fyrwyfe Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 Ah, the sweet, sweet life of denial. I'm not in denial, I just don't think he is and don't really care anyway. He's not with his ex's anymore, and I can't take those memories away from him. You think if your man's past sexual relationship were something he'd think about while jacking-off, that he never will again simply because he has porn to jack-off to now? That's denial. If it's jack-off material then it's he's gonna use it. I know how good I am because he tells me all the time how he loves my body. On occasion he will even tell me he recently masturbated and will ask me if I want to know what he was thinking about. Let me tell you, it wasn't about a faded memory about his ex but rather a very recent sexual experience with me... What's in his head doesn't bother me, porn does. You don't agree, that's okay.
FolderWife Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 And now on to the problem. There is one issue that I'm really having a hard time with. I'm pretty open to almost whatever porn he likes to look at, but he really likes downloading sites that depict women being whipped, tortured, and degraded, to the point where their bleeding and crying. Ugh! Give them and Inch, and they want a MILE!!! This is what irks me...she's just fine with porn. He can watch it all he wants. So what does he do? he PUSHES IT! Ok, his wife isn't hurt by him watching porn, so lets push it to something that WILL hurt her. So if she accepts his psycho porn, next, he'll be wanting orgies! If she lets him do that, then he'll be wanting to have an affair. PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH I told my husband that I was sick of the same argument...porn. So I let him have his dirty movies. And I rested easy that we didn't have the internet, because he would look at it every day. I could live with it, if I didn't KNOW FOR A FACT that he watched it every day...I can pretend that he's watching his movies once a week. But he can't have that. If this doesn't hurt me, let's find something that DOES, and then he can act like there's something wrong with me for being hurt. Now, a month later, what does he do? We were on our way home, and he said, "Maybe after we pay the car off (six months) we can get another computer Stupid Mother ******* JERK! God forbid he be happy with what I've forced myself to ACCEPT! HE HAS TO HAVE MORE!!!!
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 Yeah these guys are just pushing the envelope. Give an inch they take a foot. Nothing is ever good enough!! It burns my ass sitting here reading these posts about your husbands! WTF is their problem??? Monday, you're drop dead gorgeous! WHY the F is your husband looking at PORN! I really commend you for sticking with him. This kills me just reading it...I know it's easier said than done, and even more so as my husband doesn't do the porn thing - But I can honestly say I don't know if I could put up with it. The moods, the competition and knowing he is so into it. There is more to life than sex and beating off - Seems these men are obessed by it and let it run their lives! I'm sorry, I woke up with my period today and I'm abit ranty today. I wish you all well and I wish they would STOP the porn!!!!!! Just say NO.
FolderWife Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 Thank you whichwayisup. The porn actresses are the Statues of the Ideal Woman they will never achieve I am fully aware of this, and it pisses me off even more See, I am getting SO FLIPPING TIRED of having to give a blow job every time I want to enjoy sex with my husband. Ok, listen to this crap. I wasn't in the mood this weekend...but I don't turn my husband down for sex EVER. Sometimes, however, I'm not in the mood for him to put my hand on his Willy, and expect me to take it from there He ALWAYS expects me to do all the work, while he lays there and enjoys it. I'm starting to feel like if he wants it, then HE should work for it. lazy a$S So yesterday, we were napping. He'd been acting horny for three days, but forgive me for not feeling like giving a blow job. So we woke up, and he fondled me for thirty seconds, then did me in the spooning position. I got really wet...like I always do. Well, he slipped out, barely hard, which is a symptom of masterbating, he can't keep a hard on without constant stimulation. I dried us off, and he rolled onto his back and just laid there. Lazy husband laid on his back with his hands above his head....too lazy to pleasure me any more...but hey, he put in his minute and a half. So instead of giving him a blow job like I ALWAYS DO whenever my soggy puss is to wet to please his royal highness, I just laid there too. So after ten minutes of us both just laying there, he got up and went to the living room. So, I got up and started doing house work. Later, he said that I was lazy, because after we had sex for a minute, I went to sleep! What the f*ck ever! So yes, if I was getting paid $5000 a sex scene, then yeah, I'd hop on top of his penis, and grind him, and blow him, and lick him, and let him do me up the butt all he wanted. But I'm not...I'm not getting anything for my effort. So excuse me for not wanting to act like his fantasy porn star. I don't care if he watches a dirty DVD. I'm so sick of giving blowjobs every other day, that I'm GLAD that he's watching porn!
