Cold Feet? Or Something Else??

[hotfuss]

Hi, everyone! I'm a new member, and I wish it was under better circumstances!!!! Please help me out with my dilemma!

 

 

I have been dating the same person since I was 17 years old. We have been very, very happy together for the past five years.... We have been engaged for almost 10 months, are getting married in 2 months, and up until this past week I have been excited and ready.

Last friday night, we went out to a bar and he got pretty drunk so he walked home. I stayed with some of my friends and drove home when the bar closed - even though I was pretty drunk myself. This is where it started - there was this guy there, who used to date my friend, who I think is really attractive. He didn't even speak to me, I don't think he even knows who I am, but I really really wanted to go over and talk to him and introduce myself and get to know him. I didn't know if it was because I was drunk or what...

So... the next day I took my little sister out for ice cream, and while we were waiting in line HE comes walking around the corner... we made eye contact and it lasted a little longer than I would have liked... I turned away and got our ice cream and left.

I have unconciously been thinking about him on and off, and I will catch myself and feel horribly guilty... Not just "clean" thoughts, mind you. I've also been running into him more than I would like...The guilt has lead me to think about my current situation, and how things are going with my fiance and me...

I have read on some of these boards that people say "don't get married unless you're sure." Well, I was completely and totally sure until this happened. I wasn't afraid of it - we are best friends, we have a great time together, we love each other and trust each other very deeply....I have even talked to him about my doubts, he says he is hurt by it and doesn't know what to think, but part of him thinks it's just cold feet....

 

These are the thoughts that have been going through my mind -

 

1) Maybe I don't love him like I said I did... maybe it's just a "friendly" kind of love, maybe it's not the kind of love you should have if your married?

 

2) I am filled with guilt. Maybe he deserves someone that only notices HIM.

 

3) I thought I was happy? Why would I be thinking about and fantasizing about this other guy?

 

4) Am I just a natural born cheat/law breaker? The idea of sneaking around with someone else is wrong, but it is exciting. I have always been known to be one who bends/breaks the rules.

 

5) Is this just cold feet coming on at a really bad time? I have had meaningless crushes before while we were together, but nothing has ever made me feel this badly or consider that maybe this isn't right. I AM nervous about the wedding - I didn't want a large wedding, my mom insisted on it, so I went along with it to avoid a huge conflict...which happens alot.

 

6) Am I with him because it's safe? Because it's comfortable?

 

7) How do you KNOW when someone is right for you? I had no doubts in my mind that it was right a week ago, but now I am scared and confused. What if marrying him will be a huge mistake? I don't know how it could be, but I am still afraid.

 

8) Would I be happier with someone else?

 

9) Is this just due to a huge culmination of stress? I have been having a hard time at work, and planning a wedding I didn't want isn't much fun either (we wanted to go to the courthouse!).

 

 

I am just completely terrified of making the wrong decision. I know that I would be very happy with my fiance, but what if we could both be happier with other people? I just don't know what to do. I was looking forward to being with him forever, having children, building a home, being partners, etc. Now I am afraid that it isn't the absolute BEST thing to do.

 

Should I forget about these feelings, call them cold feet, and go on with my wedding planning?

 

 

Please HELP!

 

PS - I forgot to mention - I am a textbook virgo - I worry about EVERYTHING and analyze EVERYTHING. I am also a perfectionist - maybe I am worried that everything should be perfect for us/me in life? I know it won't be no matter who I'm with....AUGHHHH!!!

[Cobra_X30]

If your looking for the "perfect man" your going to have a very disappointing life. It really sounds like you are suffering from unreal expectations. There is always going to be someone more attractive... more fun... with more money. Whatever, the point is nobody is ever "perfect for you".

 

Honestly if I was your fiance and caught wind of you hitting up other guys in a bar... it would be engagement over. You should have more respect for him than that. Its ok to notice other guys, its another thing to act on that. Your fiance deserves someone who respects him. If you cant do that... let him find someone better.

 

Anyway, read some books on marriage before you walk down the aisle.

[Storyrider]

I have been dating the same person since I was 17 years old.

 

I don't want to seem flippant, but above is your problem in a nutshell. I almost didn't need to hear the rest. It is hard to know when you're in the middle of it, but you probably won't be satisfied with your guy until you feel you've gotten to test the waters a bit more. I don't mean sleeping around, just dating.

 

It doesn't mean you won't end up with him in the end. But I would think about postponing the engagement. Otherwise your relationship will be plagued with "what if?" questions.

[hotfuss]

If your looking for the "perfect man" your going to have a very disappointing life. It really sounds like you are suffering from unreal expectations. There is always going to be someone more attractive... more fun... with more money. Whatever, the point is nobody is ever "perfect for you".

