference, Paladins are champions of justice. Living saints, basically. If I wince, he is there asking what is wrong and how he can help.

 

Before we were married, I knew he looked at porn online. Considering we were 5000 miles apart, I really didn't see an issue with it. And considering he was a virgin before we got together, I understood it, to a degree. Before him, I was definitely NOT a virgin and had some serious sexual hang-ups. Together he and I overcame them. Sex with him is... amazing. I never knew it could be like that. I have also been cheated on so many times it is unreal and have this STRICT sense of faithfulness which I have always had. I also have trust issues. Trust is pretty much the top thing in my book. Nothing will make me more livid than a lie. And once you lie, you prove yourself a liar. Hiding things is lying. Period.

 

... last Friday night, the kids, my husband and I have a school international dinner to go to. I've had to cook something from our country... enough for the kids and families of 6 classes. We don't get home until after 8PM. I'm exhausted. We get the kids to bed. Wait for them to sleep. Fall into bed ourselves. He cuddles and makes overtures, I'm too tired at this point. So he jumps out of bed and wanders off to the living-room.... and never comes back. I get up in the morning to find him in the living-room with all the lights off, even the computer screen turned off as he always does before sleeping. (this just proves that he didn't fall asleep to a movie, but planned to sleep apart from me) I sit down to check my emails. Turn on the monitor, there is a download program open. As it is RIGHT THERE on the screen, OF COURSE I see it. I recognize it as the one he gets his weekly anime from. Under that message is one talking about a Dominatrix porn also having finished downloading. My stomach hits bottom. I close out the window as I always do. He wakes up. I tell him that his downloads have finished and I closed down the program. He is rather cold to me. Says damn little. I wait to see if he will say something. Nothing. I get more and more upset. Still nothing. I get cold and silent. Physically distant. He cuddles to me throughout the day and acts like he has no clue what could be wrong. By Monday, I can stand it no longer, and I check history. LOTS of sites. I know that he has downloaded the porn onto F drive, so I look there. Nothing. So I do a find files. Shows that he moved all porn to hidden files on a different drive under some folder marked Settings and Documents. Then deleted them all after-all. Lots of deleted files. So now we have him looking at porn, ignoring me about it and pretending he cant understand what could possibly upset me, THEN we have him trying to hide it. By now, I'm mad enough to spit nails. Still, I shut up. Internal battle going on about it. I'm trying to decide what to do. Here he did it. Now, had he said 'oh, you were sleepy, so I was in the mood...' I would have been hurt, but still would have been able to talk it through rationally with him. The fact that he went through great lengths to hide it shows me that he KNOWS that he did something wrong. So I'm thinking, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Before he and I were married, I rather enjoyed my porn files. My personal enjoyment came from the fact that they were pics of men that I knew and talked to online a lot. So if he can do HIS ****, I should just go back to MY ****, Right? Ok, well, to me EITHER is cheating, so I have a hard time following through with that. Then last night, he confronts me on why I'm mad. I just state the facts. His response? 'OH, I thought I hid it better than that!' Now HE is acting all mad at me. He is a computer programmer, so I'm sure he knows all the ways to hide what he does, but this time he didn't. I DID do a history search and didn't find porno sites listed on any other days as far back as history goes. Maybe he just forgot to delete them this time? Maybe this IS the first time? Who knows.

 

All I'm sure of right now is that I went against the advice of all my friends and family and packed up my kids and moved 5000 miles to live in a land where I don't even speak the language. At 34 I have to go back to school and learn what is considered the third hardest language in the world, I cant get a job until I know the language. I cant even read the signs to GO ANYWHERE without him. I KNOW I'm going through a serious depression just from this move and trying to settle in here. I feel so alone. All I have are him and my daughters. Now this. All I can think of is "What have I given up everything I've ever known for now? Did I have to move 5000 miles for yet another liar? How long before he's gonna move from the porn to the actual women?" I don't know if I should scream or cry, so instead, I do neither and just sit here and let my insides tear me apart.

