InvisibleTouch Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 Do your wife a favour and have a look at youself. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatiswrong Posted July 10, 2007 Author Share Posted July 10, 2007 Do your wife a favour and have a look at youself. Good luck! Hello Invisible, I have been taking a VERY hard look at myself during the past week and I am stressed, worried, and feeling very sick inside. I know this isn't helping matters any, but I only asked my wife the question once and I haven't brought it up since our conversation from a few days ago. I know the flip side of the coin could be that nothing is going on, and maybe nothing did / is happening. I made the suggestion to my wife about counseling for us both for her stress and mine as well; I think this will help. Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleTouch Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 Good Man Direct talking, discussing, communicating, listening etc are what you need to do now. Avoiding the issues and speculating is not healthy. This is your wife we are talking about, not some adolescent teen. Lay the cards on the table and find out for real what is happening to your marriage. Afterall this is the most valuable thing you have. If something is wrong but you dont know what it is, how are you ever going to fix it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatiswrong Posted July 10, 2007 Author Share Posted July 10, 2007 First off with the bras, their made to fit. They don't come undone or part undone unless someone tinkers with them or are so tight they come undone from pressure. Even then if they were tight, you'd see bra line marks. Second, with the bruses and marks, if you didn't do them, someone else did. I'm surprised she didn't try and hide them. I was thinking the same thing. OR she's more careful since you've been questioning her. First off, I have asked the advice of family and friends and they all feel the same way regarding the entire situation. They all want the best for me (and yes even her) and they advised me (like others here) to keep an open mind about everything. Family and friends have said on multiple occasions that something doesn't seem right with my wife. Most times, she has come home with her clothes messy from meetings and her bra was unlatched in places and she smelled different.. These are days when she wasn't working, but was called in for these meetings. My biggest problem is: part of me refuses to believe what I am seeing / experiencing and the other half is screaming that something is up. I've been letting these signs slide for too long which is why I came here to discuss / vent my situation. Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 First off, I have asked the advice of family and friends and they all feel the same way regarding the entire situation. They all want the best for me (and yes even her) and they advised me (like others here) to keep an open mind about everything. Family and friends have said on multiple occasions that something doesn't seem right with my wife. Most times, she has come home with her clothes messy from meetings and her bra was unlatched in places and she smelled different.. These are days when she wasn't working, but was called in for these meetings. My biggest problem is: part of me refuses to believe what I am seeing / experiencing and the other half is screaming that something is up. I've been letting these signs slide for too long which is why I came here to discuss / vent my situation. Yea but you are coming here a year and a half after the fact. Is there a time limit on venting? Of course not... and by all means do so. Here is where I think you are going wrong though, everyday you have a little something extra to add... You mind is racing on this issue constantly and it's eating you up inside. How do I know, because I have done it. Ruined a very good relationship because of it too... but hey that is me and of course your situation could be different. I don't always agree with the counseling thing, but in your situation I think it might be best to have a mediator or just someone you can personally bounce your thoughts off of. I do want to say this to you though... and I am doing so because since your first post you have given me the impression that you are wrestling with these ideas and whether or not they are fact, hence why I would never just come out and say,"Hey man the cunt is cheating on you.". Of course everything you told us here seems suspicious to a degree, but even you have questioned these facts in your own posts... you doubt yourself just as much as you doubt her. It is so much like what happened to myself... That is why I refuse to say she is cheating on you... that is the last thing you need to hear right now when grappling with such thoughts and what to make of them.. I have noticed you have added more in your last post and I am sure as you think of it today you will think of something else.. It has to stop. It has to stop for yourself. You need to get to the bottom of this and the only way to do so is to address it with your wife. I also want to ask you. You say the possible cheating happened about a year and a half ago, before the car wreck... You also say the two lesbians quit talking to you recently. Wouldn't it make sense to think that if something happened a year and a half ago that it would have been on their mind during the time they were friendly with you? What ever it is I hope you get to the bottom of it. T Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 Good Man Direct talking, discussing, communicating, listening etc are what you need to do now. Avoiding the issues and speculating is not healthy. This is your wife we are talking about, not some adolescent teen. Lay the cards on the table and find out for real what is happening to your marriage. Afterall this is the most valuable thing you have. If something is wrong but you dont know what it is, how are you ever going to fix it? Very good point, totally agree here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatiswrong Posted July 10, 2007 Author Share Posted July 10, 2007 Yea but you are coming here a year and a half after the fact. Is there a time limit on venting? Of course not... and by all means do so. Here is where I think you are going wrong though, everyday you have a little something extra to add... You mind is racing on this issue constantly and it's eating you up inside. How do I know, because I have done it. Ruined a very good relationship because of it too... but hey that is me and of course your situation could be different. I don't always agree with the counseling thing, but in your situation I think it might be best to have a mediator or just someone you can personally bounce your thoughts off of. I do want to say this to you though... and I am doing so because since your first post you have given me the impression that you are wrestling with these ideas and whether or not they are fact, hence why I would never just come out and say,"Hey man the cunt is cheating on you.". Of course everything you told us here seems suspicious to a degree, but even you have questioned these facts in your own posts... you doubt yourself just as much as you doubt her. It is so much like what happened to myself... That is why I refuse to say she is cheating on you... that is the last thing you need to hear right now when grappling with such thoughts and what to make of them.. I have noticed you have added more in your last post and I am sure as you think of it today you will think of something else.. It has to stop. It has to stop for yourself. You need to get to the bottom of this and the only way to do so is to address it with your wife. I also want to ask you. You say the possible cheating happened about a year and a half ago, before the car wreck... You also say the two lesbians quit talking to you recently. Wouldn't it make sense to think that if something happened a year and a half ago that it would have been on their mind during the time they were friendly with you? What ever it is I hope you get to the bottom of it. T DBMarley, first my apologies for being a jerk earlier in this thread. I realize you've been trying to place a positive spin on things and my mind (like you say) is stuck in one gear and its not seeing the bigger picture. I can tell you are talking from experience and like you I don't want to ruin a good thing with these thoughts and feelings. Even though I am not accusing my wife or saying anything off color, I am sure she can 'sense' something is wrong with me, which I am sure is adding to her stress. Yes, the car incident was well over a year ago so your point is taken that something might have shown up if she was being unfaithful. I know it sounds 'lame' about the lesbian couple (in a way it does sound funny), but at the time of posting, I wasn't really in the right frame of mind but I'm sure you realized this anyway. Everything else that has been discussed (with the exception of the car crash and bruising) has happened in the past 6 months. The lesbian couple moved into our apartment project about a month ago, so even that is relatively new to the situation. There was a time and period after the crash that everything was fine. We went about our business; we still went on dates (so to speak), etc. Now for some reason her behavior and everything else is starting up again, hence my alarm. I guess it goes like this: I have taken everyone's advice (yours included) to seek help AND talk to my wife about my feelings. She claims that everything is fine, but like yourself I am sure, there was something inside you screaming foul even though your spouse was trying to ease your concern. Right or wrong, I know my marriage is in jeopardy if these feelings aren’t resolved, and the last thing I want is to ruin what could be a perfectly good marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 No need for apologies man, we are both adults here and I know this topic is heated for you.. I give you props for going about this the way you are. I've been where you are and I know how it feels. None of us here can rightfully say what is happening... We do not even know the dynamics of your marriage... Hell after 20+ years of wed the two of you may still watch TV with your legs draped over each, other who knows... We don't complain when our wife gives us incredible sex the night before or does something great for us... We only complain when we sense something wrong, hence why it is difficult for strangers to know the whole story, but it is the easy way out to just say.."HEY SHE'S CHEATING". Who knows what is going on, just do not form any conclusions just yet and I sense you are not, which is very good. Get to the bottom of things man.. even if she was or is cheating, you have to tell yourself you are going to get through this and you'll be OK. Hang in there... Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 Yea but you are coming here a year and a half after the fact. True but it's better to find out then never. Because if she did, there's no telling if she'd do it again. Especially if she thinks she can do it and not get caught. Most times, she has come home with her clothes messy from meetings and her bra was unlatched in places and she smelled different.. These are days when she wasn't working, but was called in for these meetings. Hell of a meeting. Sure the call in wasn't a cover up? Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 True but it's better to find out then never. Because if she did, there's no telling if she'd do it again. Especially if she thinks she can do it and not get caught. You are right but he should have addressed those issues 6 months or whenever it happend. Hell of a meeting. Sure the call in wasn't a cover up? No offense to his wife, but if she is leaving him assuming she is at work, but out screwing some guy and coming home a wreck then she is just plain stupid. Personally I do not think that is the case. Few come home from work looking as refreshed as they left and who would come home a mess if they are screwing? I take my clothes off for sex, but that is me. Some of the posters in this thread have been cheated on much like myself. Bitterness, loathing, and just general bad experiences just do not give us the expertise to tell this man his wife is cheating on him... He has done everything in his power, in my opinion, to find out if she is and other than his suspicions on things that to me appear maybe innocent, he has nothing concrete. His keylogger has uncovered nothing... Wish, Get the marriage counseling, leave the key logger going and just remain aware... Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 For your listening pleasure of course, the late great Honorable Robert Nesta Marley : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUUwCW4ClPo&mode=related&search= Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 No offense to his wife, but if she is leaving him assuming she is at work, but out screwing some guy and coming home a wreck then she is just plain stupid. Yeah I agree. I was just throwing that out. I will say this, if these are the only times she had these odd smells, messed up clothes, scrathes and marks, then something must have been going on. But I don't think that's the case which is a good sign. But if he didn't make those marks, then someone else did. I understand marks because I get them random (bumping into things) but not scratches. Unless I was doing something that made them. I don't know, if my H found marks he didn't make or had a story to back them up, oh yeah he'd question me like the dickens. Plus if I was fooling around, I'd be an idiot not to hide them. he has nothing concrete. If she had one and isn't now, then it will be hard to get something concrete. Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleTouch Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 But if he didn't make those marks, then someone else did. I understand marks because I get them random (bumping into things) but not scratches. Unless I was doing something that made them. Maybe she is a landscape gardener in her spare time! Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 Maybe she is a landscape gardener in her spare time! Ah, so she was fighting with picker bushes. Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 Maybe she is a landscape gardener in her spare time! I do not think this is the time for jokes.. not one bit. This guy is hurt and besides, everyone knows the facts point to her being a dog groomer in her spare time!! It explains the scratches and bruises... Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleTouch Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 I do not think this is the time for jokes.. not one bit. This guy is hurt and besides, everyone knows the facts point to her being a dog groomer in her spare time!! It explains the scratches and bruises... I'll joke where I want to thanks Rasta! And by the way, mind your language please because it is the most offensive thing written on this thread to date. Wind your neck in buster! Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 I do not think this is the time for jokes.. not one bit. This guy is hurt and besides, everyone knows the facts point to her being a dog groomer in her spare time!! It explains the scratches and bruises... If so, then why has it stopped? I take it she's not doing the grooming anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatiswrong Posted July 11, 2007 Author Share Posted July 11, 2007 I wish she was a dog groomer on her spare time! lol Well, my wife finally opened up to me last night. We had a very long conversation, and she admitted that she has been feeling real guilty lately. Apparently at one time (a very long time ago), she went to dinner with an ex after running into him. She claims nothing sexual happened; she's been feeling guilty about it for quite some time. No time frame was given but apparently it’s been eating at her because usually our communication is usually very open. She also feels that I give her more than she gives back, and she has been wondering if she has been showing me how much she really loves me as much as I do towards her. I had a surprise birthday party for here recently and apparently this helped things along with the communication process... With all joking aside, I feel better knowing this and I have to take her word that nothing happened. Link to post Share on other sites
JayLK Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 I wish she was a dog groomer on her spare time! lol Well, my wife finally opened up to me last night. We had a very long conversation, and she admitted that she has been feeling real guilty lately. Apparently at one time (a very long time ago), she went to dinner with an ex after running into him. She claims nothing sexual happened; she's been feeling guilty about it for quite some time. No time frame was given but apparently it’s been eating at her because usually our communication is usually very open. She also feels that I give her more than she gives back, and she has been wondering if she has been showing me how much she really loves me as much as I do towards her. I had a surprise birthday party for here recently and apparently this helped things along with the communication process... With all joking aside, I feel better knowing this and I have to take her word that nothing happened. Even though your post doesn’t reflect it how are you actually feeling about finding out? This is no joking matter and the people making this into a joke are poor excuses for human beings. You're scum.... you claim to be survivors of infidelity, yet here you are trashing this man's thread with your half-baked one-liners; certainly not the actions of people who have been there. It also explains why you people lost your spouses... you’re a bunch of insensitive pricks that f*cking deserved it. Link to post Share on other sites
