Ex needs me? what do i do?

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

my most recent thread tells whats up at the moment, and now i really need advice. I really dont know what to do. how to react, how to act in general but be myself, which unfortunately is too loving to even mere friends.

 

She woke up came up to me and we spent 2 hours talkin, i held back my tears... Barely. she has fallen backwards from most of what she gained with me, dreams from a traumatic event have returned, shes gone back to lookin to get stoned to just forget things. She knows the guy shes with doesnt really care about her, but shes having fun kinda thing. She has stopped planning for the future, shes not happy anymore, knows she doesnt smile the way she did with me, shes only happy for a little at a time.

 

I think i made a mistake, im not sure. She opened up to me the way she used to. She talked about things she has never told anyone but me. Even as a friend i feel i have to be there for her... Hell, i told her even if she dissappears tomorrow and i never see her again, I need her to remember and understand certain things. To know that when i complemented her, I never embellished or lied. When I told her she was my dream girl, i meant she filled all my criteria, except one i just realized, ability to commit.

 

I let her sleep in the bed instead of on the couch or airmattress, and sat with her a minute, said that "no matter what you do, what anyone says, you need to remember you really are special, and I want you to never forget, never let anyone mistreat you, never let anyone hurt you. Always know you deserve to be treated even better than i treated you." etc

 

Have i screwed up or have i accepted that shes gone even if just for now, and want to be her friend?

Help?

[madgun68]

Do you really just want to be her friend, or are you hoping that she'll realise what she lost and come running back to you?

 

I guess the more important thing to consider is your role in this. She'll get to have her fun with the new guy, and then have you to fall back on for emotional support. Is that fair to you? You said it yourself.. you were barely holding back the tears. This IS emotionally hard for you.

 

Trying to be this womans friend is going to be very difficult for you. You still have feelings for her. You're focusing on her needs and forgetting the most important person of all... YOU.

 

Think about that.

[KittenMoon]

She'll get to have her fun with the new guy, and then have you to fall back on for emotional support. Is that fair to you?

 

Ditto! Read this, then read it again and listen to it!

 

If you go back through the boards this happens ALL the time. You are simply being used as her emotional support when its convinient to her.

 

Yes- you are being used.

 

No, she's probably not soing it "on purpose" but she is doing it nonetheless. Why? Because you are letting her.

 

Please pay attention to what I say next: You cannot be her hero. You cannot save her, protect her, or even help her with whatever is going on in her life right now. And the longer you are there for her (when she decides she needs you) the longer you are actually PREVENTING her from facing her own issues on her own.

 

And while all this is going on, you are being emotionally hurt as well. The absolute best thing you can do, for yourself and for her, is not be available for her EVER. Supress your male instinct to be the hero, and next time, just say NO.

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

I haveto agree with this advice most ofall ive heard from friends, family or online acquaintances. This morning she asked if she could have a friend over, i said itwasnt right, etc. she said, "im not gonnna do the whole pity (myname) today. i want to have fun butifyou want to be an ass and try to not let me enjoy anythign, then fine" i reminded her it has nothing to do with pity, etc, its just respecting the person whose roof youre living under, etc... i have a feeling ill get myself together enough to get her out in the next few days. perhaps itll take a few drinks, but im gonna try...

one way or the other im gonna be ok,happy and im gonna remain myself.

someones gonna appreciate me for who i am, whethter its her one day, or someone even better.

[CaliGuy]

You've gotten the best advice here.

 

I will simply add this: She will not respect you if you do not respect yourself.

 

And that means stop "helping" her. You can't fix her. She has to do that on her own.

[Topper]

You keep posting asking the same question over and over again. You keep getting the same replies. Wake up and smell the Coffee! You Know what you have to do. Now do it. Do it for you, do it for her.

[alasia]

This girl knows you want her.

 

I stayed with my ex for about 4 weeks - I was genuinely in need of somewhere to stay and asked him, he agreed to a week which turned into 3 or 4 and all the time I was there, I thought he had feelings for me.

 

I'm sure your ex is thinking the same as I was - "he's putting himself out for me, letting me stay...he must still care for me". As it was, I don't think my ex actually had any feelings for me, I think he was just being the typical 'male hero'. After all, every guy likes to feel wanted, right?

 

I think your ex will carry on taking advantage of your good nature/feelings as long as she can. She might not be taking advantage deliberately, but to some extent she'll be thinking "he has feelings for me, he won't mind if I stay a little bit long". It's what I thought about my ex too.

 

You HAVE to ask her to leave, make sure you don't come across too harshly if you ever want to stay friends with her in future, but be firm enough to make it clear that you want and need your own space, and she needs to start standing on her own two feet.