 

--Michele

[MicheleLee]

I actually did a search for "how to handle anger at husbands porn" on google and this thread came up. I've been married for almost 7 months. My husband and I met online and I moved from the US to Sweden to be with him. Moving my 3 youngest daughters with me, court battles with fathers included. I always describe my husband as a real life Paladin. For those who dont understand that reference, Paladins are champions of justice. Living saints, basically. If I wince, he is there asking what is wrong and how he can help.

 

Before we were married, I knew he looked at porn online. Considering we were 5000 miles apart, I really didnt see an issue with it. And considering he was a virgin before we got together, I understood it, to a degree. Before him, I was definately NOT a virgin and had some serious sexual hangups. Together he and I overcame them. Sex with him is... amazing. I never knew it could be like that. I have also been cheated on so many times it is unreal and have this STRICT sense of faithfulness which I have always had. I also have trust issues. Trust is pretty much the top thing in my book. Nothing will make me more livid than a lie. And once you lie, you prove yourself a liar. Hiding things is lying. Period.

 

... last friday night, the kids, my husband and I have a school international dinner to go to. I've had to cook something from our country... enough for the kids and families of 6 classes. We dont get home until after 8PM. I'm exhausted. We get the kids to bed. Wait for them to sleep. Fall into bed ourselves. He cuddles and makes overatures, I'm too tired at this point. So he jumps out of bed and wanders off to the livingroom.... and never comes back. I get up in the morning to find him in the livingroom with all the lights off, even the computer screen turned off as he always does before sleeping. (this just proves that he didnt fall asleep to a movie, but planned to sleep apart from me) I sit down to check my emails. Turn on the monitor, there is a download program open. As it is RIGHT THERE on the screen, OF COURSE I see it. I recognize it as the one he gets his weekly anime from. Under that message is one talking about a Dominatrix porn also having finished downloading. My stomach hits bottom. I close out the window as I always do. He wakes up. I tell him that his downloads have finished and I closed down the program. He is rather cold to me. Says damn little. I wait to see if he will say something. Nothing. I get more and more upset. Still nothing. I get cold and silent. Physically distant. He cuddles to me throughout the day and acts like he has no clue what could be wrong. By monday, I can stand it no longer, and I check history. LOTS of sites. I know that he has downloaded the porn onto F drive, so I look there. Nothing. So I do a find files. Shows that he moved all porn to hidden files on a different drive under some folder marked Settings and Documents. Then deleted them all afterall. Lots of deleted files. So now we have him looking at porn, ignoring me about it and pretending he cant understand what could possibly upset me, THEN we have him trying to hide it. By now, I'm mad enough to spit nails. Still, I shut up. Internal battle going on about it. I'm trying to decide what to do. Here he did it. Now, had he said 'oh, you were sleepy, so I was in the mood...' I would have been hurt, but still would have been able to talk it through rationally with him. The fact that he went through great lengths to hide it shows me that he KNOWS that he did something wrong. So I'm thinking, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Before he and I were married, I rather enjoyed my porn files. My personal enjoyment came from the fact that they were pics of men that I knew and talked to online a lot. So if he can do HIS ****, I should just go back to MY ****, Right? Ok, well, to me EITHER is cheating, so I have a hard time following through with that. Then last night, he confronts me on why I'm mad. I just state the facts. His response? 'OH, I thought I hid it better than that!' Now HE is acting all mad at me. He is a computer programmer, so I'm sure he knows all the ways to hide what he does, but this time he didnt. I DID do a history search and didnt find porno sites listed on any other days as far back as history goes. Maybe he just forgot to delete them this time? Maybe this IS the first time? Who knows.

 

All I'm sure of right now is that I went against the advice of all my friends and family and packed up my kids and moved 5000 miles to live in a land where I dont even speak the language. At 34 I have to go back to school and learn what is considered the third hardest language in the world, I cant get a job until I know the language. I cant even read the signs to GO ANYWHERE without him. I KNOW I'm going through a serious depression just from this move and trying to settle in here. I feel so alone. All I have are him and my daughters. Now this. All I can think of is "What have I given up everything I've ever known for now? Did I have to move 5000 miles for yet another liar? How long before he's gonna move from the porn to the actual women?" I dont know if I should scream or cry, so instead, I do neither and just sit here and let my insides tear me apart.