JayLK Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 I'll joke where I want to thanks Rasta! And by the way, mind your language please because it is the most offensive thing written on this thread to date. Wind your neck in buster! You're one sad individual. InvisibleTouch? It should be more like 'OutOfTouch. lol Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Even though your post doesn’t reflect it how are you actually feeling about finding out? This is no joking matter, and the people making this into a joke are poor excuses for human beings. You're scum.... you claim to be survivors of infidelity, yet here you are trashing this man's thread with your half-baked one-liners; certainly not the actions of people who have been there. It also explains why you people lost your spouses... you’re a bunch of insensitive pricks that f*cking deserved it. Wish, I would watch this cat JayLK. With this display of aggression it leaves me to believe one thing.... HE'S THE EX!!! Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleTouch Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Well done Whatiswrong! There is no alternative to talking. Now you have something solid to work with - and so do we! Relationships are dynamic, never constant and therefore need to be worked at. Also, it is quite natural to have one partner more positive than the other, there is nothing wrong with that, and it happens at many levels including "love". Regardless of the past she is still your wife. She is still with and that speaks volumes. Its impossible knowing how you get along but I would show her in your actions and not words just how much she means to you. Dont lavish her with gold but take time out to spend time together doing "stuff" and experiencing "life" by avoiding routine. Whatever you do, dont get clingy and paranoid. You are the man in her life so act the part so to speak. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Wish, If I am not mistaken you have been married for quite some time, correct? How long exactly? This ex guy, how long ago is that from? Did she say it happened during the time you expected something going on. If it did, you now have something definitely answering your previous suspicions. I do not doubt her guilt on the matter, but what made her come clean? Is this something she had been denying? If so, then how can she expect you to take her word that nothing happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatiswrong Posted July 11, 2007 Author Share Posted July 11, 2007 Wish, If I am not mistaken you have been married for quite some time, correct? How long exactly? This ex guy, how long ago is that from? Did she say it happened during the time you expected something going on. If it did, you now have something definitely answering your previous suspicions. I do not doubt her guilt on the matter, but what made her come clean? Is this something she had been denying? If so, then how can she expect you to take her word that nothing happened? DB, The incident with the ex happened before my suspicions began. It doesn't make any sense even from my perspective because when we talked about my suspicions she claimed nothing happened then, and when I told her how I have been feeling in the past 6 months she said nothing was going on then either. She did find out about this message board even though I have been very careful about concealing it. I think its part of why she opened up; she even wrote me a love 'note' (which we do from time to time) stating how much she loves me, and that coming to boards like this one will only cause trouble in our relationship, '..because the people who post there have nothing positive to add.' DB, my wife and I have always been close, right down to cuddling while watching TV. We still hold hands, hug, and we still joke around ,eat out, and have fun together. She has always been attentive to everything I say, do, etc. In the past 6 months however, I'll say something to her and she'll be 'zoned out’ and be like, "What did you say honey?" That isn't like her. My wife loves to talk when we take drives together (she's always been the talkative type) but lately she's been quiet and we've had too many of those 'silences' while driving. I'd always break those silences by asking her to express what's going on inside her head, but sometimes it seems like she isn't telling me everything. Sometimes when we talk, she'll keep physical distance from me. Just today while talking to her, she was at her computer, and she was nervous. She was rubbing her hands together very tightly. I have never seen this type of behaviour in her before. Yes, we still are close in that way, but I dunno.... Link to post Share on other sites
VirtualInsanity Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 She did find out about this message board even though I have been very careful about concealing it. I think its part of why she opened up; she even wrote me a love 'note' (which we do from time to time) stating how much she loves me, and that coming to boards like this one will only cause trouble in our relationship, '..because the people who post there have nothing positive to add.' Not true. Postive things are mentioned. It will only cause trouble for her if she's hiding something she shouldn't. I'd make sure the logger was installed & try the recorder. If any talk is made, it will be when she's away from you. The recorder will also let you know if they go places. In the past 6 months however, I'll say something to her and she'll be 'zoned out’ and be like, "What did you say honey?" That isn't like her. My wife loves to talk when we take drives together (she's always been the talkative type) but lately she's been quiet and we've had too many of those 'silences' while driving. I'd always break those silences by asking her to express what's going on inside her head, but sometimes it seems like she isn't telling me everything. Sometimes when we talk, she'll keep physical distance from me. Just today while talking to her, she was at her computer, and she was nervous. She was rubbing her hands together very tightly. I have never seen this type of behaviour in her before. Yes, we still are close in that way, but I dunno.... Maybe somethings on her mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts