Strange feelings about wife's work colleagues strange behavior. What do you think?

[jmargel]

Well since she read this board, don't bother with the recorder issue.

 

She doesn't want to face the truth and the consequences for what she is doing, that is why she is so defensive about us. Of course there are three sides to every story, his, hers and the truth. I would like her to post on this thread to tell us what she is thinking.

[VirtualInsanity]

Well since she read this board, don't bother with the recorder issue.

 

She doesn't want to face the truth and the consequences for what she is doing, that is why she is so defensive about us. Of course there are three sides to every story, his, hers and the truth. I would like her to post on this thread to tell us what she is thinking.

If she's hiding anything she won't tell us w/ him on here. If anything she'll try & convince us whatever she wants us to believe to make it go away.

[dbtmarley]

Well I guess you might as well put the recorder in her hand if she knows what has been written here. Don't forget to tell her to hit the record button... Damn this is just unfortunate..

 

Tell her I said hi.. ****!

[Darth Vader]

DB,

 

The incident with the ex happened before my suspicions began. It doesn't make any sense even from my perspective because when we talked about my suspicions she claimed nothing happened then, and when I told her how I have been feeling in the past 6 months she said nothing was going on then either.

 

She did find out about this message board even though I have been very careful about concealing it. I think its part of why she opened up; she even wrote me a love 'note' (which we do from time to time) stating how much she loves me, and that coming to boards like this one will only cause trouble in our relationship, '..because the people who post there have nothing positive to add.'

DB, my wife and I have always been close, right down to cuddling while watching TV. We still hold hands, hug, and we still joke around ,eat out, and have fun together. She has always been attentive to everything I say, do, etc.

 

In the past 6 months however, I'll say something to her and she'll be 'zoned out’ and be like, "What did you say honey?" That isn't like her.

 

My wife loves to talk when we take drives together (she's always been the talkative type) but lately she's been quiet and we've had too many of those 'silences' while driving. I'd always break those silences by asking her to express what's going on inside her head, but sometimes it seems like she isn't telling me everything.

 

Sometimes when we talk, she'll keep physical distance from me. Just today while talking to her, she was at her computer, and she was nervous. She was rubbing her hands together very tightly. I have never seen this type of behaviour in her before. Yes, we still are close in that way, but I dunno....

 

 

Your wife should post here, that is if she has nothing to hide! Silience in this case would admit guilt, of something! How would she feel if the shoe were on the other foot?

[whatiswrong]

As far as I know my wife hasn't seen this thread. I made the mistake once of leaving the browser open with the main page of loveshack.org showing, and she questioned me about it. I wasn't going to lie; I told her it was a message board for married people. That is when she made the comment that nothing but bad things are written here.

 

Now how do I go about finding a recorded and how would I use it without her knowing?

[jmargel]

Goto radioshack.com and put this into the search engine: Olympus VN-2100 Recorder

 

It is voice activated. I would put it either underneather or better yet if the driver seat has a back pocket, to place it in there. It's only $30, money well spent.

 

However you two still need marriage counseling, if you don't find anything on the recorder after you have it in place you still are going to be wondering if something is still going on. This won't cure this feeling of insecurity and deceitfulness that is going on in your marriage.

[dbtmarley]

I would not encourage the wife to come here to post. We are your support and you need some where you can speak in confidence. I just do not think the recorder thing is going to be effective. I mean what are the chances you are going to get anything incriminating during her drive to and from work. If it is infidelity during this time frame a tail might be more effective.

 

Do you have any friends or family who you can truly trust to recruit to follow her during those times she is to be at work? Anyone who can pass by her job just to confirm her car is there? Man a PI is pretty much out of the question unless you are rich because it may be weeks even months before anything happens...

 

The only other thing I can suggest is to keep your head on a swivel and remain aware.

 

BTW... Have you told her how displeased you are about her going out with the ex? Dude... in my book whether something sexually happened or not, that is cheating. It was behind your back and if it was to be innocent you should have been there too!!!!!

 

Personally... In my opinion, I think there is more to that story. She gave you just enough info to suffice. You need to tell her you do not believe none of it. This kind of deceit is going to kill you man... I would tell her I need some time a part to sort out my feelings. Maybe she should stay somewhere else for a few days.. I don't know if that is something you are willing to do.. I just think she needs to feel some of what you have been feeling... that feeling like,"Oh God I am going to lose my spouse". Her response may be very telling. If she values you and wants to keep you in her life she may very well give you the answers you need to hear.. I don't know man..

 

It all sucks I know..

 

I will admit though.. you and the others were right about her. That whole ex deal changed my opinion drastically!

 

Thomas

[InvisibleTouch]

It sounds like she may have feelings for this guy that she has never been able to resolve and that is why she didn't tell you. BUT, it doesn't mean she wants to be with him. My current gf is cool with me meeting ex's as I am with her as long as it is all transparent. I still have feelings for some of my ex's, I bet we all do, but I dont want to be with them. People move on.