 

--Michele

[MicheleLee]

EEP! Sorry for the doubles there!

 

--Michele

[moimeme]

So you deny the guy sex and then get ticked because he used porn sites to get off when you were too tired?

Lady, you're living in dreamland if you think that was fair or decent.

 

There are lies and there are lies. 'I did not have intercourse with that girl' is a much less horrible lie than 'they have weapons of mass destruction so let's kill them'. 'I did not watch porn' is nothing near 'I was working late' when the 'working late' is really an affair.

 

I think this bizarre tendency that a segment of females have to insist that looking at porn is 'cheating' is a modern-day sickness that psychologists need to get into the DSM. It's as ridiculous as saying that you're cheating because you're reading Wuthering Heights and getting misty over Heathcliff.

 

Men will be horny and they will need to get off and they will use some sort of fantasy to do it. Me, I'd way prefer that a guy look at some pictures of strangers with whom he's not involved than to be fantasizing about the first gf or some real live human in his life (unless it's me of course lol).

 

Next time you find a man you think you want, set him up to have a lie detector test. Ask him if he's ever used porn or ever will. Marry one who passes. But don't hold your breath because it could take you a long, LONG time to find one.

Because if you don't manage to change your thinking about this, your marriage will end.

[Tatertots]

I came upon this site after doing a google search as well, after a huge argument with my husband. For years I went back and forth on the porn issue with my husband, and we finally came to a great compromise. We only look at porn if the other person is not home, or if they are asleep or not in the mood. So basically just as long as it does not replace the other partner or interfere with our sex life in a negative way, it is fine. As long as I am his number one choice. And we are completely open about it. If a person is not in the mood, then the other one will say , "ok, I'll be in the next room then pleasing myself." No biggie. As long as there's open communication, it's really not an issue.

 

At first, when we were dating, I was hurt and felt less attractive because he was looking at porn, but then he explained to me that it had nothing to do with how I looked. I could be Angelina Jolie, or the hottest woman in the world, and he would still want to look at porn sometimes. So that took away some of my insecurities. I really don't see anything wrong with porn in general. It can be a great marital aid, and I know I have quite a bit of porn myself.

 

And now on to the problem. There is one issue that I'm really having a hard time with. I'm pretty open to almost whatever porn he likes to look at, but he really likes downloading sites that depict women being whipped, tortured, and degraded, to the point where their bleeding and crying. Now, I've seen these images and found them disturbing. I'm not sure if this is a serious fetish or not, because he is able to look at other types of porn and be sexually satisfied, and does not absolutely need to look at the violent websites to become aroused. However, he has an undeniable draw to them. He says he absolutely cannot stop himself from wanting to look at these sites, even with all of the other open options that I have provided him. And since he knows I'm uncomfortable with them, he tried to hide a subscription to one of these sites by putting it on a new credit card he opened. But that's a whole 'nother issue, regarding him lying to me and being deceitful, which he never does unless it has to do with porn.

 

To get back on topic, is it me with the problem of not being open enough to just let him look at these images? Because in my gut these really are disturbing to look at. Even though I know he would never do these things to me, just that he gets off on the idea of so much pain and degradation of other women makes me uncomfortable, well that and the fact that he admits that he cannot stop looking at them.

Which brings up the question of should I draw a limit here regarding this type of porn? I mean, I'd hate to be censoring what type of porn he can look at, but aren't some types of porn like this just wrong(i.e. kiddie porn, which he does NOT look at, but just trying to illustrate another example) or not healthy to be looking at?

 

I apologize in advance if this is kind of on a tangent from the original post.

 

Thanks.

[MicheleLee]

moimeme completely misread my post. My issue was the hiding, not the action. I stated that had he just told me, it wouldnt have been this issue. I understand that you say you were tired when you read it, so I'm just discounting the attitude there. Quote from my original post "Now, had he said 'oh, you were sleepy, so I was in the mood...' I would have been hurt, but still would have been able to talk it through rationally with him."

 

Tatertots...

I think that every persons tolerances are different. If the content of his recent interest has upset you, then you do have the right to let him know this. Thus far, it seems, you two have been able to work it through for the most part. Just maybe you can remind him of the fact that you have handled it on a mutual respect basis thus far and would like it to continue?