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 That's just horrible! Why can't he please you? Why can't you lay back and he go down on you? Don't give him anymore head. F*ck it. I'm boiling here. I wanna YELL at him for you!!!!!!!!!!!! I just hope he realizes that one day you're gonna say 'when' cuz it will be enough, and you'll be out the door making a new life and finding someone who will give you the love you deserve. Is he worth all this? Take away the sex stuff - IS the rest of him worth it? Does he have any interest in you and what you have to say in general? I am not sure what the rest of your relationship with him is like. Or I've forgotten! LOL!... I'm glad you are able to get this stuff out. Just know you are a good person, there is NOTHING wrong with you. It is ALL him and his little messed up fantasy life and porn - His issues - That have nothing to do with you. I really hope that this doesn't affect your self esteem too much. DO you talk to someone about it? Therapy? And you're welcome - Anytime! I mean that. Feel free to PM me too.
RecordProducer Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 Okay, girls...I got the picture. If your husbands watch porn and don't make love with you then you're dealing with a problem that has nothing to do with porn movies, but with your marriage overall. Monday says since she made sure her husbands stopped watching porn so much, he started having sex with her more regularly. It's just because he had excessive quantities of sperm so he had to masturbate with someone's help. Monday is not happy with him overall and even when he took nude pics of her, she doubted that it was for his own pleasure, she thought he might have been showing them to someone. Anyway, I don't think he would show his wife's nude pics to anyone, unless he's really sick. If you have problems in your marriages then try to deal with them and accept the porn as a consequence that needs to go away once the real problems are solved. It's not a symptom that has to be treated. SO WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT IN REALITY? 1. Love vanishes and some marriages are crappy. If the A*hole wants to look at porn all day, let him! Find yourself a better sex-partner (in or out of the marriage). 2. Try and bring some spark to the sex life, something new. Men don't care if you cook dinner and light candles and go for a romantic walk. They want excitement. The dirtier the better. Buy some sexy underwear, tell him about your hidden fantasies, talk dirty to him, fantasize together about doing a threesome with another woman (this last one will make him real hot)...treat him like an animal cuz that's how you see him right now, although you want him to be a highly developed cerebral creature like yourself. But he is not! Once you bring the "dirt" to your sex life, he will MAKE LOVE to you again. For some obscure reason, men divide women into two groups: type A I wanna f*ck and type B I wanna love. For us it's all the same thing; the more we love someone the more horny we are for him. But that's not the case them. They have this "either a whore or a saint" classification of women. So stop being a saint (the mother figure) that prohibits dirty sex. Be the dirty whore that will watch porn together with him and overall is dirty like hell and stimulates his wild sexual nature. Soon enough he will forget about the porn. If not, you forget about him. Sex is very important for happiness and if he is such an idiot to waste his time on pics on his monitor then let him! You go find yourself some real fun. If you try to re-animate your sexual butterflies, be patient, don't except the miracle to happen over night. Finally, I must admit I am only saying this from my perspective, I don't have any experience with it in the past. I am 30 years old, have one divorced marriage behind me and one long relationship before that. My ex-husband was masturbating on erotic magazines when I was pregnant, but only if I would refuse to have sex with him. I didn't have a problem with it nor was I jealous that he was watching another woman's naked body. Otherwise I am extremely jealous. So I don't really know how it is to have a 24/7 jerk-ball at home. Sorry for your pain anyway. I feel for you, ladies. You only have one life, use it the best you can!
motz Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 I think we all need some privacy - and from what you say you are lucky enough to have have a wonderful life together- so why not leave things as they are- do you share every single thought with him?
