Strange feelings about wife's work colleagues strange behavior. What do you think?

[Darth Vader]

There won't be a "right" time to talk to these women, so, just go and do it. As far as rumors starting up, it's quite apparent that they are already started up about her, and what she's doing, the sooner you start looking around and asking questions, the sooner you'll get your answers. When you do show your wife the evidence be prepared to be blamed for HER actions, for snooping, etc, she will turn it around on you, don't let her!

[whatiswrong]

Apparently she is having rough sex, but , not with you! I suggest that if you can afford it, hire a PI, in the very least, install a good keylogger. I could be wrong, but, it sounds like she's riding someone, possibly from work.

 

The bruising and scratches stopped after she lost her car in an accident last year.

 

The keylogger option has been considered.

[doiask42much]

Whatiswrong, I often lurk (read posts but don't comment, especially on serious posts like these) because I fear giving people bad advice, especially where marriage is concerned, as I have no experience with it. I know I lack the wisdom and maturity of some of the other posters and I'd rather give no advice than bad advice, so please don't feel like you're being ignored. (I felt that way too, initially.)

 

I DO have experience with infidelity (cheater), however, and I think you are right to be concerned, but I have nothing new to add in terms of how to approach your wife about your concerns.

 

Repeated bruises in these areas, definitely weird. Then they stopped appearing. Weird also. And I've never had my bra come unlatched on its before, ever. And I haven't heard of women unhooking them partially to ease the supposed discomfort of wearing a bra, as that wouldn't really do anything. Either it's on or it's off.

 

If anything, I tend to feel you have most of the red flags but I don't want to incite you to do something you may regret in the event that there's a good explanation for everything. Have you asked her more about the stress and expressed the emotional distance you feel as of late? Has she been gone more than usual?

 

Some people are better about covering stuff up than others. Some are hypervigilant not to mention the other person, as JayLK said. And I know I made a point of not decreasing the frequency of sex for fear of being detected, so you can't count on that either. If anything, some people overcompensate. No one thinks you're crazy or wrote your post poorly. I think you've done everything right so far. I know I would not have your restraint and would have come out with accusations flying, so props to you for not doing that.

 

Good luck to you in figuring your situation out.

[doiask42much]

From your last post, then, it sounds like she WAS (maybe) having an affair but now isn't?

 

It will be pretty hard to figure out/prove after the fact if it's not going on anymore.

 

It would appear that her moodiness is over her lost paramour. I've heard people use the "gay" alibi before too. Now that you drive her about, she can't see him really, unless it's happening during lunchtime?

 

If it's over and you possibly never get the chance to figure out what happened, will you be okay with that?

[Darth Vader]

The bruising and scratches stopped after she lost her car in an accident last year.

 

The keylogger option has been considered.

 

 

So? That only means that she couldn't get around as easily without you knowing about it. People will put affairs on hold for a while until things cool off, I've seen it done!

[whatiswrong]

From your last post, then, it sounds like she WAS (maybe) having an affair but now isn't?

 

It will be pretty hard to figure out/prove after the fact if it's not going on anymore.

 

It would appear that her moodiness is over her lost paramour. I've heard people use the "gay" alibi before too. Now that you drive her about, she can't see him really, unless it's happening during lunchtime?

 

If it's over and you possibly never get the chance to figure out what happened, will you be okay with that?

 

After losing the car she made a big deal about getting a second one. When she had her car, I remember one incident when she left for work real early. Usually she wakes me up before leaving just so I know she is going, but that morning she didn't. According to her she couldn't wake me up. Later that day (after work) she came home and had some story about leaving for work too early (something about thinking it was later than it really was), and according to her, she stopped at some rest stop by her job to kill some time. This was all brought to my attention without me questioning anything.

So, this is the type of stuff I am talking about.

 

 

doiask42much, I know you have been on the other side of the fence (and I am sure it takes great courage on your part to even admit it -- I thank you), but would you mind posting some of the things you did for comparison reasons? What were you saying to cover things up? Do the things I post mirror what you have done? If this is too much to ask I completely understand. I'm not looking to act on someone else's words -- just need some help because I don't want to screw this up.

 

Would I be able to live with it? Well, we're still together so I guess I can.

[Darth Vader]

You may not be able to live with it, because your life would be a lie since the time the cheating occured.

[whatiswrong]

You may not be able to live with it, because your life would be a lie since the time the cheating occured.

 

Good point.... but I need solid proof first.

[Darth Vader]

Not to rush you, but, how's the keylogger thing going? Also make sure that you don't have this web site saved anywhere, no autotype save, nothing. Be sure to clear all cookies, and web history! If your wife were to see this, she'd know that you're on to her and really cover her tracks!