 

My husband and I talked it through and he understands that I may not LIKE the porn, but I wouldnt tell him NO to it. He also understands that my anger is from the broken promise to never lie and he agrees that he crossed that line. We are working it through.

 

--Michele

[uberfrau]

Tatertots:

 

Call the police. Your husband may be downloading illegal snuff films.

 

Your husband's fantasies have taken a dangerous turn. He gets off on violence against women? Nice.

 

If your husband was looking CHILDREN being whipped and tortured, how would you feel about THAT? Would you let your KIDS around someone like that? Just because it's women doesn't make it 'okay'.

 

Before long, he'll be asking you to do those things you see in his snuff films.

 

His fantasies have crossed into the danger zone. He's sick, and you need to leave. Especially if you have kids. If you have kids, do you want THEM seeing this garbage?

 

If anyone on here tells you his behavior is 'normal' then they need thier heads examined.

[moimeme]

men that I knew and talked to online a lot. So if he can do HIS ****, I should just go back to MY ****, Right? Ok, well, to me EITHER is cheating, so

 

You're mad at him for not 'fessing up. You don't say you asked him directly. So not only are you mad at him for not telling, but you're mad at him for, even though you have said you think looking at porn is cheating, trying to not upset you by not letting you know.

 

He didn't lie. Your choosing to interpret him not telling you everything as lying is your perception, but it would not normally be considered a lie. Have a discussion about porn. Don't expect him to understand you're ok with it if you're not in the mood unless you tell him so. He can't read your mind.

 

Tatertots :

 

I just read an article today that said this sort of addiction is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. There is definitely a line to be drawn in sexual fantasies - as he gets himself off to violent porn, he patterns himself to be turned on by it. This is not a good thing. I think he needs professional help.

 

It's nuts, IMHO, to assume he's downloading snuff films and call the police. Let's not make huge ridiculous assumptions here. Just tell him that him saying he can't stop himself is a bad sign and that he needs to go get that checked.

[uberfrau]

The police can tell her if they are illegal or not.

 

Tater has a right to know what her husband is looking at, and whether he is engaged in illegal behavior.

 

Much of this violent porn is illegal-it's not the ridiculous assumption moi makes it out to be.

[moimeme]

Calling the police on your husband in this instance is ridiculous. Let the shrink deal with it.

[Tatertots]

Thanks for the replies, I always like to get a bigger picture and hearing different sides before making any decision.

 

uberfrau- wow, talk about jumping the gun on this one. I've seen the sites, and there are all sorts of disclaimers clearly stating that all participants are over 18 and consenting. That's really not my concern here, or why I posted. He also downloads free music files too, but I'm not going to turn him in for copyright infringement.

 

I don't have children. We've been together 9 years. I highly doubt he will start asking me to so the things in the videos, because he hasn't as of yet. Besides, I've asked him if he ever would, and he said no, because he knows I'm not into that stuff, plus it's more of the fantasy aspect, not something he would necessarily want to do in real life.

 

 

I just read an article today that said this sort of addiction is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. There is definitely a line to be drawn in sexual fantasies - as he gets himself off to violent porn, he patterns himself to be turned on by it. This is not a good thing. I think he needs professional help.

 

I could see how that would be true. But at the same time, couldn't that same remark be said about all porn, because guys can't stop looking at it even if they try? But all guys don't need professional help for not being able to help looking at porn, right?

 

I guess I'm still on the fence, I mean, what he does is in the privacy of the computer room, and what I do in the privacy of my room, is really personal. I wouldn't want him telling me to not to think/look at certain things when I masturbate.

 

When I ask him to get professional help, he refuses because he does not trust psychologists and doesn't want to tell a stranger about our problems. He is willing, though to read, research, and get self-help for himself, or with me through other means, as long as it does not involve anybody else.

 

Looks like I'm either going to have to give him an ultimatum to get professional help, or let what goes on during his privacy time, remain private. I asked him if he wants to stop and he told me "I'm not gonna lie to you, if you were ok with it, I would want to continue looking at this. But if you have a problem with it, then it becomes my problem too."

