Strange feelings about wife's work colleagues strange behavior. What do you think?

[Kislette]

I think your wife wants to trust you enough to be honest with you but she's afraid and uncomfortable with it. It sounds like her past experiences taught her NOT to trust anyone and she doesn't know how to behave any differently. It sounds like you've already made a commitment to try to make your marriage work, so I'd advise you to discuss with the marriage counselor what you can do to help your wife feel more comfortable being honest with you.

[Cobra_X30]

I agree with Kislette. Your wife needs to be able to trust you, before she can open up. It needs to be the two of you against the world. She wants to regain your trust, but remember you also want to have her trust. Perhaps in a different way.

[Darth Vader]

Thank you for the words of encouragement... all of you! I am doing everything I can to stay positive through all this. We had a great day on Saturday with no issues at all. We saw the new Die Hard movie and overall it was a quiet, great day. Sunday was a different story though. She brought up the EX again in an attempt to regain my trust. She went on to say that nothing happened between them and that she wants to regain my trust again.

 

"I want you know that I love you so much" she said on Sunday. "I don't want you to feel that I am fantasizing about other men while we're being intimate." There was a time when she would think about other people while being intimate with me, but she blamed it on her metal illness and tried to assure me that she would push those images aside. Of course, this hasn’t happened in quite some time, so it was the furthest thing from my mind on Sunday until she brought it up again. According to my wife I please her sexual in every way, so try to fathom the on-going confusion this is causing me.

 

But yeah, we had a 'great' Sunday. lol

 

 

I dunno, that sounds darn strange to me that she would blurt that out like that for no apparent reason. To me it looks like she giving herself away by trying to reassure you that nothing is going on. It's almost like a Paradox, like someone points a gun at you fully loaded and says they'll never shoot you kinda thing. Almost sounds like a mind game to me.

[whichwayisup]

She brought up the EX again in an attempt to regain my trust. She went on to say that nothing happened between them and that she wants to regain my trust again.

 

She's over compensating, anyway, that is how it seems to me from what you've said. I dunno, I would keep the eyes and ears open...

 

that sounds darn strange to me that she would blurt that out like that for no apparent reason. To me it looks like she giving herself away by trying to reassure you that nothing is going on.

 

I agree 100%. Why bring it up?

[whatiswrong]

It all sounds strange to me as well!

 

My head is spinning from her odd behavior and I am finding it very difficult to cope some days.

 

I pray the MC can help us; as it stands my nerves are on edge despite being on medication to calm them. I am doing everything I can to stay focused on my work as this continues to unfold. Some days are easier than others, but today I am feeling a bit ill. I love this woman very much but what could I possibly be looking at? I don't mean to ask such a direct question because I realize the good people here are not therapists; only the MC can say what is really happening in my marriage and what can be expected in the near future.

 

I have already made my mind up about a few things: If I find out that she has been doing something behind my back -- and if I discover that she has been feeding me lies all this time -- then I will have to leave her; I have to take care of myself afterall. I don't want to -- I want things to work out for us, but right now it feels like everything is going crazy.

 

I pray everyday for resolve and salvation...

 

I also haven't eaten much in days.... I don't have much of an appetite.

[Lynna]

It all sounds strange to me as well!

 

My head is spinning from her odd behavior and I am finding it very difficult to cope some days.

 

I also haven't eaten much in days.... I don't have much of an appetite.

 

Yes, her behavior is strange, but then it sounds like she has some big issues to work through. Therapy makes you confront those and they will wander through your mind at VERY odd times. My H has been dealing with random thoughts from his own issues like that. It does make you as the spouse uncomfortable. But her healing is going to be a long process, it won't happen quickly. You may very well experience more of this kind of behavior as she comes to grips with herself.

 

The important thing you need to do right now is stay healthy yourself. Take care of yourself. Try and eat, at least get some protein shakes or powerbars. Also try and get some exercise a few times a week, that will help you relieve some of the stress, give you some time on your own, and will release good chemicals into your system. Regular exercise will also help you sleep, jog, bike, work out, play some basketball or whatever you enjoy for just a half hour three times a week or so. You are both in for a rough road as you try to rebuild your relationship. But you need to stay strong and healthy to deal with all the stress you still have ahead of you.

[mandy2]

she cheating

[InvisibleTouch]

Somehow you have to show outwardly that you are strong. Whatever you do do not cave in or show weakness. You can be supportive and loving but maintain a strong facade regardless of your inner turmoil.

 

I dont know and this may be wrong but maybe you should withdraw a little too in order to stir her feelings and emotions. If she thinks that she is losing you that may start to make her realise the enormity of what she is doing or has done. You are the prize now not her and she is the one who has to get her finger out to save the marriage. All you can show is that if she does put in the effort and display actions that show she is genuine then you can show that they will be well received. You have nothing to step up to when it comes to proving your love. She has to step up and she needs to know this. She has it all to lose if she doesn't make an effort now. You on the otherhand have everything to gain by being married to an honest, loyal and faithful wife.

 

I say it again, you are the prize not her in this scenario. Logic supports the fact that if someone said to you that you could marry a lying, betraying, cheating whore you probably would say no. She has to prove that she isn't. This isn't about you proving your worth.

[Cobra_X30]

I was just wondering what kind of strategy I would take in your situation. I have really narrowed it down to 2 that I have seen work.

 

1. Be patient, work on yourself and the marriage. Go out of your way to be romantic... poems, hand picked flowers ect. Tell her that no matter what happens you will always stand by her. Build her trust in you until she opens up and really lets you into what she is going through.

 

2. Tell her straight out that the things she has told you make no logical sense, and unless she comes out and is 100% honest your leaving for good. This will ellicit a really bad response, however she has to believe that even if she chops off her hand you may call 911 but your still gone forever.

 

I think #1 is going to work best in your situation. I say that because reading your story Im still just 50/50 on whether your wife was cheating.

 

Anyone else have ideas?

[whatiswrong]

Thank you everyone for your support!

 

We have another MC meeting this afternoon, so I will post an update after it happens.

 

I have told my wife before that she makes no logical sense, and I have threatened to leave if she didn't tell me the 100% truth. She kept sticking to her story, so like others here -- I am 50/50 on whether she cheated or is cheating on me. I can only pray that MC will bring the truth to the surface whatever it may be.

 

BTW: My wife tried to talk me out of attending therapy today which I declined. She wanted us to stay home and spend time together, but I refused her idea -- I told her that it's important that we attend today's MC session. We have plenty of time ahead of us to spend it together quietly. I assume this is what everyone means by standing firm?

[dbtmarley]

I was just wondering what kind of strategy I would take in your situation. I have really narrowed it down to 2 that I have seen work.

 

1. Be patient, work on yourself and the marriage. Go out of your way to be romantic... poems, hand picked flowers ect. Tell her that no matter what happens you will always stand by her. Build her trust in you until she opens up and really lets you into what she is going through.

 

2. Tell her straight out that the things she has told you make no logical sense, and unless she comes out and is 100% honest your leaving for good. This will ellicit a really bad response, however she has to believe that even if she chops off her hand you may call 911 but your still gone forever.

 

I think #1 is going to work best in your situation. I say that because reading your story Im still just 50/50 on whether your wife was cheating.

 

Anyone else have ideas?

 

 

Anyone else have ideas? Nope I like yours best!

 

Which,

 

Like Cobra said I am still on the fence about your wife cheating. No doubt she has done and said some questionable things. I guess what it really boils down to is how much you love her and want to be with her. You and I both know that this is killing you inside. What I wonder is just how much more of it can you take.

 

I wonder if you can pull off doing #1 from above and be 100% true to yourself and to her. Do you see yourself ever being happy with this woman after finding out what little you have? I know it will be a time thing for you and I have to be honest, you have been very logical and patient with her. You are a much better man than me and I mean that.

[whichwayisup]

We have another MC meeting this afternoon, so I will post an update after it happens.

 

I have told my wife before that she makes no logical sense, and I have threatened to leave if she didn't tell me the 100% truth. She kept sticking to her story, so like others here -- I am 50/50 on whether she cheated or is cheating on me. I can only pray that MC will bring the truth to the surface whatever it may be.

 

Keep making it clear for her that NOW is the time to spill it and spill it ALL. (you might want to read Thumbingmyway's threads, do a site search on his name and his threads will come up.)

