religious disputes

[linzamer]

Hi, thanks for reading this.

My boyfriend of 7 years and I have had a good relationship for a long time, until now. We were talking about marriage and all that good stuff when the toping of religion came up. He is very religious and even keeps the bible by his bed. I am the complete opposite, I have no religion. I am actually struggling with this topic because I don't know what I should believe at this point, I don't know if I believe in God. I really want to discover this on my own, I think that this is an issue that I must face and deal with myself, if I want help I will ask for it. Anyways, my boyfriend is pressuring me into becoming a methodist, I don't even know if that is what I want. He tells me that I am wrong for thinking that other religions may be right as well. I get so mad at his close minded way of looking at things. He will not let up and he says he will not marry me if I don't become methodist, because he doesn't want to raise his kids any other way. I don't know what I should do, I love him so much, and we get along wonderfully. This has caused many heated arguements, I just don't know what to do or believe! Please help!!

[Tony T]

This religious argument is so very old...from the dark ages.

 

Religious finatics are very closed minded and feel threatened by persons who don't believe exactly the same as they do.

 

Unfortunately, this closedmindedness in your mate will not be limited to religious matters but is probably a part of his psyche in many other areas you haven't discovered yet.

 

Matters of spiritual beliefs are highly personal to each individual and each person must pave his spiritual path. However, individuals like your guy are raised in homes with strict parental guidance which engrained certain beliefs in them from childhood and those are very difficult to dislodge.

 

The belief that one religion is preferable to another and should be imposed on others is immature, childish, controlling, inconsiderate, closeminded, and insane.

 

So, there...you've got it. You're not going to change his mind. But if you want to spare yourself a lifetime of incompatibility and heartache at a very basic level, you'll let this guy to to his church and go find a guy who will have just as much respect for your place in the spiritual spectrum as you have for his.

 

Your boyfriend's position is so very ludicrous it's not worth your time trying to ponder...and it won't do you a bit of good either. I know you love him so much but it'll take you a lot more than love to get you over this hurdle. If he doesn't have respect and understanding of your position and a willingness to compromise, this is not mean to be.

 

I am very curious as to why it took you seven years to reach this kind of impasse. This is information you should have picked up on long ago.

[HokeyReligions]

I am agnostic myself and my husband considers himself a Christian and his church of choice is Church of Christ! (try saying that five times fast! )

 

Would you consider talking to the minister of his church about your concerns? Without your bf being with you? Find out if this attitude is supported and encouraged by the church, or if it's part of your bf's stubborness.

 

If your bf won't marry you because you are still on a search - that may lead you away from his belief, then there is nothing you can do about it. Religion is so personal and can't be forced.

 

If the church he belongs to is open-minded (some are) then the minister might be able to help your bf loosen up and learn a little more about his own faith and how a non-believer fits in. If your bf can't be accepting of you then it's his problem, but you will just have to bear the pain.

 

If he can loosen up and accept you, but is adament about raising your children in his church, will that be a barrier for you?

 

As far as religious fanatics go, I've had some run-ins - within my own family too. And look at what has happened in the world recently and is still happening, in the name of religion.

 

I've also been to a couple of churches that did not preach at me, or treat me disrespectfully, because I am not of their faith. I've been welcomed by many people and embraced as a friend with no pressure, even when I asked difficult questions.

 

If you can't talk to your bf, talk to his minister and try to find out where this attitude comes from. Maybe even try couples counseling, but be warned - it's nearly impossible to change a fanatics belief or attitude.

 

I feel for you - this is a tough battle. Good Luck

[quankanne]

if your spirituality is so important to him, he should be helping you in your journey, not issuing edicts! Faith is a personal thing, regardless of what vehicle (religion) you use to get there.

 

seems to me that he's more interested in controlling you at this point, or he could be finding something like this to use as a wedge to weaken your relationship. Love doesn't harp on differences; even though you are unchurched, it doesn't sound like you look down your nose at your BF because he belongs professes a particular religion, and I don't think it's asking too much of him to treat you likewise.

 

Religion will always be a big issue in a relationship, especially marriage, and especially if you're coupling with a fanatic. As hard as this may be, you're probably better off away from someone who doesn't respect you enough to see that it's going to take time discovering your spirituality, much less thinks he must "tell" you how to believe. Faith is a gift, not a result of brow-beating or threats!

