I'm 37; why aren't I married?

[lonelyone]

What is wrong with me? Why aren’t I married? I’m 37 years old, and have not even been in a serious relationship while in my thirties. Yes, it’s pathetic to say I haven’t even had sex while in my thirties.

 

I dated a couple guys while in my late twenties, and they both treated me poorly and hurt me.

 

The only decent guy I dated was Henry in my late teens / early twenties, and I DUMPED HIM!!! And FOR NO GOOD REASON!!! In fact, I wrote a long monologue about it under the “coping” section. I’m thinking of contacting him, even if he’s married, just to say what a mistake I made by dumping him. WHY DID I DUMP HIM? WHY DIDN’T I STOP MYSELF?

 

What is wrong with me? All these other people seem to find someone. Even loser-ish people seem to find somebody. And even those selfish people, who talk about only themselves and treat others poorly, even THOSE PEOPLE often find spouses.

 

I am a naturally shy, meek person. My parents never socialized much – they keep to themselves. I’m surprised they ever met each other. I am a product of all their lonerishness.

 

I also have health problems. I had cancer while in my early twenties and although it’s cured, the wretched treatment gave me a heart condition. Plus I work as a CPA and barely make ends meet, because I have no one to share income with. I’m just all alone in this world, nobody cares except my aging parents, and I often wonder if they even care. They keep telling me I need to get out more with people, except they set a horrible example themselves; for years now they’ve rarely left their house except to grocery shop!

 

One thing’s for sure, it’s not how nice you are that matters. It’s how well you mingle, how well you socialize. That is what matters. Because I’m relatively nice, but I don’t mingle well, and as a result I’m one of the lonliest people on earth.

 

Any input, all you kind readers? Do others go through this, even at age 37?

[pink smartie]

Oh honey! Don't be so hard on yourself. Likely, there is nothing wrong with you but you thinking there is something wrong with you.

 

I think I have just the cure for your blues: go rent Amelie, the french flick about a french loner chick who does find love.

 

You are who you are and you mingle how you mingle. It is easier for some people, but there is something intriguing about quiet people. Just make sure, when in public, that you are smiling and don't cross your arms. People will find approaching you easier.

[Art_Critic]

With all the stuff you have been thru you have most likely learned or trained yourself you only rely on yourself..

You have gotten accustomed to not having anybody..

 

I think you need to put yourself out there.. the more you do it the more comfortable you will feel and the less anti-social you will become..

 

Try a church group or something of that nature.. maybe a hiking club or biking club..

[underpants]

Hey girl, I am right there with you.

 

I agree with AC, join some group or activity, or maybe a part time job on weekends or a couple of nites a week. This will put you out there so to speak, make new friends and all that.

 

Don't seek every encounter with a man as a possible marriage. If this site shows you anything it should be that marriage is not the end all goal to happiness in relationships. I don't know about you but I would rather never marry then to be committed to a partner that treats me badly.

 

Just work on getting out, shopping, excercise, groups, activities and be open when you meet people. This will boost your esteem and make you more interesting to others. You want to cast a wide net so to speak so you can have....many fish to choose from.

 

Don't be afraid to have a safe fling either....girl, get you some booty. If you can survive Cancer you a strong enough to face a heartbreak here and there on your search for the one.

 

Your spinster sister,

Unders

[lonelyone]

Thanks so much for the nice replies! Pink Smartie, I have seen Amelie, and it's one of my favorite movies! Plus I wear my hear a lot like her, so who knows!

 

Art Critic, you hit it on the head about how it's probably mostly a matter of having been accustomed to "fending for myself." I had terrible support when doing chemo years ago, and I've sort-of gotten used to providing my own emotional and financial support. Sad, but true. But knowing that it's an issue of what I'm accustomed to, rather than something truly being wrong with me, should help me. I'm becoming more and more involved in the musical community in the town I live in, now that I have more time.

 

Underpants, I always like the encouragement about how it's better to be with no-one than someone who treats me badly. I definately have "grass is greener on the other side" attitude; I assume that any couple, even if going through problems, has a deep bond with each other that I'm crazy for missing. I need to realize that women (or men) in bad relationships can be as devistated, or even more so, than the lonliness I feel being outside of one.

[Outofluck]

Its funny that you wrote this post because I was having the exact same revelation about myself during the past few months. I've been in and out of relationships but I am also in my thirties and am not married. I often wonder if I ever will be.