BTW: My wife tried to talk me out of attending therapy today which I declined. She wanted us to stay home and spend time together, but I refused her idea -- I told her that it's important that we attend today's MC session. We have plenty of time ahead of us to spend it together quietly. I assume this is what everyone means by standing firm?

 

Don't you find that suspicious behaviour? Any red flags flapping? Like she's scared to go because the 'truth' is gonna actually come out and she'll LOSE the OM (which I doubt she's ready to lose, let alone own up to her mistakes because honestly, from the way she's acting, she isn't thinking she's done much wrong...affair fog) and have to work on the marriage, let alone, herself.

 

Yes, stand strong and don't give in.

[ThumbingMyWay]

BTW: My wife tried to talk me out of attending therapy today which I declined. She wanted us to stay home and spend time together, but I refused her idea -- I told her that it's important that we attend today's MC session. We have plenty of time ahead of us to spend it together quietly. I assume this is what everyone means by standing firm?

 

 

I have nto read this thread in detail...just bits.

 

but this stood out to me.....red flag....wish i would have saw it.

 

 

My wife did not want to go sometimes....sometimes wanted to waith 3 weeks between session...etc..

 

keep in mind....MC is to help dig deep and explore and come clean.....and when someone is hiding something...an response would be not to go or to wait till next time....anything to by time.......

 

FYI...My wife contioued her affair for 8 months of MC....before she finnaly came clean...

[whatiswrong]

I have nto read this thread in detail...just bits.

 

but this stood out to me.....red flag....wish i would have saw it.

 

 

My wife did not want to go sometimes....sometimes wanted to waith 3 weeks between session...etc..

 

keep in mind....MC is to help dig deep and explore and come clean.....and when someone is hiding something...an response would be not to go or to wait till next time....anything to by time.......

 

FYI...My wife contioued her affair for 8 months of MC....before she finnaly came clean...

 

TMW,

 

 

I am really sad to hear your story regarding your wife. In the end, I guess we're all in the same boat. I told my wife we would be attending today and that is exactly what we did. The MC talked to us both, and the therapist told my wife that she has a difficult time placing words with her emotions, which she does. The therapist also explained that my wife has a tendency to protect people from the truth, which the therapist sees as a constant, reoccurring thing. This made my wife cry... I was there in support of her.

 

The therapist then told me to explain how the OM incident made me feel and I looked at my wife and told her how I felt. I also said (right in front of the MC) that there will not be a second time, because I will end the marriage if it ever happens again. Plus, I told my wife that I wanted the truth the day it happens, and I don't want her to tell me what she thinks I want to hear. I told her that such behavior isn't going to work in our marriage. I also added that I would love her no matter what, but at the same time I must value myself as a person.

 

My wife apologized for the incident and went on to say that she really, truly loves me and realizes what a mistake it was. Problem is, my wife kept discussing the guilt she harbored regarding the ex incident, and I could tell this puzzled the MC a bit. If the get-together was cordial then there should be no guilt other than she lied to me about it.

 

The MC looked at my wife and blatantly said that her past actions cannot be changed, but what matters today is that she doesn't repeat the same actions again. The MC also touched on my wife's depression and those so-called 'unwanted' thoughts she's had of other men while being intimate with me. My wife looked at me and said 'those thoughts weren't me' and the MC interrupted and said 'Those thoughts are you, but that doesn't mean you don't love your husband or don't find him attractive." The MC went on to explain that its normal for unwanted thoughts to intrude during intimacy, but there is a fine line between pushing those thoughts away ( and knowing they're not how you feel) and acting on them. She said the same thing about the flirting issues I've had with her.

 

 

In all honesty, I believe the MC is concerned about my wife. The MC did state that my wife isn't lying to me; she just has difficulty discussing her feelings the way they are.

 

We have another session next Thursday, so hopefully we will continue to make progress.

[ThumbingMyWay]

We have another session next Thursday, so hopefully we will continue to make progress.

 

good, stay at it....dont wander from your goal....learn and grow.....and if you see W slipping in the progress....call her on it....

 

MC... and this whole ***in affair in general really woke me up...made me AWARE....

 

Stand firm and let her know this is VERY serious stuff....which it sounds like you did....by stating YOU WILL END THE MARRIAGE.....thats good....she need to know there are consequences...REAL LIFE consequences....