 

Honestly if I was your fiance and caught wind of you hitting up other guys in a bar... it would be engagement over. You should have more respect for him than that. Its ok to notice other guys, its another thing to act on that. Your fiance deserves someone who respects him. If you cant do that... let him find someone better.

 

Anyway, read some books on marriage before you walk down the aisle.

 

 

Oh, believe me, I wouldn't dare go hit someone up in a bar! I just had a really strong urge to... I do respect him much more than that! It's just that the whole thing has made me really question and analyze our relationship even more... maybe that's my problem, like you said - I'm looking for too perfect of a person - one that doesn't exist....

 

Thanks for your reply!

[hotfuss]

I don't want to seem flippant, but above is your problem in a nutshell. I almost didn't need to hear the rest. It is hard to know when you're in the middle of it, but you probably won't be satisfied with your guy until you feel you've gotten to test the waters a bit more. I don't mean sleeping around, just dating.

 

It doesn't mean you won't end up with him in the end. But I would think about postponing the engagement. Otherwise your relationship will be plagued with "what if?" questions.

 

That thought had crossed my mind, I was kind of afraid of it! I just don't know how to go about the whole thing... I'm like 98% sure that I want to marry my fiance, but the fact that I was thinking about someone else and everything caused me to doubt myself even more.

 

The whole "what if?" thing really is a good point.... Thank you!

 

I need all the help I can get!!!!

[disgracian]

Human nature inclines towards curiosity, and people play "what if?" scenarios over in their minds all the time. You just have to draw the line somewhere for practicality. There are six billion people in the world, roughly half of them are the opposite sex to you. Let's say, conservatively, that 1/6th of that number are unmarried and roughly your age. That's 500 million. A few of them may be more suited to you than your current fiance, but chances are you're not going to be able to date all of them to find out which one is "best" for you.

 

Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your goals and not busy your mind with idle speculation about who else out there in the world might be better for you, but simply ask yourself if he makes you happy, if you love him and if you want to spend the rest of your lives together. That's surely good enough.

 

Cheers,

D.

[Cobra_X30]

Hotfuss,

 

There are going to be a bunch of people who tell you that you need to date around... try things out... you are too young to get serious... whatever. Whether this is good advice or not depends solely on where you are at this point. It is GREAT that you respect your fiance.

 

I have always found it funny how everyone has a different view of what love is. Personally I have come to the conclusion that love is a choice more than a feeling. You have to wake up every day and choose to love.

 

I see posts where a lady is writing that her husband is just too nice a guy, and spends too much time at work, and that she doesnt love him anymore. Like ooops I fell out of love... cant control it... dont know how this happened. Just realize that Hollywood and the mainstream media consistently portray false images of love and marriage. So if thats your expectation maybe you should re-evaluate what you know.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Okay, first take a deep breath. All this worrying is going to give you gas. At least, that's what my mom says.

 

Secondly, just because you are engaged doesn't mean you stop being a woman. NEWSFLASH: There are hot men in the world!!!! Marriage has nothing to do with not noticing other men!!!

 

Marriage has to do with mentally acknowledging their presence and going home to your husband every night. That's why it is called a committment. If you are happy with your fiance, you didn't have a problem with getting married up to this point, I don't know why you are freaking out. He hasn't changed, you haven't changed. The question you should ask yourself is if you doubt that you will be truly happy with this guy? The problem is right now you are asking yourself a different question - will I be happier with him than with anyone else? As disgracian said, there is no way of answering that question.

 

If you feel that you would actually cheat on your husband - please do not stand up in front of everybody you love and say any different. If you make a committment, stick to it. As wonderful as love and romance is, that is not marriage. You protect and nuture that love through marriage. Marriage is a partnership, a relationship, a sacrifice, and hard work. It doesn't just come with the flowers and cake and rings. You have to work at it every day.

 

Also, it is not the death of passion. Maybe your husband isn't as hot as this other guy is. Maybe he doesn't make you drool. That doesn't mean you can't have any fun! I am all for fantasizing. I can't name one married woman who doesn't get hot and bothered by some actor or another. They just take that heat home with them!

 

 

Anyway, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. Just pointing out that there is a difference between emotion and action. You are responsible for your choices. You choose not to cheat. You choose to honor your husband and marriage. You can even choose to be happy. Or you can choose to keep thinking about comparisons between your husband and this guy. You can choose to break off the engagement. You can choose to pursue this other man. Only you can make these choices.

 

 

* One other thing: you mention this other guy is a friend's ex. Think about how dating this guy would affect your relationship with her and be sure she would be okay with it, if you choose to pursue him.

[hotfuss]

Thank you all so much! I think I am starting to figure things out now, and I am still going through with the wedding planning.... I think I am just really afraid of commitment, of being "stuck", and being unhappy.... I'm still not so sure of myself, but I definitely appreciate all of your help!!