[linzamer]

I thank you for all of your responses. I want to add that he really thinks that he is helping me and leading me in the right direction, his intentions aren't bad. However, I dont think he is doing a good job of leading, he is more like pushing me. Also, he did grow up in a very strict household and his views come straight from his parent's mouths. How should I let him know that I am supportive of his views, but I don't think he is supportive of mine. I think that two people can love one another and still disagree on certain issues.

[quankanne]

but I don't think the question is "how can I be reasonable" when you're willing to try, but rather, "how do I get my point across to my thick-headed honey in a respectfull way?" (and I say this kindly, I'm married to a redneck who, although he's improved some, still can backslide and come up with some really weird stuff!)

 

Tell him that you appreciate his concern about your faith life, but because it is such a personal thing, you understand that what works for others might not necessarily work for you, and you would appreciate his loving support. This way he knows you're seriously thinking about this. However, don't be surprised if you have to forcefully defend your way of thinking -- some people have a bit harder time understanding what you're telling them, and only "get it" when you've hollered your opinion.

[Stuck]

I would hardly call him a religious fanatic or close minded. Living with a Bible next to his bed is not a sign of religiousness. If he were truly devoted to God and to his beliefs, he would not spend 7 years with you. He would have long ago found a woman who shares his beliefs, probably from his own church, and settled down with her. The Bible says that marriagies should not be unequally yolked; that means that a believer should not knowingly marry a non-believer. The Bible also says that for God to bless a marriage, you should not have sex until then. Is he concerned about that at all? If you've been together for 7 years, I doubt you've held off on sex.

 

It does not sound like he has invested much time or energy into explaining to you *why* he is a methodist, or why he has a belief in God. It sounds to me like his devotion to his religion is tenuous at best, and now that you are talking about getting married he has suddenly realized that he's got a real problem. He probably also suddenly understands that his role in the family (according to the church) is to be the spiritual leader. Sounds like he's done a lousy job so far! Seven years have passed and you're still not even sure if you believe in God!

 

My bottom line is: it doesn't sound like he's following many of the teachings of the Christian church, and now he's suddenly balking at the fact that you're not either. It's not really fair to you. I don't think it's a control thing, he just realizes he's messed up...

[linzamer]

thank you for your reply (the last one) but there are some things that you should obviously know that you don't. First of all, we have not had sex, we are still very young, and I as well as him are not ready for that yet. We were talking about getting engaged soon and then getting married after we get out of college (we have 2 years left). He has explained to me many times about his religion and about God and I have been to his church many times, I respect his beliefs. I however was not raised with any religion, so I doubt a lot of things, that is kind of what my parents taught me. I think the fact that you think that he should have converted me a long time ago is very wrong. This is no ones choice but mine, I do not want to be talked into something that is very important, I want to be a willing choice that I am excited about. The problem is, that he does not want to break anything off, he just expects me to change. I believe that he should have patience with me and let me decide.

[HokeyReligions]

You say you have 2 years left in college & have been together for 7 years. Have either of you dated anyone else?

 

Personally I think it's great that you have remained celibate - I think sex is best for a couple with some kind of formal commitment (like marriage) and I believe that for social reasons and not religious ones. I congratulate you on your decision.

 

It is unrealistic for any person to expect another to change. I see some control issues here and those control issues may be supported by the church. Often the teachings of a church are in direct conflict with the expectations, morality, influence, and standards of the current society.

 

Before you get engaged, get some couples counseling - maybe go to two different counselors - one faith-based and one not. You both need some fresh perspective from different points-of-view.

[midori]

I agree with what HokeyReligions & others have had to say.

 

Spirituality is a highly personal matter for thinking adults. Forced conversions are rarely effective.

 

If he's not able to discuss his own spirituality, and explain his choice of faith in personally relevant terms ... then he's certainly in no position to "guide" you anywhere. His intentions are irrelevant.

 

The control issues that others have raised are important to consider. Is this just about religion -- or is it just the first of many concessions and compromises you will be expected to make?

[jamieileana]

i say there are many many religions but only one God!