 

good luck brother...

[whatiswrong]

Don't you find that suspicious behaviour? Any red flags flapping? Like she's scared to go because the 'truth' is gonna actually come out and she'll LOSE the OM (which I doubt she's ready to lose, let alone own up to her mistakes because honestly, from the way she's acting, she isn't thinking she's done much wrong...affair fog) and have to work on the marriage, let alone, herself.

 

 

I found it very suspicious and that is why I refused to cancel today's meeting. We're going to therapy until we either 1) work things out and the truth is told or 2.) We get divorced. Plain and simple... I really hate being so black and white on the issue, but she has left me no choice in the matter.

[Darth Vader]

Keep going, the REAL truth will unfold.

[InvisibleTouch]

Great strength whatiswrong. For sure you appear to be doing everything right. Your wifes conflict is, although intolerable, quite sad and your empathy knows this which makes it all so much harder.

 

I hope you feel that you are in a postion of strength because your wife will pick up on this vibe and respect it enourmously even though she may be scared stiff.

 

Im not sure you should push to find out what happened. Maybe rather accept that detail aside, your marriage reached the brink from which you are now both trying to retrieve it from. The reason I say this is that it sounds as though your wife loves you completely in her own way and therefore may ultimately warrant a second chance. Controversial I know but I think you can help her if you stick with it.

[ThumbingMyWay]

OK

 

I have read the whole thread…

 

I understand your wifes background….I understand why she is the way she is. My wife had a ***ed up childhood too……

 

 

MY gut tells me she is scared to death…..she is scared of losing you…she knows you are something shes never had before…and she don’t want to lose you….

 

Honestly….I don’t think she is cheating on you….or is in an affair….but for what ever reason she feels a lot of guilt in meeting OM for dinner. Did something take place there??? that I don’t know…maybe, maybe not.

 

Either way…she is scared of losing you…..and she will continue to lie in order to save you form leaving.

 

What she needs from you, is trust that you will be there for her. She does seem afraid to tell people the truth for fear of hurting them…or her looking bad in there eyes.

 

You made a statement above that you already decided you will leave her if she cheated or is cheating. Did you tell her that? cuase if you did….it will be tooth and nails to get the truth out now…

 

Think about it. If I did xyz. And you said, if you ever do xyz, I will divorce you. You think I would tell you I did xyz? No I will dance all day around it.

 

I think she does love you very much…and she knows what she has and is deeply scared of losing you. She has a big fear that if she tells you everything…you will do as her mother did…..look down on her and leave her.

 

She wants to be honest with you…but she don’t know how…..seems like her whole life has been about trying to please others…..if I do this they will like me.

 

If you and her ever want to come to a honest complete relationship….then she needs to learn how to be honest with EVERYTHING…not just bits and pieces.

 

She knows what she has in you…..she just needs to know that if she comes clean on ALL things….she needs to be able to trust that you WONT leave her. You need to help her feel comfortable in being honest. So you can still stand firm….but show your gentleness that you can work thru anything.

 

 

Ya know….alll I wanted was the truth too…..I thought I got it…but it took 8 months for my wife to finally confess….she was scared to death….but with me forgiving her and telling her I aint leaveing…..we will work thru this…..it was a huge relief for her….it gave her hope that ITS much better to be honest….people do forgive and grow…

 

 

Given you wifes past history….I think she needs IC to help her cope and show that life is not like that anymore. I honestly think she is scared to death of losing everything….Truth hurts…..but it don’t have too if 2 people can work thru it.

 

 

stick with the MC….show your wife you are willing to dig deep to get to a better place…no more games…no more lies…no more what ifs….no more deceit.

 

you can get there…complete honest and sharing relationship. My wife and I hide nothing from each other now.

 

stand strong brother….I think you two will be ok….

[whatiswrong]

TMW,

 

Thank you very much for the thoughtful post and analysis of everything. I know my wife loves me and she expresses this to me on a daily basis. The problem with my wife is: she wants everything to be the way it used to be, and that isn't possible. Sure, the therapist is here to help us re-build, but even the therapist has said that certain things may never be the same again, but these things can be re-built so new feelings, etc., can be established. My wife seems to be struggling a little with this idea.