 

So, even if she does have unresolved feelings for this guy it doesn't mean she wants to be with him. She may even still love him but knows that they cant be together. The reality is that if they had worked out they would be together now, which they are not.

 

I refer you to my previous post if you are to make this work. Any other activity is non productive and destructive.

 

How would you feel if you found out that your wife had implemented surveillance to find out what you were up to, especially if you were innocent?

[jmargel]

I still have feelings for some of my ex's, I bet we all do, but I dont want to be with them. People move on.

 

Then you need to end things with your current gf. Or at least tell your gf what you just told us. See what her reaction is.

 

When I met my wife I was OVER my ex-fiancee. I did not have feelings for her. For me to share my heart with an ex and my current SO is morally wrong.

 

You are also going to visit them, it's just a matter of time before something happens. Keep playing with fire and your gf is going to be in the same spot as the OP of this thread. This is how it starts.

[VirtualInsanity]

Then you need to end things with your current gf. Or at least tell your gf what you just told us. See what her reaction is.

 

When I met my wife I was OVER my ex-fiancee. I did not have feelings for her. For me to share my heart with an ex and my current SO is morally wrong.

 

You are also going to visit them, it's just a matter of time before something happens. Keep playing with fire and your gf is going to be in the same spot as the OP of this thread. This is how it starts.

 

I couldn't agree more. Ex's are that, ex's & should remain in the past if possible.

[InvisibleTouch]

Ok, I agree "feelings" is the wrong word.

 

What im trying to say is that once you have had an intimate relationship with someone but the relationship ends it is ok to be friends. Its actually a healthy indicator that you can be friends. It doesn't mean you want to jump back into bed with them.

 

Does that make sense?

[VirtualInsanity]

Ok, I agree "feelings" is the wrong word.

 

What im trying to say is that once you have had an intimate relationship with someone but the relationship ends it is ok to be friends. Its actually a healthy indicator that you can be friends. It doesn't mean you want to jump back into bed with them.

 

Does that make sense?

IT, you have no limitations on this? Can go out w/ an ex (just the 2 of you) w/out your gf there?

[InvisibleTouch]

Absolutely Virtual! Whyever not?

[VirtualInsanity]

IT, I'm assuming if your gf wanted to go out w/ her ex to dinner, a movie, & then hang out at his place alone frequently, you wouldn't mind? I really do hope your joking but if not, there is so much that can go wrong.

 

You are also going to visit them, it's just a matter of time before something happens. Keep playing with fire and your gf is going to be in the same spot as the OP of this thread. This is how it starts.

 

I agree w/ this. Not saying it will happen to u but I wouldn't say never.

[InvisibleTouch]

Thats not what Im saying.

 

Im saying that when healthy relationships dissolve, invariably a friendship can prevail. People drift appart and not all relationships end on a bad note. They may be tough at the time but as time moves on it is quite normal to still like the ex. If you love your current partner and they love you what are the concerns. Trust is an integral part of love. I meet with my ex's because we happen to like each other and I still care about their well being (feelings). My gf and I trust the situation because we are not insecure. I also know that if (and that is a big if) something happened with my gf she would let me know and we would work from there.

 

If someone did do the things that you listed then yes there would be a concern, however to meet with an ex for dinner to catch up as a friend is quite acceptable. If on the other hand my gf said she was not comfortable with it then without doubt her request would be unquestionable.

[luvstarved]

Thats not what Im saying.

 

Im saying that when healthy relationships dissolve, invariably a friendship can prevail. People drift appart and not all relationships end on a bad note. They may be tough at the time but as time moves on it is quite normal to still like the ex. If you love your current partner and they love you what are the concerns. Trust is an integral part of love. I meet with my ex's because we happen to like each other and I still care about their well being (feelings). My gf and I trust the situation because we are not insecure. I also know that if (and that is a big if) something happened with my gf she would let me know and we would work from there.

 

If someone did do the things that you listed then yes there would be a concern, however to meet with an ex for dinner to catch up as a friend is quite acceptable. If on the other hand my gf said she was not comfortable with it then without doubt her request would be unquestionable.

 

 

IT I have not been active on this thread but a lurker. I just wanted to second the concern about "remaining friends" with exes. I would argue that it is the exception and not the rule. Most truly "healthy" relationships, for starters, don't end. I said "most" not all...but stand by that.

 

I have some exes with whom I still have SOME contact (one because we have kids and it is unavoidable) and am on good terms with. One of them still fixes my car, and my H's as well. BUT - I would not go out to dinner with an old flame, or even lunch unless it was some burning practical reason. It IS playing with fire. Not everyone is thoroughly enlightened and free of residual emotional connections.

