this is going to stir up some controversy

[confused2007]

At this point in my life, this is the biggest decision I've ever faced.

 

Here's the dilemma: My brother is in a serious relationship, as well as lives with this woman in a house they own, who are committed toward the long term. The problem is I just found out in the beginning of their relationship (4 or 5 months in), she cheated on him. How many times, I did not ask, nor do I care. I have confirmed these accusations are correct. There's something about her I just haven't connected on, but she seems kind of flaky and unsure of what she wants but I could be wrong. She definetly doesn't treat him how he deserves - kind of running over him and flaunting it. So here's what I can do, and here's what I think the outcomes will be:

 

A. Tell me brother and destroy him. I know him well enough to say he would forgive her and they would "try" to get over it. So if he does, I've caused an unnecessary entrance into their relationship and making it worse when ultimately he'll just forgive her.

 

B. Keep a close eye on her for anything suspicious and if she's still acting this way, spill the beans.

 

C. Ignore that I know this information, and if somehow down the road he finds this out from someone else, and also found out that I knew, he would prob hate me and not trust me.

 

Anyone?

[Lizzie60]

mind your own business... Unless you have actually seen her making out with this guy... you don't know for sure....

 

Your brother might not like that.. sometimes...even if you think you're doing him a favour, he can despise you for the rest of his life...

 

Don't say anything.

[Tony T]

I'm with Lizzie. Just stay out of it entirely. Go find something else to do. People have to learn their own lessons. I've found out the hard way. Every time I've pointed our something negative about a friend's partner, it's backfired on me. When somebody is smitten, nothing you say about their love interest will sink in or be meaningful in any way and YOU will be the bad guy.

 

I wouldn't even monitor your brother's relationship. Why spend the energy? He will have to learn the hard way if at all. Again, YOU will be the bad guy if you intervene in any way.

 

Go find some nice hobbies.....

[Trialbyfire]

Family is everything. Tell the girl to talk to your brother or you will.

 

Think about it this way, if he finds out later that you knew and didn't tell him, he will hate you anyways and have full right to do so.

[confused2007]

Listen, this is the last thing I want to be in the middle of. I'm not one who likes to talk bad or spread rumors. It was an accident I came across this info. This is the last thing I want to be involved in. By the way, i do have hobbies.

 

As for TrialbyFire's response, that is the ONLY reason I'm split on making this decision. I do believe family is everything as they have done so much for me.

 

i don't know.....

[Tony T]

Listen, this is the last thing I want to be in the middle of. I'm not one who likes to talk bad or spread rumors. It was an accident I came across this info. This is the last thing I want to be involved in. By the way, i do have hobbies.

 

As for TrialbyFire's response, that is the ONLY reason I'm split on making this decision. I do believe family is everything as they have done so much for me.

 

i don't know.....

 

You could always use a word processing program to type up a letter and send it to your brother anonymously. Don't make it sound like you wrote it and keep it brief. That way you could let him know the details and, at least, make an effort to stay out of it. You have my UNCONDITIONAL GUARANTEE that if you are the bearer of this kind of new, YOU WILL BE THE BAD GUY!!!

[Havn_a_life]

At this point in my life, this is the biggest decision I've ever faced.

 

Here's the dilemma: My brother is in a serious relationship, as well as lives with this woman in a house they own, who are committed toward the long term. The problem is I just found out in the beginning of their relationship (4 or 5 months in), she cheated on him. How many times, I did not ask, nor do I care. I have confirmed these accusations are correct. There's something about her I just haven't connected on, but she seems kind of flaky and unsure of what she wants but I could be wrong. She definetly doesn't treat him how he deserves - kind of running over him and flaunting it. So here's what I can do, and here's what I think the outcomes will be:

 

A. Tell me brother and destroy him. I know him well enough to say he would forgive her and they would "try" to get over it. So if he does, I've caused an unnecessary entrance into their relationship and making it worse when ultimately he'll just forgive her.

 

B. Keep a close eye on her for anything suspicious and if she's still acting this way, spill the beans.

 

C. Ignore that I know this information, and if somehow down the road he finds this out from someone else, and also found out that I knew, he would prob hate me and not trust me.