[whatiswrong]

Not to rush you, but, how's the keylogger thing going? Also make sure that you don't have this web site saved anywhere, no autotype save, nothing. Be sure to clear all cookies, and web history! If your wife were to see this, she'd know that you're on to her and really cover her tracks!

 

I have the keylogger but nothing has shown up yet.

 

Yup! Check... I hate snooping like this but if it means feeling better inside then it will be worth it in the end. How long should I use the Keylogger for? I'm thinking that if no suspicious activity is logged in 'x' amount of days / time -- it’s probably safe to say that if anything is going on it’s not happening on the computer.

[JayLK]

I never used a keylogger program to catch my wife (the OM called the house; pretty simple, eh?) so I can't say how long it should stay installed on the computer.

 

However I will say this..... if keeping it on the computer for 2 weeks, 8 months, or 1 year will make you feel better then by all means do what is necessary.

 

Just remember that it may take some time before you find anything tangible. On the other side of things, your wife could be clean and not cheating, and the keylogger may never find anything suspect at all. Just saying to be prepared either way.

 

I wish you luck in you solving this mess.

[JayLK]

Oh... did you ever approach that gay couple? Just wondering how it turned out.

[Darth Vader]

I have the keylogger but nothing has shown up yet.

 

Yup! Check... I hate snooping like this but if it means feeling better inside then it will be worth it in the end. How long should I use the Keylogger for? I'm thinking that if no suspicious activity is logged in 'x' amount of days / time -- it’s probably safe to say that if anything is going on it’s not happening on the computer.

 

 

Ok, good. You're doing all that you can. As far as leaving the keylogger on the system, if it don't slow the computer down, and if it's not one of those that can be detected by a spyware remover program, I'd just leave it up. She may or may not even be using the computer, yet. But if it goes for maybe like a year, well, I dunno really about that one. Some cheaters are really smart, and know about stuff like this keylogger and stay away from computers. Is there another computer that she uses at home? I know that you couldn't do anything about the one at her work, but, if there was something going on, she would want to keep in touch somehow! I really hope that you got a good keylogger.

[whatiswrong]

Ok, good. You're doing all that you can. As far as leaving the keylogger on the system, if it don't slow the computer down, and if it's not one of those that can be detected by a spyware remover program, I'd just leave it up. She may or may not even be using the computer, yet. But if it goes for maybe like a year, well, I dunno really about that one. Some cheaters are really smart, and know about stuff like this keylogger and stay away from computers. Is there another computer that she uses at home? I know that you couldn't do anything about the one at her work, but, if there was something going on, she would want to keep in touch somehow! I really hope that you got a good keylogger.

 

 

The program I purchased is a key logger / spy program that even monitors e-mail, so for the money I spent it better be good!

 

I'm not concerned about the computer at her job because it's monitored by a network admin, and they have a strict, private e-mail / surfing rule there. People have been terminated in the past for using the company's network for non-business related activities. (One person was fired for repeatedly checking her Hotmail account).

[Darth Vader]

WOW! Talk about cracking the whip! Ok, I'd say that'd be a NO, that she can't do that at work then! Have you checked her cell phone, text messages, or does she cling to it like her life depended upon it? Have you had your little chat with the sisters? Better do it soon, no time like the present! Well, get MOVING!!!

[sb129]

I have been catching up on this thread after a few days off LS.

 

WIW, after some of your further posts regarding the bruises and scratches, I really do think your wife is up to something with someone.

those kind of injuries don't just happen.

As a woman, the only time I have ever had such injuries is if during my student days when I fell over drunk a couple of times, or during sex...

And my bra has never just come undone on its own.

 

I really hope things work out for you though, and for now, as tough as it may be, I think your approach is the right one.

[PollyIvy]

I still feel that talking to the neighbors is weird. A lot of people REALLY do not want to get involved in other people's dirty laundry. If I had a colleague fooling around on their S, and the S asked me, I would probably not tattle on my colleague, but I would be angry at both for being put on the spot.

Or are you trying to cause her major public humilation and discomfort at work? I didn't really get that feeling from your posts - you do not seem punitive, just worried.

Why don't you give your wife a chance to come clean with a little threat? Tell her you are going to ask the neighbors about her. Since it is TRUE, as you are actually planning to do it, she will be able to tell that you mean it. See what she has to say before you ruin her reputation (if she hasn't already ruined it herself).

[whatiswrong]

WOW! Talk about cracking the whip! Ok, I'd say that'd be a NO, that she can't do that at work then! Have you checked her cell phone, text messages, or does she cling to it like her life depended upon it? Have you had your little chat with the sisters? Better do it soon, no time like the present! Well, get MOVING!!!

