Tough road ahead

[LoveLace]

[COLOR=black]Now that I think serial muse has got it all figured out, I'm gonna have to post my feelings here, because it's really the only place I have to turn to! Forgive me if I treat LS like its a diary!! [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]If Tom knows how I feel, what does he expect my reaction to be when he talks about a girl he wants to f*k? I know a lot of girls in my position who would go off. But I don't, cuz I know I don't have the right..or do I? No- just because I live with him and have given him 1 BJ, doesn't mean I'm his GF. When he commented on the hot girl, I asked him if he was working on her. He says, "I dont have to work, they just come to me, she'll come around eventually". And I rolled my eyes. I realize he only wants them for sex. But that doesn't make this any easier. It used to help, but not now. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]Tom must have caught on, that everytime he mentions a woman, I get really quiet for a while..but it never takes me long to blow it off and forget about it. 1st, I don't want to appear jealous nor angry; 2nd, just being honest will get me rejection. So why bother to say anything. [/COLOR]

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You are right he needs me financially. At least right now...he was doing great for almost a year, but has fell behind lately. He's going through a lot in his life; another reason he's probably oblivious to how upset I get; and I constantly do things to try and throw him off. Kind of like he throws me off when he talks about girls...but I don't talk about other men much, Tom has actually cut back on it a LOT...especially since we messed around...he doesn't talk on the phone to girls in front of me at ALL anymore...therefore I don't know if he does at all. He stood a girl up the same night we messed around. So in a way, he was due for some sex comments...

 

Sometimes, I try pretty hard to seem just as hard to figure out as he is...almost like I enjoy the game. I'm totally losing!

 

I don't want to hurt him either though, financially. But if he found a roommate, it wouldn't hurt him at all....and I would be hurt by that, too. He's in his room sleeping, and I'm here crying, cuz I know I have to move eventually, even though its the last thing I want to do. We passed some nice houses yesterday. We both admired them and we both have a dream to buy a house. He asked me from Day One if we could get a house together- "in a year"- but I thought it was crazy. I would consider it AFTER living with him for a while FIRST. He loves to fix things, family time, etc...I think he works his butt off to keep everyone happy, but I guess with me, there has to be a limit on just how happy to make me. Sex would just make way too happy huh? I seem to have everything he needs, from money to understanding, and I almost fell over when he actually fixed my breaks like he promised!

 

But when it comes down to it he is not giving me anything that I need right now..other than friendship. I don't want him to say he loves me after loaning him money, anyway...maybe he's aware it might appear as total deceit...we all agree he doesn't want to hurt me though...so what gives, here.

[Not_That_Innocent]

Have you ever talked about other men around him? If so, how does he act.? He may be feeling more for you than you know. Especially since you have looked out for him in his time of need. It may not be love, but probably has a genuine respect and soft spot for you. If you guys have a good relationship then I can't see how he wouldn't have a soft spot for you since you seem to be always there for him. Unless you suspect he's just using you???

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and will probably be flamed, but since you posted this on the FWB board I'm going to tell you what I think. Play the game or you will get played! If he's talking to other women, then you need to talk to other men. If he's talking about other women, then talk about other men. The only way you can stay sane in this type of relationship is to keep something on the side, so to speak. Don't get too wrapped up in just him unless he gives you the impression that he wants something deeper w/ you.

[LoveLace]

Yes I've talked about men around him, I've only had 2 actually around him though. One of them, he wouldn't even talk to or look at hardly. But when he used to have girls over a lot, I was pretty friendly to them. Maybe even too friendly sometimes. We had a mutual friend get married a couple months ago--but he didn't ask me to be his date. Perhaps he worried about what our friends would think of that, but they know we live together. Anyhow I announced that I had a date, then he kept he saying he had THREE dates. The day before the wedding, I found out my date wouldn't make it. But I didn't care and had a great time solo. The same day, Tom suddenly "had to work" and "would have been going alone anyway". It's possible he really got stuck working; but I wasn't surprised when he didn't come up with these 3 chicks he kept talking about.

 

The last I talked about a guy was over a month ago-not to Tom but he heard me on the phone- He quickly asked me if the guy was my "boyfriend". I thought, why would he think that? I had just met the guy! One night a few weeks ago, he said he was seeing a girl named Tracy. But he hasn't gone out much lately, nor have I heard her name since then; nor have I heard him on the phone any women. He used to openly sweet talk to the girls on the phone with me right there. The day after we messed around, he canceled a date, and stayed home with me to watch a movie. That was actually the 2nd time he's done that. If none of his kids are around, he definitely doesn't have a problem being here alone with me, on the couch. And after rejecting me the other night, he had no problem hanging alone me the next 2 days in a row.

 

I don't have any new guys in my life right now, but not by choice. I'm too busy. I'm always too tired to mess with dating, and I don't get out much; but when I do, it's with the girls at the dance clubs where I have no intention of picking up a relationship...but I flirt.

 

So I don't necessarily want Tom to be the only guy in my life, but he is. I can't say I love him out of convenience, though. He was so thankful to me when I cleaned house for Fathers day, cuz I never scrub that much and he knows it! He said the whole place looked great, but all I really cleaned was bathroom and kitchen! The next day, we went out to eat together. Up till now, I could hardly get him to do something fun with me, but he came to the pool with me, too. For us, this is a lot of hanging out in 1 week...

 

I'm losing sleep over it, cuz he knows I'm torn about moving (I think) and I know I have to tell him why. But doesn't he probably know already? I accused him of using me a couple times. We're over those arguments, though. Now I don't believe he's using me, and I think now he knows that all I do for him is out of the kindness of my heart. After he made that comment out of nowhere, about the girl he wants to f*k, I caught him staring at me while my eyes were closed. It felt like he knew that he made me sad just then. Until I bring myself to say something, I just keep crying in the mean time and I can't stop thinking about him, looking at him makes me crumble, cuz he isn't mine. I can't kiss him or touch him and I long for it so much!