 

I live alone and have few freinds but I always seem to find someone..I guess that I am in a drought right now. I truly believe that your thoughts attract your reality so if you keep telling yourself that you won't meet anyone, you probably won't.

 

They say that love always finds you when you least expect it..that has been the case for me in my life so far. My advice is to not look for it..just let it happen..it will.

[chryssy83]

Hey lonelyone!

 

I think that there are a lot of women who feel the same way that you do! One of my best friends has been single for SUCH a long time and swears she may never find "the one." The only "advice" I have is that I found my boyfriend when I wasn't looking, and I really believe that the reason he was drawn to me was because I was so happy on my own.

 

Not everyone is meant to be married and being in a relationship or married won't make life rosy all the time.

 

I think underpants is right...you will be more likely to find someone if you are doing thing that a) make you happy and b) present opportunities to meet people. Guys are drawn to happy women.

[katiebour]

As a child of the Information Age, I've got a few suggestions for you-

 

1. Get a MySpace/Facebook page, whichever floats your boat

2. Look at http://www.craigslist.org and see if they have a specific one for where you live- then check out the local "Men seeking Women" or if you're adventurous post your own ad in "Women seeking Men."

 

Let me post something for you that my boyfriend wrote about 3 months before we met just to show you how things can change:

 

Why do I even open my mouth?

Current mood: rejected

 

You know..... Life is pretty typical sometimes. You go through the motions repeatedly just trying to make it through another day and things peek out to hiss at you constantly.

Any of you who have read my blogs know about the whole four year long distance relationship I was in and how it affected me in many ways. Well it has been 6 months and certain aspects of it had faded into the back of my mind. I started feeling good again. Even started developing feelings for another girl. Well I did something stupid. I told her how I felt about her. Huge mistake. Seems she just doesn't have any interest in me in any other way than as a friend. And it is starting to tear our friendship apart. I don't know why I bother trying. It always seems to be a similar pattern. Either I develop feelings for someone who just can't return them. If I do by some miracle end up with someone it hits a pattern of spending less and less time together (by her choice of course)...to the point where there is no relationship other than in name. That has happened to me too many time for me to feel like it is mere coincidence.

But hell, dealing with this rejection has brought so many things into focus that I just want to shut down. Kinda has a way of making the past feel all up close and personal again. I feel like I just lost Rhose again. How ****ed is that?

In the end though I think I finally realize.....there is a plan for each and every one of us. I guess I have not been looking at the signs. The relationships I have been in have been glaring indicators. I was not made to be with anyone. It's that simple. At least now I know this and can start to deal with it.

Wow...I sound pretty well sunk in self pity now that I read this...but that just isn't the way it is. No pity here....just a bit of self realization. I can honestly look at my life and see myself being alone for the rest of it and not bat an eyelash about it. Funny how that happen's huh? Anyways...i'm done for now...I'll post something happier later.

 

3 months later we met (thank you Myspace) and we have been happily together for 2 years now. We are both loners and somewhat hermitlike at times- we spend a lot of time holed up with just each other.

 

I highly recommend the internet as a way to meet people- not one of those hopped-up dating sites, but one where you just read about other people and make friends. It can lead to a real-life meeting and a meeting of minds, sharing of hearts. I am living proof . And for us shy people, it's a great way to interview a person before you meet them! It's easier to be braver via email or instant messenger too.

[bish]

What is wrong with me? Why aren’t I married? I’m 37 years old, and have not even been in a serious relationship while in my thirties. Yes, it’s pathetic to say I haven’t even had sex while in my thirties.

 

LOL...consider yourself lucky. You don't have to put up with all the bullsheet. Nothing is wrong with you, in fact, I envy you....except the no sex in your 30's part.

[lonelyone]

Katiebour, I've been actually thinking of going on craigslist; thank you for the input and encouragement. I'll try myspace too.

 

This sounds terrible, but I think one of my biggest fears is not fitting in, feeling that I'm different from everyone else. Even though I live in a mid-sized city, I feel like everyone around me my age is married. I feel so out of place.

 

Especially since I'm a quiet, almost reclusive person, with few friends (like you said Outofluck), I would really appreciate and benefit from a strong partner.

[chaos40]

I would say because you are very lucky. Oh how I envy you!

[JulieJ]

 

One thing’s for sure, it’s not how nice you are that matters. It’s how well you mingle, how well you socialize. That is what matters. Because I’m relatively nice, but I don’t mingle well, and as a result I’m one of the lonliest people on earth.