Tatertots Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by Monday Ugh! Give them and Inch, and they want a MILE!!! Exactly! Like when I used to be fine with him going to strip clubs. We would go together all the time, and he loved it. The only stipulation I had was that I be there when he went, or that he at least told me if he was going to go to one with the guys without me. So what does he do? Starts sneaking away with his buddies to go by themselves, and then flat out lying to me about where he was. How did I find out? At a Christmas party of all places, on that I had only gone to because he wanted to go, not me, and everyone else in the room knew about his going, but me. So I find out by a another wife mentioning it in front of everyone, and the room fills with whisper's like "uh oh, she found out!" I felt like such a dumbass. I just don't get why he does crap like that. Always feeling like he has to hide things he doesn't need to hide. The lies are so much worse than anything he could do. This fantasy of his with the bondage stuff started when he was very young, around 13, and he doesn't know what caused it. No traumatic childhood experiences, he grew up in a very religious household and wasn't exposed to a lot until he was older. So it's not a matter of him progressing from more mainstream porn to more extreme. And whether or not he actually looks at it, I know the fantasies will always be in his head. I know people in real life who practice this sort of stuff, consentually, and I have no problem with them, so I don't know why it bothers me so much to know that he's just looking at it. Monday- That sucks about the sex. You should only please him after he's pleased you.
illumina Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Monday- That sucks about the sex. You should only please him after he's pleased you. I actually don't agree with this. It would be nice if it could be a mutual pleasure. But neither partner should get the pleasure first ALL OF THE TIME. I'm fairly lucky in that when my partner and I _do_ have sex, he will always make sure I come, if he can't make it happen through penetration, then he'll do it orally. My problem is that he rarely wants to have sex with me. I've found lots of porn - he's obviously perfectly happy to masturbate to that, but can't be bothered to make the effort to have sex with his partner, who supposedly he loves more than anything else in the world. He's aware how much I dislike it, so he hides it from me. In fact, he hides anything I might even vaguely dislike. And it's that dishonesty that hurts me most. That and the fact that he's told me right from the very beginning of our relationship that he doesn't like big breasts (I'm smallish) and yet most of his dirty pictures depict women with, yes, you guessed it, large breasts. I feel like I can't believe a word he says anymore, and I can't feel that I love him anymore.
FolderWife Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 he will always make sure I come, if he can't make it happen through penetration, then he'll do it orally. My problem is that he rarely wants to have sex with me. Well this is EXACTLY why I don't want to have sex with my husband lately. He's gotten so spoiled, that if I can't get him off through penetration, he wants it orally. I get so sick of going down on him all the time...I get this resentment like "Why did I have to marry the one guy on the planet who doesn't know the definition of 'quickie'" Maybe your man is tired of all the WORK that goes into getting off with you. I masterbated a couple of times last week, because I was horny. I didn't feel like having to give a flipping blow job, so I didn't go to my husband...who's been acting horny for a week.
Bubbles Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Atta girl Monday........! If you can't be 'em? join em'! That's what I say. Sorry to say this hon but your husband is lazy! Do you do everything for him? or better question.....does he EXPECT you to do everything for him? My ex was lazy too. Everytime we had sex? Either I was blowing him or on top.........was a lousy screw he was!!! and he always fantasized about the three-some idea too......ick.......it just makes me sick to even think about it. You know something else that I did'nt realize until waaaay after we broke up? He NEVER once had an orgasm while he was penetrating me. He could only achieve orgasn through HIS OWN manual stimulation. What a LOOSER bubbles
RecordProducer Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 LOL...Bubbles, I agree! Some men are just horrible in bed and losers overall. You can't live with them, but you can't kill them all. I've had worse: guys who can't get it up, a guy whose penis would become soft after 5 min of sex, a guy who finished quickly, avoided to lick me, and the foreplay (except for the BJ) consisted of checking my vagina for a second before entering it. He simply didn't care what I wanted in bed. I dumped him later...well that was like 8 years ago.
Foolish Fiance Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 I hope this lands in the right place. I did a search on the net for "fiance" "porn" and "pain" and this is where it took me. I'm supposed to be getting married in a little over a month, buying a house with the man I love, and felt like I'd finally found that relationship I could be comfortable and trust my instincts in. In bed, out of bed, I was really opening up. Lights on even. Early on I found his porn collection on his computer by accident. I'm a bad websurfer, I usually just go from the history to spots I was the day before. So I see that he seems to like looking at naked women. I guess this shouldn't be a big shocker, right? guys like naked women - but it hurt my feelings to see that the guy who is supposed to love only me, and said that I was the only woman he wanted to see naked ever again - lied. I told him it made me uncomfortable, and made me wonder what about them he liked - if they had better bodies than me or turned him on more or what - and he promised to not look at that again if it hurt me. I was relieved, and as far as I know he'd kept that promise. Until today. I have my own little message board & I clicked history to get into it and poof - porn girls. Lots of them. On my comptuer. in my bedroom. where we sleep together. On the same computer we purchased the tickets to fly to our wedding and honeymoon on. I feel like the world's biggest sucker that I believed him. Now I question everything. Has he been looking at this all along? Is he just a really good liar? Is that why his thingie didn't work right earlier today? And how dirty do I feel for being seconds to some internet slut that my fiance clearly seems to enjoy more than me? I'm crying so hard right now. I've been divorced already. I don't want to do this again. If my feeilngs are so irrelevant where sexuality and trust is concerned - what the hell am I doing in this relationship?
