Changing Myself

[spunkygirl]

Ok. So I have this best friend and she is pretty much my only friend. All my life I have always been a quiet shy person and made some friends here and there but this person is like, the only one that has lasted this long and has meant so much to me and who's ever given me a chance. Problem is. To her, I am a very annoying person. And she tells me how and why and I understand they are things about me that do need changing. Argumentative and stuborn are the too major things...that I can change...I'm also quite unintelligent for my age and very childish..like the way I think things through and handle things is on a childish level. Well, I don't think I can change that, I mean, my friend told me to go read a dictionary because I don't know half the big words she uses all the time, but how am I to know what words people commonly use? Besides the point. What I wish to know is how the heck am I suppose to change how I deal with situations? I mean, everyone deals with them differently. It's all natural reactions. I naturally get defensive and therefore become argumentative. I naturally get a stuborn attitude and therefore..am stuborn. How do I better myself so when the situation comes up I can change the way I respond and act?

 

Also, it's never helped that I have never been a very talkative or lively person. I am a very pessimistic thinker. So I am always thinking and it's always not so good things. But even if I am in a perfectly good mood, the fact that I am quiet kills things because I can't talk to my friend very well. I mean, I can as long as theres something to say, but otherwise...silence. And I know one person's mood effects another. And thats why my friend acts so different with me than other people. Other people she's with are all so lively and talkative. While I am not. I wish I was. But I don't know how to become more lively or more talkative. According to her we have to have some sort of "channel" in order to be having fun..which our main one is video games. Otherwise we have difficulty having fun together because I am just so dang quiet. How does a person become more talkative? Or more lively?

 

I do hope I get a response to this. I am hoping if I figure something out soon enough my mother will change her mind in calling a psyciatrist for me. She says it'd do me good to have my thoughts organized for me and just to get help figuring things out. I am hoping I can get help here though instead. One-on-one talkin ofcourse would be better but hopefully this'll do.

[azianpride143]

Therapy can help a lot. Your therapist can help identify issues that may be causing you to act this way, help you accept there is a problem, and allow you to address the issue.

 

I was hesitant going to one. But to me it's the best thing I did for myself. It was great to have someone neutral/unbiased to talk to.

[Lizzie60]

There are things you CAN change and things you CAN NOT change...

 

You have your own personality... you cannot become a 'funny' 'social butterfly' overnight... sorry but it doesn't happen like that.

 

But you can change the 'knowledge' aspect... Read, read, read... newspaper... What does your friend enjoy... find out what she likes... read on the subject...

 

Reading is the base of knowledge... You can learn to love reading.

 

If you're shy then go out in public... stores, talk to people... I know it's not easy but no need to get into long conversations... just small talk, it will help get your shyness out of the way.

 

True friendship is the MOST important thing in life... We do need good friends. They're sometimes more important than family...

 

In my case, they are... I have 2 'best friends'... I had them for over 50 years... I cherish them... and I know we will NEVER ever let us down...

 

So, work on this relationship... but don't force it upon her... It's also up to her to want to be your 'good' friend. Have a good talk with her, be honest about how you feel... This might even bring her closer to you.

 

Good luck.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Ok. So I have this best friend and she is pretty much my only friend. All my life I have always been a quiet shy person and made some friends here and there but this person is like, the only one that has lasted this long and has meant so much to me and who's ever given me a chance.

 

SpunkyGirl, this is where your problem begins. The one-and-only-friend problem.

 

Problem is. To her, I am a very annoying person. And she tells me how and why and I understand they are things about me that do need changing.

 

That's not nice. If you think the world of her, and she views you as an annoying person at best, where's the feeling of friendliness?

 

 

 

Argumentative and stuborn are the too major things...that I can change...I'm also quite unintelligent for my age and very childish..like the way I think things through and handle things is on a childish level.

 

There could be a couple of reasons she says these things to you. One is that she genuinely believes you are a lesser being compared to her. The reason she has let you stick by her, is because she likes the feeling of superiority she gets when she's with you.

 

The other reason could be that she's indirectly trying to shoo you away. Hoping that one day you'd have enough being put down, and just disappear.