 

The therapist seems to know my wife very well.... the MC has pinpointed my wife's issues, and TMW has really hit the nail on the head (just like others here). My wife has spent so much time trying to protect and please people (i.e. before I came along – meaning her exs when they were together), she has developed a not-so-direct approach towards certain things. Now, according to the Therapist, my wife wasn't lying or being dishonest with me about the ex situation; she did it to protect my feelings despite everything. In her mind she was doing the right thing, but the therapist pointed out that even though my wife's intentions were good, she should be honest instead of trying to protect my feelings. My wife feels compelled to protect me from things because she's afraid of me walking out, but the MC pointed out that protecting me from things isn't going to help the marriage at all. In fact, it will have the opposite effect especially if I find out later.

 

It seems a bit twisted, but apparently my wife is stuck in a repetitious cycle of behavior that needs to be broken... The good news is, the therapy has really been helping us and the tension and fighting between us has lessened greatly.

 

My wife and I have always gotten along, but the tension about the ex subject, etc., is under better control than it was when I first started posting. There's some semblance of harmony in our relationship again! More as it develops!

[IpAncA]

Glad to see there's some progress being made.

[Cobra_X30]

A good woman is more precious than anything. She needs you in a way you may never fully comprehend. It makes me happy to see you moving in the right direction.

[Deanster]

Hi - just chiming in late here. Glad to hear that things are going the right direction.

 

Any progress on a functional explanation for the unexplained absences from work, inner-thigh scratches, strange behaviors noted by colleagues?

 

I'm not a big believer in the idea that an affair ruins a marriage, but it seems like at least your discussion here has focused entirely on this much older ex-boyfriend incident, and ignored some very strange more-recent behavior.

 

I've been married long enough now that if my wife found someone to sleep with who put a smile on her face, I'd be thrilled. That said, I think that abundant inner-thigh and back scratches and work behavior that's squirrely enough to change co-worker's image of you would be enough to get my attention and require some kind of inquiry.

 

Perhaps you've moved on, and I shouldn't even bring it up, but in my observation of the development of the thread, your wife has somehow managed to get you focused on this one long-ago non-event with the ex, and totally off the track on the recent incidents that prompted your initial concern.

 

Best of luck!

[whatiswrong]

Hi - just chiming in late here. Glad to hear that things are going the right direction.

 

Any progress on a functional explanation for the unexplained absences from work, inner-thigh scratches, strange behaviors noted by colleagues?

 

I'm not a big believer in the idea that an affair ruins a marriage, but it seems like at least your discussion here has focused entirely on this much older ex-boyfriend incident, and ignored some very strange more-recent behavior.

 

I've been married long enough now that if my wife found someone to sleep with who put a smile on her face, I'd be thrilled. That said, I think that abundant inner-thigh and back scratches and work behavior that's squirrely enough to change co-worker's image of you would be enough to get my attention and require some kind of inquiry.

 

Perhaps you've moved on, and I shouldn't even bring it up, but in my observation of the development of the thread, your wife has somehow managed to get you focused on this one long-ago non-event with the ex, and totally off the track on the recent incidents that prompted your initial concern.

 

Best of luck!

 

 

Thank you all for your support. Dean, you make some valid points, and I haven't forgotten -- I'm just taking things in steps instead throwing everything on the table at once.

 

It may not bother some people, but having my wife screw another man is a big turn off and in my opinion defeats the purpose of marriage. You marry someone because they're suppose to be your everything, and sneaking off to have sex with someone else is a blow to your love, intimate life, your vows, it devalues trust, and it also means your wife isn't being truthful when she says you're pleasing her in bed. Just my take on things...

 

You're right about it, though -- it does seem like the focus has been taken off the other things that have lead me to this point, but thanks for bringing it up -- like I said: I had every intention of bringing it up in therapy.

[whichwayisup]

Some people cannot forgive their spouse enough to work on the marriage, let alone forget enough to move past it and fix things. AND, that is okay. Some can forgive, can work on the marriage, try their hardest to make it work, but it doesn't work. And some move through it and make their marriage better (albeit different) than before.

 

Keep going with therapy, hopefully she'll change her mind and join you. IF not, atleast you are dealing with your own issues and feelings. And then later, you can decide what is best if she isn't willing to pull her weight.