Intimacy Issues Anyone?

[jackie5885]

My husband & I are both 37 & we have been married for over 1 year & have only spent 2 mths living together. Neither of us had been previously married. For the 2 weeks I dated him he "doted" on me and was trying to say "I love you" by the 3rd date and was sooooooooo in love with me and at my mercy to the point of it being a turn off. I was going to end it after about 4 dates because we are on two separate life paths. But he begged me not to & swore he would straighten up & fly right. I do not believe in sex before marriage & since I was so attracted to him physically (he’s extremely good looking!!!) I didn’t wan to continue a relationship where I was going to mess up. So when I went to break it off he asked me to marry him & he was soooooooo sweet. Unfortunately looks are very important to me, I can’t help it, I’m just shallow when it comes to that, but I do not like most guys who are that attractive. They usually have the personality that backs it up. So I thought this would actually work & I believe he meant every word of it. He just couldn’t live up to it.

 

I have an 11 yr old son & he was also very sweet & fun in his dealing with my him. I had not dated anyone in 10 yrs prior to him as I am a very competent, independent and was tired of previous relationships where I was dependent on another person for my happiness. I wanted to be a strong role model for my son & actually was happy without being in relationships (but god, did I miss the sex!).

 

Anyway, we married and I knew he was a partier (drinker & pot) & I drink sometimes (too much when I was with him). So on our honeymoon I was drunk & I guess I said "I hate you" to him but I didn't think much of it because I'm a girl & was just playing the "poor me" as I didn't feel like he was into me sexually (I hadn't had sex & in forever & it hurt so he didn't pursue it to the point I would have expected him to & it hurt my feelings - tequilla didn't help). From that point forward he completely emotionally distanced himself. I actually don’t think it really hurt him because another time I said it he said, “I don’t think you do, & that’s the problem”. I think it made a great excuse for him to go back into his comfortable realm of isolation. He started spending hours everyday at his previous home & kept acting like nothing was wrong. Sex always followed fights (I assume to avoid genuine intimacy). He promised he was going to stop smoking pot, stop smoking cigarettes, drinking so much…never did. He did cut down on pot significantly during the two months (from morn, noon & night to once every few days.

 

He spent every Sunday golfing & I found myself constantly planning weekend trips & fun stuff so he didn't feel the need to leave me all the time. What’s odd is that guys love hanging out with me. I don’t play games & I’m a lot of fun and actually really funny so I never understood why he didn’t want me around. I am extremely straight forward & honest & confronted him several times, mostly through letters as I found it more concrete than saying it to go through one ear & out the other. Nothing worked. He just insisted nothing was wrong & that I was a bitch. I packed his stuff & told him to get out numerous times. He wouldn't leave, acting like he was in it for the long haul. He is old fashioned in that sense. I know he wanted it to work, he’s just got some major head problems. Then after 2 mths it finally came to a head & he left.

 

We are still married (I can't get divorced unless I know that he has sexually broken his vows). My normal M.O. for this type of situation is “see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.” But this is actual marriage & I meant my vows & biblically believe I’m stuck. & that’s ok, I was alone for 10 yrs & fine by myself. I have NO HOPE that he & I will ever work this out. Best of intentions are not enough… I am very aware this is his deal, & I can’t change him. I didn’t call him for about 6 mths then finally broke down…ready for it to be ended or recovered. He wants neither & I can’t get a divorce (religious). He does say he wants to get back together but he won’t commit to when. I’m not stupid, I know months will turn into years & years into decades. I married the wrong guy… never is when.

 

He never calls & wants to be left alone. I have begged him over & over to get a divorce (even though I shouldn’t - religiously) & he wants to stay married. He insists that he hasn’t cheated on me & ‘knows the difference between right & wrong’. That may or may not be true that he hasn’t cheated. Oddly enough, I believe him because he is such a freakin weirdo (not out of love for me but because his own issues keep him from doing so). I have no idea why he wants to stay married. The thing that is so weird to me is that I know he is absolutely crazy about me...I am pretty, thin, fun, make a good living, & have men approach me daily...but nothing from my husband. I hate the part of being a girl where we are strong, confident women, but spend hours daily analyzing the man we love.

 

I have him completely figured out...unfortunately, he has no clue who he is, & and I know he never will. He is in denial forever.