 

Either way, you shouldn't be hanging on to her like she's your last chance, friends-wise.

 

Well, I don't think I can change that, I mean, my friend told me to go read a dictionary because I don't know half the big words she uses all the time, but how am I to know what words people commonly use? Besides the point. What I wish to know is how the heck am I suppose to change how I deal with situations? I mean, everyone deals with them differently. It's all natural reactions. I naturally get defensive and therefore become argumentative. I naturally get a stuborn attitude and therefore..am stuborn. How do I better myself so when the situation comes up I can change the way I respond and act?

 

See, you acknowledge it yourself that you cannot change completely, and that everyone is different. Not everyone has the greatest vocabulary and debating skills. That doesn't mean they don't get friends.

 

 

SpunkyGirl, do you really feel the need to improve certain skills, or do you feel that way because of what your friend says? If you feel for yourself that this is a problem, then work on those points.

 

Bottomline: if she doesn't like your company, then you know it's time to find other friends. Don't be scared - you will find a lot of people who share your thoughts, likes and dislikes, etc. Better to be with people who enjoy your company, than forcing it with those who don't.

[knaveman]

This_Too_Shall_Pass said most of what I was thinking as I read your post. However, as far as the unintelligent part, your post was well thought out, coherent, and for the most part had descent grammar. You even managed to use their/there/they're properly which is next to impossible to find in the English language.

 

Change what you can, accept what you cannot, and above all just be yourself. If someone doesn't like you the way you are, they will never really like you. Never change to please anyone but yourself. Once you are happy with yourself you will notice a change in the type of people you attract.

 

BTW...what video games do you play? I play a little Xbox now and again.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

This_Too_Shall_Pass said most of what I was thinking as I read your post. However, as far as the unintelligent part, your post was well thought out, coherent, and for the most part had descent grammar. You even managed to use their/there/they're properly which is next to impossible to find in the English language.

 

Change what you can, accept what you cannot, and above all just be yourself. If someone doesn't like you the way you are, they will never really like you. Never change to please anyone but yourself. Once you are happy with yourself you will notice a change in the type of people you attract.

 

BTW...what video games do you play? I play a little Xbox now and again.

 

And what happened to YOUR spelling, knaveman?

 

I thought the same thing about her perceived "lack of intelligence".

 

Intelligence is subjective, really. Someone with a score of 140 on the Mensa, might not have a number of mental and emotional skills that make for a happy day-to-day life.

 

From your post, SpunkyGirl, I don't think you are "unintelligent".

[McFadden]

I thought the same thing as some of the others. Your vocabulary sounds fine, I can't imagine that you have trouble understanding people use in normal conversations. I think its possible that your friend is one of those snobs who like to use big words and then call people unintelligent when they don't understand. I think you should continue play video games with that friend and do other activities you seem to get along while doing, but honestly it doesn't sound like she's the most caring person. What she is saying isn't doing anything good for your self image. You need to make other friends you are more on the same level with. You don't have to be a big conversationalist to have friends. I have many friends I never have long conversations with and just spend time doing things we like doing.

[knaveman]

And what happened to YOUR spelling, knaveman?

 

Oops. Guess I'm not as perfect as I like to think.

[spunkygirl]

Thanks everyone for replying. I appreciate it I really do. My situation is just so difficult, more complicated than either of you understand. And maybe I can go into it more. I like all of your replys and I wish to hear more on my matter. Problem is. I think this discussion would fit into more than just the Self Improve-ment and Personal Well-Being area. Haha.

 

Ok, as for my vocab and it seems just fine as if I was a perfectly intelligent person, well, when I am typing on the computer, I think more about what I am saying because I am saying it to others and am trying to be serious about it. I want people to take me seriously especially on here because I don't want anyone to think I am just wasting your time or that I am doing this for a laugh or something. Yea, my friend uses big words. But not like all the time and no she's not a snob who thinks anyone who doesn't know big words is unintelligent. Just that when she uses them, though not too commonly, almost every time she must explain it to me. And when she talks about stuff that is in depth and complicated, then I get confused and lost and am like what??