This last incidence really ticked me off though because he's always trying to save money and getting on me if I spend too much, yet on an impulse buy, had no problem buying a subscription to this stuff for $50. Talk about double standards, and lack of control. I told him that I would get back to him later with my decision.

[RecordProducer]

Tatertots, I absolutely understand your discomfort. If I were you, I would try and find some articles/books about this matter and search for some psychiatric help for him. Your problem has nothing to do with the text that follows.

 

Moimeme, I am impressed by everything you said. I think what bothers women is that the porn actresses are sexy and good looking. They make every male's wish come true. They don't say "not tonight, I have a headache." They don't complain and nag. If only they were real!

 

For all those frustrated wives, they are real. The porn actresses are the Statues of the Ideal Woman they will never achieve. And while men think they are not real and wouldn't mind if their wives watched porn, women want to cut into pieces the very core of the man's nature and forbid them to masturbate. "I must be the only woman he looks at!" - she cries.

 

In some Arabic countries women are treated like sh*t. The rage of the men goes that far, that they are allowed to execute their wives if they catch them cheating. This is where all this anti-porn mania is going. But in this case it's the other way round.

 

Their need to watch porn is obviously something they can't give up. They obviously see it as something innocent. And while it might be a consequence of lack of love for their wives, it doesn't cause the lack of love nor would giving up porn cure it.

 

"It's not the porn, it's that he hid it from me!" - she whines. Suppose he quits watching porn, will you be happy? No. Because you will know that he wants to watch it. Why don't you hypnotize them and find out if they have ever fantasized about that beautiful girl who sells burgers at the cafeteria where they go every day for lunch. He probably did here and there. Let's request from the government that no beautiful women will serve food and drinks any longer in public places.

Furthermore, all women who have tits bigger than C should be locked up in their homes and receive pension from the government as their defectiveness makes other men incapable of working, loving their wives, and thus raising their children. Bonus money should be given to blondes (the law will punish those who dye their hair for aesthetic motives).

 

Ladies, you're the prosecutors, judges, and jury of your husbands.

"How long does it take to get to real cheating?" - she asks.

Imagine if some day men decided that wearing skirts and putting make-up and dying your hair was same as cheating. For god sake, men in the street look at you and your co-workers desire you. It jeopardizes their position as husbands, since every time they disappoint you, you can remember your sweet co-worker who said to you "Linda, you look so cute today! Your husband is a lucky guy!" How long will it take from that point to the point of sleeping with your co-worker?

You want a man who doesn't watch porn? The world is full of blind people. You might as well be very happy with them.

[fyrwyfe]

Their need to watch porn is obviously something they can't give up.

 

Can't give up or won't give up? If they can't then they've got a problem & should see a counselor; if they won't then the wife has a problem, that being her husband.

 

They obviously see it as something innocent.

 

Innocent? Exactly what is innocent about a husband disregarding or downplaying his wife's feelings over & over? And if the tables were reversed, how would the husband like his feelings completely disregarded day after day, hmmm? Wouldn't go over too well I'm sure.

 

Porn is not healthy in a marriage unless it works for both husband AND wife. I don't think all the ladies here have a problem with their men masturbating, it's what they are masturbating to.

[moimeme]

Ladies, you're the prosecutors, judges, and jury of your husbands.

 

I agree.

 

For all those frustrated wives, they are real. The porn actresses are the Statues of the Ideal Woman they will never achieve.

 

And the sad thing is that nobody trusts their men to love them. What a sick, sad world it's become.

 

"I must be the only woman he looks at!" - she cries.

 

Which is, of course, a) impossible and b) delusional

 

And while it might be a consequence of lack of love for their wives, it doesn't cause the lack of love nor would giving up porn cure it.

 

Exactly. Precisely.

 

Why don't you hypnotize them and find out if they have ever fantasized about that beautiful girl who sells burgers at the cafeteria where they go every day for lunch. He probably did here and there.

 

LOL

 

Let's request from the government that no beautiful women will serve food and drinks any longer in public places.

