the1whoislost Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 here is the prob... I have been seeing this new guy for about 3 weeks or so now...and I like him but he doesnt do any sweet little things for me like surprise me witha flower or a card or anything...the extent of what we do is stay at his apartment and make out and talk but other than that nothing.I dont say anything about it because I want to see if he will start doing anything on his own without having me have to say something. Plus he hasnt even asked me to do anything for Valentines Day at all...he hasnt said a word about it. Im sorta mad. Should I say something...wait for him to start on his own...or just find someone new? I dont know what to do...hoping for some fast advice. thanks in advance Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 I think three weeks is a bit too soon for a guy to be thinking about sweet things like flowers and cards...except for, as you say, Valentine's Day. However, I certainly feel that the infancy of a relationship should consist of much more than staying in an apartment, making out, and talking. The hallmark of human relations of any kind is communications. In a very kind way, let him know that you prefer to go out and do different things when you are dating. Let him know what sorts of things you enjoy, such as movies, concerts, dining, going on picnics, etc. Make it clear to him that you don't expect to go to the best places...even a burger would be nice (just in case he doesn't have much money right now.) Let him also know that you are just fine with doing things that don't cost money, like visiting museums, attending free concerts in the park, walking downtown, or whatever there is to do in your town. Very often, college campuses offer a great variety of entertaining events at a very low cost. If there's a college nearby, view their website or subscribe to the campus newspaper for notices of things that are happening. If he doesn't ask you out on the town for Valentine's Day, even if it's just for a nice walk and a Coke, dump him before Valentine's Day and let him know exactly why. The jerk has got to learn that women seek more from romance than making out in an apartment and talking. But I must warn you, this is the way a lot of men end up after they feel they have won their woman over. Perhaps you were a little too cooperative too soon. After all, he didn't point a gun to your head to get you to stay in his apartment, talk and make out. When beginning a dating experience with someone, turn down initial dates that require you to spend all your time at the guy's place. Live and learn.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author the1whoislost Posted February 12, 2003 Author Share Posted February 12, 2003 yah.. more info on the situation: on Valentines Day I know he works till 8pm but that is totally fine with me but the thing is,he hasnt even said anything like lets get together Saturday as our VDay. I am supposed to see him Thursday,I have a plan already mapped out....I will be writing a letter before I go..i might say its over or something like I am really confused or something to let him know Im mad..and I will leave it for him when I leave if he doesnt say anything about Valentines Day.. I know its only been 3 weeks but geez my past boyfriends always did little sweet things for me in the infancy of our relationships. I dont care about money...I mean a letter would be just as nice or some type of romantic thing like a back massge or just something nice.....but there has literally been NOTHING. Is this really grounds for breaking it off? If I say anything like...why dont u do this or that? then if he starts doing them I'll feel like he is only doing because I told him too.....am I wrong? waiting 4 more advice please Link to post Share on other sites
mighty bop Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 You should know by now if he is someone you like. Things like this count. If I was going out with a girl for 3 weeks and Valentine's Day was coming up I would definitely get her something. Definitely let him know it's over if he doesn't do anything for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 YOU ASK: "If I say anything like...why dont u do this or that? then if he starts doing them I'll feel like he is only doing because I told him too.....am I wrong?" You are right and wrong. If you don't talk to this guy, he'll have no idea. You can never judge one man from those who came before him. He is an individual and does things his way. A lot of men take their time before they get too close and too sweetsy sweetsy. How previous boyfriends treated you is irrelevant to this situation. I told you precisely what to do in my post above. You might want to read it again because I don't want to repeat it here. There is really no point in being angry about what he has or hasn't done. Seems he's being himself and he's being honest. I think you have to get used to not demanding that people act the way you think they ought to. At the same time, you need to take some responsibility here because YOU are half of the couple that stays in his apartment and makes out and talks. YOU are the one who hasn't expressed the desire to do other things. You've got a lot to learn about relationships and life...but please let this lesson be the following: When you want something from somebody, ask for it. They can't read your mind. This man may have absolutely no experience dating and may not have a clue that you are interested in doing more than staying home. So suck up some of this yourself and start expressing your feelings...again, in a kind way. You might find out that he would just love to do other things. You may find out that he's broke and has no money to take you to anyplace special for Valentine's Day. In that case, you'll have to decide whether you want to stay by his side and help him climb the financial ladder or find someone who's already there. If he's just too lazy or doesn't want to do other things with you, dump him. Over and out! Link to post Share on other sites