illumina Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 Originally posted by Monday Maybe your man is tired of all the WORK that goes into getting off with you. He has actually told me he preferrs going down on me to actually having full penetrative sex.
Bubbles Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 You know? I feel sorry for a lot of guys out there. Obviously everything they learned about sex & relationships was off of a porno! They think somehow that all of us women are super sluts who enjoy doing all the work........well lemme tell ya! If I was getting paid $5,000.00 to screw a guy I would'nt MIND doing the work! No Problem! but..........otherwise....forget that! It's 50/50 all the way or else?.........don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out! Porno Lovin' Pervert! Go satisfy sister right hand. bubbles
FolderWife Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 Originally posted by Foolish Fiance I hope this lands in the right place. I did a search on the net for "fiance" "porn" and "pain" and this is where it took me. I'm supposed to be getting married in a little over a month, buying a house with the man I love, and felt like I'd finally found that relationship I could be comfortable and trust my instincts in. In bed, out of bed, I was really opening up. Lights on even. Early on I found his porn collection on his computer by accident. I'm a bad websurfer, I usually just go from the history to spots I was the day before. So I see that he seems to like looking at naked women. I guess this shouldn't be a big shocker, right? guys like naked women - but it hurt my feelings to see that the guy who is supposed to love only me, and said that I was the only woman he wanted to see naked ever again - lied. I told him it made me uncomfortable, and made me wonder what about them he liked - if they had better bodies than me or turned him on more or what - and he promised to not look at that again if it hurt me. I was relieved, and as far as I know he'd kept that promise. Until today. I have my own little message board & I clicked history to get into it and poof - porn girls. Lots of them. On my comptuer. in my bedroom. where we sleep together. On the same computer we purchased the tickets to fly to our wedding and honeymoon on. I feel like the world's biggest sucker that I believed him. Now I question everything. Has he been looking at this all along? Is he just a really good liar? Is that why his thingie didn't work right earlier today? And how dirty do I feel for being seconds to some internet slut that my fiance clearly seems to enjoy more than me? I'm crying so hard right now. I've been divorced already. I don't want to do this again. If my feeilngs are so irrelevant where sexuality and trust is concerned - what the hell am I doing in this relationship? OH no I know you love him, but DO NOT MARRY HIM!!! IT ONLY GETS WORSE!!! It's so annoying, because they really MEAN that they aren't going to look again, but "they can't help it." If my husband ever cheats on me, and promises to never do it again, I'm out the door...because he's promised to NEVER LOOK AT PORN AGAIN SO MANY TIMES I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER ANY MORE!!! So now you know that your fiance is a liar. You've already been divorced once. If I ever get divorced, I'm going to THOROUGHLY get to know a guy before I make the mistake of marrying them again. He's hurting you like this already. He already has no regard for you what so ever. Hey, as long as he's getting what HE wants, to hell with you and your needs. Even though I'm not strong enough to get divorced, I urge you to put off the wedding. PLEASE put off the wedding.