 

 

You need to get out there and SHOW people how nice you are. That is why the socializing and mingling part are so important because it is how people get to know you are a nice person. Start by going out with existing groups of friends and by getting to know people as just friends, not as potential spouse material. You'll get more comfortable with socializing and the rest will follow. As cliched as it is going to sound, you just have to get out there.

[michelangelo]

I have a brother who is now 51 who has never been married, nor had a relationship since his "girlfriend" broke up with him in college, when he was in his 20s.

 

It is sad and pathetic when at family get togethers he mentions something that happened between he and and his girlfriend and it sounds like he is talking about someone in the present. Then when more detail comes out, the realization sets in that he is referring to events that happened 3 decades ago.

 

he is stuck in the past, moping about what should have been instead of concentrating on the future and trying to meet someone not even for a wife, just for a flippin date.

[Fanny]

As a child of the Information Age, I've got a few suggestions for you-

 

1. Get a MySpace/Facebook page, whichever floats your boat

 

Katiebour, do you think its weird when boomers and gen x'ers- and particularly boomer women post a page on MySpace/Facebook? I've thought about it, but I always feel like I'm surrounded by children or men my age looking for children.

 

Would like a child's opinion.

[Rain4]

Katiebour, do you think its weird when boomers and gen x'ers- and particularly boomer women post a page on MySpace/Facebook? I've thought about it, but I always feel like I'm surrounded by children or men my age looking for children.

 

Would like a child's opinion.

 

 

Well, I don't think it's all that bad an idea. As long as a person uses some common sense to avoid predators, your age doesn't have to determine whether or not you join something like MySpace/Facebook. Katie's right that the internet gives a person yet another way to connect with other people in the area. Even if none of them turn out to be your next new love, there's nothing wrong with having a few more people to bounce ideas off of. I have a few friends on MySpace who are a little bit older. They help to keep my feet on the ground -- on the days when I forget that I haven't been dubbed Queen of the Universe (yet).

 

My 2 cents,

~Rain~

[Fanny]

I guess I just wish there was a social site that was for middle aged people. I have friends that so badly want to join facebook, but don't because it would upset their kids.

 

My generation really needs something like that and linkedin just isn't cutting it.

 

But I suppose you're right. No advertising is bad advertising.

[travellingman]

One thing’s for sure, it’s not how nice you are that matters. It’s how well you mingle, how well you socialize. That is what matters. .

 

Very accurate statement. Your way ahead just for recognizing this. Most sociable adults aren't that way because they share hobbies, they're good at conversation. My best friend's only hobby is pushing his dog off his couch, and he works 70 hours a week. Plus, he's not much to look at. But he's got a ton of friends, and plenty of dates, because his conversational skills are excellent. He gets people to talk about themselves, doesn't tell longwinded stories, and takes interest in other people's stories.

 

Forget the biking and hiking clubs. You're better off reading up on how to make small talk, or how to make people want to tell you what's going on in their lives. Dale Carnegie's classic on how to win friends is a good starting point, also recommend Debra Fine's (think that's her name) book on small talk.

[travellingman]

I think underpants is right.

 

Sorry, can't stop laughing reading that.

[lonelyone]

Thanks for the input, Travelingman. I've actually read Dale Carnegie's classic book from the thirties. In fact, I'm quite good at getting others to talk about themselves, and not telling longwinded stories, and I'm excellent at one-on-one conversation.

 

But it seems, at least these days, that people are aggressive in conversation, especially three-way or more. The "cool" people are the ones who can keep peoples' attention while they tell a longwinded story. And it seems like everybody around me is that way - they have an ability to fit in really well with a group of people, and participate in that seemingly aggressive form of conversation, even if they doesn't have a lot in common with the group. I feel like the only person in the world who lacks these aggressive group conversation skills. Whenever I try to say something in such a group, I get inturrupted, so I've learned to only say quick spurts of things, and NEVER, NEVER have I ever been able to tell an even partially long story and keep anyone's attention. I'm not kidding - I am quite meek. But as you hinted, Travelingman, maybe it's not me - may it's the unfortunate aggressive way people have become.

[Fanny]

You know what lonelyone. I'm going to go take golf lessons to put myself in what I hope will be a well stocked pond. Why don't you go take some lessons to and we can report back on our golf adventures....like anthropologists.