 

Needless to say he was also abused, neglected, & abandoned when he was a baby through about 10yrs old. I hate him for the pain he has caused me & the disrespect he has shown my son & I by running out on us. He thinks I'm mean & vindictive (I am vindictive) but a very loving person. I am so understanding with a person who is honest with me & tries...but this piece of crap has really gone beyond forgiveness. He is not even asking me to, he just thinks I am expecting him to come around on my time & he is going to come around when he gets his life back in order (recent dui & pot possession - received on separate occasions:) ...pathetic, I know. In his conversations with other people it is relayed to me that he really thinks he is not in the wrong. Everyone I know & even those who I don’t hate him for what he has done.

 

As I'm writing this, I can see that my husband is in a different league than yours. The weird thing is he begged me to marry him....BEGGED! Oh, another important thing to mention is when I met all of his friends & family they all said I was the 1st girl that they have ever seen him with. Many of them said "I thought he was gay". Please don't run with that as I am absolutely positive he is not. He is 37 & his mom said she has only met one other girl that he brought home and that was when he was in his early 20's. Like I said he is very good looking & was always getting checked out by other girls everywhere we went (it actually was a little annoying.

 

So after months, days, & hours of wasted time in analyzing him, I know now what the problem is even though I cannot relate to it at all. Fear of intimacy.

 

I remember telling my sister, “He just doesn’t seem into me. But I don’t think it’s anything on my part, I could be Pamela Anderson and he still wouln’t be”. She comedically replied: “Well maybe he’s Tommy Lee”. How sad & true that has turned out to be! I typed in "my husband has fear of intimacy, can he still be in love with me?" I didn't know where to start but immediately was referred to your blog. It is so comforting to know that this is real & it's not me (I knew it wasn't but it still nice to hear someone in the same situation). I couldn’t believe how almost every thing you said, matched my grievances with my husband (the golf, the smoking pot & cigs, thinking nothing is wrong, etc.).

 

My husband has other issues as well, like succeeding in life in any way possible is absolutely unbearable for him. He has to screw up every opportunity & door open to him. He is a sabotager like nothing I have ever seen. I used to be one as well, but he takes it to a new level.

 

I never told him what a piece of **** I think he is for doing this to me... I preferred playing the hurt role since he already knows I'm a strong person who doesn't put up w/bull**** (a.k.a. bitch). But about a week ago I left him a 5 minute voice mail & didn't hold anything back. I told him I am ashamed, humiliated, and embarrassed of what a loser he is & that he is no better than the father who abandoned him & the step father who abused him. He is a weak, pathetic person who will grow old alone, and end up a lonely drunk. The sad thing is that it felt so good to say it all to him but in all reality, he listened to it stoned & drunk, while thinking…. "geez, she's a bitch". Bummer.

 

After reading another internet page that gave the lowdown on what Fear of Intimacy is…every single thing I said was the absolute worse thing you could say to a person who feels like he does. Deep down they already believe they are a worthless piece of ****. I don’t care, he is & he deserves to hear every word of it…I hope it hurt. I have all the sympathy for people who have suffered through hard lives, but when you grow up to hurt other innocent people, I draw the line. I was molested for years by my stepfather & got over it relatively easy, knowing he was a freaky pervert with issues & those issues were his, not mine & not my fault in any way. But I know my husband’s suffering was much worse & began at his being a toddler, an age that is critical in your developing an understanding of what’s normal, who you are & where you fit in to this world, etc

 

Then of course there’s this: I still love him & would forgive him in a second if he was actually sorry & capable of changing. He is too defensive to ever admit any of what I have written here is true. He & I are truly hopeless

 

I'm sure anyone who may have started reading this left off in the 2nd or 3rd paragraph but it felt good to get out.

 

If anyone out there knows what he feels about me, like is he attracted to me even though he doesn't call to have sex with me (he's called 3 times in 10mths for sex when he's been drunk in the middle of the night...& all 3 times I shamefully answered that call, pathetic, I know).

 

I suppose anyone reading this is a girl stuck in a bad relationship, but if there is anyone who knows what he is feeling can you let me know. Maybe one of you can ask your own little freak with this fear of intimacy if it is possible for a man to be in love with, and attracted to a woman …and completely let her go. Even though it’s hopeless I’d like to know… Does he love me? Does he think I’m hot? (He was so into me at first…like majorly! & still is when we actually are together). Does he want to be with me, & if so, how the hell can he go for months without calling me.

