The Game Of Infidelity

[Wisdom]

Infidelity is always an interesting subject because it is usually blanketed by high emotions of people who have been victims of the circumstances as well as the people who are perpetrating the situations and those that are simply just trying to cope to find their way.

 

Now, because everyone has motives angles many of the comments made in response to people posted on this forum contained not only sound advice but also the wisdom of the people who've been through similar situations. unfortunately, sometimes the comments are monolithic in nature in that they don't fully account for the emotional and psychological state of the person who may have posted the original message.

 

The sad reality regarding infidelity is that it's not a new problem but a very old one in which never ending groups of unsuspecting victims continue to fall prey to the same old true and tried methods of those who have learned one thing, People are most unwilling to change themselves! As long as people who are desparately stuck in these types of relationships feel that the other person must change those people will continue fulfilling their roles as enablers to the masters of this game the cheaters. If we could look at the situation in isolation it would look like this:

 

#1 two people enter into an agreement of commitment to each other (marriage, fidelity, sexual loyalty, etc)

 

#2 One person (consciously decides) to change this agreement.

 

---The merry-go-round-starts-here --

 

#3 As soon as you become aware of this problem, and you begin to verify, clarify, interrogate, intimidate, suffocate. You start a pattern of saying to the other person subconciously:

 

(it doesn't matter what you do--I still love you and one day you will see that I am worth loving.)

 

This to the other person is a greenlight because essentially you are saying that their are no consequences to their actions.

 

 

In this same moment you start saying to yourself subconciously:

 

(I'm too afraid to tell myself the truth. The agreement someone else has made with me has been broken and I must now choose love for myself or love for someone who has broken their agreement with me. I know that in choosing love for myself, I may have to let go of everything else. I already have evidence that this person does not value me as I do them. The question that I know I must answer and no one can answer it for me is do I love myself? )

 

The marry-go-round ends when you answer this question. Answering this question is evident not by words alone but by actions which reflects your deepest intentions. Now, consciously you may think that your decision is more complicated for instance, what about the kids, the house, the dog, etc. these are all ego-diversion-tactics, distractions which keep you from answering the essential question "Do I love myself?"

 

the reason I referred to other considerations such as kids, the house, the dog as ego-diversion-tactics. because you think that these things are central to your decision but they're not. I will tell you why...

 

If the other person just walked out on you--you would still have these things to be concerned with. If the other person stayed and got worse--you would still have these things to be concerned with. If the other person stayed and got better you would still have these things to be concerned with.

 

In other words, there are some challenges you have to face regardless of the outcome of your situation. the essential question here is, will you take the opportunity to choose for yourself or will you let your circumstances dictate your choices.

 

 

I personally think the a lot can be accomplished by focusing and reflecting the comment made by the original posters in an effort for them to first understand their own motives and secondly, empower them to make a decision which will impact the course of their lives.

 

 

I usually start my personal discussions with people with a statement which I feel accurately sums up the situation. "I am here to help you to help yourself--what you choose will not cause me to lose sleep at night because ultimately it is your life and you are free to do as you please. "

 

With that being said I'm hoping that I can make many positive contributions to these discussions.

 

love,

 

Wisdom

[Tony T]

I am pleased we have a new member who has given great thought to the subject of infidelity. However, while you have certainly set forth your thoughts in a lucid manner, I feel your treatise is an oversimplification of what is a very complex and highly emotionally charged event in the conduct of human affairs.

 

When someone cheats on a partner and is discovered, the victim is usually not in an emotional space to be rational. They are not in a space to decide pragmatically what is supposed to be here or there in the scheme of things. They are human beings who have been emotionally attacked and betrayed by someone. Their love for that person varies from person to person.

 

There are always two sides to every story and many underlying reasons for adulterous acts and behavior. And there are times when the victim had ample warning their partner would surely stray...warning that probably came prior to committment or marriage.

 

Welcome to the message board. My greatest wish is that you will read each post, fully understanding that the greatest number of times all the details are not there, and be very open minded and cognizant of the fact that all problems and answers to the human condition are not preset in a concrete fashion.

 

I'm glad you won't be losing any sleep over your posts because those viewing them won't lose any sleep if they disagree with you. That's how it's always worked.

 

A lot of people have disagreed with me and they sleep quite well...at least we rarely get posts from those who return as insomniacs.

 

I also think most people fully understand they are free to do as they please. And, believe it or not, a greatest amount of the time they do that regardless of the advice we post.

 

I forgot to mention I really don't think most people consider infidelity a game, unless they are very young, very immature or very stupid.