Why and when?

[goodgirl26]

I am so upset. I went away for four days and my boyfriend and I (been dating 2 years on and off) just saw eachother for the first time yesterday. We had a good time and I had missed him so much while I was gone! he really missed me a lot too. THe problem is last night after I saw him I called him (he'd left me a message) and his son answered the phone and said his dad was talking to his aunt on his cell phone and he said "now its just my aunt so don't get mad like you did when Angie spent the night with me and my dad".

 

Some background- Angie is a woman my boyfriend met several years ago and had recently (about six months ago) run into at a local bar and started talking to her. He stopped at her house a few times and would call her (all behind my back) he lied to me about her and I never knew she existed until she called him one day I was at his house. He told me she was an old friend and that he'd "thought he'd mentioned her". Anyway there was no proof of anything physical happening but I was upset that he'd betrayed me so i left him for three months and we recently got back together and have been working things out. The incident his son could have been referring to (about me getting mad) was when his son accidently told me that he and my boyfriend had been to Angie's house before (how I found out) this was several months ago and I'd made a big scene and yelled at my boyfriend in front of his son and was very hurt and thats when I broke off the relationship. His son is 7 so he may associate my outburst and leaving with his dad talking to any other female (why he may have said "dont' get mad" when my boyfriend was talking to my son's aunt.) But I had NEVER know that my boyfriend had ever spent the night with Angie. He said that his son was in bed with them (his son still sleeps in his bed) and that nothing happened that night. He said they did have sex once before but it was a long time ago. I asked why she spent the night and he said no reason she just wanted to.

 

I am furious. I have no idea what to believe. He said it was not recently, that it was before he and I got together (over 2 years ago). But the first time I asked him if it was when were together he said he couldn't remember. If it happened before we were together wouldn't he immediately tell me that, not that he couldnt' remember?? He said it was definately before I found out about Angie (which was six months ago) He said he never had a relationship with her and they never dated. But she spent the night?? I'm trying to figure out if this was something that happened recently (since we've gotten back together) or if it was something that happened after I broke up with him or if this happened when he was with me and saying they were just friends. He says he has not talked to her since I found out and broke up with him. And he hasn't talked to her since we got back together. he siad the last time Angie called him was the day I found out (and she found out about me and that we'd been dating for 2 years). If it was something that happened years ago why would his son think that I'd gotten mad at his dad for Angie staying the night? That makes me think it was more recent. If it happened when we were broken up then I don't care because its none of my business (other than him lying to me saying he hadnt' talked to her since I found out and left him). but if it happened this weekend I was gone then I am leaving him and never looking back. I'm thiking maybe it was somethign that happened when were together before I found out about her and maybe his son is confusing that he thougth I knew about her spending the ngiht and that is why I broke up wtih his dad. I have no idea but I've just been so upset all day and coudn't sleep last night.

[Lynna]

I can understand that you are upset. I am a little confused about the order of event though. I think one thing you could do is find some time to talk to his son, in a non-confrontational way. You could ask him why he thinks you would be upset that his dad was talking to the aunt. See what he says. Then you could also ask him about why he thought you left for awhile when you did. Tell him you are trying to understand what he is feeling. Reassure him that you care about him and his dad and want to make sure that you don't have any more misunderstandings. Tell him you are just confused about what he said and why he said it and you want to make sure that everything is okay. Plan out what you are going to say carefully. It may be that he had gotten very attached to you and that it upset him a lot when you got mad at his dad and left. He may not have fully understood your reasons for that. Kids don't think like adults, and the definitely can't understand why it would be wrong to have friends because he would be clueless about the whole relationship thing. So your first step is to just reassure him that you care about them both and find out what he is thinking.

 

Then you should explain to him in a way that he can understand that the reason you got so mad at his dad and left is that your dad hid a very important thing from you. Tell him about how when you love someone it is important that you be open and honest with that person. It is okay to keep secrets when you want to surpirse the person with a gift, but it is not okay to keep secrets that would hurt another person. Tell him that finding out all of a sudden that his dad had a close female friend made you feel bad and hurt. It made you think that he did not love you very much because he had not told you about that.

 

Once you can get a better idea of what he is thinking and why, you may have a better understanding of what is going on. Don't use the son to spy on the father, that is not right at all. Your goal here is to find out what the son is concerned about and reassure him. Then based on your conversation with him you can then talk to your BF about any concerns fears you may have. In fact, it might even be a good idea to talk to the BF first, tell him what his son said and tell him that you think it would be a good idea for all three of you to sit down together and talk about what happened and why it happened so that you can reassure his son and make sure that he understands at a level that he should. Kids are very impressionable so it is important that you approach this in the right way.

 

I think things may be innocent, but I cannot know for sure. But after you talk with the son, then you and your BF can go off and have a private conversation about your concerns. Don't let the son hear that part at all. Good luck.

[GreenEyedLady]

Leave his son out of it-this is between you and his dad...if you can't trust him, then you probably shouldn't be with him...

[Mr. Lucky]

Leave his son out of it-this is between you and his dad...

I totally agree. Holy smokes, the kid is just 7 - you're going to put him in the middle of a "he said / she said" discussion about who slept with who and when did it happen?

 

There seems to be an inordinate amount of drama in your relationship. You left, you came back, you fought in front of his son, your BF lied to you, etc. I don't think it's supposed to be that hard, especially in the first two years. Makes me wonder what you guys would be going through 20 years from now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lynna]

No, don't put the son in the middle of it, that is what I meant when I said don't use him to spy on his dad! But clearly the son is still upset about an event that happened several months ago. He clearly was upset that you left and is worried that it might happen again. He needs reassurance that you care for him, and you do need to find out why he would associate his dad talking to his aunt with this other woman. He could get all kinds of weird ideas about how relationships work. Or he may just keep getting concerned and anxious every time his dad talks to another woman. That is not good for him either. Kids are really impressionable and what they learn as children influences their actions and behaviors as adults. So for the son's sake you do need to find out what is bothering him, and reassure him and explain a bit. Certainly not everything!!! I did not mean that you should tell him you thought there might be an inappropriate relationship going on. Just talk to him about how important communication is. And that he should feel comfortable talking to either of you when he is bothered about something. Then you and the BF should talk privately about your relationship and your own concerns.