Berly Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 My husband of 13 years came to me 2 weeks ago and said he was moving out. He wanted nothing to do with me, our 2 boys, he wanted no stress. He wanted to live on his own for a while. He said he wanted to date other women and I didn't make him happy anymore. To say the least I was surprised and devastated. I should have been suspecting because in the last couple months he had a nose job, started working out and was going out clubbing with friends. I thought we were fine, not the perfect marriage but far from over. I asked him to go to counseling and he said it was to late. I told him I could not wait for his apartment to be ready and he left that night. He is angry at me because I made him move out before he his apartment was ready (he stayed with a co-worker). I'm sad, angry, depressed and grieving. He thinks I could have been nicer about this. He moved his things out 2 days ago. I still love him and want him back. What do I do? if I can't get him back, how do I move forward with a life without him. He is my best friend and I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 I'm afraid there is not much you can do... You can't force him to stay with you... He probably has someone else...it's only a matter of time until you find out... He's being discreet about it.. Men rarely leave home unless there is someone out there waiting for that move. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Berly Posted June 22, 2007 Author Share Posted June 22, 2007 I think you were very harsh in your comments. I don't think he's cheating just not wanting me. There is a big difference neither is easy to accept. I guess I was looking for someone to help me with how to move forward not squash the last dignity I had left. Link to post Share on other sites
Melovator Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 My husband of 13 years came to me 2 weeks ago and said he was moving out. He wanted nothing to do with me, our 2 boys, he wanted no stress. He wanted to live on his own for a while. He said he wanted to date other women and I didn't make him happy anymore. He's a jerk, and you were right to kick him out. If you didn't make him happy then he should have done something about it, ie talked to you about it. But he didn't and he's a moron, esp. because you have kids. I'm sad, angry, depressed and grieving. He thinks I could have been nicer about this. He moved his things out 2 days ago. I still love him and want him back. What do I do? if I can't get him back, how do I move forward with a life without him. He is my best friend and I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. He thinks you could have been nicer about this? f-wit, pure and simple wombat assed wankery! Of course you still love him- its not like a tap that you can turn on and off- though that would be really nice. The man you want back is the man in your mind, not the man as he is now. Would you really want to be in a relationship with this new man? He is not your best friend, your best friend would ahve been honest with you about their feelings and not have just dropped a bomb shell and then acted like a child when you didn't clap your hands in glee about it all! How do you move forward? What do you want to do? What's something you've always wanted to do but never could/ would because he was around? A good practical first step is cleansing the house of his presence, pictures, memorabilia, things that make you think about him and cry- put them away, get rid of them, anything so you don't have to look at them. See a counsellor, work this through. The world is limitless right now because the world you had for yourself isn't there anymore- build yourself a new one. Try to think of what you want, rather than what you lost ebcause that's gone and you can't control it but youc an control what you want. Sorry for rambly prose. Link to post Share on other sites
azianpride143 Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 He thinks you could have been nicer about this? f-wit, pure and simple wombat assed wankery! Of course you still love him- its not like a tap that you can turn on and off- though that would be really nice. The man you want back is the man in your mind, not the man as he is now. I could not have said it better than Melovator. Anyways the man you have known all these years is now gone. He's a different man now. It's hard to accept when you love this man. You have to decide what you want to do. You only have control on what happens with your life and not his. You are at a crossroad. He made his choice. He took the path that moves him away from you and the kids. You have a choice. Do you follow behind him and hope he will come back someday? Or do you choose your own and take control of your own future. You have your kids to watch over. Focus on them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Berly Posted June 24, 2007 Author Share Posted June 24, 2007 Thanks for the encouraging words. He finally saw the kids and told them he won't be coming home and this isn't his home anymore. I thought these things were inappropriate considering that they are still trying to wrap their brains around what has happened. I'm trying to hold my tongue but it sure isn't easy. Link to post Share on other sites
VegasGurl Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 My husband of 13 years decided to leave me and our son too! He also said that I didn't make him happy anymore. I know that you felt crushed just like I did, and still do everyday! I still love my husband and want him back. Trust me I know how you feel! Link to post Share on other sites
