Husband's friendship with a co-worker

[Daysi]

My husband has been working with a married co-worker for about 10 years. At first, I was not bothered by their friendship, and even referred to her as his work wife. I thought she was a nice person.

 

But over time, they've gotten more close, and at one point he shared with me that she was complaining about her husband to him. When I said this was inappropriate, my husband disagreed.

 

One time, my husband wrote an email telling her that no one understands him that way that she does. He said this was shared after they'd had a break in their friendship due to some personal trauma she'd experienced, and he was just telling her what she means to him. However, she's shared the same sentiment in previous emails to him and when I asked him to stop the friendship because they were getting to close, he told me he needed her.

 

They work at their friendship, and if one person does something nice for the other, they call it a deposit. Due to the nature of their jobs, they are reliant on each other to complete their tasks. My husband says they very rarely disagree.

 

As they both are fully aware, I've become very uncomfortable with the friendship, particularly since neither one of them has been able to make any other friends for years, and rely on each other for that aspect of life. My husband used to tell me that he would not share his deep emotions with her, but now he tells me that he tells me how he is feeling first, then he talks to her. This makes me feel supplanted, that if I am supporting him when he has a problem, he has in his mind that he's going to run it by her, too. And worse, she's a back up if I'm not hitting the spot for him. This wouldn't feel so off if he had lots of friends, but she's his only one, which indicates an intimacy that is similar to ours. I am also concerned that private things I share with him about my life are relayed to her, for her digestion and judgement.

 

Every time I tell him that this relationship bothers me, he says I am insecure due to past issues--my mother's death, my father's alcoholism, etc. They have discussed my feelings, and my husband says, and she thinks they should end the friendship if it bothers me, as our marriage should come first. When I affirmed to my husband that it does cause me pain, he said that he just needed to know that she she *would* be willing, because that confirms for him that she's not after him. He has decided that they should keep being friends and not be subject to my fears and insecurities. I don't understand why she doesn't try to talk to me, and help me understand their relationship since, according to my husband, she cares about my feelings. Instead, she'll say things to him such as, "I wish you guys could be my child's godparents, but your wife doesn't like me." That just came across as an attempt to make herself look like a victim of his evil wife, who is trying to keep them apart.

 

Sometimes I feel as though I am a big joke to them, someone they have to tolerate grudgingly. My husband assures me this is not the case. But then I found this email where she mocked a detailed anniversary trip itinerary that he'd inexplicably forwarded to her, and said, "it doesn't leave much time for emailing." I didn't understand why she assumed he would be interested in emailing her when he was on anniversary trip with his wife, or why she needed to know the details of where we'd be.

 

There's more, as you can imagine after 10 years of this, but these should give you a gist of the situation. I was wondering if it appears that I am overexaggerating a simple friendship. In your opinion, is it OK for a husband to have a work wife?

 

Daysi

[LucreziaBorgia]

This "friendship" is a cancer in your marriage. There is nothing simple or innocent about an emotional affair, and I would bet some hard cash money that their affair is physical as well.

 

Here's the painful truth. Affairs don't end for altruistic reasons. There will never be a time where your husband wakes up one day, and says "you know, this hurts my wife - maybe I should stop". The only way this will end if it is forced to end. How to force it to end? The only incentive for him to end it will have to be a great loss if he doesn't end it. That can happen through exposure to his work, exposure to OW's H, family, or boyfriend - and the one that will seal the deal: the divorce papers. See a lawyer, and find out if you are in a fault or no fault state. Have the lawyer hire you a PI to get the hard proof you need in order to make the grounds stick. Next, get the papers drawn up and make sure you get the best settlement that you can. Arrange to name the OW in the settlement and sue for alienation of affection and criminal conversation if your state has those laws.

 

Then, when the settlement is done and the papers are drawn up, take them home. Have your husband sit down with you and hand him the divorce papers. Tell him that either his affair ends, or you will sign the papers and move on with your life. When he sees that he stands to lose everything, and that it will break his ass to pay out to you in alimony - THEN he might start thinking that his "work wife" isn't quite worth what he stands to lose. He will see that he has one choice: dump the OW, or lose you and everything he owns in a divorce.

 

Unfortunately, it is only something as drastic as above which will work. He will continue this affair for as long as he knows he doesn't have anything to lose by being in it.

 

It is hard knowing that someone is choosing to be with you, only because they face a great loss if they don't - but this choice is only the beginning. Once the OW is out of his life, and the affair feelings subside - then perhaps with some marital counseling, and individual counseling he will begin to experience true remorse and find that he really does want to be with you again. You have to break the affair first though.

 

This won't be easy. If the affair is a cancer, then think of the exposure/divorce/reconciliation as chemo. It is long, painful, and will debilitate you - but it is the only chance at getting your marriage back, and getting rid of OW.