Author the1whoislost Posted February 12, 2003 Author Share Posted February 12, 2003 Maybe he is just ignorant to the fact girls like romance.... I dont know...I dont want to seem like a total bitch and dump him because he hasnt said anything about VD but its really irking me..I know damn well he hasnt forgotten its VD friday....its all realy a confusing situation all around to me...but maybe I should just ignore his calls for a week and let him try to figure out why im mad...I'll just leave a letter saying that IM very upset with you. dammit I've been lonely for so long and finally I meet someone and he turns out to be a dud...perhaps Im over thinking it all.but still its making me mad Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 maybe he doesn't realize that you "see" him as a boyfriend, while all you are to him is a romp-around buddy? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 here is the prob... I have been seeing this new guy for about 3 weeks or so now...and I like him but he doesnt do any sweet little things for me like surprise me witha flower or a card or anything...the extent of what we do is stay at his apartment and make out and talk but other than that nothing. why should he? He's enjoying his half of the relationship I dont say anything about it because I want to see if he will start doing anything on his own without having me have to say something. #1 people hate being tested ESPECIALLY THIS EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP. #2 don't expect him, or anyone, to read your mind or emotions. That is totally unrealistic and selfish. That old "if you don't know then I'm not going to tell you" is so stupid. Even after a couple of decades with my husband we can't/don't read each others minds. If I want something from him I can throw out a couple of hints and if he doesn't get it then I tell him. It's not a test of his love or devotion and he doesn't lose points or something if he doesn't get the hint and I have to tell him. That is silly. Plus he hasnt even asked me to do anything for Valentines Day at all...he hasnt said a word about it. Im sorta mad. Should I say something...wait for him to start on his own...or just find someone new? I dont know what to do...hoping for some fast advice. You have only been together 3 weeks! What kind of commitment are you expecting? If you want to do something on Valentines day - then ask him. If you keep testing him and expecting him to read your mind he will eventually get sick of the game and move on and you'll be standing there thinking he's a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 I think someone spoiled you. Very FEW guys are romanically intelligent enough to know to suprise you with the little things. And how dare you expect it? Talk about a high maintenance woman. NEVER expect anyone to be able to read your mind. Do him a favor, and break up with him. God knows if it's this hard to please you after just 3 weeks, who KNOWS what it will be like after 3 months! Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 Originally posted by Ally Boo I think someone spoiled you. Very FEW guys are romanically intelligent enough to know to suprise you with the little things. And how dare you expect it? Talk about a high maintenance woman. NEVER expect anyone to be able to read your mind. Do him a favor, and break up with him. God knows if it's this hard to please you after just 3 weeks, who KNOWS what it will be like after 3 months! [color=indigo]CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP![/color] You go Ally Boo! I was holding back in my original reply because I wanted to shout "how dare you" too! but maybe I should just ignore his calls for a week and let him try to figure out why im mad...I'll just leave a letter saying that IM very upset with you. to the1whoislost, this is a childish and dangerous game you are playing. You are already losing at too -- or you wouldn't be here telling us how mad you are about this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 It is girls like HER that give females a BAD name! Link to post Share on other sites
Author the1whoislost Posted February 12, 2003 Author Share Posted February 12, 2003 HOW STUPID OF U 2 u know who u r........too reply being so hostile...I am NOT high maintenance...I posted my thoughts in hopes for some nice advice...I got some irrational thoughts running through my mind yes...but I am not a bad person like u JERKS think I am. I was just hoping for other insight before I do something stupid. u 2 are lame Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted February 13, 2003 Share Posted February 13, 2003 Wait. Let me just make sure I have this straight. You've been dating him for three weeks. And you are mad because after THREE weeks you haven't gotten flowers or a card. You are mad because all you do is hang out at his place and make out. You are mad because he hasn't asked you out for V-Day. So, you are going to write him a letter and dump him. Is that right? 1. Don't write him a letter. You have known him three weeks. He will think you are cuckoo for coco puffs. 