Other Former OW/M here now married to their lover?

[BusinessSocks]

What are those cracked family, wife and children are doing now :( wish they can get over the wounds and find happiness again

 

Sorry, carry on

 

Ya know, here's the thing: both of our exes are remarried and now have children, too, with their current spouses. None of us had children prior. I think they should thank me and my now H for helping everyone move on with their lives and find happiness! The thing that a lot of people don't understand is that for many people, an emotional divorce has taken place by the time an A happens; just because the legal paperwork isn't filed, the circumstances aren't any different.

 

These type of "the poor people hurt by this" just doesn't sit too well with me either. Such statements assume 1. that the injured parties are perfect little angels with no bad points 2. that having an affair is the most hurtful, mean, selfish thing a person can do. Well, both of those are nonsense! I can assure you, my first H was far from an angel. Does that make an A "right"? maybe not, but it sure as heck doesn't make it any worse than what he was doing to me.

 

I believe that when people act out of love, instead of fear, they move in the right direction. That's what I did when I had an A with my now H.

 

May you find happiness instead of forever licking your wounds.

[BusinessSocks]

I can only dream of happiness w/ somone else due to my circumstances...I am sorry but I can't imagine that anyone can live happily and w/ themselves period, after having hurt so many others...Of course, having financial security DOES help alot!

 

I know this happens alot, but I pesonally don't think it's right to brag about it...A's are selfish and destructive...period...for ALL involved...

 

please see my reply above...my A was anything but destructive for the people involved. I honestly believe it set us all free from unhappy lives.

[child_of_isis]

The A's were not destructive? Having someone you love lie cheat and scheme behind your back, is life altering.

 

Your whole concept of reality is called into question.

A person's ability to totally trust another human being is gone.

Due to choosing and trusting someone whose character you thought was different, trust in oneself is shattered also.

The betrayal cuts deep and leaves a seeping wound which NEVER heals.

 

One does not need to have an affair in order to be "free" of M. That is why we have divorce.

 

Maybe those who are trying to recover from an H's affair will step in and give you some more examples of how their entire life and future have been altered due to an A.

 

It doesn't matter if everyone ended up happily ever after. Things will never be the same FOR THEM.

 

I don't think you are understanding (nor taking responsibility for) the impact that you have had on the lives of others. This sounds like rationalization.

 

 

 

please see my reply above...my A was anything but destructive for the people involved. I honestly believe it set us all free from unhappy lives.

[skindeep]

Thanks so much for starting this thread! While there have been few responses, I am happy to see that there are even a few! I have tried so hard to have faith in the feelings between the two of us. Dday arrrived in Feb., she has supposedly filed for a quick divorce, but there's been little or no contact for the past three months as he has asked for time to re-evaluate himself before trying to move on. I don't know where that will leave us, but because of all the negatives out there regarding OW/OM and their futile attempts at filling voids, or concocting lies for selfish reasons, it has made me loose faith that love ever existed. Now, regardless of how things turn out, I can at least relax and know that even as I attempt moving on, just in case, that anything is possible, and having hope is not just being stupid!

[mourningMM]

I think lots of affairs result in married spouses leaving and going with the other...I just don't think people are honest enough with themselves to admit it. At least 1/2 of the men and women I know who are divorced are dealing with their ex-s relationships...with people who were the OM/OW.

 

I don't think most people realize that they are in an emotional affair that is damaging to their marriage. So if they don't have sex with their "friend" they feel guilt-free. Sometimes they even feel like they have acted honorably. Yes, they may be soul mates, meant for eachother, a true and lasting connection. But if there are children, their paradise is most likely someone elses difficult compromise.

 

Believe me there are YEARS of repercussions for the betrayed spouse and the children when an affair ends in the marriage of the MM/OW or the MW/OM. As long as 2 divorced parents are alive, children have to learn to play the balancing act. That act is even more difficult when one of the parents marries the OM/OW.

[BusinessSocks]

The A's were not destructive? Having someone you love lie cheat and scheme behind your back, is life altering.

 

Your whole concept of reality is called into question.

A person's ability to totally trust another human being is gone.

Due to choosing and trusting someone whose character you thought was different, trust in oneself is shattered also.

The betrayal cuts deep and leaves a seeping wound which NEVER heals.

 

One does not need to have an affair in order to be "free" of M. That is why we have divorce.

 

Maybe those who are trying to recover from an H's affair will step in and give you some more examples of how their entire life and future have been altered due to an A.

 

It doesn't matter if everyone ended up happily ever after. Things will never be the same FOR THEM.

 

I don't think you are understanding (nor taking responsibility for) the impact that you have had on the lives of others. This sounds like rationalization.

 

I will keep this response brief. 1. I was cheated on and I healed; I refused to give another human that much power over my definition of self any more. 2. My exH raped me on a regular basis, verbally abused me...and I'm supposed to feel sorry for him ?!? 3. I made it clear no children were involved; that's a whole different ball of wax. 4. This assumes that an all A's involve scheming and lying; mine didn't. My exH new my feelings and that I was going to see my lover, now H whenever possible. He refused to sign divorce papers, battling me in court instead. I moved on regardless, allowing him to do the same.

 

Did it hurt his feelings/ego some? I'm sure it did. Was that my intent? Nope. Am I rationalizing what I did? No more than those betrayed rationalize their right to be angry and self-righteous in all the events.

 

I hope no one else "steps in" to explain how it hurts and changes their lives, as that would NOT be the purpose of the original post. I see now why so many people are frustrated on this board with BH/W always having step in the the "but we're so devastated, how could you, you horrible piece of slime" arguments.

 

Now please let those of us who want to celebrate love...no matter how much it makes you unhappy how we found it...do so without any other interruptions, okay?