Can I plant the seeds for a future second chance down the road?

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

Ok, theres another thread in the breakup forum from me

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t122563/

that should help give background....

 

she dumped me, "not in love anymore, too young, etc"

shes in my home very reluctant to leave, keeps showing signs shes let go of whatever she was holding against me to keep a wall up. But shes gone into a somewhat self destructive vacation from the real world...

I'm not letting her mooch offa me, cutting more and more ties.

 

the more i talk to friends, read up, analyze the situation, events leading up to it, and things happening recently, im finding it very probable she will try to come back, probably too soon in my opinion.

 

Myself, I am getting more sure that itll take a good while before i could be open to things with her again, takin that risk. And it would be very slow compared to the first time. I am still tryin to work out whether i do or will want her back, and ive figured out that right now i dont. It wouldnt work if i let her come back to me after just a few weeks, etc. It wouldnt last long like that. If im dating someone I wouldnt leave them because i thought the grass was greener elsewhere, and likewise if im with someone when she wants to try coming back, im not gonna just leave them. Not sure how ill handle that if it occurs.

 

In truth, I would like to take her back once shes done some work on herself, figured things out better, grown up a bit i guess...

So I am essentially tryin to engineer the future not so distant. I have gotten my interactions with her almost down to the level of a casual acquaintance, limiting contact more and more, though she has yet to move offa my couch. I objectively see signs (not from false hope) in the things she says or does, that shes not happy as she was with me, life isnt nearly as good, and that she misses me and what we had, but i havent shown any reaction to it. The times i speak with her, its about business or trivial matters, i am friendly but not even verbally affectionate, without artificially being distant. I am encouraging her more and more strongly to move out of here, that she needs to be "free of me lookin over her shoulder" or whatever i can come up with.

 

I know she misses me and really wants me in her life, but i refuse to give her the benefits of being in my life without her paying the price of actually being in my life. I must decide what course to take with my current actions other than what i am already doin, workin out, getting healthy and happy, becoming more attractive to everyone. And at the same time, i have to figure out the minimum criteria for letting her come back, and how to handle that, as it becomes more likely the less interaction i giveher it seems.

 

I think it should at least require her moving out for a few months, if not longer, seeing how she reacts to stressful situations on her own without my support, her being single and looking at herself in the mirror for a month at least.

 

OK, this sounds wierd to approach matters of the heart from the perspective of an computer engineering and physics student, perhaps too logical and calculating? she did tell me after the breakup that when i talk it seems too planned and structured at times, and though i openly show alll range of emotions i still seem like just a robot with emotions... she mentioned the robot in IROBOT, having emotions, being individual, but still seeming too rational...

 

On a side note to that one, why would a girl get frustrated at a guy who would rather talk things out than yell? i've tried to figure this one out, and i can understand it a bit. Should i try to acquire the ability to argue, shout, and vent in a somewhat healthy manner, even if its just for my future partners need to vent? I'm very good at rationalizing my own emotions, finding their cause, deciding if its an appropriate reaction to an event and the such, and prefer to discuss things so that action is taken and problems corrected, rather than just shout and bicth about something.

 

Ideas, Comments, suggestions, number of a local asylum for the insane?

 

thanks

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

I need help to keep the idea of acting properly to leave a possibility of her coming back. Its a tough night all of a sudden, as she came to meet me at my coffee shop hangout, then sat with me (but on the other end of the couch) to watch a movie, then went to bed and im sittin here thinking too hard, prolly be fine after ive slept, but what if its not, tomorrows gonna be hard though shes not supposed to be around and ive got errands to run.

 

gotta remember to not do stupid stuff etc, for 2 reasons, 1. I am too good a person for that. etc. need my self respect. 2. If i ever have another chance with her, it needs to be a clean slate, which it would never be if i do things wrong

[Yernasia Quorelios]

Sounds to me like you're going down exactly the right track. Only thing I would suggest is to consider learning to "argue, shout, and vent in a somewhat healthy manner," as part of the "looking at [your]self in the mirror" process.

 

Good luck .