 

You said yourself that things change and people move on. But also, circumstances fluctuate in any relationship, and it isn't always cause to break up. But during these fluctuations, one can be vulnerable to, shall we say, outside influences, and force a crisis where one might not have otherwise appeared.

 

I know that after my last break up, several old flames came crawling out of the woodwork. One broke up with his current girlfriend of 3 years even though I stated clearly I did not see us getting back together. Another wanted to leave his wife and come back to me. When I started dating my H, the first of these old flames got very upset and asked me never to speak to him again (whereas before, we had caught up with emails but never saw each other). Luckily, the second was able to get things back on track with his wife and I still talk to him on phone or through email OCCASIONALLY. I admit that I slept with both of these guys during my "free and single" phase but I don't think I did them any favors and I do regret it.

 

So, I can see keeping up with occasional emails or brief calls (1-2 times a year or less) just as human beings, but to go out to dinner and maintain a social relationship is just asking for trouble. What happens when one becomes unattached or is having relationship troubles can be devastating to a current relationship.

 

It's all well and good when everything is rosy in everyone's primary relationship, but unless your circle of friends are all members of some superhuman sect of unusually enlightened people, your danger is no less than any of the rest of us mere humans.

[Darth Vader]

As far as I know my wife hasn't seen this thread. I made the mistake once of leaving the browser open with the main page of loveshack.org showing, and she questioned me about it. I wasn't going to lie; I told her it was a message board for married people. That is when she made the comment that nothing but bad things are written here.

 

Now how do I go about finding a recorded and how would I use it without her knowing?

 

 

HMMMM......, How would she know? Unless she posted on here as a MW/OW, or about having an affair? She would've been toasted in many cases, that might be why she would say that people only say bad things on here! As far as her asking about the site, It's not hard to play dumb! DUH!

[Cobra_X30]

Why does it sound to me like your wife is now doing damage control. I would assume she has read this thread... also that she is going to continue to read this. Which is fine, YOU have nothing to hide.

 

Did she explain Why she felt the need to go out to Dinner with this ex? Why she felt like you didnt need to know ahead of time? You need to sit her down and talk about the why's and how many lies have been told. You need to do this all at once. If you draw it out over 2 months its going to make both your lives suck. If she gives an answer that doesnt make sense to you... force her to explain until you understand. Make sure she knows that anything less than 100% honesty and you walk out that door and never come back. She needs to earn your trust back.

 

Also pour over every financial record you can get your paws on. Look for a charge on the night she went to dinner with this ex. There should be a charge. If she didnt pay for herself... thats bad. If she paid for both... thats bad too.

 

DO NOT under any circumstances settle for sloppy seconds. You deserve more than crumbs... but you need to be a man and demand it, so be ready to walk. If she just watches you go... well, then you deserve better.

 

Anyway, hope this helps, Best of Luck.

[whatiswrong]

By continuing the conversation with my wife I discovered this ex was a f*ck buddy from before me. They dated on and off over the course of a few years and they met online somehow. My impression of this person is that he came around when he wanted sex. You know the type of dates those are: go to dinner, have sex – there were no ‘feelings’ involved according to my wife. Apparently this dinner occurred before we got married. The OM sought my soon-to-be-wife out, took her to dinner (obviously she agreed), and this was when my wife (apparently) told him that they could be friends and nothing more. Apparently she told this guy that she had found her ‘future’ in me... blah, blah, blah….

 

I believe the entire ex issue is a grey area. I mean, she never told me about it, so how innocent could this dinner have been? Their relationship was purely sexual before I came into the picture so its not like they'd be talking about the Boston Red Socks or something.

 

Someone a few posts back asked me how it would make me feel if I discovered that someone I knew was spying on me. All I can say is this: the ends justify the means. It’s been against my better judgment to record her computer habits, but her recent behavior has made it almost impossible for me to function properly. It’s really sad….

 

I asked my wife about the ex incident -- I wanted to know why she kept it from me. Her response was, “It was so important it slipped my mind”

 

What was her excuse for going to dinner with the ex? My wife claims it was done to be the ‘bigger person’ – to say ‘goodbye’ because she was no longer interested in that type of relationship anymore. That’s my problem with the entire thing scenario. Why couldn’t she say ‘goodbye’ to his face instead of doing it over dinner? Do you want my feelings on the whole thing? She used him… not only for the dinner, but she probably led him on a little too. I’ve been thinking about it all day. If my wife knew that being friends with this guy would turn him off and drive him away (because all he wanted was sex and not a friendship) then why did she pursue it further by calling him later? (Yes I have records to prove it).

 

Yes you read it right... I even discovered (just very recently) that she had phone contact with him after the supposed 'goodbye' dinner. “I was just being friendly and seeing how he was doing; I was being the bigger person.” my wife said to me today, when I asked. I couldn't help rolling my eyes.