[Seen_It_All]

I very much agree that this relationship is totally inappropriate. Your husband has cultivated an emotional attachment to this woman, that's very, very obvious. It's very possible it's progressed past that stage to the physical, as well. The one advantage your H has is the fact that she's never been a 'hidden' friend, like alot of other BWs come to find. She's always been a known presence in your lives so that has certainly aided and abetted the progression of this thing (though no fault of yours, mind you).

 

Every time I tell him that this relationship bothers me, he says I am insecure due to past issues--my mother's death, my father's alcoholism, etc.

Nice deflection tactic - making YOU feel your feelings aren't valid or warranted due to prior tragedies in your life. And how nice of him to also discuss YOUR feelings with her so they can psychoanalyze you. Two points for the red team.

 

He obviously feels totally justified in his behavior with this woman, and also feels totally entitled to it, as well. This is indeed a dangerous slippery slope he's gone down, with no end in sight. I think she's an a*ss for the comment she made about your anniversary itinerary and the fact that he wouldn't be available to HER for emailing because he'd be too busy. Puh-lease. How do YOUR anniversary plans become all about HER?

 

Perhaps it's time for a Jesus talk with her husband?

[amerikajin]

I think he/they did not intend to become this close, but they have, and you're right to call them on it. I don't think your husband is intending to get into an emotional affair, and he's defensive because he probably does see her as a close friend - and the rational part of him knows it can't go further than that.

 

At the same time, I suspect you're reading between the lines correctly. I doubt he has crossed the line, but there is the real danger that they could become emotionally involved to the point where this could end up happening. The danger is that he starts going to her for help, supplanting you, as you put it. I think your concerns are justified.

 

The bottom line is that your husband has to understand that his 'friendship' with her has always been expendable. It really should never go past anything other than a good working relationship at the office. Anything else is asking for trouble for a variety of different reasons. I think the best way to deal with this is to get your husband to agree to keep the relationship professional. They can still have coffee in the break room, but no private lunches or anything like that.

[lovely01]

first i want to say i am sorry you are in this situation. hugs for you!!!!!!! i agree with the other post he wont stop unless something drastic happens. hire a pi so you have the proof you need to start the process.your husband need a smack in the face. be strong and stand up for your self

[Sheba]

I agree with the other posters, I am sorry to say.

 

The relationship became inappropriate when they started crossing the marriage boundary - sharing things about their spouses with their friend. I think your husband betrayed you by copying your itinerary to his friend. I doubt that this is the extent of his betrayal.

 

I agree that you need to make a hard choice.

[whichwayisup]

They're too close and married people shouldn't have 'intimate and emotional' feelings for someone else as we all know what that could lead to...

 

You definately have every right to be upset!

 

Every time I tell him that this relationship bothers me, he says I am insecure due to past issues--my mother's death, my father's alcoholism, etc.

That's bullcrap! He is saying that so HE doesn't have to take responsibility! HIS actions are MAKING you feel insecure.

 

Sooner or later that friendship has to end. Either he gets another job, cuts all ties with her or she leaves the job. Living life as things are now is only going to drive you nuts! And yeah, it's manipulative of HER to make herself be the victim in all this. She doesn't respect you at all, if she did, she wouldn't be so close with your husband.

 

So, does HER husband know how close she is with your husband? Another option is, talk to her H, and let him know that you think the 'friendship' is inappropriate..

[Mary3]

I loved Lucrezia Borgia's Post !

 

I feel that this connection is very deep. I also feel that the hubby and the coworker are physical. I also feel his defense of her and wanting to continue keeping her in his life means that you are going to get burned.

 

You can have them seperated BUT none of the tactics will work . They will continue to see eachother.

 

Something smells fishy about her comment of : " You won't be able to email me while you are on your Anniversary. " I strongly feel there is MORE about HER. She MAKES herself available to be his friend, his confidant , his mentor , his go between when you aren't cutting the mustard.

 

You have a full blown emotional affair going on here. Don't kid yourself that they are not hugging , touching , kissing and maybe more.

 

I strongly agree to use your head and not your heart. Get your PI. Get your attorney. If PI discovers nothing is going on then you know its pure emotional. Which btw does end up physical eventually...

 

Tell your husband he has chosen her in times where YOU should have been the friend , the confidant , the mentor and NOW he can have her..

 

Get on with your life. This 3 some isn't feeling so cozy,....

[outofdarkness]

having an emotional affair! This is completely wrong, is slowly eroding the trust that you have in him, and is totally inappropriate in the workplace. Although I am acutely aware that office A's are and always will be there, that does not change the fact that they are wrong and should be treated as such.

 

My thoughts and sentiments go out to you. Also, you might get some great support on the infidelity forum on this. Even though you are completely aware of their friendship, another poster was correct, this is toxic to your marriage. Good luck...You've come to the right place for support! LS is GREAT!!