struggling...

[icecreamhelps]

Hi, everyone, I am new....just needed to get some stuff off my chest, and read that there are other people like me in relatively similar situations right now.

 

About 4 years ago, I met "Joe" over the summer. We were friends, but lived across the country from one another, so I didn't think much of the small crush I had on him. We kept in touch pretty well, saw each other every summer, and dated other people (seriously) for a couple of years. When we finally decided to get together, it was his pursuing me that did it. He was a wonderful long-distance boyfriend....enough of one to make me want to move closer to him. So, I packed up my things, left my old college friends and familiar things, and moved to a different WORLD. All on my own, with a handful of friends here (most of whom I had met through him), I struggled to make everything work out. I put everything I had into this relationship, and it just didn't work. We spent too much time together, I think...and decided that some space would be great. Of course, I thought a week or two would suffice, and he had a little bit of a different idea. After two months of barely seeing him, he went home for Christmas break, and I stayed at school to work. I met a lot of new friends, who, after hearing my feelings about the situation, encouraged me to break up with him until he missed me. Unfortunately, it kind of backfired, and "Joe" (although he insists that he misses me) keeps in touch even less. I am dating a new guy, with this huge lump in my throat, and I am completely miserable. "Joe" has said over and over that he wants to marry me, but needs to "act his age" for a while. Is this a no-good dude, or just your average 22 year-old who wants to have his cake and eat it too?

 

Help!

[Tony T]

At 22 years of age, he may not nearly be ready to put himself heart and soul into a relationship. Four years ago when you met him he was a wee teenager.

 

If you feel you ARE ready for that, you may need to look for an older male or someone more mature and emotionally settled. Unfortunately, we can be attracted to many aspects of a person who is very wrong for us...at least in terms of timing.

 

Anybody who feels he needs to act his age for a while is not ready for anything so serious as a committed relationship. And you have no idea exactly what he means by acting his age...which emotionally could be 12.

[HokeyReligions]

"Joe" has said over and over that he wants to marry me, but needs to "act his age" for a while.

 

To my ears this is a euphemism for "I wanna screw as much as I possibly can, and I want to keep you on the shelf in case I don't have a date, or don't find anyone I like better"

 

His mother probably told him that he's only young once and his dad told him to not waste his youth and end up tied down too soon.

 

I wouldn't want to be back-up or filler (or icing) for anyone.

[Dragonflys]

Respectfully of course..I'm not always right..

 

But I admire him for being honest. Better that than trying to make something work he doesn't have his heart in right now. He is leaving you free to do what you want as well.

 

It's up to you whether you formally break it off, but you should do so. Let him see what it is like with a complete breakup. You are responsible for keeping yourself hanging there so far.

 

Maybe if you keep in occasional contact as friends for a while he may realise the closeness he had with you was what he really wanted after all. I wouldn't count on it, but it may happen. In the meantime look for another guy who can give you the same thing. Where there is one, there are bound to be many more.

 

Oliver

[icecreamhelps]

we decided to not talk as much, and not hang out almost at all last night. i am going away this weekend to avoid sitting at home feeling sorry for myself....thanks for the advice guy, it's really hard to see clearly when someone's got your heart in a choke-hold. you were right about "joe", and i know i can do better.