quiet1one1 Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 I'm afraid there is not much you can do... You can't force him to stay with you... He probably has someone else...it's only a matter of time until you find out... He's being discreet about it.. Men rarely leave home unless there is someone out there waiting for that move. I know you may not want to face what Lizzie says but it's probably true that there's already someone else. It doesn't matter though - you have to look out for #1, #2A and #2B - you and your sons. Think about it...now that you know what your H is capable of, how can you want him again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Berly Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 VegasGurl I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I guess in some small way it makes it a little comforting that there are others that know how you feel and what you are dealing with. I also still want my husband back but then there's other times when I just can't understand why he is doing this to folks he is suppose to love. The emotions change constantly as the day progresses. I hope you have a great support system because it has helped me; however, I get such conflicting opinions from these folks that at times it makes it harder. This is even true in this forum. I wish you and your son the best and if you need a comforting ear, I'm here. I will pray for your family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Berly Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 you have to look out for #1, #2A and #2B - you and your sons. Think about it...now that you know what your H is capable of, how can you want him again? I am looking after the 3 of us, I've sough counseling to understand how to deal with my emotions and also help my children sort through theirs. As far as lovign my husband and wanting him back. I married him with the thought that I would be married to him forever. I'm not the one that is breaking that promise, it is him. Therefore, I need time for this to sink in and for me to accept. I will always want him because I promised my eternal love to him. To some this may seem strange but it is my belief and how I was raised. I believe in eternal marriage and would rather work on my marriage than run from it. However, I'm smart enough to know that that it takes two for a marriage. With this all in mind, I guess I have begun the grieving process and perhaps someday (maybe soon) I will be able to accept this and deal with everything. For now, I'm taking it minute by minute. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Berly Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 Message deleted Link to post Share on other sites
Melovator Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 Hope you're okay Berly. There's nothing strange about what you believe about marriage, your husband just didn't share the faith with you. I'm an agnostic/ a bit of a theological magpie, but its clear from you're posts that you are a woman of faith, and I admire that. That faith will give you strength to get through this completely sucky time if you let it. I wish you all the best. [And don't even dare to think that God would hold this mess against you if that thought has crossed your mind. God's not THAT unfair and if your religous advisor says otherwise, time to find a new church!] Link to post Share on other sites
Author Berly Posted June 28, 2007 Author Share Posted June 28, 2007 I'm trying to be okay but everytime I think I can start to heal or at least clear my head he does something to set me off on an emotional roller coaster. How do you stop yourself from going on this up and down emotional ride? I think if we had some peace then we could both think clearly but he just is pushing and pushing. He is now in the process of selling off some of our property. He says he needs the money, I guess to move forward with his single activities. I initially got upset but then calmed down and decided it was only property. He just won't stop this major rush to separate himself from the kids and myself. He just doesn't seem to care how his actions are affecting them. They are really confused and they are not alone. So again I ask, how do you stop caring and get off this emotional ride so I can heal or try and move on without him? Link to post Share on other sites
Melovator Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 So again I ask, how do you stop caring and get off this emotional ride so I can heal or try and move on without him? I dont know, sometimes I've got it all together coping and then I just fall apart. Now it just seems like its cycles of getting better/ sliding back but the feeling better after sliding back into emotional chaos is getting stronger. I don't know how to explain but I'm finding that I'm still feeling crap at times but not for as long, though still intense, but I start feel better quicker and feel stronger too afterwards. Have you taken down everything that reminds you strongly of him from your home? Are you still calling him? Stop calling him- it will only mess with your head more. Invest the emotional energy you spend worrying about him into yourself and your sons, he is not your concern anymore- he has cut himself off from any such caring. Do things- courses, volunteer work, anything to keep busy. Don't say its just property- go see a lawyer- you don't want to get ripped off and put you and your kids in a vulnerable financial position. You have rights, exercise them. You and your kids should go to counselling if you can because it is a confusing time and all of you are going to be concerned about expressing your feelings openly for fear of causing more hurt to any one else. So if you each had a safe environment where you could express your individual confusion and hurt and anger then collectively you could work together to be a stronger family unit. Especially because you have boys, (all I can think right now is I don't want my son to be as emotionally stunted as his father is). Sometimes you just have to breathe, its all you can do to try and hold on, just breathe in and out and know that what is overwhelming will pass... eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Once you're on the roller coaster you just have to ride it