 

I'm just curious as I have had to come to all these conclusions on my own as he will never tell me how he honestly feels (because he honestly doesn't know). Geez, sorry to be such a blabbermouth, thanks for listening...this needed to get out!

 

ORIGINAL EMAIL I SAW THAT SPARKED ME TO REPLY WITH THIS:

QUOTE=Guest;863833]Hello, I just got married a few months ago. Hubby and I dated for 2 years prior. I just want to say is a loyal, good, sweet, huge hearted man. He's 38, I'm 34, first marriage for both. Here's the bad things: From the very beginning of our relationship he lost interest in sex. He hardly ever compliments me, he doesn't notice if I look good or ugly - he says I always look the same - good. I'm so used to old boyfriends that dote on me and want to make love to me and look in my eyes all the time.

 

This is not the case with my husband. I tried to break up with him a billion times over this, saying "your a great guy, but this just isn't for me, I am not happy". Everytime he begs and pleads to give him time, it will happen, it's coming, he's hardened over the years. I get really confused because, there's so many signs I think that he is "not into me". But then, there are other signs he is. My engagement day was the most romantic, well planned, day ever. He put a lot of thought and effort into it. Everyday he comes home from work and kisses and hugs me. He tucks me in lovingly every night (because he stays up to watch golf programs). He's my best friend. He's always on my side when I am having a problem at work or with a friend. Sometimes I think we are too independant.

 

Even on the wedding day we barely hung out with each other. He insisted on having 12 groomsmen and we had 300 guests. Who has time for the new wife when you have so many other obligations? He's always considerate about everyone's feelings, which is a good thing I guess, but what about ME? I am naturally good natured and happy. Therefore, I think he thinks I don't need special attention. He says to stop pressuring him. So I say ok and I do. I go on with my happy life - no pressure - then I see 2 weeks go by and no sex. I think he's glad when I leave him alone. He's a golf fanatic, he's obsessed. He can party all night long, then get up 2 hours later to go play golf. He says he has no energy for sex, he's stressed out, "we're so busy right now" - every excuse in the book.

 

I'm beginning to realize it's just not a sex problem, I'm beginning to think it's a fear of intimacy. He gets embarrased when I give him a compliment, sex talk embarrases him, when I am serious and look him in the eye and tell him I love him. It's like he can't be serious - he's like a 12 yr. old boy. His parents divorced when he was 12. Mom cheated and dad made sure she was kicked out without her kids. Then dad was a workaholic. He never laughed at my husband's jokes (as a kid) - dad could not connect to child.

 

He's a good, good person. He wants to be married to me. But, he has all these different escapes going on (golf and tv). I feel so sad and unloved. We cannot connect on a deep intimate level and it makes me feel unfulfilled in my relationship. I don't know what to do. He doesn't think there's anything wrong.

 

Whatever I need in the marriage, he says "it's coming....soon...I promise" He's broken a lot of promises like this, how can I trust him? We tried counciling at one time and it ended up being a big joke. The male therapist would side with him, saying give an example of why you are hurt - then I would, then they would simplify it, no validation whats so ever. Oh, hubby smokes pot too (I don't)I told him on our first date that I don't date guys who do drugs not even pot. He admitted to doing it - only on occasion - "but it's on it's way out" - same with cigarettes. Still smoking both.

 

Please help, what should I do?!! I'm so sad....!!!

[Krytellan]

Wow, I tried, but this is a really difficult read. So, you guys never had sex, got married, had sex on the honeymoon and it hurt and you said you hated him? Is that right? And now you guys don't do it and he won't "hang" with you?

[Topper]

Like a lot of woman, You can't take criticism. You have a lot of preconceived notions about men and relationships you don't seem to want to let go of. Your post shows you are very self centered. You seem to have some weird issues with men in general. there is a difference in his leaving you and you driving him out of the house.

You seem to think the only reason the therapist had issues with you is because he was male. Did you ever think to try a female therapist? or do you think a female would just side with your husband because he is so good looking? My ex hated going to MC because she did not like to hear that she could possible be wrong. She would make list of all my faults and read them off in a session. When the therapist failed to validate her position that I was a bad husband she got angry. You sound very much like my ex.

[ConfusedButLoved]

Like a lot of woman, You can't take criticism. You have a lot of preconceived notions about men and relationships you don't seem to want to let go of. Your post shows you are very self centered. You seem to have some weird issues with men in general. there is a difference in his leaving you and you driving him out of the house.