2. If you want a man who romances and blow torches, find a new guy. I've found that at three weeks, most guys aren't doing a whole lot of romantic stuff, or if they are it's because they are blowtorching. The romance usually comes later, like once they've had some time to develop feelings for you. 3. If you want a man who romances you, stop agreeing to hang out at his place and make out with him. You got yourself into this by agreeing to low maintenance dates. If you want to go out to dinner or whatever, why are you agreeing to do this in the first place? I don't have a problem with you wanting to be wined and dined (or whatever you want), but if that's what you want, why are you settling for less and then getting pissed at him about it? It's not his fault that you agreed to go over there. I'm sure he's perfectly happy with things. Why would he ever change? 4. Three weeks is an amazingly short amount of time to know someone. I think you are crazy to be expecting this amount of gestures at this point in the "relationship." 5. V-Day is not a big deal to guys. He might not even realize that its here. If he has to work, he probably is thinking of it even less. Who cares? It's a freaking Hallmark holiday anyway. But sure, go ahead and dump him. Write him a big, long letter about what an ass he is so he'll think you are a fruitcake. Go for it. Really. But first, buy a clue. Here's a dollar. $1. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted February 13, 2003 Share Posted February 13, 2003 Originally posted by clia But sure, go ahead and dump him. Write him a big, long letter about what an ass he is so he'll think you are a fruitcake. Go for it. Really. But first, buy a clue. Here's a dollar. $1. Couldn't have said it better! HOW STUPID OF U 2 u know who u r........too reply being so hostile...I am NOT high maintenance...I posted my thoughts in hopes for some nice advice...I got some irrational thoughts running through my mind yes...but I am not a bad person like u JERKS think I am. I was just hoping for other insight before I do something stupid. u 2 are lame Um, how old are you? If you are going to take on adult responsibilities and ask for help, you need to accept adult advice and observations and not lash out because it's not what you wanted to hear. You can dismiss what I have said--no skin off my nose, and you can call me names if that makes you feel better but somewhere along the line you are going to begin to wonder why you can't find prince charming. I never said you were a bad person. I'm hoping that some of what was said in these posts will sink in and help you not do something stupid. If you just want to feel good about your choices - don't ask for "nice advice," state plainly that you only want to hear people agree with you and support you. Oh wait, nevermind. That advice was given before and dismissed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author the1whoislost Posted February 13, 2003 Author Share Posted February 13, 2003 what the heck?? I dont want enemys out here...just some advice ..i mean geez I know im not that experienced with relationships and I know my original post seemed wrong and yes i know that...i was just thinking irrationally ...I know that was wrong but geez is it really necessary to degrade me? Ive decided not to to anything over it....I know I over analized it and frankly i wish i never posted it...... I should of just asked if guys were supposed to do that withing the first month of the relationship and thats all huh? Yes I am young but I am over 18, I am very mature for my age just on that night I was stressed over things feeling depressed and now Im getting a new a@@ reemed by certain people geez Link to post Share on other sites
ashleybandit Posted February 13, 2003 Share Posted February 13, 2003 I agree with both perspectives. I believe you have high expectations... but I think your expectations derive from your fear that you are being taken advantaged of. I likewise believe you need to be more patient and learn to "drive" the relationship. If you have been making out/hanging out for three weeks, and you like him a lot, and you don't see other guys, you should definitely expect *something* from him. At least a call on Vday to wish you a happy Vday. If he doesn't call you on Vday, then then follow through with what you want to DO (action by action not by words). In other words: No notes. No tantrums. No explanations. No questions. Just stop seeing him at all or as often-- and IF (that's a big IF) you decide you want to give him a chance to be a "good" boyfriend... the next time he calls you, you can ask "so, you want to hang out? what do you have planned? I would like to get out of my apartment" and if he says "wanted to chill tonight and watch tv", you can respond with "well, I like doing that on my alone time... maybe we can hang another day" And if he doesn't get the hint, then forget him. He obviously doesn't want to expend too much effort on you. Then the fact that you are upset NOW means that you suspect he doesn't care too much-- and the "symbolic" gestures (lack of cards, notes, little things) proves to you what you fear most-- that he doesn't really care to make an effort on your behalf. If he takes a hint and says "ok, what do you want to do?" you can say, "well I just want to spend time with you, but I'd like to add some variety to the time we have spent together. Do you have any ideas??" And you might subtly suggest the following: 1) a movie 2) a dinner 3) cook you dinner 4) share a bottle of wine somewhere nice 5) go to a museum/park/mall/etc Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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