out. The emotions you're feeling are perfectly normal and natural. They are you mind and body's way of coping with the incredible upheaval in your life. You have to allow yourself to feel the emotions .. if you try to control or trap them they build up more and bust out harder. I literally would take a day or two and just go with it ... let it all out. Take that time alone for yourself and just cry, rant, scream whatever you need to do to let it all out. Just don't hurt yourself or get crazy destructive. There's no shame in grieving... and no way to avoid it that is healthy. stages you will probably bounce between disbelief/denial anger/rage sorrow/guilt bargaining/pleading acceptance You might be crying one second and raging the next then thinking of all sorts of plans to try to fix it then back to rage round' and round... You'll be okay .. takes a few weeks or months.... each day gets a bit easier. Take good care of yourself. Early on i was at the doctors office and told the nurse about the separation ... She had been through a divorce. She told me that in six months I would feel totally different about things .. I'm at 5 months now and she was right. I'm coming out the other end of the tunnel and there most definitely is light and sunshine out here. The important thing to do is work on yourself ... so that when you get there you'll be ready. I would be wary about what he's doing with property and money right now. Ususally the leaver is way ahead of the one left emotionally as far as the marriage ending. They can take advantage of someone in an emotional state who also wants the relationship more... It happens.... believe me.... You might not want to wake up one day and realize that not only did he take your heart but everything else too... Link to post Share on other sites
poobee34 Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 hi, Reading through your story sounds ever so familar.My husband of 14 years(together 17) told me he needed to 'find' himself and needed time alone, but in fact the time alone meant with the new scrag in his life.Denial is our first emotion and shock. We don't want to believe that they no longer want to be part of their lives, so we make contact with them in the hope they shall miss us. But they left the relationship long before we were told it was over. They went through their emotions whilst living with us, so they feel ready to move on. It's true, men rarely leave their home and life unless they have someone to go to. Trust me, I know. It's been 5 weeks for me now and I have only just stopped texting and calling him in the last 5 days. And I really do feel better for it because i have been able to focus on him not being there. But in saying that it hurts so bad when I do have to see him,for his access visits to the kids. But now I do not show him any emotion, he will not destroy me. My ex can have his midlife crisis and I shall only look forward to what my new life takes me. Take this opportunity to find yourself,who were we before we met our partners? I love this quote that was said to me by a 65 man,the other day when i went to get fish and chips. "Life is a one way ticket, no returns" We don't own them nor do they own us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Berly Posted July 3, 2007 Author Share Posted July 3, 2007 Well today is our 13th anniversary and I am having such a horrible day. He did not acknowledge it in any way. He called 3 times for things that could have waited. I didn't talk to him but he left messages but nothing about our anniversary. He stopped by tonight to pick up some stuff but still nothing when he saw me. Actually he didn't even acknolwedge that I was here (no hello or goodbye). He just spoke to the kids. He definitely knows its our anniversary per his sister. She asked if he was going to say something or give me a card, he said he didn't want to. I don't know how clearer he can be about his feelingss towards me. I'm still having a hard time moving on because he won't stop calling or having to come over for something. I just want a time with no contact or communication between us. I know I have to talk to him when he calls to see the kids but that's it. I need time to heal and move on, he certainly has. He also got both ears pierced today. He is trying to relieve his younger days. My oldest son said he looked funny. I didn't say anything because I had nothing positive to say. He was completely insensitve about my feelings today of all days, our anniversary. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Well today is our 13th anniversary and I am having such a horrible day. He did not acknowledge it in any way. He called 3 times for things that could have waited. I didn't talk to him but he left messages but nothing about our anniversary. He stopped by tonight to pick up some stuff but still nothing when he saw me. Actually he didn't even acknolwedge that I was here (no hello or goodbye). He just spoke to the kids. He definitely knows its our anniversary per his sister. She asked if he was going to say something or give me a card, he said he didn't want to. I don't know how clearer he can be about his feelingss towards me. I'm still having a hard time moving on because he won't stop calling or having to come over for something. I just want a time with no contact or communication between us. I know I have to talk to him when he calls to see the kids but that's it. I need time to heal and move on, he certainly has. He also got both ears pierced today. He is trying to relieve his younger days. My oldest son said he looked funny. I didn't say anything because I had nothing positive to say. He was completely insensitve about my feelings today of all days, our anniversary. I feel for you that this is happening. It will take time but life will get better day by day. My ex came by two days before our anniversary, made a big scene out of removing my wedding ring from my finger and telling me she was 'setting me free'.. HAH!... She set herself free...Suffice to say that anniversay was sad.... Perhaps you need to tell him you do not want to speak with him anymore except when necessary ... no need to explain why. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Berly Posted July 5, 2007 Author Share Posted July 5, 2007 I found out that he has been dating/sleeping without someone for quite some time. He is smoking and going around acting like he is 10 years younger than he is. He has completely lost it. He is only out for himself and not for his family. I took off my wedding ring today when I found out he was with someone else. I had hopes that we would work it out but my worse fears came true today. Now maybe I can let go and start the healing process. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 See an attorney immediately in order to prevent any further loss of joint assets and to solidify custody of the children. Unless there's a formal order in place, your egghead WH has just as much right to the children as you do. File for divorce if necessary. Even if divorce isn't your preference, you have to protect your family. Once your husband is dealing with the reality of his actions... that ought to take some of the "fun" out of his extramarital affair. (Once the OW is helping to support his sorry ass, that ought to take some of the "fun" out of it for her too. ) Affairs thrive in secrecy, so don't hide his dirty laundry for him. Let the key people in his life know that he's gone astray, but don't get all stalkerish either. Remember... you're just a woman trying to do what's best for her family. Don't engage him in arguments about it. Don't be the glue that binds him to his affair partner. Providing extra drama only fuels the affair, so play your cards close to your chest and don't engage him past the point of necessity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Berly Posted July 8, 2007 Author Share Posted July 8, 2007 My H called me late last night and just wouldn't leave me alone. I kept telling him I didn't want to talk to him and he wanted to argue. I told him I was hanging up and after each time he would call back. I finally told him that he keeps telling me he doesn't want me and for to just leave me alone. I told him that he should only communicate with me about the kids. I finally stood up for myself. I couldn't believe I did it and it was hard but I'm tired of being the blame and thinking that he can do or say whatever he wants to. I just had enough, I deserve better. Thanks to everyone for their support and encouragement. Link to post Share on other sites
hope4best Posted July 8, 2007 Share Posted July 8, 2007 Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 ... he wanted to argue. He lost the right to "argue" with you when he walked out on you. So... way to go in standing up for yourself. Atta-girl! Now see an attorney and see if you can't get the court to order his nuts put in a jar for your mantelpiece. I'm kidding... but truly, it's time to introduce the realities of divorce. Otherwise, he still thinks you're playing games. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Berly Posted July 11, 2007 Author Share Posted July 11, 2007 Here's a funny one. My husband won't stop contacting me to find out who told me about his girlfriend. I think it's funny now because he wants to know who snitched him out. Why would this matter? The truth is out and there's nothing to hide. He just needs to move on and leave me alone, which is what I told him. It hurts like mad but I know I have to let him go and work on me for a change. I've focused my whole marriage centered on him and my kids. I just can't worry about him right now. He did this to himself and wanted away from me. Now he's away and keeps saying he has nothing to hide. Then when I say I know things, he freaks out. Go figure! Link to post Share on other sites
In LIMBO Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Berly,I know EXACTLY how you are feeling.Just last week my wife had announced that she wanted a divorce.We have been through this once about seven years ago.We have been married twelve years,together for fifteen.In the past three years,we have lost our house,car,my dad,my very good ex-neighbor and my best friend.I was terminated from my employer of 18 years(injuries)two arm surgeries,two hand surgeries,and most recent a single level posterior/anterior back fusion.Today,I was released from my doctor to go back to work with permanent restrictions.I am eight months post op-and have worked my ass off in physical therapy,work conditioning,and am in the 1% group of injured workers to be able to return in as good as shape as I am now.I now have to face my separation,vocational re-training,find a job that accepts my restrictions, and move out of my townhouse.I am in complete devestation and her timing on this could not have been worse!I have a 13 year old daughter(who is in California on vacation)and a 15 year old step-son(son)who I have raised as my own since he was 2 months old.Wife wants to be independant,get an apartment,and live for her.I am trying very hard to be civil,and she actually went to the doctor with me today.She is living with my good friends,and plans to be out of there by september.I am completely hurt,mystified,and just plain stunned.I am alone,can't sleep,eat very little each day.This is the worst feeling in the world,and I wish this upon nobody.I gave up everything to keep my family afloat.I don't drink,don't smoke,and gave 100% into this relationship,despite all.I am going to call my family doctor soon,because I cannot handle anymore.The phone and being able to relate to people who have similiar problems have helped,but I am about at the end of my rope,and am emotionally and physically exhausted at age 39.Sorry that this post is so long,but I figured that I would let you know that you are not alone out here. Link to post Share on other sites
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