Bubbles Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 FoolishFiance, First I want to tell you that I have been in your situation and I know how bad you feel right now....... MY heart is broke for you. Let me tell you something that I have learned......THE HARD WAY. If your man made a promise to you and has ALREADY broken it? THAT is exactly what you can expect from him.......broken promises, Unless he goes through some "life altering" situation that makes him re-evaluate his life. Either a guy looks at porn or he doesn't. If he looks at porn - he will always look at porn. If it makes you feel as badly as you do right now? Then might I suggest you re-think your situation. It's a very emotionally painful situation to try and live with for the rest of your life - and that a damn long time! Think real hard about this....you don't want to throw away something that has you feeling as good as your relationship does but on the other hand? Well, I think you know. Let me ask you this.............if he was the kind of guy that flirted with women would you stay with him? bubbles
illuminata Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 Originally posted by Bubbles You know? I feel sorry for a lot of guys out there. Obviously everything they learned about sex & relationships was off of a porno! bubbles I definately agree with this, I know that everything my partner learned about sex was from his dad's collection of porn videos and sex books - starting from the age of about 7. His parents had a bad relationship - violence, affairs, swinging, you name it. So no great role models.
BadDog Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 Foolish Fiance, Maybe you should talk to your soon to be husband. He may have just made a mistake.
Bubbles Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 He may have made a mistake? What the..........??? Ya, ya.........oops honey! I was on the internet and I don't know how it happened but all of a sudden I downloaded 150 pictures of nude lude women! That's a good joke........you don't really think we're gonna fall for that are we? bubbles
BadDog Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 Bubbles Your immediate reaction was that the fiance could never be trusted and should be dumped NOW!!! How could you know? Maybe he was just browsing the web and became curious to view things he used to view reguarly in the past. She should be talking this over with the man she said she'd marry.
Foolish Fiance Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 I had a lot of time to think about all of this last night while I was busy NOT sleeping. Do you all do that? Go over every single thing and look at it under a harsher light? The last time we had sex he couldn't stay hard. I didn't think much of it - but now I am thinking that he's just not into me. That he'd rather have these skinny things he sees online. He couldn't even finish until he turned me around & now I'm thinking he just doesn't want me at all anymore. I can't decide if I'm more angry or hurt. The angry part of me wants so bad to lash out and hurt him the way he's hurt me. To make him feel as insecure and undesirable as I do right now. Despite how he obviously feels, I am not an ugly woman. It wouldn't be all that hard to show him exactly how painful this is - but that's my anger. I wouldn't actually do that to myself, because then I'd feel bad about that too. The hurt part is just so strong. I can't believe I am such a fool to trust anyone. I should know better where men are concerned - I have a looser-magnet that is so strong! Here I've been working out every single night, bought a new 2-piece for our trip, and was so excited about the 14 lbs I've lost, but it will never be enough. He likes these perfectly thin, stretch mark free strangers that I'll never be. Talk to him? and say what? "Hey, thanks for reminding me that I'm not that thin? I really wouldn't have remembered otherwise." or how about: "Hey, thanks for reminding me how it feels to be lied to. It's been awhile, but I guess you can drop self-esteem just like riding a bike in this situation." Or, I know, here's what I should say: "Hows about you make some more promises to love, honor and cherish and only keep those until you 'make a mistake' and I just accept that's okay because I'm obviously not worth enough to you to even consider when the blood rushes south." Yeah, good plan. talk about it.
Bubbles Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 BadDog, So.......if you have some kind of idea as to "how" the poster can present her problem to her fiance then why don't you tell her? Let her know what to say. Right now I am sympathising with her emotional pain and I am very sincere with it too. I know first hand how it feels. I was with a man for over 7 years and "put up" with him viewing the internet, downloading pictures and movies and ignoring me emotionally and sexually. So as you can tell, me advice to any one who is going through this is to tell them to leave. The situation WILL NOT change. bubbles
BadDog Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 I think she already has presented the problem to her fiance
fyrwyfe Posted March 24, 2005 Posted March 24, 2005 Foolish Fiance - I wouldn't marry him, at least not until he PROVES he can be trusted. Here is a Dr. Phil link - from there click on "Addicted To Porn"... http://www.drphil.com/show/show.jhtml?contentId=3103_sex.xml If you marry him, he will have no motivation to change, and why should he? You married him knowing he looked at it, you know? If you are important enough to him then he will do what it takes to prove to you he won't do it anymore; counseling, get rid of computer - whatever will prove it for you. IF that's possible that is... I really wonder if guys can ever get over their addiction. I think it's possible only if he really WANTS to change, but if he has the mindset of most guys out there - "It's what guys do. It's a guy thing. It's totally normal" - then HE WONT CHANGE, and you will be stuck married to a porn addict. Think about this before you go through with it. Read the link above - the fiance in the clip is pretty much in your situation.
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