 

Anyone?

 

I would say B. Give her the benefit of the doubt and if she messes up or doesn't change her ways, tell the brother.

I'd give anyone a chance. if she doesn't change, blow the whistle on her.

[underpants]

Hey, it is a tough spot to be in.

 

I would want to know the truth. If I couldn't trust my family I would really feel double betrayed. It would be very hard to recover from.

 

I like TBF's request that you give her the opportunity to come clean and be honest first. I know I would have no problem sticking up for someone I love. I would hope they would do the same.

 

Let the cards fall where they may. He is your bro, and he can not fault you for exposing or giving her the chance to expose the truth. If it causes a rift, so be it, better then a bigger rift later should he discover that you knew but didn't say anything (that for me would cut deeper).

 

Blood is thicker then water, right?

 

Regards,

Unders

[confused2007]

You're absolutely right, "blood is thicker than water." I would never betray a family member, however I can't find a solution that's best for the situation. Maybe I should use John Nash's game theory to solve this one lol

 

The thing that makes it most difficult for me is that I'm actualy still recovering from a heartache due to an unfaithful partner. Thanks to all the LS'ers I am, by far, much better and able to cope with it from the great advice. You guys really are GREAT. I would just HATE my bro to go through this. And it would prob be much worse for him.

 

ahhh, I hate this.

[underpants]

I don't know of this game theory you speak of?

 

I feel like if you present your concerns from a place of genuine love (either to your bro or his lady) then it is true. You can't fight against truth. Although sometimes we do and it is called denial. If you know she cheated, and you know it is true, then you should tell him, or tell her that you know and she needs to come clean as you love your brother and you want him to make smart choices.

 

I don't understand why you are struggling.

 

You say you were the victim of an infidelity. As much as it hurt to learn this. On some level aren't you glad you found out the character of someone you were trying to love?

 

Stick up for your brother. It goes a long way.

[Sal Paradise]

If you love your brother you would tell him. He has the right to know that his wife is a slut. If you were in his shoes you would want him to tell you.

 

Also think about this...

 

If she is cheating she is putting him at risk for STD's or she could get knocked up by some other man.

 

What if she gets knocked up and your brother raises a kid that isn't his. Doesn't he have the right to know?

 

What if she contracts some horrible disease like HIV and gives it to your brother? You could of prevented it by telling him.

 

There is no question in my mind. You have to tell him. If you care about his long term well being (don't worry about the short term heartache) you have to tell him.

[vivrantflo]

I wouldnt even think TWICE about this.. If I had the evidence that she's cheating, OF COURSE I'd tell my brother. Even if he resents me for giving him the information, at least I can sleep at night knowing that my brother isnt being played for a damn fool by some woman. Seriously, what is there to think about? That's your brother man, you have to have his back!

[Cobra_X30]

I went through this with my sister. You should confront the girlfriend with you evidence first. Don't let this girl disrespect your brother! There is NO WAY he can stay upset for any length of time if you stand up for him.

 

I my sisters BF if he EVER hurt MY sis that they would never find his body. Not sure if he took me serious but he came clean to her that night, and they broke up 2 weeks later. At first she was Peeved with me but now she is really happy to know I got her back.

[Krytellan]

A. Tell me brother and destroy him. I know him well enough to say he would forgive her and they would "try" to get over it. So if he does, I've caused an unnecessary entrance into their relationship and making it worse when ultimately he'll just forgive her.

 

B. Keep a close eye on her for anything suspicious and if she's still acting this way, spill the beans.

 

C. Ignore that I know this information, and if somehow down the road he finds this out from someone else, and also found out that I knew, he would prob hate me and not trust me.

 

Anyone?

 

Long story short, I was witness to my sister-in-law cheating on my brother (well she went home with a guy while we were out, I choose to assume the worst). A week later I asked him if I knew something that I knew would be incredibly important to his relationship would he want to know (I was 21... gimme a break ). He said yes, and I told him.

 

He was hurt, but I know that I would want to know if I was in that situation. I swear if I found out my sister let me marry a woman who had cheated on me before the wedding, I would never forgive her.

[corazoncito]

Exactly how sure are you that your information/source/whatever is correct?

[confused2007]

Well, I don't want to get into details, but I assure you this info is correct. She was on a DATE when it happened. Enough said.

 

I'm gonna have a talk with her and tell her how I feel. This sucks

[Bryanp]

The bottom line is that if the roles were reversed wouldn't you want your brother to inform you and that your health has been put at risk by a cheating partner? If you cannot trust your own brother to be honest with you then who can you trust?

[bish]

At this point in my life, this is the biggest decision I've ever faced.

 

Here's the dilemma: My brother is in a serious relationship, as well as lives with this woman in a house they own, who are committed toward the long term. The problem is I just found out in the beginning of their relationship (4 or 5 months in), she cheated on him. How many times, I did not ask, nor do I care. I have confirmed these accusations are correct. There's something about her I just haven't connected on, but she seems kind of flaky and unsure of what she wants but I could be wrong. She definetly doesn't treat him how he deserves - kind of running over him and flaunting it. So here's what I can do, and here's what I think the outcomes will be:

 

A. Tell me brother and destroy him. I know him well enough to say he would forgive her and they would "try" to get over it. So if he does, I've caused an unnecessary entrance into their relationship and making it worse when ultimately he'll just forgive her.

 

You definitley go with option A. You tell him NOW before its too late, like if he marries her and has kids with this huss.

 

It may destroy him a little bit, but if he goes any further with this sorry excuse for a woman, it will destroy him in more ways than one later.

 

You tell him. If he keeps her and she continues to cheat on him, then you've done what a good brother should. It would then be his problem.

 

But you tell him now before its too late!!

[bish]

You could always use a word processing program to type up a letter and send it to your brother anonymously.

 

What happened to stay out of it and let him make his own mistakes?

[Sal Paradise]

Well, I don't want to get into details, but I assure you this info is correct. She was on a DATE when it happened. Enough said.

 

I'm gonna have a talk with her and tell her how I feel. This sucks

 

If you talk to her you run the risk of her trying to say your brother that you came onto her and you're bitter and trying to break them up.

 

Why talk to her at all?

 

Stop being a wimp and tell your damn brother. He deserves to know.

[norajane]

You go and tell your brother everything NOW. I can't believe you're even considering keeping this a secret from him - you want to be her accomplice in deception?? Your brother is a big boy and he can decide what to do after that. But do not hide this information from him. Let him make his decisions about his life with FULL information.

 

Nor should you be going to her first - who knows what story she'll cook up for him since she's fully capable of cheating and lying about it. He needs to hear the truth from you before talking to her, so he can tell if she starts lying to him about it to try to minimize whatever it was she did. He needs to be prepared for that conversation with her by knowing the real truth, instead of being hit out of the blue and then being fed lies so he doesn't know what the real truth is.

 

If my sister found out something like this about a guy I was seeing, I'd know 30 seconds after she did and I'd expect no less of her.

[sb129]

This is a tough one.

My brother is currently in a very tumultuous relationship, and its really hard for me not to get mad when I witness how badly his GF treats him sometimes.

 

But he is 27, a man, and needs to learn from his own mistakes. Being the overprotective older sister has its limitations!

 

However, if she were ever to cheat on him, I would confront her first, and if she didn't tell him, I would.

 

He is part of my family. I am pretty sure that it wouldn't cause a permanent rift between us, as he would know that I only had his best interests at heart.

 

I know he would be much more annoyed if he was the last to know.

[PollyIvy]

Don't get involved! it's your brother's life, and his choices, not yours!

If it all goes to hell, you have to totally be there for your brother. THAT'S family: we let each other screw up and then support each other.

[norajane]

Don't get involved! it's your brother's life, and his choices, not yours!

If it all goes to hell, you have to totally be there for your brother. THAT'S family: we let each other screw up and then support each other.

 

But he's not the one screwing up. He's the victim of his gf who was screwing around. Why protect the gf instead of him? Why keep him in the dark about something that happened to him? Just because he doesn't know, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Why not give him all the information so he can make informed choices?