 

Luckily my wife and I don't have cellphones so there is no need to fish around for information regarding calls. The program I bought does a ton of things and it was well worth the money I spent. It's on my network at home (which I set up) so anything I find is considered legal by law (yes, I did my homework on this too).

[Trimmer]

I still feel that talking to the neighbors is weird. A lot of people REALLY do not want to get involved in other people's dirty laundry. If I had a colleague fooling around on their S, and the S asked me, I would probably not tattle on my colleague, but I would be angry at both for being put on the spot.

I think the key here is not to go to them and say "I have suspicions about my wife, do you guys know anything?", but to approach it like someone here said earlier: "hey you guys seemed so friendly before, but I feel like there's some distance between us for some reason. If it's something we did, or something I should know about, I'd like the chance to hear about it so I can apologize and put things right..."

 

This way, you aren't adding anything to the rumor mill (suspicions about your wife), and it gives them easy face-saving ways out (oh, we've just been really busy, nothing personal) if either there's nothing that they know about or if they aren't willing to talk to you about it.

 

On the other hand, if your wife is doing something behind your back that they know about, they are likely to be sympathetic to you - perhaps they are just wrestling with the awkward old question of "should we tell?" In that case, your friendly approach may just tip the scales enough that they would fill you in, if they do know something.

 

But this approach keeps your suspicions about your wife off the table, so you don't add any rumor-mill fuel to the fire. It doesn't even have to be about work, just ask about it from the perspective of being neighbors, and see what that opens up.

[whatiswrong]

I have been catching up on this thread after a few days off LS.

 

WIW, after some of your further posts regarding the bruises and scratches, I really do think your wife is up to something with someone.

those kind of injuries don't just happen.

As a woman, the only time I have ever had such injuries is if during my student days when I fell over drunk a couple of times, or during sex...

And my bra has never just come undone on its own.

 

I really hope things work out for you though, and for now, as tough as it may be, I think your approach is the right one.

 

 

 

Thank you for your message.... I know in my heart those kinds of bruises / scratches just don't happen and hearing the same thing from you reaffirms my feelings. After losing her car, the scratching and bruises disappeared. I mentioned the bruising / scratches to my wife out of concern when they first showed up last year, but she swore up and down it was probably work related. These bruises were a sick yellow around the edges and black in the center; they looked like 'grab' marks or something forceful was done to her skin.

 

These injuries were consistent some days and others it would be random, but something was going on from what I could tell.

 

She flipped when I asked her if anything was wrong at work; I planned on going into the office and confronting a superior about the bruising, etc., because I was really concerned. This never happened due to my wife's erratic nature / response, but now I am wondering if I should have done it.

 

I'm worried about ruining my wife's reputation at work, hence my hesitation to speak to the gay couple -- but it feels like things are slowly closing in on me and the things around me.

 

I'm also noticing a change in my wife as of late. I know things have been stressful with money (which happens to all of us at one point) but I notice that she doesn't laugh at my jokes anymore and see seems 'out' there in a different train of thought. Yes, I have been talking to her about all this, and she seems so sweet and convincing when she says its stress related to work / money and not us.

[sb129]

There is definitely something going on. If my BF came home with bruises like that and insisted they were 'nothing' I would definitely want to know where they came from, if for nothing more than knowing who 'hurt' him!

 

Obviously confronting your wife hasn't thrown up anything to date, but my guess is that eventually she will either slip up, or get so fed up with the deception that she will tell you. Either that, or someone else will.

 

Keep your head high, I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be to have to go about your daily life as if nothing as untoward.

 

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[Impudent Oyster]

Always go with your gut...I truly believe that. If you think something fishy is happening my guess is that it is.

 

Say NOTHING, lay low and keep your eyes and ears open. By all means DO NOT confront your wife again. All that will do is make her more careful.

 

Have patience, she needs to feel comfortable again and that you're not suspicious, it's only then that she'll trip up. The truth will come out, eventually.

[Darth Vader]

She "Flipped"? You know what they say, anger is an admission to guilt! She's up to something, or has been!

[Darth Vader]

Just remember, when you do find out what she's been doing, DON'T let her turn it around on you, because she WILL! She'll blame you for her affair if you let her, like, oh, you haven't been meeting my needs bullcrap! Or, it just happened! Yeah right, you tripped and had sex with someone else........

[whatiswrong]

Just remember, when you do find out what she's been doing, DON'T let her turn it around on you, because she WILL! She'll blame you for her affair if you let her, like, oh, you haven't been meeting my needs bullcrap! Or, it just happened! Yeah right, you tripped and had sex with someone else........

 

My wife's favorite excuse is 'I forgot' or ' I didn't remember'..... I just want everything to work out!