 

But anyways. Yea, I know, it sounds like my best friend hates me. And truth is, she does. She's said it. No I don't think she's just hoping I get tired of being put down or anything, though I've thought about that. She doesn't seem caring but I know she is. We do have heart to heart conversations and I know she cares. But here's the catch. She's forcing herself to be friends with me, to help me change. She used to be a lot like me and all of her best friends ditched her. And I feel bad for her, which is why I stick with her. And she seeing I am a lot like her, doesn't want to do the same to me as her friends did to her before she had a chance to make herself better. She wants to give me the chance to change and be a better person. She knows I can do it and she knows that I can be an even better friend by doing so. She doesn't only stick with me to help me but she does enjoy having fun with me when we do. And she knows that when we get past all this we can have fun more and things will be all better. I know she comes off to be a horrible friend for me. But considering she's all I got, I have no choice, and to an extent I agree on what I need to change. Problem is doing it. I can't just give her up. She's doing a huge favor for me by sticking with me no matter how angry I make her.

 

I know she shouldn't be my last hope for a friend. And I have other friends. All of which I am attempting to make better. It's just difficult for me. But I am trying because I need something more to focus on. Someone else to focus on. Someone else to help me through this. And maybe, if during our time together, I can find a different best friend and releive her of all her stress she must go through for me. But then, maybe I can do that because after all, she's doing it for me.

 

I've tried to read more intelligent like stuff. Would reading the newspaper really help? Usually I read books from the Junior section of the library because they have such good stories even though they pretty easy read. But one time I did try to read from the adult section and got about a chapter in before I got a headache and was like whatever.

 

I do kind of hope my mom hurry's up in getting me to a doctor. I am a little bit hesitant to do it, but, I do need a non-biased point of view on things.

 

As for the video games we play for whoever asked. We love the Zelda series and Mario ofcourse. She's really into Final Fantasy which I've played a little bit of. Never was much of a fan of Xbox, only game I ever liked on that was Halo, definetly better than the computer.

 

Well, I really hope I get nice replies like I did before. I did my best to explain my situation here and I hope I clearly explained the main situation I am going through. Believe me, this is not even half of what I have to deal with in my pathetic life.

[knaveman]

Your "friend" doesn't sound like the best person to be helping you better yourself. You don't owe her anything no matter what you think. You may think that she is all you have but you do have a choice: find new friends. Don't wait, your personal well being should never be put on hold for anyone or anything.

 

There is never any good reason to delay making changes that you want to make. The only reason ever is the one you put on yourself. The only obstacle to change is you and the barriers you perceive.

 

You can try to sound as intelligent as you like but you will still always be you. Be that.

 

You sound like the only person you want to please is your "friend" and that is not what you should be doing. Please yourself and if your friend doesn't like it then leave her behind.

 

You cannot make anyone else happy if you cannot be happy yourself.

[spunkygirl]

Yea...thanks Knave...it don't matter anymore...I called it off. She was giving me unbearable pain due to other complications which I am planning on explaining on a different area in these forums because I would like to take a poll. My best friend and my ex fell for eachother...me n my ex still had feelings for eachother..for the past three years me n him have been on n off with undescribable love no one can ever understand. but thats not the point. he and her began talkin and fell for eachother. If you ask me..neither of them should have done that to me..so I've called it off with him to...and maybe..just maybe this quote will follow through..

 

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it does not come back, it was never meant to be."

 

Well, I've set them both free. And knowing my ex, he may call the whole thing off with her..again..knowing my pain..he may come back...but I know she wont...and I don't even care.

[knaveman]

the right thing to do is often the most difficult.

[beautifulearth83]

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it does not come back, it was never meant to be."

 

good words. thanks for sharing.

 

i have a friend whom i hardly see. he is considered my best friend. we aren't much alike at all, but we have common grounds. anyway, when we need space, we know it, and we give it to eachother. sometimes we won't see eachother or talk for months, but when we do, it's just as great as any other time. that's one of the reasons we know we're true friends. just be yourself and see where things land.

 

good luck