 

Absolutely! Write your Congressman today!!! Film stars must be banned. There shall be no music videos. Models will all be sent to jail. Off with their heads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Furthermore, all women who have tits bigger than C should be locked up in their homes and receive pension from the government as their defectiveness makes other men incapable of working, loving their wives, and thus raising their children. Bonus money should be given to blondes (the law will punish those who dye their hair for aesthetic motives).

 

Too mild. No. Executions. Gas chambers. It's the only way.

 

[RecordProducer]

Fyrwyfe, is eating something you can't give up or won't give up? Cuz if you can't then you have a problem and need help.

You and many other women here don't understand that watching porn for men is as innocent as watching soccer and as pleasant as much as masturbation can be. But above all, it's some basic need of theirs that you don't understand. You can't understand or you won't understand? I think both. You just want to bring some law in a form of a moral value that will make porn lovers guilty. Who are you to say what's right to do? Who is he hurting by watching porn? You! Oh, you! And you are more important than him and what pleases you matters, but what pleases him doesn't, right? He is jeopardizing your marriage, you think. No, you're jeopardizing it by bitching about his basic need.

Anyway... how long does it take from the point where he fantasizes about the waitress to the point where he asks her for her phone number?

Moimeme, I bet wives will start paying more attention to whether the waitresses are sexy when choosing a restaurant.

[fyrwyfe]

is eating something you can't give up or won't give up? Cuz if you can't then you have a problem and need help.

 

Are you kidding? You see no difference between eating & looking at porn? Let's see, one is necessary to live, and the other, curiously enough, is NOT. One doesn't offend and erode relationships, and the other DOES. Interesting isn't it?

 

You and many other women here don't understand that watching porn for men is as innocent as watching soccer and as pleasant as much as masturbation can be.

 

Oh I do understand that some men consider it to be innocent, but that doesn't mean that it IS innocent. And if it's so innocent, then why do they hide it? If I was doing something that I felt was innocent, I wouldn't hide it and lie about it.

 

Who is he hurting by watching porn? You!

 

Yes, he is hurting me, and moreover, he is hurting us. He can masturbate all day if he wants, as long as he saves some for me too, just not to online porn. I too could masturbate and have a great orgasm while looking at hard-ons, but guess what? My husband said he wouldn't like it if I was gettin' off looking at someone else... hmmm. Imagine that.

 

He is jeopardizing your marriage, you think. No, you're jeopardizing it by bitching about his basic need.

 

Now this one's good. His basic need? Meaning masturbating, or is it online porn you're referring to? Seems to me this need had been around since the beginning of time, oddly enough, porn has not. Whatever did men do about their 'basic need' back then? I guess they just masturbated without the help of a computer screen. And they survived.

 

Moimeme, I bet wives will start paying more attention to whether the waitresses are sexy when choosing a restaurant.

 

Yeah, you're really gettin' it...

[moimeme]

Are you kidding? You see no difference between eating & looking at porn? Let's see, one is necessary to live, and the other, curiously enough, is NOT. One doesn't offend and erode relationships, and the other DOES. Interesting isn't it?

 

Well, actually, the other doesn't 'offend and erode relationships' at all. It's some people's reactions to it that do that. And sex is a basic need.

 

Oh I do understand that some men consider it to be innocent, but that doesn't mean that it IS innocent.

 

Because you say so? You got named ruler of the world or something?

 

And if it's so innocent, then why do they hide it?

 

Because they'll get their heads handed to them on a plate for daring to look at it. And they want their heads (both) to remain where they belong.

 

If I was doing something that I felt was innocent, I wouldn't hide it and lie about it.

 

Oh yes you would if someone took an unreasonable hate to you doing it and gave you living hell every time you did it.

My husband said he wouldn't like it if I was gettin' off looking at someone else... hmmm. Imagine that.

 

Well then he's being unreasonable and unfair. Double standards are not even slightly fair.

 

Whatever did men do about their 'basic need' back then? I guess they just masturbated without the help of a computer screen. And they survived.

 

Oh I know, I know!!! They masturbated to memories of other people they've been with or would like to be with. Real live people they know. On balance, I'd far prefer them to stick to strangers.