 

Looking back, I can now see the signs regarding her behavior and they mirror the same behavior I have been seeing in the past 6 months. Like DB stated: this can kill a person, and I have been very ill over it. Anxiety, weird heart palpitations -- I’m seeing the doctor tomorrow to get on stronger meds because of all the emotional, mental and spiritual stress I am under IS starting to affect my health in a big way. (Play the world’s smallest violin for me).

 

Thank you for the recorder idea; I placed an order this afternoon and the recorder should be arriving soon.

[Lynna]

You guys REALLY should consider marriage counseling to get at all the underlying issues here.

[Cobra_X30]

It sounds like some of the answers she gave you dont answer all of your question. Honestly if the guy was just a physical relationship to her... why keep in touch even while she is married to you? Also if dinner with him was not a big deal why did it cause lingering guilt?

 

There is enough evidence to cause serious worry. You said previously that you two have been in financial difficulty, which is the #1 cause of divorce. Are you going to lay low and monitor the situation?

[Darth Vader]

If they were sex buddies years ago, how hard do you think it would be for her to start having sex with OM again? But this time it would be more about the thrill of it!

[whatiswrong]

It sounds like some of the answers she gave you dont answer all of your question. Honestly if the guy was just a physical relationship to her... why keep in touch even while she is married to you? Also if dinner with him was not a big deal why did it cause lingering guilt?

 

There is enough evidence to cause serious worry. You said previously that you two have been in financial difficulty, which is the #1 cause of divorce. Are you going to lay low and monitor the situation?

 

She saw the ex while we were engaged and she was calling him while we were engaged; there has been no contact since then as far as I know.

 

Exactly! If dinner was no big deal then there should be no guilt. We just signed up for marriage counsling so hopefully this will give me some answers.

 

According to my wife, she didn't cheat on me and never would.

[whatiswrong]

If they were sex buddies years ago, how hard do you think it would be for her to start having sex with OM again? But this time it would be more about the thrill of it!

 

 

She claims our love changed her 'ways' but who really knows at this point. Most of my wife's previous relationships (before me) were mostly sexual, and they never lated very long.

[whatiswrong]

I would not encourage the wife to come here to post. We are your support and you need some where you can speak in confidence. I just do not think the recorder thing is going to be effective. I mean what are the chances you are going to get anything incriminating during her drive to and from work. If it is infidelity during this time frame a tail might be more effective.

 

Do you have any friends or family who you can truly trust to recruit to follow her during those times she is to be at work? Anyone who can pass by her job just to confirm her car is there? Man a PI is pretty much out of the question unless you are rich because it may be weeks even months before anything happens...

 

The only other thing I can suggest is to keep your head on a swivel and remain aware.

 

BTW... Have you told her how displeased you are about her going out with the ex? Dude... in my book whether something sexually happened or not, that is cheating. It was behind your back and if it was to be innocent you should have been there too!!!!!

 

Personally... In my opinion, I think there is more to that story. She gave you just enough info to suffice. You need to tell her you do not believe none of it. This kind of deceit is going to kill you man... I would tell her I need some time a part to sort out my feelings. Maybe she should stay somewhere else for a few days.. I don't know if that is something you are willing to do.. I just think she needs to feel some of what you have been feeling... that feeling like,"Oh God I am going to lose my spouse". Her response may be very telling. If she values you and wants to keep you in her life she may very well give you the answers you need to hear.. I don't know man..

 

It all sucks I know..

 

I will admit though.. you and the others were right about her. That whole ex deal changed my opinion drastically!

 

Thomas

 

 

DB,

 

Most of my friends and family are in a 'I told you so' frame of mind, so I doubt any of them would follow her.

 

The doctor placed me on some mediation for servere stress, anxiety, and to help me stay focused on work. So I am in the right frame of mind.

 

We had a fight about this yesterday, and yesterday was our anniversary! I told her where we stood concerning the ex and the dinner back then. She tried like hell to turn the tables on me by making excuses. "You two were never in the same place at once". How would she know? I thought it was dinner only. I told her that's why they invented the phone -- pick one up and call me; I would have come down.

 

I'm just not buying into it at all to be honest. According to my wife, she was being the bigger person by dumping him over dinner because she has been dumped in the past over the phone, and she finds that method cold and impersonal. It DOESN'T make any sense to me. The guy was using her for sex; I don't think there was any way to be the 'bigger' person as far as I am concerned.

 

Then she went on to say that she was returning his calls to be 'nice', uh... did I miss something? She already told this guy 'goodbye' and he didn't like the idea of being friends, so again her actions don't make any sense. Anyone with an ounce of brains would know that returning this guy's phone calls would only antagonize the situation further. It sounds like my wife is a liar.