You seem to think the only reason the therapist had issues with you is because he was male. Did you ever think to try a female therapist? or do you think a female would just side with your husband because he is so good looking? My ex hated going to MC because she did not like to hear that she could possible be wrong. She would make list of all my faults and read them off in a session. When the therapist failed to validate her position that I was a bad husband she got angry. You sound very much like my ex.

 

I'm sorry I just couldn't finish this whole thread, but I read about the first half and after awhile it was sort of like bla bla bla. I agree with everything TOpper said. You do seem very self centered and you seem to have a problem with the opposite sex in general.

 

I also wanted to add that you pretty much have yourself in a box with this whole "i cant do this because I'm religious". Whatever religion you are is you're choice I'm not touching that, but it seems the best thing for you to do is just get out of this relationship as it seems the two of you did a good job in butchering it. You're religion however doesn't seem to be fixing anything so you either step out of the box you have created for yourself, or just stay in and suffer.

[Cobra_X30]

No sex before marriage?... never married before?... 11 yo kid? Are you a late convert?

 

Your church should allow you to pursue a divorce based on abandonment, as that is biblically acceptable.

[Mr. Lucky]

I agree with everything TOpper said. You do seem very self centered and you seem to have a problem with the opposite sex in general.

Well, add me to the list, gave up half way through. I was struck by how you give yourself a pass on most everything ("I preferred playing the hurt role since he already knows I'm a strong person") but find plenty of blame in his corner. I'm usually an optomist when it comes to relationships (especially marriage ), but you guys may be so far off-kilter as to be hopeless. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[quankanne]

there are a lot of red flags that pop up in your post that lead me to believe that yours is not a sacramental OR Biblical marriage, but a sick, sad drama that neither of you has the maturity to repair or leave:

 

• I can't get divorced unless I know that he has sexually broken his vows … this is actual marriage & I meant my vows & biblically believe I’m stuck.

 

• I didn’t call him for about 6 mths then finally broke down…ready for it to be ended or recovered.

 

• He does say he wants to get back together but he won’t commit to when.

 

• I married the wrong guy …

 

• He never calls & wants to be left alone.

 

• I have no idea why he wants to stay married.

 

• I have him completely figured out...unfortunately, he has no clue who he is, & and I know he never will. He is in denial forever.

 

• I hate him for the pain he has caused me & the disrespect he has shown my son & I by running out on us.

 

• ... but this piece of crap has really gone beyond forgiveness.

 

• So after months, days, & hours of wasted time in analyzing him …

 

• He is a sabotager like nothing I have ever seen. I used to be one as well, but he takes it to a new level.

 

• I never told him what a piece of **** I think he is for doing this to me ...

 

• every single thing I said was the absolute worse thing you could say to a person who feels like he does. Deep down they already believe they are a worthless piece of ****. I don’t care, he is & he deserves to hear every word of it…I hope it hurt. I have all the sympathy for people who have suffered through hard lives, but when you grow up to hurt other innocent people, I draw the line.

 

• I still love him & would forgive him in a second if he was actually sorry & capable of changing. He is too defensive to ever admit any of what I have written here is true. He & I are truly hopeless

 

but the biggest thing that stands out is this:

 

• I preferred playing the hurt role since he already knows I'm a strong person who doesn't put up w/bull**** … I told him I am ashamed, humiliated, and embarrassed of what a loser he is & that he is no better than the father who abandoned him & the step father who abused him. He is a weak, pathetic person who will grow old alone, and end up a lonely drunk. The sad thing is that it felt so good to say it all to him but in all reality, he listened to it stoned & drunk, while thinking…. "geez, she's a bitch". Bummer.

 

until you clean house – read: change your behavior to reflect what you *say* you believe about marriage, you're never going to get what you truly desire. A healthy marriage isn't about vindictiveness or martyrdom or mindgames, but about the dying of self so that the relationship becomes strong enough to survive crap like what you've described.

 

and honestly? I think you're hiding behind self-righteousness and pride by saying you cannot divorce for religious reasons. If you truly believe that marriage is a sacrament instituted by God, you would understand that how you approach it is flat-out wrong, even as you're hurt by your husband's behavior.

 

you, ma'am, are perpetrating a fraudulent oath in the name of God and religion ...