[fyrwyfe]

Well, actually, the other doesn't 'offend and erode relationships' at all. It's some people's reactions to it that do that. And sex is a basic need.

 

We aren't talking sex - we are talking porn and masturbation. Obviously sex is a basic need. Isn't sex what the husband has with his wife, or are you sticking masturbation in that category? Cause if you read the posts on LS that have to do with husbands & porn, you'll find that many wives out there are being neglected in the sex department, only to find that their husband instead spent his time with his porn. And she should say nothing about her dwindling sex life due to his love of porn?

 

Because you say so? You got named ruler of the world or something?

 

Because a man THINKS porn is innocent, does that mean it IS innocent? Definition of innocent: having no adverse effect; harmless. Hmmm. Innocent isn't really fitting into this picture...

 

As for harmless... just think about all the under-aged girls out there that are being exploited by people who are funded by the husbands in question...

 

 

Oh I know, I know!!! They masturbated to memories of other people they've been with or would like to be with. Real live people they know. On balance, I'd far prefer them to stick to strangers.

 

And that is your choice, your preference. However that's not the mainstream mindset for most of the women in this situation...

[moimeme]

you'll find that many wives out there are being neglected in the sex department, only to find that their husband instead spent his time with his porn. And she should say nothing about her dwindling sex life due to his love of porn?

 

I would propose to you that it is not the porn that is the problem but rather the scapegoat. There are people who do become addicted to porn, but as with alcohol and other addictions, they are not the majority of users.

 

Men can turn off sex because the relationship is bad every much as women can. And then they'll turn to porn for release. You are never going to convince me that all these marriages are heaven except for the men's porn use. I'm not a betting person, but if I were, I'd bet you my year's wages that in the majority of cases, the relationship is doing poorly anyway. It's real easy for the women to blame the porn use rather than examine the entire relationship as a whole and find out what's wrong.

 

And that is your choice, your preference. However that's not the mainstream mindset for most of the women in this situation...

 

So you are telling me that you would rather your husband masturbate to his own memories of his first or other sex partners? That's your preference? Or do you (can you) honestly believe that men won't fantasize at all if porn's not around? No, I'm thinking that it's just that if you can't actually see what your husband fantasizes about, you can pretend he doesn't. So really you just want to live in denial - and your husband, in trying to hide the porn, is trying to help you do just that.

[fyrwyfe]

I'm not a betting person, but if I were, I'd bet you my year's wages that in the majority of cases, the relationship is doing poorly anyway.

 

Certainly some of the relationships are having problems, but how do you know porn didn't start some of those problems? What about the relationships that aren't having problems? So you think if they examine their relationship and fix any problems that the porn issue will go away? Doubtful...

 

So you are telling me that you would rather your husband masturbate to his own memories of his first or other sex partners? That's your preference? Or do you (can you) honestly believe that men won't fantasize at all if porn's not around? No, I'm thinking that it's just that if you can't actually see what your husband fantasizes about, you can pretend he doesn't. So really you just want to live in denial

 

Under these circumstances I'm sure in most husbands heads there is plenty of jack-off material to sustain them from all the online porn, magazinesand/or videos they've already seen and continue to see (at home is not the only place they ever see this stuff). I don't have a problem with my husband fantasizing to what's in his head, and honestly I don't know how any of us would know for sure what they think about when they jack-off. Apparently you're concerned it's about ex's - I'm not. I think most of us who are having these issues would agree that they'd much rather their husbands jack-off to their imagination rather that their porn.

[moimeme]

I think most of us who are having these issues would agree that they'd much rather their husbands jack-off to their imagination rather that their porn.

 

OK, I can't even begin to get that. If they're jacking off to memories of past lovers, you prefer that?

[fyrwyfe]

OK, I can't even begin to get that. If they're jacking off to memories of past lovers, you prefer that?

 

What makes you so sure they are jacking off to past lovers? I think this is your assumption because I cannot imagine any man admitting that. I'm not concerned about it because I don't think this is what he's jacking off to. There's more to that imagination than ex-girlfriends, and those are some pretty distant memories anyway...

[moimeme]

it because I don't think this is what he's jacking off to.

 

Ah, the sweet, sweet life of denial.